< I should have known better than to let Willow go home alone so late. I
  thought it would be alright. This is the Hellmouth, how could I have been
  so bloody stupid! > Giles thought, not for the first time.

  He felt that he had aged a decade since Willow left with Angel for Europe.
  But Giles could not afford to let guilt overpower him. He had to be strong
  for Buffy and Xander. When Buffy and Xander found Willow's diary, and with
  it the truth, it had come almost as a relief. But their grief had been
  overwhelming.

  Yet now after the grief had subsided enough to make room for anger in
  Buffy, Giles was unnerved and saddened by the change. Giles missed her
  sarcasm and humor. He even missed her teasing him about his stuffiness. He

  no longer had to cajole Buffy into honing her slayer skills or reminding
  her of her duties. She was all business lately. In fact, Buffy had
  dedicated herself to slaying with a vengeance that worried her Watcher.

  It had taken all of Giles' arguments and persuasion and even begging to
  stop Buffy from going out and confronting the Anointed One himself in a
  suicidal manner after she had found out about what he'd done to Willow.
  Giles knew that this channeling of anger was Buffy's way of dealing, but he
  hoped that she would move on to dealing with her loss in a less dangerous
  fashion.

  A particularly vicious hit to the punching bag, made Giles turn to Buffy
  and away from his dismal thoughts. "Buffy, I think that'll do it for
  today," Giles said finally.

  "O.K. Whatever you say Giles." Buffy said. Giles blinked owlishly at this.
  Buffy was usually never one to follow his dictates meekly. Then again this
  wasn't the usual Buffy.

  "S-so what are you planning for this evening?" he asked somewhat hesitantly.
 

  "Why are you asking? I'm going to do what I do every night. Slay
  vampires," she said it with a certain mechanical decisiveness.

  "It's just...well, you can have a night off now and then." Never in Giles'
  wildest imaginings had he thought that he would have to bring that up to
  Buffy. But he went on, "In fact, I recommend it for this evening."

  "Yah? What's so special about this evening?" Buffy raised her eyebrows.

  "Oh! Well n-nothing, nothing at all. I merely thought y-you might want to
  spend some time with Xander." Despite all of Giles' worrying over Buffy, it
  was Xander who had been the one visibly most effected by all of this. It
  was as if a depression had settled instantly on him like a fog. "Do you
  know how he is? I myself haven't seen him in quite some time."

  "I haven't seen him much either actually," Buffy admitted. "I don't know
  where he's been. But with the start of school and everything, its been
  busy. Maybe tomorrow..." her voice trailed off.

  "Buffy, talk with him," Giles urged. "It may be good for you both."

  "Maybe its for the best that he's avoiding me. I mean it was my fault that
  he and Willow ever got involved with any of this in the first place."
  Buffy's said flatly. She looked down, her eyes taking on a guilty quality
  that Giles couldn't stand seeing there.

  "Stop that!" The vehemence in Giles' voice made Buffy look up sharply. Then
  he continued more quietly, yet as forcefully, "This is precisely why Willow
  didn't want you to know of what happened. None of this is your fault. I
  can't force you recognize that, but it's the truth. Lord knows I understand
  your sense of guilt. I've tormented myself, perhaps even more than you
  have, over all of this. I was here. Willow was my responsibility. But she
  never once blamed you or me or anyone else, except those that actually did
  this to her. Someday we may both stop feeling this guilt. But you-you
  cannot take Willow's friendship and remember it as something to be
  regretted, something that would have been better left unknown. That would
  be a great tragedy."

  Giles added, "And so would losing your friendship with Xander. Right now
  you two need each other."

  "I don't know what to do." Tears sprung to Buffy's eyes. With this one
  speech, Giles managed to tear down the thin facade of anger and false calm
  which she had erected around herself. She looked all of her sixteen years
  of age - young and vulnerable.

  "Just go to him. You'll know what to do then," Giles encouraged her gently.

  Impulsively, showing something other than sorrow and anger to him for the
  first time in a month, Buffy gave him a quick hug. Before Giles could even
  register or return it, she was going out the library doors.

  *~*~*~*

  Buffy paused before the front door of the Harris' house. She didn't know
  what to expect. The first day they had found out about Willow, Buffy and
  Xander had desperately held on to one another, crying on each others
  shoulders. Reading Willow's diary, her letter to Xander, and Giles' watcher
  diaries had been more than heart-wrenching. Buffy thought that she could
  never cry again, all her tears having been used up for a lifetime in
  reading about what her gentle friend had been through.

  After that day though, she had tried to bury her own feelings down deep.
  And although it wasn't by design, Buffy and Xander saw less and less of
  each other as the days went by. Maybe it was because she had been too
  scared to find out if Xander had withdrawn from her purposely, but she
  hadn't tried to go to him. To make him talk to her.

  No matter what Giles said to the contrary, Buffy couldn't shake her own
  sense of culpability for what happened to Willow. She was frightened that
  Xander might blame her too. She had lost Willow and Angel and Buffy didn't
  think she could handle losing Xander as well.

  She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Harris opened the door
  and welcomed Buffy in. "Is Xander home?" Buffy asked uncertainly.

  "He's up in his room." Mrs. Harris nodded. "Buffy, I-I'm glad you've come.
  Ever since Willow's disappearance, he just hasn't been the same. He barely
  comes out of his room, if at all. I don't know what to do anymore. I hope
  you can help him."

  "I hope so too." As Buffy headed up to Xander's room she tensed in the same

  way when she was preparing to fight vamps. There was only one way to find
  out if Xander didn't want to have anything to do with her though. Buffy
  knocked on his door and heard his muffled, "Go away!"

