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YRU-UpdateNew Study: Cosmetic Testing makes Animals more Attractive4/14/99
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BUFFALO NY - As the animal rights issue continues to heat up in America, a new study from the Committee for Testing Rights, and the National Center for Animal Husbandry shows that cosmetic testing dramatically improves the animals ability to attract a mate. Up to 50% more attractive then their wild counterparts the study claims.
Dr. Richard Crockdad, tester for Maybeline Labs, was one of the participants in the study, says, "Often times, people misunderstand what we do here at the lab. They think these animals don't get anything out of it, but they do. It's like a free makeover. That is, unless of course we burn their eyes out with mascara." |  moment of freedom |
 Sexy alluring Chimp | Even people in the Animal rights community are convinced by the outcome of the 5-year study. Susan Dohenie, leader of the New York chapter of PETA, has seen the results, and has reversed her opinion on animal cosmetic testing. "If you thought those little bunny-wunnies were cute before, you should see them all dolled up, and ready for a night on the town. I could just hug em forever and ever." Miss. Dohenie exclaimed. " Now regular bunnies just look stupid. Like someone when they get up on the morning. The least they could do is use some moisturizer to get rid of those bags under their eyes." But issues have been raised as to whether these benefits do in fact help the animals. "It is true that this new breed of super hot animals has rarely any time to date. What with having to go through day after day of cruel cruel skin irritant tests." The doctor went on, "But I know that when we stick them in their cold cage at night that they feel a sense of pride over their new found attractiveness. " The study comes just in time for the cosmetic testing industry. They have come under heavy fire the in the last few months since the introduction of a new type of testing called gouging. It's where whole chucks of an animal are cut out, and filled with the cosmetic being tested. At the same time the animal's eyes are held open, and sand is blown into their face. Then the whole animal is dipped in hot butter, and strapped down in the hot sun. |
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"Yeah we got a lot of flack for that testing method." Commented Dr. Crockdad, "But no one understood how important that test could be. I think people would change their minds quickly if we started to release untested products onto the market and people's skin was irritated when a large amount of the make-up fell into a huge open wound. "
The industry hopes this new study will swing public opinion back in their favor. "Above all I think we really help the animals by making them look so God damn good. And if they could talk, and weren't in so much pain, they'd thank us" |  Study rates many different animal's hotness |
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