MM: This one is called The Bitter Suite.
GC: Like them chocolates that Pandora use to make?
MM: No that's semi-sweet. This is like a caustic musical.
GC: Isn't that kind of redundant?
MM: That's it - no more Disney films for you.
GC: (pout)
MM: oh alright...but only those that portray evil in a positive light. (sometimes a bard just has to put her foot down) (puts the tape in the VCR)
(((Gabrielle undergoes amazon purification ritual)))
MM & GC: (blank stare)
MM: Goddess why is she nak...
GC: how should I know?
MM: And how does pelting her with palm fronds help?
GC: (slow grin forms)
MM: oh.
(((Ephiny: "Three days, now. She's been undergoing the purification ritual for three days.")))
MM: t-th-three days?
GC: (eg)
(((Joxer: "That's crazy!")))
GC: (smacks Melissa in the back of the head) What did I tell you about Joxer episodes?
MM: I keep telling you - I didn't write this stuff.
GC: and that should make a difference because?
Somewhere on the other side of Cirra, Liz Friedman curls her lips into an evil grin that the Goddess herself would be pleased with: "I have a feeling next season is going be quite painful for a certain irritating bard."
(((Joxer: "...Look, we have to get her out! She could be dying in there." )))
MM: you can't die from a frond flailing.
GC: (blank stare)
MM: er...or so I uh...*cough cough*...heard. ::blush::
(((Xena yells out in sorrow filled agony from a mountaintop)))
GC: Please. you call that anguish? I'll show you anguish.
MM: Goddess please don't scre....
GC: (SCREAMS)
MM: (twitch)
(((Ares: "Nice vocal! But you sure can't dance to it. Look, I feel your pain OK-- but how much longer before you start doing something about it?" Xena: "My son is dead, ya soulless bastard! What can I do about that?" )))
GC: such a mouth that Xena has on her, eh bard?
MM: (little goofy grin)
GC: (smack) snap out of it, it's not like you haven't seen the Destroyer of Nations before.
MM: huh...the DoN? Oh, yeah...her. Say isn't Ares witty?
GC: huh...the God of War? Oh, yeah...him.
(((Ares: "Just goes to prove what I've been telling you all along-- no good deed goes unpunished" )))
MM: (looks at Callisto out of the corner of her eye) (mutter) that's for sure.
GC: How's that?
MM: Uhm...nothing Goddess.
(((A hand caresses Gabrielle's face)))
MM: Hey, I recognize that hand.
GC: how do you recognize Hudson's hand?
MM & GC: (blank stare) *cough cough*
(((the hand slaps Gabrielle)))
GC: (g)
MM: (scowl)
(((camera pans out to show Callisto)))
MM: Hey!
GC: now wait just a second bard. I never did that. It wasn't me.
(((Gabby: "You're not real. You're in my mind." )))
GC: see.
(((Callisto: "What difference does it make? You came here for the truth-- and the truth is that Xena made us both. She shaped our lives, changed our fates-- killed our families.")))
MM: sounds like you.
(((Callisto: "And you hate her for it, don't you? For betraying you? For failing you? You hate her, don't you? Don't you? Don't you?!"
MM: so much for your career as Ann Landers.
GC: I told you, it's not me. But write that down...it's was good.
(((Xena rides into the Amazon Village)))
MM: she looks pissed.
GC: (SMACK) watch your mouth pissant.
(((Xena breaks Ephany's arm)))
MM: do all Amazons have such brittle bones?
GC: Let's find out, shall we?
(Pandora appears)
Pan: (this can't be good)
SNAP!
GC: Hmmm. Apparently, yes they do.
MM: Goddess I....
GC: wait. I know what you are going to say, my little sociologist. How could I make a such a vast generalization based on the bone breaking potential of just one Amazon?
MM: Well ac....
GC: And you would be absolutely correct. So....
(snap)(crackle)
MM: (wince)
Pan: (from a broken heap on the floor) (as Velasca as witness I will kill you Melissa)
MM: (frown) (how is this my fault?) (picks up the phone to call Trancer) Actually Goddess I was only going to say...
