Episode Review

GC: So what is this one called?

MM: Armageddon Now

GC: (BEG) ok, if you insist. (finger tips begin to glow)

MM: NO! (grabbing Callisto's hands) Er....I mean...uh...that's the name of the episode Goddess.

GC: Let - go.

MM: (releases Callisto's hands) I'm sorry.

GC: of course you are precious - but there's not much we can do about that now is there?

MM: (blank stare)

GC: Well?

MM: no, there's not.

GC: That's my good girl. (ruffles the bard's hair) Now push play.

(((Funeral Pyre for Hope and Solon)))

GC: another repeat? I have about had it with r....hey that's something new.

(((Sparks float up into the air and fall as ash, a glowy shape forms, sucks the life out of an old man and steals his cloak)))

GC: I wonder if I can do that.

MM: what? Steal a cloak?

GC: Noooo. Burst into a million sparks and pull myself back together again. (starts to concentrate)

MM: Goddess NO! I mean -uh- what if...what if you can't?

GC: Mmmmm good point. Stand over there bard.

MM: Me?! (comes out really squeaky) b-bu-but who will change the channels?

GC: (frown) Hmmmmm. *sigh* Well, if not you - then who?

MM: (Geek, oh please let it be Geek)

GC: Geek.

MM: YES!

GC: She'll be able to think of someone.

MM: Oh. (frown)

GC: what?

MM: It's just that - Geek would make a beautiful array of sparks and flame.

GC: Ya think?

MM: (nods) (inward smirk)

(((Hercules is building a wall for his mother)))

GC: (with disgust) Hercules.

MM: Goddess, does he ever?

GC: no.

MM: but with all that power and strength, you would think he -

GC: I said no.

MM: I'm just saying -

GC: Look bard - he never finishes building the damn wall, no matter how many times you ask the answer will always be NO! So just give it a rest will ya?!

(((Iolaus sits around and watches Hercules do all the work)))

MM: (I wish)

GC: (GLARE)

MM: (...that lazy sidekick would do some work for a change.)

GC: nice save.

MM: thanks.

(((Hope clears the cave entrance of rocks and Callisto exits the cavern)))

MM: Goddess! It's you!

GC: must we cover this every time there is an episode which is about me? That is Hudson pretending to be me. You can tell because - whhhhy?

MM: her acting is better than yours?

*ping*

(((Hope: "Welcome Home Callisto")))

MM: she's all crispy.

GC: *lol*

Somewhere on the other side of New Cirra Geek curses the bard.

(((Hope tells Callisto her mission is to rid the world of Hercules)))

MM: you couldn't even get rid of Xena how does she expect you - to -- get --- oh no. (whimper)

Trancer: that's just great - you haven't even gotten to the opening credits yet.

(((Callisto to Hope: "‘cause I'm a Goddess now sweet cheeks, and Goddesses don't die.")))

MM: (blank stare)

GC: What? I can say sweet cheeks.

MM: apparently.

(((Callisto: "My life. My life will never end. And it was over years ago in Cirra.)))

MM: Cirra or Sirrah?

GC: Cirra.

MM: Because you just pronounced it Sirrah and before that --

GC: (glare)

MM: I'm just saying -- a little consistency -- not a bad thing.

*ping*

(((Ares' plot to start a war is foiled by Hercules)))

MM: stupid Hercules.

GC: (arching an eyebrow)

MM: (uneasy smile) (wave)

(((Ares to Strife regarding Hercules: "And you! You're a worthless excuse for a God. He makes a fool of you time and time again!")))

GC: Hello pot - kettle - Formica. I still don't see Herc's head on your belt.

(((Strife: "I still don't see Herc's head on your belt.")))

GC: Not a word.

MM: (lips curling into a smile)

GC: aught. (raises silencing hand)

MM: *snicker*

*ping*

GC: Better behave bard, I'm all out of Legos.

(((Ares zaps Strife. Callisto: "Hit him again he deserves it.")))

MM: instigator.

GC: (beam)

(((Ares: "Callisto! Looking better than ever. Immortal and a newborn Goddess.")))

