Comments from a Jerk

I am not a Sell-Out
12/3/98


the jerk
Many of you were upset with my columns as of late. I have been told by my loyal fan base that they fear I’m going soft. I just want to tell you, just because I’ve hit the big time by writing for a site as popular as this, doesn’t mean I’m gonna sell-out. I’m well aware that it’s my off color comments that has made me the media phenomenon that I am today. And no degree of fame will ever change that. Don’t you worry about my changing.

And just to prove it I figured I’d think of something extra offensive to say. And try I did, to think of something. But to tell the truth, I couldn’t do it. Despite my recent trip to Canada, I have nothing truly mean to say. Well, nothing unless you count my dislike for women in the work place. Since when could a woman run anything other then an oven? The other day a woman delivered a pizza that I had ordered. I, of course, wondered if it was a joke. She seemed to not think it was, so I decided to let the issue rest. But I was a little sad to see women trying to take over one of the last jobs left for non-college bound teenage boys. My only consolation was in the fact that since it was a woman I felt no problem with tipping less.

The next thing you know women will be picking up my garbage or uncoupling trains. Why do they need to invade our man jobs? Why did they think we opened all those Precious Moments stores in the malls? We men sure aren’t gonna sell that cutesy crap. There are plenty of low-end retail jobs to be had.

And as far as sexual harassment goes, I say that’s what you get for trying to do something other then sell teddy bears and greeting cards. And really what’s the problem? I would like to be harassed at work for once. But no, it’s like a sexual wasteland down at the YRU-Up offices. And talk about bad hygiene. The lady who brings coffee smells like someone lit a dead rat on fire in her mouth. Don’t even get me started about the rest of the writing staff.

Well, I think that’ll do for now. I hoped I proved my worth as an asshole one more week.

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