Her night and day since then had been filled with the remembrance
of those heart pounding seconds when her world had been narrowed
down to the flashing images of Xander shouting and then falling
before the point of the arrow that had been meant for her.
Buffy drew a ragged breath and tried to clear her mind of it
all. A
noise outside her window caught her attention. Thankful of the
disruption she leaned out slightly and saw Angel just outside.
Seeing her Angel called out softly up to her, "Buffy. Can I come
in?"
"Wait, hold on actually. I'll be right down." She threw down
her
bag and a few moments later she was down in the ground next
to him.
"You just caught me. I was just about to head out for the night."
"I'm glad that I was in time then." Looking more closely at her
pale face and eyes ringed by lack of sleep Angel asked, "Are
you
alright?"
"I'm fine." Buffy drew her hand through her hair in a self-
conscious gesture knowing that she looked like hell.
"How's Xander?" Angel asked intently.
"He's o.k. I talked to him a little while ago. Thank you for
helping Xander last night. I wouldn't have know what to do with
an
arrow wound like that," she said gratefully.
"It's no problem," Angel shrugged. "It was the least I could
do.
He's the one who saved us from that ambush."
"Yah and was almost killed," she said in nearly a monotone that
didn't quite cover her horror.
"But he's o.k.," Angel said trying to assuage her.
"This time," Buffy shook her head despairingly. "I can't do this.
I
can't watch him get hurt or get killed because of me."
Angel gave her a long considering look. "You love him don't you."
It was more of a statement than question.
Her response was automatic. "Of course I love him. He's my best
friend."
"Buffy. Look at me, " Angel demanded. Her eyes met his and Angel
said distinctly, "You're IN love with him."
Buffy's mouth opened, but she remained speechless for a moment.
Her
initial reaction was denial. Then instead of responding she
asked,
"Why on earth would you say that?"
"Buffy, I told you that things have changed. I was looking for
you
the other night at the Bonze and I saw you dancing with him.
I had
a pretty good inkling then. Last night I was certain of it."
Buffy remembered exactly how she felt when she and Xander had
been
dancing at the Bronze. And last night, her heart felt as if
it had
been shredded when Xander had been hurt. Then various other
images
of them together over the last year flooded her mind. It all
added
up to one crystalline clear truth. < I do love Xander. >
"I don't know what to say," Buffy faltered. She couldn't look
Angel
in the eye. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. "I
want
to tell you that I'm still in love with you Angel, but…it's
not
true anymore."
Angel hurried to reassure her, "Buffy it's alright I understand.
I
never expected you to wait for me. Don't feel bad about this,
about
me. Things are different and I've changed too. The paths we've
taken have lead us to different places."
His words were sincere and without any recriminations and
understanding dawned on Buffy, "You're not in love with me anymore
either are you?"
Now it was Angel's turn to shift his eyes away from hers. He
felt
freed by Buffy's words, free to love Willow without any reproach.
He was truly glad that Buffy had found love. < Hell, Xander
may
even deserve her love now. > But still, he felt he shouldn't
feel
quite so relieved.
"Buffy I'll always love you, just not the way…." his voice trailed
off.
"You don't have to explain anything. Its like you said we've
both
changed." Buffy sighed, "Why can't things be simple?"
Angel gave her a half-smile, "It is simple. You've found someone
to
love who loves you back."
Buffy's brain was analyzing and re-analyzing things. The romantic
feelings that Xander once had for her had seemed to disappear
over
time. He had certainly never let on that he still loved her
that
way. Maybe now it was too late to go back. "I don't know Angel.
Things do change and Xander may have been in love with me once,
I'm
not so sure he does now."
"I've seen the way he looks at you. Xander loves you," Angel
stated
categorically. < I can't believe I'm playing matchmaker!
> he
thought almost amused.
"You think so?" Buffy's eyes were wide with hope.
Angel raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "I don't see how you can
doubt it. If he's not in love with you, I'll-I'll drink rat's
blood
for the rest of my unnatural life!"
Buffy scrunched her nose at the disgusting thought. She didn't
know
that much about Angel's eating habits, other than the fact he
didn't dine on human blood. But she *did* know that as far as
substitutes went, rat was as low as you could go. "Yew! O.K.,
alright! You must be pretty sure to go with that bet."
"I'm sure."
Their conversation which happily tied up the loose ends of their
relationship, had lifted both their spirits, but Angel still
had to
tell her about his original purpose in coming to see her. "I'm
leaving tonight," he said abruptly. "I didn't want to leave
this
time without a good-bye."
"Tonight?" Buffy was definitely taken aback. "You're leaving
so
soon? It doesn't have anything to do with me does it?"
"No. Of course not."
"O.k. Angel, spill." Buffy said bluntly. "There's this look in
your eyes. Something's going on here. I want to know what it
is and
I want to know right now."
Angel told her in detail about why and when Willow had left Rome
and his own search for her. While he spoke, Buffy's eyes widened
with shock but she didn't interrupt.
When he'd finished she merely said, "It sounds like something
Willow would do. Why does she always have to be so damn noble."
Buffy shook her head, desperately worried again now about her
friend.
Angel saw her anxiety and said resolutely, "I'm going to find her."
"I know you will. And when you see her Angel - tell her that
we
miss her and that we love her."
"I will. I promise." Angel opened his mouth to start to say good-
bye but Buffy stopped him.
"Don't. Don't say good-bye, just…see you later. Okay.?"
Angel reached down to hug his former love good-bye. He still
felt
so much tenderness toward her and was gladdened that they would
part friends. Stepping back a little he smiled and said, "See
you
later Buffy."
Angel looked up then and met Xander's stricken eyes.
