MM: This one is called, A Stranger in a Strange Land. (pops tape into the VCR)
GC: Hey! That's Hercules Melissa. I thought you said we were watching Xena.
MM: Hang in there Goddess she's coming....You're going to love it.
(((Ares materializes)))
GC: (arching an eyebrow) Uh-huh. Now I see. God of war.
MM: ::blush:: (((Ares and Hercules fight...Iolaus can see Ares, generic princess/peasant/whoever can't)))
GC: Hmmm? I wonder if I can do that. (vanishes) Is it working?
MM: (blank stare) There needs to be someone else in the room Goddess.
GC: (just her voice) oh.
***Chief Jeff appears in the room***
CJ: What the...(drops his toothbrush, paste side down, onto Melissa's newly shampooed carpet)
GC: Can you see me?
MM: yes.
CJ: Goddess?
GC: Tartarus. (kicks over a lamp) (concentrates) Ok how about now?
CJ: Goddess, is that you?
GC: Son of a Bacchae! (hurls vase across the room) (concentrates) Ok how about now?
MM: (puts her hand over Jeff's mouth, in her best Chief Jeff voice...what can we say, one never knows when a good Police Chief imitation would come in handy, and Melissa was a bard of many skills) No Goddess I don't see you.
CJ: (blank stare) (vanishes)
GC: Good. One more talent for the old scrolls, eh bard? (BG)
MM: You never cease to amaze me.
(((Evil Hercules smacks Iolaus)))
GC: (smile) (peaks at Melissa out of the corner of her eye)
MM: Don't even th...
(SMACK)
MM: ...ink. (sigh) (this is not my life)
GC: Yes it is.
(((opening credits: "...When the acient Gods were petty and cruel...)))
MM: (tell me about it)
GC: shut-up pissant.
(((Alternate Universe Iolaus bounces around like a court Jester)))
GC: He remind you of anyone Melissa?
MM: Yeah Joxer Jr.
GC: Nope.
MM: Come on now, it's bad enough that you constantly compare me with a certain irritatating blonde bard, but please give me some credit Goddess...Iolaus?
GC: Settle down, not you either. Tho there is a certain family resemblance.
MM: Matt?
GC: Yes, Mallboy!
MM: (inward smile)
(((Iolaus finds himself imprisoned in an alternate universe)))
GC: I hate it when that happens.
MM: (blank stare) It looks like Alice in Wonderland.
GC: (blank stare)
(((Aphrodite enters by doing a high dive into a puddle of water)))
GC: Great. (mumbling) Aphrodite.
MM: yeah....
GC: (arching an eyebrow) Stop that.
(((Hercules says "nobody killed him he just keeled over.")))
GC: yeah right.
(((Alternate universe Hercules has Gutted and Stuffed the heads of his opposition)))
GC: (shudder) That's a bit extreme don't you think?
MM: You ok Goddess? You don't look so good.
GC: I'm fine.
MM: but you're all pasty.
GC: I said I'm fine. (THUD)
It took Trancer and 2 firemen 45 minutes to revive the Goddess. But I'm not one to gossip so you didn't hear it from me.
(((Realize that when the alternate universe version of somebody dies they die too)))
GC: (slight panic) That's not true. Is it Melissa?
It took Wesser and two lab technicians 45 minutes to convience Callisto that there was no such thing as an alternate universe. Three days and one episode of ST:Voyager later, it would take Wesser and two astro-physists 45 additional minutes to re-convince her.
(((Hera is the Goddess of Music, Aphrodite is the Queen of the Gods, Ares is the God of Love, and Cupid the God of War in the alternatate universe)))
GC: (LOL!)(Dr Pepper shoots out her nose)
MM: ouch. (scowl)
What can we say, Goddess nose spray is some powerful stuff!
(((Xena appears in full dominatrix attire.)))
GC: What in the Tartartus does she think she's wearing?
MM: (oh right, like you should talk)
GC: (blank stare) Hudson's not here bard. What's the matter with you?
(((Xena says: "You're not going to punish me are you?")))
GC: (mouth drops open) What kind of show is this?
MM: I could change it.
GC: No.
MM: (inward smile)
GC: stop that pissant.
(((Iolaus says, "Their forplay is going to get me killed.")))
GC: That's it bard, close your eyes.
MM: But Goddess, I....
GC: (arching an eyebrow)
MM: (closes her eyes)
GC: (with great alarm) Xena has Hind's blood?! Er, uhm I mean...(very flatly) Xena has Hind's blood?
MM: Alternate Universe.
GC: (blank stare) well?
MM: Well what?
GC: oh. Uhm, open your eyes.
MM: (opens her eyes)
GC: (intense blank stare)
MM: it's a make believe alternate universe, don't worry.
GC: uh....I'm not. Hey! What's is Elvis doing in this episode?
MM: not Elvis, the God of Looooove. (comes out real throaty)
GC: Stop that.
MM: Love. (still throaty)
GC: (sigh) Close your eyes.
MM: (pout)
(((Ares, God of Love, turns an ugly bench into a lovely little love seat, sits down and taps the cushion next to him, suggesting Iolaus should join him)))
GC: Was that subtext Melissa?
MM: What?
GC: Open your eyes.
(((Ares God of Love says, "The last thing we need around here is that manic Cupid showing up.)))
GC: You can say that again.
((Evil Hercules has a food taster)))
GC: I need to get me one of them.
MM: You already have one. Or have you already forgotten the Orange Juice incident?
GC: (inward smile) Those were good time eh Bard?
MM: The best.
(((Xena showcases the executioner's box)))
GC: Who does she think she is, Vanna White?
(((Iolaus tries to make evil-Herc laugh with a little poem: "Xena's crass, a heartless witch, no class! If Zeus were well he'd knock her on her...)))
GC: (LOL) that was great! But what's the next line? He didn't finish.
MM: I suspect Ass, Goddess.
GC: (SMACK) Watch your mouth bard.
(((Joxer is a mighty warrior)))
GC: Yeah right.
(((Hercules starts destroying Ares' Temple)))
GC: I wouldn't stand for that.
MM: What if it were a just a joke? Or like a really big party that got out of hand?
GC: What difference would that make? I'd still be kicking someone's hinder.
MM: oh.
GC: Why do you ask?
MM: no reason.
(((Xena says: "is it true Zeus throws thunder bolts because they are the only thing about him big and stiff?)))
GC: What the.... (turns TV off) Go to your haystack bard. This is too grown up for you.
MM: But Goddess the best part is comming up, with the cake, Aphrodite, the Destroyer of Nations, the big fight, the DON crawling on the floor, the Love God's spell, and Gabrielle is the executioner!
GC: what did you just say?
MM: Gabrielle is the executioner?
GC: oh no you didn't. Tell me you didn't just ruin the ending for me?
If you ever wondered what being stuck between a rock and a hard place feels like, we would have to say very much like the choice between lying to the Goddess Callisto and telling her the truth that you had in fact ruined the ending of a perfectly good story. A rather unfortunate coincidence for the bard, we'd say.
Get your own Free Home Page