GC: Lie still.
MM: stop it - you're hurting me.
GC: Do you want me to fix your leg or not?
MM: Yes but...
GC: Then lie still. (takes hold of the bard's foot)
MM: ...you're not a healer.
GC: (pulls the leg taut)
MM: Aaaaaarrrrrrrrraaaaaaahhhhh!
GC: hold on. (twists the leg slightly) Just about done. (then turns it severely to the left)
MM: (whimper)
GC: There. Better?
MM: no.
GC: *exasperated sigh* Alright fine then. (steps back from the bard and wills her leg healed) Happy?
MM: You couldn't have just done that in the first place?
GC: (arching an eyebrow)
MM: Yes Goddess very happy, thank you.
GC: That's better. Now what's this episode called?
MM: Ironically enough, Maternal Instinct.
GC: How's that Ironic?
MM: well you see it...
GC: (holds up her hand cutting off Melissa mid sentence) never mind. Just put the tape in.
(((Xena and Gabrielle are in Centaur land to help negotiate a peace treaty)))
GC: say that place looks familiar.
MM: Well it should, you were there.
GC: (g) Am I going to be in this episode?
MM: Well you aren't, but Hudson is. You see Goddess she's the actr...
GC: (pops the bard in the back of the head) smart-ass.
(((Solon: "Hi Gabrielle. Wait till you see. I got a staff just like your's.)))
MM: (bg) See.
GC: See what?
MM: Xena lets her son use a (in best Callisto voice) bard's weapon.
GC: So? What do you expect? She let him be raised by horses for Zeus-sake.
MM: Centaurs, Goddess.
GC: Potato Potatoe - she might as well have let Argo raise him.
MM: (blank stare) (giggle)
(((Gabby races Solon but she takes off before she says go)))
GC: She's such a little cheat.
(((Little girl in a sack-like garment plays with a ball)))
MM: She's having a really bad hair day. I'll bet you couldn't even get a brush through that mop.
GC: Tell me about.
MM: best to burn it off and start over.
GC: (blank stare)
MM: (eg) Get it?
GC: (slowly turns to look at Melissa) why you are a wicked little bard today aren't you?
MM: (beaming)
(((the girl drops the ball into the lava pit...and then passes out)))
MM: I think she could really use a herbal energy pill.
GC: would that be anything like, henbane?
MM: As a matter of fact ye...er, how would I know? Henbane is an intoxicant.
(((Callisto jumps out of the lava pit and takes a big stretch)))
GC: you have no idea how cramped that place was.
MM: Any worse than being stuck in a DR Pepper can?
GC: want to find out?
MM: no Th...(from inside a Dr Pepper can) ...ank you.
GC: can you still move in there?
MM: oh yeah it's a real condo.
Geekgrrl suddenly materializes in the can with the bard.
Geek: (you're gonna pay for this monson)
MM: I always do.
GC: pipe down in there I'm trying to watch television.
Geek: (mouths the words) big time.
(((Callisto: "A child. I always wanted a child.")))
Geek: why? You already got a bard.
MM: (great - there's another trip to the oedipal complex)
(((Ephany and her son Xenon surprise Gabrielle)))
GC: What the?! Bard, how is this possible?
MM: how is what possible?
GC: Ephany's son is a horse.
MM: you mean a Centaur?
GC: that's what I said. Pay attention.
MM: Well, I suspect Ephany and a Centaur...
*WHAP*
Dr Pepper can goes flying across the room.
Geek: well that's just perfect. (tills her head so the Dr Pepper can drain out her ear)
(((Callisto looks around the Centaur shrine, "It's pathetic.")))
GC: Watch this bard.
MM: (peaking out the lid of the Dr Pepper can)
GC: are you watching?
MM: yes if Geek would move her....(suddenly finds herself sitting on the sofa next to the Goddess) (big Callisto-like stretch)
GC: see.
MM: yes you were right, very confining.
(((Callisto flicks fire torching the Centaur shrine...or whatever that pathetic little piece of craftsmanship was)))
GC: It's actually not as hard as it looks. Just a simple flick of the wrist. (flicks her wrist sending a fire ball across the room) Kewl, no?
MM: (mutter) yes, very nice.
GC: you really should do something about those eyebrows, Melissa. They look like they have been singed off for Zeus-sake.
MM: (blank stare)
Dr Pepper can: (giggle)
MM: (wondering if it's recycle day)
(((dead bodies hanging from Centaur artifacts)))
GC: hit pause bard, I want to admire my work.