Xander had come to Buffy's house to let her see how well he was
doing and how quickly he was recovering. The scene that greeted
him
at her house had been to his defeated gaze quite the lover's
tryst.
Angel and Buffy stood beneath the light which filtered down
from
her bedroom window, romantically silhouetted in the dark of
the
evening. Xander had watched them embrace and seeing Buffy looking
up at Angel with her head tilted back as if waiting for a kiss,
Xander felt his heart crumble into little pieces. His eyes locked
momentarily with Angel's when the vampire looked up to see him
standing there frozen in place. Xander fancied a silent
communication passed between them. < You win Angel. >
Xander didn't need or want to see anymore. He swiftly turned
around
and nearly ran in the direction of his house.
Letting Buffy go, Angel nodded in the direction of his retreating
figure. "Xander -he saw us. I think he has the wrong impression."
"Oh no!" Buffy stood for a moment not knowing what to do.
"Go after him Buffy and tell him how you feel. More than that
show
him." Angel prodded.
"Thanks."Buffy hugged him one more time before leaving.
"Good luck," Angel wished sincerely.
Buffy, already running after Xander, turned around. "You too
Angel!"
Angel gave a bitter-sweet smile. He had the distinct feeling
that
Buffy had a glimmer of understanding about his feelings toward
Willow. He pulled out from his pocket the printout that Ms.
Calendar had given him. Clutching it in his hand he too left.
He had a plane to catch.
*~*~*~*
Buffy jogged, slowing down from her near sprint as she neared
Xander. "Xander wait!" she called out to him.
Xander took a deep breath. He turned around and was astonished
as
Buffy threw herself against him and kissed him lingeringly on
his
lips.
"W-w-what was that for?" Xander stammered, his eyes wide.
"Something we should have done that a long time ago!" Buffy
whispered. The kiss had been totally unplanned, but it took
her
breath away and she couldn't help herself as she went in to
kiss
him again.
But Xander held her back, "Are you possessed? You've got to be
possessed!"
"I'm not possessed Xander," Buffy said now hesitant. This wasn't
exactly the reaction she had been hoping for.
"I mean, but I thought…you, Angel…" he sputtered. At this point
rational sentence structure was almost beyond him.
"Angel's leaving. He's going back to Europe."
Her matter of fact tone confused Xander. "I don't understand.
I
thought that Angel came back for you and that you were going
to be
together," he said his eyebrows drawn together in an expression
of
bewilderment.
"For the longest time I thought loved Angel. Until he came back,
I
just assumed that I still loved him. But I don't. There just
isn't
the same feelings there had been between us. I don't feel the
same
way about him because of you," she said earnestly.
"If you're possessed I gotta tell Giles not to be too quick to
find
a spell to reverse this." Xander was dazed by this complete
change
from what he had been feeling only a short time ago. < This
is just
not happening. It's a dream. I've completely lost it and am
now
totally immersed in a fantasy world. That has to be it. >
"I told you, I'm in complete control of myself and I know exactly
what I'm saying." Buffy paused and then plunged ahead. "I love
you."
"Oh god, Buffy," Xander almost groaned. "Please don't say that
unless you really mean it. I've loved you for so long and hearing
you say it seems almost unreal."
Happiness shot through Buffy as she realized what he just admitted.
"I love you Xander and I'll keep saying it until you believe
it."
"You're going to be saying it a lot then. But wait, so what I
saw
just now at your house was a good-bye clinch?" Xander raised
his
eyebrows.
"No. Well, yes," Buffy said a little flustered.
"Oh, yah. Now that's real clear."
"Well it wasn't a clinch! It was just good-bye." Seeing a remnant
of disbelief in his face she continued. "Listen to me Xander.
Angel
was my first love, my first infatuation and all. But I've gotten
over him. Completely. I know that I can go on without him. I
wouldn't be able to go on without you. You're everything to
me."
Searching Buffy's eyes, Xander saw only conviction and love.
To his
wonderment and awe he realized this woman really and truly loved
him. Xander's heart pounded slow painful beats against his chest.
It felt as if he was about to burst with happiness.
"I love you Buffy," he said hoarsely.
His hands came up to cup her face, and he leaned down and kissed
her. Savoring the contact, for long moments he only brushed
his
lips against hers. Then the slow, sweet kiss deepened and they
lost
themselves in each other. Buffy's arms were twining themselves
around his neck when she accidentally brushed up against a
sensitive area of his shoulder. Xander couldn't help but winced
slightly.
"Oh god. I'm sorry did I hurt you?" Buffy suddenly realized.
"I'm fine. Its just a scratch," he tried to scoffed at her concern.
"And really, honestly if you give me another kiss like that,
I bet
it'll make all the hurt go bye-bye."
But all Buffy's worry and pain of the last twenty-four hours
resurfaced and overwhelmed her. "No. Don't brush this off. I
almost
lost you last night! And I…" Her eyes began to brim with tears.
"The life span of your average slayer isn't all that long Xander,
and I don't want to spend the rest of mine bringing flowers
to your
grave. Promise me. Promise that you won't ever do that again!"
"Promise what?" he demanded. "That I won't do everything in my
power to make sure that you don't get hurt? That I won't put
myself
in danger to save you? Fine. I will. But only if you promise
the
same exact thing."
Buffy looked away from him, "You know I can't do that."
"Neither can I," he said intensely. "I love you too much."
Buffy just leaned against him, wishing with all her might that
they
could be a regular pair of teenagers in love, that they didn't
have
to constantly worry about who was going to try and kill them
next.
Finally she looked up at him and said gravely, "Then I suppose
there's only one thing we can do."
"What's that?" Xander asked uncertainly.
"Make the most of the time we have." Buffy kissed him once more
and
whispered against his mouth, "Let's not waste another minute."