Pat's Perspective

Valentine's Day sucks
2/11/99


Angry Pat
Most people who say Valentine's Day sucks do so because it depresses them. Why does it depress them? Because they're losers, and it hurts to see non-losers in love and having fun (and sex). Now, there's nothing wrong with being a loser. We've all been there from time to time. And losers have every right to hate Valentine's Day, just as they have the right to hate good-looking people. But they're not the only ones who should hate the dreaded holiday o' love.

People in relationships also should hate Valentine's Day, and many of them do. They just don't want to admit it to their significant others. When you're in a relationship, Valentine's Day is worse than depressing. Far worse. It's expensive, and it's a pain in the ass. In fact, it's an expensive pain in the ass.

Most of the year, if you buy your girlfriend a dozen roses, you're the greatest guy in the world. But on Valentine's Day, such expensive plant life is not only not particularly impressive, it's expected. Suppose for a moment this Valentine's Day you elect not to give her a dozen roses. You decide that your 100 bucks would be better spent on charity to make the world a better place. (Seriously, what good have flowers ever done humanity? "War of the Roses," anyone?) Suddenly, you're the worst guy in the world, despite the fact that you're making the world a better place. First to last, in one fell swoop. You're the Chicago Bulls of the dating world, thanks to one crappy holiday.

OK, maybe you're thinking it's worth the wasted money to impress your special lady (or special guy, or special cow, or whatever). You decide to be romantic and to take her on a moonlit cruise or a romantic midnight picnic, or show up outside her window with a swing band you've hired for the evening so you can sing her your very special rendition of "Our Love is Here to Stay." Even if you do all this, she'll still only be mildly aflutter.

That's because you can be sure no matter how romantic you are, one of her girlfriends has a boyfriend who sent himself UPS in a giant heart-shaped box, nude, to her apartment to surprise her with romantic nudeness. On Valentine's Day, you'll always look crappy compared to someone, despite all of your effort.

Plus, think about this. If on any other day of the year, let's say Nov. 23, you take her for a surprise moonlit cruise, it really is a surprise. It really is romantic. The fact that you took the time, the money and effort to do all of these things registers in her pretty little head, and she'll repay you with sweet, sweet love. And ladies, wouldn't it be nice if men would occasionally do something romantic on a random day, just to show they love you? This would make everyone happy. But no. Valentine's Day ruins romance.

Because of Valentine's Day, we blow all of our romantic ideas on one predetermined day every year, when flower prices are at their highest and lovers are expecting surprises, so nothing can really be a surprise. In addition, speaking on behalf of the unemployed everywhere, we blow all of our cash on that one day. Thus, the rest of the time we're short on cash and romantic ideas, and romantic surprises just don't happen. Valentine's Day prevents romance from happening outside of its confines, leaving us a sad, loveless society.

I am not opposed to the concept of romance. In fact, I am quite for it. It is the great equalizer that allows crappy people to make up for their ugliness by bribing good-looking and interesting people into continuing to go out with them. And, in the rare case of a relationship in which one person is not vastly superior to the other, it allows both people in the relationship to feel special and have some fun. And that's nice for everyone.

I refuse to bow before the Hallmark shrine of Valentine's Day, a holiday that exists solely to make half the population depressed and the other half broke. Instead, I suggest we boycott Valentine's Day this year. Just don't buy anything special for your boyfriend/girlfriend this Feb. 14.

Instead, do something romantic later. A week later, two weeks later, a month later, when your sweetheart is least expecting it. This applies to both sexes. Surprise your special someone when it really is a surprise, not when it's a holiday. Let them know you really care, and that you're not just doing it because everyone else is doing it on the same day. Valentine's Day sucks, but love is quite nice. This way, the only people who need be depressed are the losers, who are already depressed anyway.

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