(pop)
Pan: (slowly)
MM: (puts the phone down) never mind. Carry on.
Pan: (whimper)
(((Joxer carries Gabrielle out of the purification hut.)))
GC: Say where did the sheet come from? I though she slept under hay.
MM: only on sp...
GC: I know, I know. "special occasions" well when was the last time you saw her actually sleep in a bed with sheets?
MM: ....
GC: Never. That's when.
MM: perhaps it's....
GC: A fashion statement? good call.
MM: (now sporting the sheet-toga look - it's all the rage with bards this season)
GC: Hrmmm? somehow that's not quite the same.
Pan: (from broken heap on the floor) perhaps it's the little Snoopy Red Barron comic on Mel's sheets? Or it's the flannel.
(((Xena lasso's Gabby's feet with a whip and drags the bard across the countryside)))
MM: (slack jawed with horror)
GC: (slack jawed with horror)
MM: Goddess she d.......(suddenly finds herself being drug about the living room from the back of the Hoover (TM)) (hey don't laugh those coffee table speed bumps hurt like...well like coffee table speed bumps)
(((Gabrielle yells at Xena: "I hate you!" and rushes the DoN sending both tumbling off a cliff into the water below)))
GC: Yeah right like the bard could do that.
MM: (leaps off the back of the sofa, crashing into Callisto with the full weight of her body)
GC: (blank stare) get off of me.
(((Aleph: "Absorb thyself in this great sea of the waters of life. Dive deep in it-- until thou hast lost thyself. And having lost thyself, then thou shalt find thyself again. Even as it is written, 'She had her dwelling in the great sea-- as in a fish therein. Aleph am I. From mine unfathomable will, the universe hath its beginning. In my boundless wisdom are the types and patterns of all things." )))
MM: That was beautiful, Goddess.
GC: uhm.....thanks.
(((Aleph Breathes life into Xena - or at least that's what the closed captioning is calling it these days)))
GC: *sigh* wasn't me.
MM: right, then why did you just take credit for the lyrical piece before that?
GC: (shrug)
(((Aleph appears)))
MM: (snicker) Why do you look like a tarot card, Goddess?
GC: (slowly turns to look at Melissa)(flicks her between the eyes)(turns back to the TV)
(((Aleph [Sings]: "Glad that you're feelin' strong, Thought I might lose ya. Don't use words, sing a song-- This is Illusia!" [Winks] )))
MM: (mumble) No intoxicants my ass.
(((Aleph: "Xena, be warned, Xena, beware. By closing your eyes, You can see what isn't there. Xena, be calm. Open your eyes. Lies may be truth, And truth may be lies.")))
MM: why do you keep talking in rhyme?
GC: I told you - It's not me.
(((Xena: "All right, Callisto-- cut the song and dance. What's going on? Where are we?")))
MM: (arching an eyebrow)
GC: Xena CAN be wrong you know.
(((Aleph straddles herself across Xena's lap)))
MM: I suppose that wasn't you either.
GC: no.
MM: (in best Sovereign imitation) Disappointed!
GC: shut up.
(((Dog: "All in the lips That you kissed.")))
GC: What kind of messed up place is this?
(((Aleph: [Sings]: "Your villainous infamy, Tortures your soul. Descent into evil, Must levy its toll. The darkness that rots you, Has brought you to this.")))
GC: (pops Melissa in the back of the head) Why can't you ever write cool stuff like that?
MM: (blank stare)(Elysian fields calm and green....)
GC: (pops Melissa in the back of the head) no poetry. And no appealing to that Calgon character either. .... Don't look at me like that you know what I mean.
((( Xena knocks Aleph to the ground)))
MM: you let her treat you like that?
GC: Sweet mother of Hestia! How many times must I tell you THAT is not me.
MM: chill out.
GC: *chorkle*
That can't be good.
