It was almost half an hour later when finally Xander returned to the camp..
Cordelia looked up and frowned, the feeling of dread and apprehension gripping her even stronger than before.
Willow wasn’t with him.
She glanced over at Buffy and Angel who were sorting out the food they’d brought for dinner. The pair didn’t notice Xander’s return until he was already halfway across camp.
"Xander!" Buffy sprang up almost immediately, "You’re back! Where’d you go?"
"Hmm?" he sounded vaguely distracted, "Oh, Willow and I went for a walk up to the lake…"
"Where *is* Willow?"
"Went to go get firewood."
"Oh…"
Judging from the expression on Xander’s face he was even more confused than ever. < Oh geez, she didn’t tell him > Cordelia wasn’t sure whether or not to feel disappointed or relieved.
< Poor Willow, she couldn’t tell him. > Buffy sighed softly < And Xander’s such a moron he’ll never figure it out any other way. >
There was a moment of silence as the tension slowly built between the trio. Tension which Xander appeared entirely oblivious to.
Angel looked up in interest < What’s going on here? Geez…being nocturnal makes me miss everything… > "Why, what happened? Is Willow okay?" the vampire asked aloud, glancing at Buffy.
"Oh, it’s nothing. Xander and Willow just went for a walk an-,"
"Yeah, Willow needed to tell me something, that’s all," Xander cut in with a dismissive shrug.
Angel paused and shot Buffy and Cordelia a look. They stared back uncomfortably. < Why’re they acting so strange? And what would Willow have to tell Xander…? >
"Are you two okay? I mean, nothing’s wrong, is there?"
"Hmm? Oh, no, Angel, nothing at all. She just wanted to discuss our relationship."
"Your relationship?"
"Yeah," he smiled half-heartedly, as he picked up a flashlight, "Touchy feely girl stuff."
Looking puzzled for a moment, Angel regarded Xander with a serious expression on his face. Suddenly, realization flashed through his dark eyes < Ohhh…. > He grinned spontaneously, "That’s great!" he said laughing.
< Uh oh >Cordelia’s head shot up.
Xander turned to face the vampire, "Great? What’s so great ab-?"
"Willow finally told you?"
< No no no no no no >. She stood and made her way towards the pair, trying to intervene before Angel said too much.
"Told me…" confusion shone on his face as he frowned slightly.
Angel continued to smile, ignoring the flailing motions Buffy was making from behind Xander, "That she’s in love with you!"
Cordelia halted in mid step. Buffy stopped flailing abruptly and cringed.
Still completely oblivious, Xander burst out laughing, "Hah, Willow and I. That’s a good one. Like I haven’t already hit up every one of my female friends for a relationship. Willow? She’d probably rather die…"
He continued to laugh it off until he caught the vaguely sick and horrified looks on Buffy and Cordelia’s faces.
His smile faded slowly as an odd, tingling sensation set in.
"Y-You’re kidding, right?" he said, his voice growing softer.
There was complete silence as Buffy and Cordelia stared at the ground. Angel just looked mildly confused and shook his head, "What...? You mean she *didn’t* tell you? Uh oh." The vampire stared at Xander, a sheepish grin crossing his dark features, "I just thought th-"
Casting her boyfriend a murderous glare, Buffy sharply elbowed him in the stomach, cutting off his final remark.
"Nevermind," he choked with a weak smile.
Buffy sighed. Cordelia bit her lip and continued to stare guiltily at the ground, unable to make eye contact with anyone.
Xander felt his cheeks grow gradually hotter. He stood with his arms hanging at his sides, completely stunned and helpless. He’d known that something had been bothering her, but he’d never dreamed that Willow was in love with him. He’d suspected that she might have had feelings for him when they were much younger, but as time passed, they went in different directions-well, at least he had. The subject never really came up again and so he’d let it pass. < When did this happen? Why didn’t she tell me? How come everyone else knows? > A sudden rage build inside him at this last question.
"How do all of you know?" he spat out the question.
