| Name of Sign |
Dates
of Sign |
Horroscope |
| Aries |
March 21 to
April 20 |
Despite what your friends tell you, there’s no way you’ll win. Give it up already. Stay away from books this month. They hold the key to your undoing. A Pisces is going to try and steal your VCR but don’t let them. They could provide you with a much-needed vacation. Try Yoga. |
| Taurus |
April 21 to
May 20, 21 |
If you like hockey this month will be pretty tame. Expect romance with a lovely young Leo but avoid getting too involved. They will prevent you from going on that long wanted vacation. Work will provide you with much needed goofing off time. Don’t buy a futon. |
| Gemini |
May 21, 22
to June 21 |
Take this month off if you can. Vacation time is in your best interest. Your sex life could get a much needed push from a Scorpio if you play your cards right. If not, the Capricorn you’ve been ignoring could get you a quick lay. Don’t get caught point shaving. |
| Cancer |
June 22 to
July 22 |
Pretending you’re dead will not help you avoid your responsibilities this month. You must face them in order to get past them. A Virgo will need to have a long talk with you. Use this opportunity to take them on a vacation. This will give you the time you need to figure it all out. Cancel all dental visits. |
| Leo |
July 23 to
August 22, 23 |
You might need to put off that trip to handle matters at home for a while. Don’t get involved with a Taurus, they will only hurt you this month. Jump on the bad wagon of binge drinking, you can do no wrong the last week of the month. Get that rash checked. |
| Virgo |
August 23,
24 to September 22, 23 |
Take time to talk to a Leo friend this month. They may be the key to that vacation you’ve been needing. Capricorns are after your soul, don’t let them in your house. You’ll find yourself in a position to change careers. Rethink your views on animal testing |
| Libra |
September
23, 24 to October 22, 23 |
If you have any vacation time coming, use it to catch up on that reading you’ve been meaning to do. Expand your mind so people might actually start liking you. Don’t try arts and crafts this month because you’re all out of Macaroni. Don’t forget your P’s and Q’s. |
| Scorpio |
October 23,
24 to November 22 |
Avoid sex with Gemini’s this month. They’re swimming with disease and you don’t want to miss that up coming trip. You’re boss will like what you’ve been doing with your project next week, but don’t let it fool you. It’s all a trick to steal your wallet. Ware suspenders. |
| Sagittarius |
November 23
to December 21, 23 |
If you thought last month sucked, just forget about it, you’ll be dead soon anyway. If you wanted to get away this month it ain’t happening. Just give up already. Animals will take a shining to you this month. If you let them into your heart they’ll just rip it out from the inside. Stay away from Denny’s. |
| Capricorn |
December 22,
24 to January 20 |
A Gemini soul mate is on the way. Hold on to this one, it’s a keeper. Don’t be afraid to put out right away, you won’t regret it. Make vacation plans early, the hot spots are filling up. More money is in your future due to loss of pet. New-found extra pet food money could go into the nose job fund. Trust no one |
| Aquarius |
January 21
to February 19 |
Take a cruse this month if you want to avoid the mobs of mob hitmen. You could dress as a member of the opposite sex. Tragedy will strike the last week of the month but you can get through it with the help of self-gratification. Just imagine you’re Paul Bunion. |
| Pisces |
February 20
to March 20 |
Petty theft can lead to romance and travel this month. If you can get out of that pre-arranged marriage. Don’t let your mother tell you what to do, she’s just fat and bitter. Stick it to the man, sister. If you can’t beat em, join em. |