(((Hope to Gabrielle: "It has to be Xena, the monster lady made me promise...")))
MM: (lol)
GC: (glare)
MM: sorry, monster lady.
Geek: Great. And just when I was getting use to having the place to myself.
MM: shut up and move over.
(((Hope: "she said, she'd hurt me if I told anyone else and she can. She's a god.)))
MM: (yelling from the can) You threatened that poor little child?
GC: That child is Hope.
MM: Right. Hope was just a baby, like last week.
GC: Don't make me hurt you bard.
MM: I'm - in - a Dr Pepper can. Please. What more c...
Geek: (puts hand over the bard's mouth) (whispers) Are you insane?
MM: (blank stare)
Geek: oh.
GC: What's going on in there?
GC: uh...nothing Goddess, the bard here was just constructing an apology for disagreeing with you. Weren't you bard?
GC: Lapdog? Is that you? What the Tartarus are you doing in there?
GC: (blank stare) (this is not my life)
(((Hope says Callisto gave her a message for Xena: "She knows your little secrete and she's gonna take it to the grave.)))
GC: (BEG as she watches Xena's reaction) (zaps Melissa out of the Dr Pepper can)
MM: Tha...
GC: Rewind that will you?
(((Callisto brushes Hope's hair)))
GC: Now don't be jealous bard. That girl's hair was a mess, it had to be done.
MM: Jealous? I'm just glad it's not my h...
GC: (rakes a brush through Melissa's hair ripping out several large chunks) hold still. (continues brushing) You know bard, it might behoove you to invest in a good cream rinse.
MM: (whimper)
(((Hope telling Callisto why she freed her: "To Make her stop. My Father's kingdom is at hand. The Age of Darkness, when Dahak will snuff out the people Xena loves till he's crushed her soul. And as she goes, So Goes the World.")))
GC: promises, promises.
MM: Goddess it sounds an awful lot like you were working for Hope. I was always under the impression that Hope was working for you.
GC: Well she...I mean...it's just that....shut up.
(((Callisto materializes in a fiery ball)))
MM: That was quite the entrance there Goddess.
GC: (beaming) (shrug)
(((Callisto to Xena: "I came to meet your precious, little son, Solon, Isn't it? Flesh of your flesh? Bone of your bone? Blood of your blood? Can't wait to see all that!")))
MM: well that was...uh...interesting. (scoots over)
(((Xena: "hurt my son and I swear by any god you name, I'll --" Callisto: "You'll do what? You're going to make my life a living Hell? Old hat, dear." Callisto flicks her finger and sends Xena flying across the forest.")))
GC: It's been a long time since I flicked anyone like that. *sigh* (looks at the bard) (eg)
MM: WAIT! I got a better idea. I mean, I got an idea. Why don't you..flick the Geek?
GC: (pondering) (BG)
45 minutes later Chief Jeff and 2 members of the Cirran search and rescue team located Geekgrrl.
Chief Jeff: You know Melissa, It would have helped us out immensely, if you would have told us Geek was actually *in* the Dr Pepper can.
MM: (shrug)
(((The person with Xena, turns out to be Gabrielle and not Solon)))
MM: They fooled you with the old bait-and-switch?
GC: of course not.
(((Callisto: "Gabrielle. Cleaver you. Fooling me with the old bait-and-switch.")))
MM: (opens her mouth to speak)
GC: not a word.
MM: (clamps mouth shut.)
(((Xena to Solon: "when all this is over you be packed and ready to go, we've got a lot to talk about we might as well do it on the road.")))
GC: Well that will be a rather one sided conversation.
MM: What do you mean?
GC: (blank stare)
MM: oh .... OH! Goddess he's just a child.
GC: was, dear. Was.
MM: (slight quiver in her lip)
GC: oh get over it, I have.
(((Hope: "That half-assed old man. He caught me coming for Solon." Callisto: "so you had to kill him. And Look what it's done to you. Weak as a little kitten.")))
GC: What was that?
MM: nothing Goddess, I didn't say a thing.
GC: Yes but you definitely thought something. And so help me if I find out why Joxer was involved...
(((Hope: Leave me now and join the rest of your puny Gods when Dahak destroys them. Lose everything I promised - Everything Dahak brings.")))
MM: What did she promise?
GC: Junior Mints.
MM: seriously? You mean to tell me, you sold out your ideals for a pack of Junior Mints?
GC: (blank stare)
MM: Were they at least movie sized?
(((Callisto decides not to go after Solon)))
MM: (giggle) You are taking orders from a little girl.
