YRU-Update

Man Cleans Attic, finds Jesus

3/23/00

Tacoma, WA. – In a routine spring cleaning, recently divorced Ted Dohene, found not only something amazing in his attic, but also a sense of peace. While looking through a box of wedding mementos, Ted came across the Lord Jesus Christ.

“My wife had just left me, and so when I came across the box marked ‘wedding’, I figured I there might be something in there that could cheer me up. Maybe help me figure out what I did wrong to make her stop loving me,” Ted recounted. But what Ted found in the box was something much more profound.

Ted still lonely

Jesus finaly located
in a box of junk

Ted went on, “I opened the box and picked up my wedding album, and there, underneath, was this man’s head, and he was smiling at me. I was shocked at first, but then I felt calm, and fulfilled. Like my life now had meaning.”

The man in the box told Ted who he was and said he had been waiting for Ted to find him. That evening they had dinner while Jesus spun stories of the good old days.

“Jesus told me he was sorry to see me drift away from his truth, and that he really wanted me to be back on his team. Before that day I was so depressed. I didn’t have much to live for. I couldn’t have come across him at a better time.”

After showing Ted the light at about two in the morning, Jesus left Ted’s house and told him that he really had to get back to work. Those closest to Jesus stated that, “He was just glad to get out of there, and really felt guilty for not being around to help us all out.”

Ted’s Ex-wife Nancy commented, “I’m happy for Ted that he was able to find a way to get on with his life. Though I’m shocked he could find Jesus at all, the way he keeps things. I swear, he’s the filthiest person I’ve ever met. I can’t believe I ever thought I loved that man.”

The Vatican has not released any official comment on Jesus being located, but Washington area churches have been much more vocal.

Local Cardinal Jonathan Crutch stated, “We are so glad to know that somebody finally found our lord. We weren’t sure where he was, and some people were getting a little worried. We all have to be more careful not to misplace him this time.”

“You know, I really couldn’t be happier to have found Jesus. At least I know he loves me. Even if no other person on earth ever will. God I’m lonely…”

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