(((Gabrielle: "The Elysian fields. Only heroes wind up here. Dead heroes. Dead, naked heroes.")))
MM: What did she just say?
GC: Quiet in there or I'll put you in the recycle bin.
The Dr Pepper can fell silent.
(((Joxer turns a clump of grass into a dress for Gabrielle)))
GC: Say....(looks at the Dr Pepper can)(g)
MM: (suddenly finds herself released from the can)(big Goddess Callisto released from the Lava Pit stretch) Thank---What the Tartarus am I wearing?
GC: Watch your mouth. And obviously, its a dress, like the one Gabrielle has on.
MM: (blank stare) Then how come mine looks like a sod farm?
GC: (shrug)
(((Warrior Chorus: "Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Praise the winds of chance that blew. Xena's back, where friends are true. We would fight to death for you-- brave Xena. )))
GC: wonderful, it's a regular love feast.
(((Ares [Sings]: "You-- are the most divine, Delicious warrior." )))
MM: *thud*
(((Ares: "A man can't help Saluting your return." )))
GC: (blank stare)
(((Ares: "And if you start my heart, It's just the way you slash and burn." )))
GC: *thud*
Trancer: I'll take care of Pandora, but I think the other uh problem (gestures toward Callisto and her passed out bard) is more along the lines of your expertise Gene.
It would take Gene...er it would take Dr Ruth....oh who are we kidding we had to call in the cable guy and two TV repairmen to fast forward the episode to Gabrielle in Ilusia Poteidaia to revive the Goddess and Melissa.
(((Gabrielle: "I know this place-- these people-- that shop! I'm home. This is Poteidaia!" )))
GC: *yawn*
(((Village Chorus: "Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Gabrielle!)))
GC: oh brother.
MM: (under her breath) Gabrielle Gabrielle Gab-
GC: (sneer)
MM: sorry, it's contagious.
GC: Is not. (under her breath) Xena Xena Xena
MM: (blank stare)
GC: What?
(((Village Chorus: "You and me love peace, With the ducks and goats and geese!)))
GC: I always knew that brat was messed up.
(((Village Chorus: "Wile the hours away, Baking bread, pitching hay.")))
GC: they sure do know how to live it up in Poteidaia, eh bard.
MM: (smile)
GC: Woo-hoo! Baking bread - pitching hay. Quick - somebody stop them.
MM: (giggle)
(((Village Chorus: "We love peace, peace, peace-- )))
GC: ok I've had about all I can take of this.
(((Village Chorus: "Simple joys that never cease.")))
GC: bard.
((((Village Chorus: "We don't even change our mind! Villagers love peace, peace, peace!")))
GC: please....make it stop.
MM: (hits the fast forward button)
(((Ares to Xena: "There's no mortal born, Who meets your skill." )))
GC: ehm, excuse me War God - forgetting someone?
MM: You're not mortal.
GC: I was - once.
MM: And the DoN always kicked your hi...(deer caught in headlights look)...I can't believe Ares would forget about your superior skills Goddess. ... .... I'm in big trouble, aren't I?
GC: (nods)
Trancer, Firefighers you know the drill.
(((Lila: "Take this scythe-- It's just a case of killing to be kind." Village Chorus: "You and me love peace")))
MM: They seem to be sending some rather mixed messages.
(((Xena knocks Gabrielle to the ground and stabs her.)))
MM: (mouth agape in horror)
GC: (mouth agape in horror)
MM: (lip quivers)(tears form) She...she...killed Gabrielle.
GC: That's what I've been telling you all along Melissa - Xena is not a nice person.
MM: b..b..but her bard...she...
GC: (looks around) there there (pats Melissa on the head) it will be alright.
MM: *sniffle* Goddess.
GC: yes?
MM: could you please stop, you're hurting me.
(((Ares begins singing and seductively dances with Xena around Gabrielle's dead body)))
MM: (mouth agape with horror) Is this really the appropriate time for that?
GC: Is he wearing a skirt?
