“I was thinking how I, like I was all cool with Jesus and everything, and I was like at the mall getting my tongue pierced, and I saw this Jesus fish thing.” Dirk explained. “So I figured, why not slap in on the back of the old Dirk-mobile? Before I knew what was up, my car felt, like, more holy. It was so fucked up” “Dirk was not mistaken,” says Bishop Fredrick Walton. “I have confirmed myself that the car now possess a powerful blessing from our Lord Jesus Christ. And it’s all seems to be thanks to that little fish thing." Bishop Walton only came across this “blessed” car when he entered the local Denny’s where Dirk works as a cashier. The Bishop stated that he was literally “struck shitless” by the holiness of that Pontiac. He rushed inside to see who the owner was, and found Dirk.

Dirk and "holy" car. Insert: Jesus Fish

The Lord

“I mean, I knew my Jesus car had something really special going for it, but I never figured this Bishop dude would notice. I guess it was just another blessing from the big J.” Dirk reports, among other things new about the car, that it gets better gas mileage, has better acceleration and breaking, and protects him from temptation by the devil. All of it makes his car “one sweet ride.” The Pope has been reported to have made plans to visit the car early next year. The Pope’s Press Secretary told the press yesterday that, “The Pope is very interested in this new gift from our Savior. His Holiness wishes to see this automobile that has taken the title of ‘most blessed car,’ away from what was most recently held by the Pope’s own Pope-mobile. The Pope has not shown animosity toward this new champion, but would like to challenge Mr. Pimton to a race for the crown. Winner take all.”

Upon hearing the news of the Papal statement Dirk replied, “I don’t know what the Pope’s thinking man. He can’t beat this God machine. I think that funny hat of his must be on too tight.”

Religious annalists are still somewhat doubtful of what has been called “the Shroud of Tourin of the automotive world.” They point to similar holy cars that were later proved to be hoaxes. “Who can forget the Virgin Mary VW Bug in 1972? Or that AMC Pacer that was supposed to be the re-incarnation of John the Baptist,” staff writer for Christian World Monthly, Jack Peabody warns. “These were all shown to be false, so I tell people to be careful before they get their hopes up.”

Dirk still stands by his car and says that there is “no goddamn way” he faked this religious miracle. “The Lord smiled on my ride man. I think that’s so wicked. I can only hope to live up to what has been given to me”

Later, Dirk announced plans to add a “Honk of you love Jesus” bumper sticker. “I figure, what could it hurt?”

© 1998 ditchhall@hotmail.com

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page