MM: (arching an eyebrow)

(((Callisto: "I'm flattered, Ares. I really wasn't quite sure what kind of reception I would get as myself considering the last time we met, I was in Xena's body.")))

MM: Ruh?

(((Ares: "Oh, I remember.")))

MM: explain.

GC: Shhhh. Watch the show.

MM: (arching a suspicious eyebrow)

GC: *cough* I mean it.

(((Strife: "Callisto? She's a twisted sister. Next to her, the furies are, uh, mellow.")))

MM: you can say that again.

GC: Ruh?

MM: nothing...watch the show.

(((Callisto: "Yeah. I love fire. It's always been a part of me since Xena's army burnt my home. And that fire turned my family to ashes. And everybody died that day.")))

GC: (heavy sigh)

MM: (lip quivering) oh Goddess, I....

GC: what did I tell you?

MM: look before I hug?

GC: because?

MM: Because Elysia only knows who might be lurking around waiting to catch you in a moment of emotional weakness. The pictures would be sold at top market value thereby effectively destroying your reputation as a ruthless killer.

GC: and?

MM: it would be all my fault.

GC: Ok. Proceed.

MM: I'm afraid the moment has past.

(((Ares: "I love it when you talk like that. Such delicious carnage.")))

MM: (mouth agape in horror) he -

GC: he what? is not a nice God of War?

MM: no.

(((Ares zaps Strife: "shut up Strife." Strife coughs.)))

MM: Riccola?

(((Callisto: "I admire your technique, too. It's like a...hammer to an anvil.")))

MM: *cough*

(((Ares: "You know, some people are just begging to get pounded.)))

MM: (bites down on her lip to keep from commenting)

(((Callisto: "I didn't think you noticed.")))

MM: (sweet mother of Aphrodite, what kind of horrible test is this?)

GC: spit it out.

MM: ok that was just more information than I needed.

GC: (slowly turns to look at Melissa)(pause) (flicks her between the eyes)(turns back to the television)

(((Ares: "I was talking about Hercules.")))

MM: but that's his brother.

GC: don't make me hurt you.

(((Callisto: "I'll show you carnage like you've never dreamed of.")))

MM: you sweet talker you.

(((Callisto: "The land scape littered with body parts.")))

*thud*

We are not sure if that was in a good way or not - and to be quite frank, we don't want to know.

(((Callisto and Ares materialize outside of Ares' Temple. Callisto: "I'm ready if you are.")))

MM: Cheeky.

GC: We're opening the vortex, you fool.

MM: pick any euphemism you like it's still cheeky.

GC: (why me?)

(((working together, Ares and Callisto open a vortex to the alternate universe. Both appear exhausted. Callisto leaning slightly back into Ares: "Was it good for you?")))

MM: *cough*

GC: (blank stare) Gimme that! (rips the cigarette out of the bard's mouth)

(((The Sovereign appears)))

MM: (little goofy grin)

GC: no Melissa, the God of love will not be making an appearance.

MM: oh.

(((some king forbids his daughter from marrying, but she runs off with the guy anyway))

GC: He just needs to get better control over the situation is all. Like if I told you not to do something I know you damn well wouldn't do it, right bard?

MM: right Goddess. (shut up Seven)

GC: seven?

(((Sovereign: "and Priestess Callisto, you must be my....Welcome home.")))

MM: (grin)

GC: shut up.

MM: (pause) (break into fit of hysterical laughter)

GC: I said, shut up.

MM: yes Priestess.

GC: two words - thin ice.

(((Callisto: "Please. I really don't want to hear about it. Just fork over the pendant sunshine.")))

MM: *giggle*

GC: now what?

MM: Nothing. *snicker*

GC: Tell me.

MM: I wonder if he meant a Hestian Priestess.

The ice broke...

Good thing Trancer's from Alaska.

Trancer: oh sure all us Alaskans love to swim around in arctic ocean water. Personally I bring Ice cubes.

thanks for the sarcasm

Trancer: what the Tartarus did you expect? ‘Good thing Trancer's from Alaska'

Firefighters: I don't know what you're complaining about we are the ones that had to fish her out.