The two girls jumped slightly at his tone but said nothing. Angel simply shrugged.
"It’s obvious. It always was." He responded simply.
Xander turned his fury on the vampire, "What do you mean it’s "obvious"?" he said, his voice gradually rising, "Don’t tell me that it was goddamn "obvious", you stupid, homicidal freak."
Angel growled softly but realized that the boy was upset so he held
his peace.
"Xander, you were young, self-absorbed and immature. It wasn’t your
time then. It was obvious to everyone who wasn't involved. She loves
you and has loved you for quite some time. Now you know. Accept it. Deal
with it. Live with it."
"Oh, ‘live with it’ huh? Kinda like you, huh? The ‘good’ vampire with the conscience who never makes mistakes and always has all the answers. Well, not all of us are as practiced in spying and sneaking around as you are, so please drop the "tortured soul" crap, " he shouted.
Xander was somewhat aware of the fact that his mouth was open and words were coming out, but only slightly. Shame, guilt and embarrassment fueled his misdirected rage. < Oh god, she must hate me. She must really hate me. She was upset and she was crying because of *me*. I’m such a complete moron. Moron Moron Moron > the word created a steady mantra in his head..
"Xander, I’m sorry," Cordelia began desperately, "I know that we should have told you but she didn’t want us to say anything and at the tim-,"
"SHE didn’t want you to say anything? What do you mean SHE didn’t want you to say anything? You people are supposed to be my friends, too!" He was nearly hysterical by now, "I don’t expect anything from fang-boy over there but you guys were supposed to..well…TELL me things like this! How could you *not* tell me? I can’t believe..all..all those times I confided *everything* with you guys and you were keeping something as big as *this* from me?" His mind was whirling. < I never thought that she….no, no I did. I *did* think that she loved me. Deep down I knew but I took it for granted that she would always be there. I took *her* for granted. And now..oh god…that talk at the lake… > His dark eyes widened. < it was as if-as if she was saying goodbye… >
Xander suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He looked up and saw that
Cordelia was evidently talking to him.
Talking quite animatedly in fact. But he couldn’t hear her. He couldn’t
listen. Not now. Not after this. < Why didn’t she tell me? WHY? > he
shook his head ruefully.
< But she DID tell me. > he realized in painful clarity as he sat down heavily on a nearby tree stump. She told him every day. She practically screamed it. In the way she always laughed at his corny jokes. In the way she defended him no matter what, in the way she accepted him for who he was and never judged what he did. In the way she helped him sort out his ‘girl troubles’ and gave him advice while pushing her own emotions aside. In the way that she put up with his sarcastic jibes and helped him with his homework, even though she usually ended up doing most of it. Even in the way that she touched his arm when she wanted to get his attention, or how her eyes lit up when she smiled at him; she had told him she loved him every second of every day and he had just chosen not to hear it…
< Oh God, I have to find her > he leapt up and spun around abruptly starting to head in the opposite direction.
"Xander, no! What do you think you’re doing?" Cordelia grabbed his arm in an effort to hold him back and calm him down.
"I’m going to find her. I have to find Willow," he responded to her question almost mechanically, as if he wasn’t quite hearing her.
"Xander, I really don’t think she-,"
He turned back around to face her, "Trust me, Cordy. Just trust me."
Her voice trailed off. She was shocked at what she saw.
There were tears in his eyes.
Letting her arm drop she smiled weakly, "Good luck."
He nodded and raced back off into the darkness.
*****
After a few minutes of thoughtful silence, Cordelia turned to Angel, "Way to go, Einstein. You know that Willow’s never going to forgive us for telling him."
The vampire just gave her an embarrassed shrug, "How was I supposed to know…?"
"You did," Buffy cut in, an odd look on her face.
"What?"
"You knew, Angel, and you told him on purpose, didn’t you?"
Cordelia’s eyes widened in disbelief as the innocent expression on Angel’s
face dropped only to be replaced
by a self-satisfied smirk.
"What can I say? Sometimes fate needs a little help."