  "It's me, Xander. It's Buffy. Can I come in, please." Buffy called through
  the door. Abruptly it opened to reveal Xander Harris looking worse than
  Buffy had ever seen him before. He had lost weight, his face pale, his hair
  uncombed and his eyes held countless shadows in their depths.

  The last two weeks had been so damn hard. While it seemed that Buffy had
  tried to focus on anything but her sorrow, Xander had focused on nothing
  else.

  "What are you doing here Buffy?" He asked apathetically. He stepped back to

  let her in before closing the door again.

  "I came to see you. Since the mountain wouldn't come to Mohammed and all
  that. How are you doing?" She stood asking as Xander flopped onto his
  unmade bed.

  "How does it look?" he asked derisively. She looked at him and then around
  the room. She never thought that Xander's room would be neat, but it looked
  like an explosion of epic proportions. It looked as if the occupant of the
  room decided to make it look like his life felt. A disaster.

  "Pretty bad," she acknowledged.

  "Score one for the observant Slayer." Xander said in a sarcastic tone, his
  eyes looking at the ceiling.

  Buffy winced a little at that. This was going to be more than a little
  difficult. "Xander, we need to talk," her voice taking on a pleading tone.

  "Talk? About what?" Xander said tiredly. "You know, all I want to do is
  get away from everything. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel. I
  certainly don't want to talk. I just want to...to sleep."

  "That's called a coma!" She sighed, "Xander, I know what you're going
  through. Don't shut me out. You're not the only one who's lost her..."

  Xander interrupted her before she could get any further. "No, but I'm the
  only one who didn't appreciated Willow and what she meant in my life until
  it was too late." He stalked over to his desk and pulled out a now well
  worn letter, stained by tears. He waved it in Buffy's face. "I'm the only
  one who need something like...THAT to happen to make me realize how
  important she was to me."

  The letter that Willow had left telling him of her unrequited love hadn't
  given any solace to Xander at all. It seemed to be a constant reminder to
  him of his blindness. He collapsed onto his bed again and started to cry
  into his hands.

  "Oh Xander, don't!" Buffy begged as she went to put her arms around him.

  Xander shrugged off her touch. "I don't need you or anyone else to tell me
  how to feel! Especially not you," he shouted. "Now get out!"

  Buffy backed off stunned and her face crumpled for a moment. Then she got
  herself back under control. When it was all said and done, it obviously
  wasn't going to be her understanding of how deeply his sorrow ran. She
  straightened her back and her resolve. One way or another she was going to
  get him out of this morass of self-pity. "Xander, I never pegged you for a
  coward. And I know Willow never did. But I can see that we were both wrong.
  You're letting Willow down, you know."

  Xander bounded up and got in her face, "What the hell are you talking about?"
 

  "You're feeling sorry for yourself. How do you figure that you have it so
  horrible. You're not the one who was turned into a vampire, you're not the
  one who had to leave everyone and everything you ever knew. How do you
  think Willow would feel seeing you like this? All you can do is dwell on
  how pitiful YOU feel. That's not going to help her."

  Buffy's voice was getting louder and louder as if by sheer volume she might
  get through to him. "And God! You talk about Willow as if she's dead.
  You've given up on her. Well she's not dead, and I won't give up on her.
  And-and at least she gave you that letter. Willow loved you and wanted you
  to know it. Angel left without a word. I would be thanking the stars that
  at least I got a chance to know that I had been loved. Instead you want to
  lay down and die!"

  Her tirade left her feeling drained and continued more quietly, "You're
  pushing away everyone who cares about you. Do you really think that's going
  to keep the pain away? Don't keep doing this Xander. Don't do this to
  yourself or to me."

  Buffy stopped then. Xander only stared at her silently and Buffy wasn't
  sure if it was from shock or anger. After a moment she added softly, "I'm
  saying these things because you're my friend. The only one I have left."
  Her voice cracked with emotion.

  As she looked at Xander's silent countenance, she couldn't take anymore and

  whirled around to leave the Harris house with tears streaming. < How could
  it possibly have gone any worse than that? > she thought miserably to
  herself. Things were such a mess.

  She had said a lot of things to Xander, things that she hadn't put words to
  before. She had even mentioned Angel. She hadn't really even allow herself
  to think of Angel during all of this. Her love for him was pushed aside in
  her knowledge that he had left her for the best of reasons. To help Willow.
  But now she hurt more than ever and wanted to scream out loud at the
  injustice of all of this. More than that she ached to punch someone, well
  preferably something.

  Something like an inhuman monster.

  Spoiling for a fight, Buffy certainly found one. Or rather it found her.
  Two vampires descended on her as she crossed the park. One was a man,
  the
  other a woman. Both looked hungry.

  "I'm letting you know right now, I'm in a really bad mood," Buffy warned
  them through clenched teeth. She fought them both and managed to stake
  one
  of them immediately. It happened to be the man.

  The female vampire become enraged as she saw her counterpart explode into
  a
  heap of dust. She screeched, "You'll pay for that!" and charged at Buffy.

  "Was that you're boyfriend? Oh, I'm sorry, but he had a major ugly problem
  that needed to be dealt with." Buffy taunted as she side-stepped the attack.

  Buffy was less than focused and while she was able to vent some of her
  anger in a couple vicious punches, the woman was quicker than the other
  vampire. She was able to land a blow which knocked Buffy to the ground with
  a thud that took her breath away. The vampire was on her in an instant, her
  hands around Buffy's neck. Buffy gasped, trying to break the hold and
  managed to flip the vampire off her. Breaking free Buffy immediately sprang
  up, but her opponent kicked out, nearly removing Buffy's kneecap.

  Hobbling now, Buffy was at a severe disadvantage. Seeing her weakness, her
  opponent pounced on it rapidly. She swept Buffy's feet from under her again
  and Buffy toppled over with a pained cry.

  < Uh, oh! > Buffy thought