Trancer: whatever.

(((Ares snags the Hinds Blood from the Sovereign)))

MM: oh man he must have been - Disappointed!

GC: (lol) that was pretty good bard, but you got to hit the syllables harder like this - DIS-Ah-Point-Tehhhd!

MM: *giggle*

(((Callisto: "Now...where were we? Oh, yes. Are you ready to consummate our relationship and move ahead with the plan? Ares: "uh-uh-uh-uh. One thing at a time. First, we consummate.")))

MM: 8-o

GC: stop that.

MM: 8-|

(((Callisto to Strife: "You pathetic little weasel!")))

MM: Good one Goddess.

GC: thanks. ... ... (frown) that was sarcasm wasn't it?

MM: (inward smile) why no, of course not.

GC: (not sure if she should be proud of this blatant insubordination or)

(SMACK)

What can we say, she's not an indecisive Goddess.

(((Callisto to Ares: "Mmmmm. Yes. And while he's busy with the sovereign, that leaves us with our own fun and games, doesn't it.?")))

MM: 8-0

GC: get your mind out of the gutter - we played Scrabble.

MM: without me?

GC: Well, it was several hundred years ago.

MM: Still.

(((Hercules and the Sovereign fight)))

DISAPPOINTING!

(((Ares and Callisto reopen the Vortex and Hercules and the Sovereign are sucked in)))

GC: not bad, eh bard. Two for the price of one.

MM: couldn't you have gotten Iolaus too?

GC: (blank stare) (mutter)

(((Hercules and the Sovereign fight)))

GC: Fast forward.

(((Ares to Strife: "You obsequious toad! You weren't even there.")))

MM: (furrows brow)

GC: It means submissive and obedient, fawning.

MM: I know what it means Goddess, It's just that I have never seen a obsequious *toad* before.

GC: really? (hands the bard a mirror)

MM: cute.

(((Callisto: "does this brazen brown-nosing actually work with you?" Ares: "What can I say? A little...stroking never hurt anyone.")))

MM: *cough*

GC: behave.

(((Callisto makes a grab for the Hind's blood. Ares: "come and get it. If you think you can." Callisto: "Oh I know I can. I was just hoping you'd put up a fight." Callisto and Ares fight)))

MM: (silly grin)

(((Hercules and the Sovereign fight)))

)))fast forward

(((Ares is kicking Callisto's hinder.)))

MM: (whispers in horrified shock) Goddess -

GC: cover your eyes bard, you don't need to see this.

((( "Not exactly my idea of foreplay, but it'll do.")))

GC: cover your ears too.

MM: I've only got two hands.

GC: (glare)

Some how the bard found a way to make it happen....

Ok - yes she could have just simply closed her eyes - but well you know - Melissa never was the sharpest crayola in the box. Besides how many of you thought of it? Huh? Oh. Never mind then.

(((Callisto blasts Strife)))

GC: did you see that bard? ............ Hey! I'm talking to .... oh. (inward debate) (pries the bard's hands way from her ears) rewind I want you to see me Zap Strife.

(((Callisto blasts Strife)))

MM: very nicely done Goddess.

GC: (shrug)

(((Ares continues to pummel Callisto)))

MM: All this fighting is really getting my j--

GC: You better not be imagining you're Ares in this little scenario.

MM: I'm not. (whistle)

(((Callisto is beaten to the ground. Hope materializes: "Get up, Callisto. Your work's not done.")))

MM: She sure is bo--

(((Hope rejuvenates Callisto with some sort of energy jolt that spasms through her body)))

*thud*

Somewhere on the other side of Cirra

Trancer: (beeper goes off) I just don't think there is anything I can do for you Geek, it's time to call in the specialists. Besides I gotta go. (damn bard)

45 minutes later....

Pandora: I still say waxed lips would have been better.

Candy Woman: Look I just don't share your artistic vision on this one alright.

Pandora: but that's gonna melt ri--

Candy Woman: who has the degree in confectioners science? Hmmmm?

Pandora: I'm just saying...

Candy woman: don't talk draw.