MM: (blank stare)
(((Aleph [Sings]: "Did that fill you with glee-- To kill your little friend? Did that ease your suffering-- Or bring it to an end? )))
MM: Nice biting sarcasm Goddess.
GC: not - me.
(((Ares: "Nothing more need be said. Ding-dong-- the bitch is dead.")))
GC: (snicker)
MM: That is not funny.
GC: whatever (snicker)
(((Xena: "I killed Gabrielle." )))
MM: Yeah - you did.
(((Another Gabrielle appears: "You killed me.")))
MM: ok...so now I'm confused.
GC: Now?
MM: bite me.
The bard learned a valuable lesson that day. Never make an offer you want refused.
GC: Sometimes you can be such a big baby.
MM: I think I'm gonna pass out.
GC: (beam)
(((Xena: "No, no-- I didn't, it wa-- none of this is real! Ares and Callisto, and-- well, Joxer. I didn't kill you. I killed an illusion." )))
MM: oh. so that wasn't you.
GC: (deep breath) (Song birds singing so serene...)
(((Gabrielle and Xena are transported to the hall of Echoes)))
GC: how many wardrobe changes does that bard make?
MM: well at least she changes her clothes every once in a century...(eyes widen)...uhm not that there isn't a certain charm in that. (hopeful smile)
GC: nice save.
MM: (phew)
(((Xena: "Everything about this Illusia place has been bright and cheery--)))
MM: What movie is she watching? She just *killed* Gabrielle.
GC: That's what she said.
MM: (blank stare)
(((Xena: "But this place is dark. It's meant to scare us.")))
MM: I admit the decor is not what it could be - but it's hardly scary.
GC: Tell that to Martha Stewart.
MM: (blank stare)
(((Gabrielle to Xena: "You're asking me? Well, that's a first. You know, ever since we've met, you've always made the decisions.")))
MM: (mutter) that sounds familiar?
GC: How's that?
MM: warriors are better at decisions.
GC: good girl.
(((every time Xena and Gabrielle blame each other for the past, it echoes through the halls)))
GC: You call that a torture? I'll show you a torture.
(((Xena: "Tell me how you feel! Right now! Nothing about the past-- right now!" Gabrielle: "I hurt inside!"
MM: You hurt inside? Try having your body twisted in the shape of a pretzel and stuffed into an ice cream container - then we'll talk.
GC: stop complaining. And move over I can barely see the ice cream.
(((Xena begins Singing: "My heart is hurting beyond words.)))
MM & GC: (blank stare)
(((Xena: "The pain is tearing up my soul. These days have seen my spirit die, My life propelled out of control.)))
MM & GC: welcome to the club.
(((Gabrielle: [Sings]: "My heart is hurting beyond words.")))
GC: Plagiar
(((Xena: "It's you who should feel guilty! Because of you my child is dead--" )))
GC: I never get credit for anything.
MM: Goddess.
GC: what? I'm just saying.
((( G: "If only you had never brought me there." X: "If only you had done what you were told.")))
MM: She's a bard not a lapdog.
Somewhere on the other side of Cirra, Geek mutters softly to herself, ok ok, she ranted and raved, but we're not one's to gossip so you didn't hear it from us.
GC: same difference.
Geek: I am NOT a bard.
(((G: "It's your fault!" X: "No, it's yours!" G: "How could you?!" X: "How could you?!" )))
GC: oy! Shut up already.
(((G: "It's your fault!" X: "It's your fault!" [Dahok theme song])))
GC: I have never been so happy to see Dahok in my life.
(((fire twines around Gabby's ankle and pulls her into the Temple of Dahok.)))
MM: would you let Da-
GC: In a heart beat.
MM: I love you too Goddess.
GC: of course.
(((big long production number by Hate. Xena: "Hatred, Gabrielle, that's what we're fighting-- hatred.")))
GC: ya, think? (rolls her eyes)
(((Xena is bound to a cross and Gabrielle is chained to the altar of Dahok)))
GC: (slow grin forms)(peaks at the bard out of the corner of her eye) Say Melissa?