It would take Trancer and 2 firefighters 45 minutes to revive the bard.
(((Hope: "No, better to crush their dreams, destroy their future. We'll kill what they love most.... Their children.")))
MM: She's like your Yoda.
GC: (smack) watch your mouth.
MM: (blank stare)
(((Gabrielle starts to chastise Hope for leaving when she had told her to stay)))
MM: even the bard isn't afraid of her.
GC: two words: Thin Ice
MM: Like in Little Women?
GC: (This is not my life)
MM: yes it is.
GC: (twitch)
(((Gabrielle to Hope in reference to Xena: "Now she will see what I've known all along, you can fight your dark side.")))
MM: use the force Luke.
GC: That's it - no more Star Wars marathons for you.
(((Xena to Gabby in reference to Hope: "She's not a child. She's a body, a vessel, an instrument for evil, that is all.")))
GC: See. This is what I'm saying.
MM: That's it - no more Mad About You marathons for you.
(((Xena finds Solon dead. "Your mom is here now, just like you always wanted.")))
MM: *sniffle*
GC: Somehow, I'm pretty sure he would have liked to of been alive for the the event.
(((Callisto sensing Xena's pain is elated then left feeling empty at the death of Solon)))
MM: Well that was...
GC: Familiar?
MM: (caught between a (blank stare), a ::blush::, and a (scowl))
(((Gabrielle prepares poison for Hope)))
MM: I'll bet this takes her right off Dahak's Solstice list.
(((Hope slips that she knew Solon's name.)))
GC: idiot.
(((Callisto walks into the Centaur village with somber expression)))
GC: (heavy sigh)
MM: Goddess are you alright?
GC: They just don't make villages as flammable as they use to.
(((Xena shoots Callisto with an arrow)))
GC & MM: (wince)
(((Callisto: "Hurts, doesn't it? Loosing your family. Rips out your heart and your guts... Your feelings. All that's left is the pain, right?)))
GC: Now that's some serious powerful stuff right there. Take note bard, you could learn a thing or two.
MM: (mutter) Sure, you only had a year to come up with it. I mean it's not like you and Velasca were playing Pinochle in that lava pit.
GC: how's that?
MM: Tres powerful, Goddess.
(((Xena yells "now!" and villagers begin shooting Callisto with arrows)))
MM: What could they possibly have been thinking?
GC: you took the words right out of my mouth.
(((Callisto is not happy about the arrow situation....AT ALL! In some sort of Goddess rage she shoots the arrows out of her body and into the archers.)))
MM: Neat trick.
GC: (little pride-filled goofy grin) Thanks
(((Xena knocks Callisto to the ground)))
GC: Lucky shoot.
(((Callisto grabs Xena's sword between her hands. "You'd like to kill me. Wish you could." Then whacks the warrior princess with the hilt.)))
GC: skill.
(((Callisto goes after the children: "Come out, come out, wherever you are. I promise it won't hurt....much.")))
MM: I've heard that before.
GC: ::blush::
(((Callisto: "dead end" Xena: "you got that right.")))
MM: oh she's soooo witty.
(((Callisto: You don't seem to get it do you?")))
GC: Cover your ears bard.
(((Callisto: "You've won. All these years I've spent living to destroy you. Thinking that only if I could give you the same pain that you gave me, I'd be rid of it. And life would go on. And then I do...and nothing changes. I don't feel better, just empty. So you let me go, Xena. You can't win this battle. And you've already won the war.")))
MM: *sniffle* That was beautiful Goddess.
GC: I thought I told you to cover your ears.
(((Xena: "it's not that simple. I won't let it be.")))
GC: Best close your eyes too.
(((Xena thrashes Callisto)))
MM: Why don't you fight back?
GC: What did I just tell you?
MM: (closes her eyes)
(((Callisto can't hit Xena with the lightening bolts)))
MM: nice aim.
GC: (zap) How was that?
MM: better. (comes out really squeaky)
(((walls are crumbling down, Xena chokes Callisto. Callisto: "you'll trap us both.")))
MM: why don't you just vanish?
GC: THAT'S IT!!!
The bard learned two valuable lessons that day. One, blood thirsty Gods of obsession don't do constructive criticism. And two, you can fit into a sewing thimble with the right incentive or a little divine assistance.
GC: Okay, you can turn it off now.
MM: But it's not over yet.
GC: If we keep watching you're just gonna get all sniffly.
MM: (blank stare)
GC: Oh all right. (rolls her eyes)
(((Solon and Hope's funeral)))
MM: (sniffle)
GC: Told you.
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