Geek: (now with big red jellybean lips drawn on to her face) (I think I will make her death slow and painful)

back in the temple apartment...

Trancer: there she should be as good as....well she's awake.

GC: bard - go to your room.

MM: oh man - hate the oedipal complex. (stomps away)

(((Callisto thrashes Ares)))

MM: yes! Kick his Ass!

GC: That better not be you behind the couch.

MM: It's Matt.

GC: well *Matt* tell that bardic sister of yours she'd best get her hinder up the stairs or Ares won't be the only one to get thrashed today.

MM: (mutters as she leaves) promises promises

GC: how's that?!

MM: nothing Goddess.

(((Callisto takes the Hind's blood)))

GC: was there ever any question really?

Geek enters the temple apartment

GC: what the Tartarus happened to you?

Geek: (blank stare) she upstairs?

GC: (nods)

Geek: (takes the stairs three at a time)

(((Callisto kills Strife)))

GC: (BEG) nothing like a hind's blood dagger to the gut to brighten your day, eh Strife? (frowns)

we aren't sure if it was because her witticism was lost without anyone there to enjoy it or if she was recalling another God who took a hinds' blood dagger to the gut - we find it safer not to speculate about such matters.

Geek bounds back down the stares, evil grin spread across her face.

Geek: (I don't know what those idiots were talking about, if violence isn't a good solution then why do I feel so much better?) (chuckle) (tiny skip)

GC: untie her.

Geek: (stops dead in her tracks) (kicks dirt) (stomps back up the stairs)

(((The sovereign and Hercules: "huh?" )))

GC: Bard! no response.

GC: Remove the duct tape too LD!

Geek: (mutter)

MM: aaaaauuuugghh!

Geek: baby.

MM: (missing her eyebrows) crispy.

Geek: That's it! (charges toward the bard)

MM: (vanishes - cuz Callisto really didn't want to watch the Sov fight Herc AGAIN)

Geek's momentum carried her across the room and crashing through the closet door.

Trancer: (blank stare)

Seven: what the hell happened to you?

Back down stairs.....

(((Hope: "Callisto...")))

MM: can you say - beckon call. I knew y-- (from a crumpled heap on the other side of the room) ouch.

(((Ares mourns Strife's death)))

GC: oh boo hoo.

MM: Goddess!

GC: bard!

MM: You'd be sad too.

GC: Let me tell you what I'd do if you were murdered - I'd dedicate my life to killing everything that Xena loved - her friends, her family, her reputation, even her horse.

MM: you do that anyway.

GC: Exactly.

(((Ares speaking of the one great evil: "This force of darkness spells the end of all of us -- Gods and man alike.")))

MM: *phew*

GC: Phew? Ares forcastes the end of the gods and man and your response is - phew?

MM: Well ya...I mean, it looks like the women are safe at least.

GC: (blank stare)

MM: and the Goddesses.

(((Iolous says it's Hercules that Callisto and Hope are afraid of not Ares)))

GC: am not.

(((Iolous: "Forget Zeus! It's Callisto we have to worry about.")))

MM: Wow...tres kewl Goddess. You're more scary than the king of Gods.

GC: (beam)

(((Hope to Callisto: "The ability to cross time is yours. All Gods can do it.)))

MM: oh so that's who I have to thank for your little experiments in folding time.

(((Hope continues: "You'll master it eventually...")))

MM: (scoff)

GC: watch it.

(((Ares and Iolous show up too late. Hope: "She's gone back in time....to stop Hercules from ever being born.)))

MM: Oh now that was bright.

GC: That little traitor.

(((Iolous asks to be sent back in time.)))

MM: (LOL) oh right - as if HE could stop you.

GC: (silence)

MM: I mean he's not even an immortal...*snicker*... right Goddess.

GC: I don't want to talk about it.

(((Iolaus tries to warn Alcmene that Callisto is coming, but he's too late. The Goddess lets a fire ball loose on her)))

MM: YES!

(((To Be continued....)))

MM: rats. Oh maaaaan, I don't think I can wait for the second part.

GC: I'm thinking maybe we should just skip that one.

MM: Whaaa? but --

GC: don't question me.