MM: no.
GC: but.
MM: I said no.
GC: (pout)
MM: *sigh* oh alright.
The Goddess Callisto suddenly finds herself bound to a cross: "This isn't at all what I had in mind."
MM: (BG)(giggle)
(((Hate sings: "Learning hate is an art. Even people who are smart Can be caught, can be crushed, can be creamed.")))
MM: story of my life.
GC: He said smart.
MM: don't make me get the gag.
(((Xena [Sings]: "I never dreamed that we'd be Distanced by a hate-- That all the trust we had would go.")))
GC: where's my violin?
(((X: "Our hearts were hurting both the same. G: "The hurt was tearing up our souls." X: "The fury in us made us blind." G: "We could not see beyond the pain." )))
GC: mute the sound bard.
MM: why?
GC: Just do it.
MM: (hits the mute button)
GC: (in best Xena imitation) (with exaggerated emotion)(sings) If we can turn again to love.
MM: (snicker)(in best Gabrielle imitation) (also with exaggerated emotion) If we can heal these open wounds.
GC: (g) (singing) We'll leave this hatred far behind.
MM: (sing) So not a trace of hate remains.
GC & MM: (Singing) We'll overcome our damaged past! And we'll grow stronger side by side! To stand together through the storms! We're safe 'cause love will be our guide!
GC & MM: (smile) (break into hysterical fit of laughter)
((((Solan appears)))
GC: turn the volume back up.
(((Gabrielle: "He's why we're here. It's the way out. It's gotta be. He's here to lead us home.)))
MM: Solon created this musical world?
GC: I always knew that boy wasn't right in the head.
(((Xena can't pass through the waterfall out of Ilusia. Xena: "It's no use, Gabrielle. It's Ming T'ien.")))
GC: Right. Now how did she come up with that? Ming T'ien...really.
(((Hatred morphs into Ming T'ien and laughs.)))
MM: You were saying?
GC: (whistle)
(((Xena: "I killed him. I killed you, you bastard!" Gab: "You lied? You gave me your word. You lied.")))
GC: Just who does she think she's hanging out with? PollyAnna? Of course she lied. They don't call her the Destroyer of Nations for nothing.
MM: They call her the Destroyer of Nations because she lies?
GC: (blank stare) shut up. I'm making a point.
(((Xena [Sings]: "Yes, I lied. Thought I could protect you from the truth.)))
GC: oh goodie. I was hoping we'd get a musical number.
(((Xena still singing: "I'm sorry, please help me, forgive me. Don't hate me, don't leave me, forgive me. Forgive me my debt as only you could. Forgive me the hate; replace evil with good. Forgive me and find out that you-- Will be able to forgive yourself, too."
GC: So let me get this straight. She murders my entire family right before my eyes and I get a trip to prison, a swim in the quicksand, and dumped in a lava pit. She lies to Gabrielle about killing some freaky mass murdering matricidal manic and Gabby gets a heart felt, gut wrenching emotional honest to Gods apology with musical accompaniment. Oh yeah...that's fair.
MM: *sniffle*
GC: stop that.
(((Xena: "Forgive me and you'll discover, too--That the love of your love is-- youuuuuuuuuuu.")))
MM: Gabrielle?
GC: No Xena.
MM: No, no...the love - of your love .... is you. So the love of...
Matt: (traipsing through the living room) I thought she was talking to Solon.
GC & MM: (blank stare)
GC: (mouthing the words) How long has he b-
Matt: (yelling from the kitchen) not long.
(((everyone is forgiven)))
Well, all except for Mallboy. But as soon as he regains consciousness we are hopefully optimistic that, in time, he will be forgiven too.
(((Xena and Gabby are on the beach, we'd say frolicking but, well you know....censors)))
MM: Goddess.
GC: I think not.
GC & MM: [softly singing to themselves]: Illusia is music, A world built on rhyme. It's carved out of space In the absence of time.
Damn that Aleph and her little dog too...
Get your own Free Home Page