Pat Casey

Pat Casey is a mystery, rolled up in a puzzle, in big ol' enigma box with a creamy conundrum filling. To know him is to love him, and even if you don't know him, you should love him anyway, because he's just that great. Like most people of his generation, Pat was born. He had two parents, two arms, two legs, and one face. His face was big, and goofy, and inspired terror in all who saw it, although Pat-face is considered a delicacy in some cultures. As Pat grew up, he devoted himself to the study of the martial arts. By the age of ten, he was a ninja master, like those kids in "3 Ninjas," except there was only one of Pat. One day, young Pat was watching the movie, "Follow That Bird," and it occurred to Pat that much injustice takes place in this world. Pat decided that it was up to him to stop it. Every night, Pat would dress up like a little clown, paint his face in a gruesome Death's Head, and walk the streets of downtown Minneapolis, looking for trouble. He decided to take down organized crime in the Twin Cities, and he assembled a small army to help him do it. In elaborate hits, he would personally kill top mafia bosses. In one such hit, according to popular myth, a mob boss named Fat Arnie was going to throw himself a birthday party. Arnie arranged to have a giant birthday cake with a girl inside of it, to pop out and entertain the guests. His party started, and all was going well, until the cake was brought out. At the appointed time, the top of the cake popped off, but what came out of the cake surprised everyone. It was not the girl. It was Pat, the avenging angel of the frozen northland. Pat had hid inside the cake, then when the girl entered, had killed her and stripped off her skin. He pulled the skin off of her and made it into a make-shift outfit for him to wear, including a horrible mask made from her face. On this mask, Pat painted his trademark Death's Head. When he popped out of the cake, he rose and inspired awe and fear in the assembled multitudes. "You have assembled here to honor the man known as Fat Arnie!" said the horrifying clown-girl. "By showing honor to this human piece of garbage, you insult all that is civilized! I will no longer allow such decadence in my city!" Pat then proceeded to castrate every man at the party, and he personally raped and killed every woman and child at the party, including Arnie's newborn son, Jamie. After this occurred, every mob man from the San Andreas to the Potomac knew that the eleven-year old Pat was a force to be reckoned with, and that his wrath was like divine retribution, utterly destroying the evil men and salting their earth. Pat's reign of terror lasted for two and a half years, and during that time there was complete and utter war between the mob forces and Pat's army of highly trained superninjas. Thousands were killed, and the President nearly declares a national state of emergency, but the public never knew that such a war was going on. It became known as "The Shadow War."
The war came to an end even more suddenly than it had begun. Pat Casey, the greatest fighter the world had seen since the days of swift-footed Achilles, the greatest tactician since Julius Caesar, and the best athlete since Deion Sanders, slipped in the bathtub. Fourteen year old Pat, killer of hundreds, slipped because he wouldn't spend the extra four bucks to have those little hand-rails on the side of his shower. When he landed, he hit his head and got a severe case of amnesia. His parents had never know about Pat's Shadow War, or even about his superninja life. So when he woke up, they just told him he was about to enter high school, and he liked TV. He threw himself whole-heartily into TV as a result of this, and ended up the producer of some crappy cable access show. There is still a fifty thousand dollar price on his head.