MM: This one is called The Dirty Half Dozen. (puts tape in VCR)
GC: Half dozen what?
MM: I don't know.
GC: Look bard, if you are going to tell a story you should learn to pay attention to the details. I will not tolerate such sloppy work.
MM: But I didn't write it Goddess, some guy named Sears did.
GC: Sears?
At this point the Goddess lapsed into some sort of Tim Allan more power Sears Tool haze. It took Gene and two psychoanalysts 45 minutes to talk the Goddess down. It took Trancer and 2 firefighters 45 minutes to remove various and assorted hardware items from...well let's just say from the bard and leave it at that. And it took Matt, 2 Sears managers and a stock boy named Harvey 44 minutes to repair the structural damage to the mall. When all was said and done, the group turned to Melissa shouting: "We told you never to say the "s" word!" And while normally it was the Goddess's position to keep the bard in line, the group presented her with a quill and parchment. Get writing!
I will not provoke the Goddess into a tool haze.
I will not provoke the Goddess into a tool haze.
I will not visit the Oedipal complex more than twice a week, the Fire station more than 3 times a day, or the Gap...ever.
What can we say, they figured since they had the bard's attention they might as well make the most of it.
MM: (presses Play on the VCR)
(((The Athenian Army is defeated)))
GC: Wimps.
(((Ares shares that he stole the metal from Haephestus)))
GC: (looking at Melissa out of the corner of her eye> (slight smile) Another Ares episode, eh bard?
MM: ::blush::
GC: uh-huh, I thought so. Boy these Gods sure have a hard time holding onto their possessions, first Hades loses his sword and now Haephestus and this metal.
(((Xena lights a fire to create a distraction)))
GC: What is it with her and fire?
MM: I don....
GC: Hello. Rhetorical. Pay attention bard. Now you see this, how she is freeing these people, if I did that they would have said it was some kind of moral flaw, but Xena does it and it's oh how ingenious, isn't she clever. Pah-lease.
MM: Cool capes.
GC: (blank stare)
(((Xena rescues 3 prisoners from prison)))
GC: (recalling her days in prison: good times, good times) Bard, where is my chair?
MM: at the temple Goddess. Do you want me to bring it to you?
GC: Did I say for you to bring it?
MM: No.
GC: Well then?
(((Xena tells the group her plan to fight Ares)))
MM: If it takes 6 people to defeat the God of war and it only took 3 to defeat Valasca...
GC: (SMACK> does this look like math class?
(((recall that Glaphyra joined Xena because she wanted to see the world.)))
MM: Just like Gabrielle.
GC: Yet another irritating tag-along. Reminds me of when you joined me. Remember, you were so bright eyed and idealistic. No matter what I did I couldn't get you to leave me alone. You just insisted on being my bard.
MM: (blank stare) That's not how it happened Goddess, you...
GC: Shut-up pissant.
(((Arrows and Spears deflect of the armor of Agathon's men)))
GC: Aim for their faces you morons!
(((Xena's sword is snapped in half)))
GC: YES!
(((fight continues)))
GC: They can't be very tough, the bard is kicking their butts for Zeus-sake!
MM: (hits fast forward button)
GC: Excuse me? What do you think you're doing?
MM: just skipping the boring part Goddess.
GC: I'll determine what is or what is not boring. Go back.
MM: (rewind)
(((Agathon tells Ares: "I'm not like Callisto. I can pace my self, War God.")))
MM: (holding her breath)
GC: (chews her bottom lip) I can pace myself. Can't I Bard?
MM: ::blush::
(((Chakram-like axe whips through the air)))
GC: (eyes light up) I know what I want for Solstice, bard.
MM: (Yeah right.)
GC: (SMACK)
MM: (note to self: get Goddess axe-like, boomerang killing thing for Solstice. P.S. Alert Trancer.)
(((Agathon clams he is going to kill Xena)))
GC: Yeah right. Someone needs to teach this guy a lesson.
MM: I think someone will.
GC: who?
MM: (blank stare)
GC: oh.
(((Gabby: Were they murderers before you met them? Xena: Before I met them... Gabby: They were just like me.)))
MM: (Look at the Goddess out of the corner of my eye)
GC: Don't even think it bard.
(((rousing game of 20 questions)))
MM: Goddess?
GC: No.
MM: But...
GC: I said no.
(((Gabby falls asleep)))
GC: Where's her hay?
MM: (blank stare)
(((morning, a rooster crows)))
GC: SWEET MOTHER OF ZEUS! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE KILL THE ROOSTER ALREADY?!
It took Alwheaties and 2 veterinarians 45 minutes to convince the barnyard animals to come out of hiding.
(((Thief says to Gabby: "I know why I am here, I know why they're here, but what are you here? For emergency food?)))
GC: (looks at Melissa out of the corner of her eye)
MM: Don't even think it Goddess.
(((Hand licking scene)))
GC: Close your eyes Bard! You're not old enough to see this. (whips her hand out to cover Melissa's eyes, uses a bit too much force and sends her tumbling backward.)
MM: (from the ground) ouch.
GC: Stop whining ya big baby.
(((Thief throws axe at Gabby)))
MM: (It's always the bards who suffer.)
GC: Is not, anyway Xena saved her.
MM: Would you save m....
GC: no.
MM: yeah you would.
GC: Would not. (I would)
MM: (she would)
GC: Stop that.
(((Xena is trapped in the tunnel to the castle)))
MM: Why didn't they just kill her while she was trapped? Now you just know she's gonna get away...
GC: Maybe they wanted to kill her soul first, ever think about that? Hmmmm?
MM: Well no.
GC: There you go then. That's why I'm the Goddess and you're the bard. You lack creativity.
(((Gabby forearms Glaphyra into the bars in anger, "Maybe he was murdered!" (he being Perdicus))))
MM: Woo-hoo! Go Gabby!
GC: (Blank stare)
MM: (dear goddess, did I say that out loud?)
GC: You most certainly did. Anyway it appears that I was a positive influence on the bard.
MM: Huh? oh, oh yeah, that.
GC: That? Like it was no big deal? How many people have you killed bard?
MM: Uhm, well there was this one guy....
GC: Nintendo doesn't count.
MM: oh, well I guess none then.
(((Xena breaths fire)))
GC: What the Tartarus! Rewind that.
MM: She did it with intoxicants Goddess.
GC: And just how would you know that?
MM: Uhm....uh.....I uh...Look Goddess they are killing people.
GC: Don't change the sub...hey! Look bard, they are killing people!
(((Xena catches an arrow)))
GC: show off.
(((Xena prepares to blow up the castle)))
GC: But what about all the innocent people inside? Like the cooks and servants?
GC: (blank stare> Sometimes you make no sense at all.
(((Xena kills Agathon)))
MM: That's not a smile I see on your face is it Goddess?
GC: Shut up.
(((The Castle blows up)))
GC: YES!
(((Xena, Gabby, and friends are still alive)))
GC: oh. (((Xena says to Gabby: "the question is who would I be without you?")))
MM: (just another big dumb warrior)
GC: (just another big dumb warrior) Stop that.
Get your own Free Home Page