I'll tell you one thing, 80 Centaur hooves are nothing compared to the right cross of a God. And while I had certainly taken my share of blows from the Goddess, it had been a long while since any serious swipes had been made. Valasca had been all business. I don't believe there was a place left on my body that wasn't crying out in pain....well, maybe my hair and possibly my left pinky toe, but otherwise I hurt like, well, like I had just gotten the Tartarus beaten out of me by the Goddess of Chaos.
When I came to, I found myself lying on the floor of an Amazon prison. I was being jabbed in the side by a man who looked very much like Autolycus, the legendary King of Thieves.
MM: "Oh Gods," I moaned holding my head, "I don't have time for such hallucinations today."
KOT: "Well, this is not exactly what I had in mind either, Missy. When I signed up for Guardian Angel duty, I fancied myself swashbuckling through Mesopotamia, not springing Bards from the big house."
MM: "First of all, I didn't ask for your help. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself..."
KOT: "Uh-huh. I can see that. Where are we anyway? This place seems awfully familiar."
MM: "Amazon Prison. Second of all...."
KOT: "Mmmm. Yep, I thought so. I can't believe they haven't redecorated by now. Well, you're in luck Missy, I got a bard out of this prison before, I can do it again."
MM: "Don't call me Missy."
KOT: "Huh? Oh, Okay, whatever you say Little Miss."
MM: "Look. Autolycus, is it? As much as I appreciate your patronizing attitude, I really am in no need of your assistance at this time. So you might as well just scurry back to where ever it is you came from and tell the fates to give you a new assignment."
KOT: "The fates? Oh no, you misunderstood. I wasn't sent here by the fates. I am here at the direct biding of Hades himself."
MM: "Hades? Why would Hades have any interest in getting me out of here?"
KOT: "I don't ask questions Little Miss, I just go where he sends me. Certainly you should understand that."
MM: (nodding my head) "More than you know."
Autolycus walked over and began inspecting the lock on the cell door.
MM: "What do you think?"
KOT: "Pretty standard. I ought to be able to have you out of here in a Jiffy."
Then as mysteriously as Autolycus had appeared he disappeared. A fine time to get recalled. In his place, stood a five foot, four inch blonde bard. Oh my, this just keeps getting better and better.
MM: "Gabrielle?"
Gabby: "Yes, what is it Melissa?"
MM: "Nothing. Just checking."
Gabby: "Looks like you got yourself in a bit of trouble here."
MM: "Yeh, some."
Gabby: "I might be able to help you out. I was once the Queen of the Amazons, you know."
MM: "So I hear."
Gabby: (yelling out the bars) "GUARD!"
MM: "Shhhhh! Quiet! They don't like it when you yell like that."
Gabby: "Don't worry, I know what I am doing. I told you I was Queen around here. GUARD!"
MM: (Leap to my feet and put my hand firmly over Gabrielle's mouth) "I said, quiet."
Gabby: (Jabs me in the stomach with her fist knocking the wind out of me)
MM: "Ouch."
Gabby: "Don't you know better than to cover a bard's mouth? It's like taking a warrior's sword Melissa. It's just not done."
MM: "You're pretty tough for a bard."
Gabby: (shrugs) "I have many skills."
Then I found myself face to face with Xena. Gabrielle was no where to be found.
Xena: "So. What did you do to get yourself locked up in here?'
MM: (dead silence)
Xena: "Don't make me put the pinch on ya."
MM: "The pinch?"
Xena: (demonstrates) "Just so you know, I have cut off the flow of blood to your brain, you will be dead in 30 seconds if you don't answer my question."
For those of you who might be wondering, this pinch thing of which Xena spoke, not at all a pleasant experience. Rather excruciating in fact.
MM: "Xena?" (Oh goddess, did I just speak the destroyer of nations name out loud?!(
Xena: "Yes?"
MM: (gasping, tho I don't know why, it was the blood she cut off not my oxygen) "It's a long story and it will take more than 30 seconds to tell."
Xena: "Hmmm. Well ok, but don't make me do it again." (releases me from the Pinch)
MM: "Valasca."
Xena: "That's it? That's your *long* story?"
MM: "Well, I may have shortened it a bit. I know, I know, it looses a lot of it's flare, but really I am a bard of few words, and....."
Xena: (puts the pinch back on me) "Shut up and let me think. What would Valasca be doing here? I left her trapped in that lava pit with Callisto centuries ago."
Xena disappears leaving without taking the Pinch off of me.
From outside the cell a small group of Amazons watch as I spin around on the floor, gasping and choking, while clawing helplessly at my neck. (Not sure why I thought this would help, but it was in fact, the first thing that came to my mind, so I went with it.(
Amazon#3: "What is she doing?"
Amazon#4:"I have no idea."
Amazon#3:"You should have been here earlier, when she was talking to herself."
Amazon#4:"Do you think maybe she has gone mad?"
Amazon#3:"Well that is certainly possible, the Queen was a bit rough on her."
All laugh.
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