Episode Review

GC: What's this one called Melissa?

MM: When in Rome.

GC: Why would it be any different in Rome?

MM: (blank stare)

GC: What - is - it - called?

MM: When - in - Rome.

GC: (closes her eyes) No, (struggling to remain calm) when in New Cirra.

MM: (blank stare)

GC: (cold stare) Well?

MM: ok fine have it your way - it's called When in New Cirra.

GC: (softly) Elysian Fields calm and green (deep breath) song bird singing so serene....

MM: poetry?

GC: THAT'S IT!

Well someone woke up on the wrong side of the hay today.

GC: (glare)

er...we mean - damn bard.

MM: (from inside a Dr Pepper can) Hey!

Geek: (elbows the bard in the ribs) stay on your own side of the can.

GC: are you going to behave yourself?

MM: yes.

Geek: : *cough*

GC: ok (waves her hand and the bard exits the DP can...well mostly...it's still stuck on her foot)

MM: (mutter) thanks.

Geek: : hey.

GC: (arching an eyebrow) Just put the tape in.

Geek: : What, you've never heard of foot powder before?

MM: may I?

GC: be my guest.

MM: (kicks the can along with its occupant off of her foot)

(((Gual is under attack)))

GC: (little goofy grin)

(((Vercinix kisses his wife goodbye)))

GC: how touching.

MM: *sniffle*

GC: stop that.

(((Vercinix is captured by the Roman army)))

GC: Great. Now I suppose the good Xena will be rescuing him.

(((Caesar arrives in full military regalia)))

GC: nice feather.

MM: *cough*

GC: (blank stare)

MM: allergies.

(((Xena saves Crassus from being beheaded by roping his ankles and dragging him out of the village behind Argo)))

GC: (gleam in her eye) Say Melissa...

MM: No.

GC: you can be replaced, you know.

MM: I should be so lucky.

GC: how's that?

MM: I'll get the rope.

(((Crassus is tied up and Gabrielle feeds him some sort of porridge.)))

GC: (scrunching up her face) what is it with bards and their disgusting eating habits?

MM: It's the warlord eating it, not the bard. (pause)(big goofy grin) Say Goddess...

GC: no.

MM: (rats)

(((Xena takes Crassus' Imperial ring)))

GC: figures she'd be a thief too.

(((Xena enters Caesar's Palace)))

MM: (?)

GC: not the place in Vegas.

MM: oh (nods head as everything becomes clear)

GC: (rolls her eyes) (mumble) as if irritating weren't bad enough.

(((Caesar surprised by Xena's appearance, is left tongue-tied)))

GC: (big grin)

MM: no not literally.

GC: (frown)

(((Xena shows Caesar Crassus' ring: "I'll send over the finger that this belongs on tomorrow and after that I'll become more creative.")))

GC: there's not going to be any heads on pikes in this episode, are there bard?

MM: no.

GC: (inward sigh of relief) rats.

(((Xena takes Caesar to Crassus and leaves Gabrielle at the Palace)))

GC: oh now there's a fair trade - - - - I say - Now there's a fair trade.

MM: (just ignore her melissa)

GC: an irritating bard for a world leader. ... ... Please. ... ... and I thought these Romans were great tacticians.

MM: I hear you Goddess.

GC: just checking. (g)

(((Caesar tells Crassus: "Divide and conquer, her friend is the key.")))

GC: Friends can be such a liability, that's why I don't have any.

MM: oh is THAT why?

GC: hey! *ping*

MM: because I'd actually say - THAT is why. (rubbing her forehead)

GC: would you like to return to the Dr Pepper can?

MM: not particularly, no.

GC: well then - might I suggest, you zip it.

MM: (little beads of sweat form on her brow)

time passes...ok it was 4.5 seconds to be exact.

Geek: : you just couldn't do it, could you?

MM: (befuddled grin) (---- in fairness this is Melissa's normal look and really gave Geek no clues as to the bard's ability to follow the Goddess' suggestion. However, we suspect the question itself was rhetorical in nature.

Geek: : (g) did some one say rhetoric?

MM: (oh the humanity!)

(((Xena: "A man? Crassus stopped being a man a long time ago. The village of Gardis was his crowning achievement. It surrendered to him without a fight. He then crucified over 100 men, women, and children.")))

GC: sounds like the pot calling the kettle Formica to me.

MM: (yelling from the can) The DoN never crucified children!

GC: (eg) she has now.

MM: Goddess.

GC: oh grow up bard, they don't call me evil for nothing you know.

MM: (to Geek) she never. She can't even look at a pike without fainting for Hades-sake.

GC: don't make me crush that can.

MM: she won....

Geek: : (covers the bard's mouth with her hand) do you remember that little chat we had?

MM: the one about Carmel and red-checkered table cloths?

Geek: : no, the one where I have connections, people that can make you disappear, if you know what I mean.

MM: you mean Matt's little tea club?

Geek: : Callisto-gumi.

MM: whatever.

Geek: : (in best Eric Cartman voice) Respect my authorit-ay!

MM: ouch. Gimme that. (swipes the tiny police baton from Geek)

Geek: : (huff) ( ----- in fairness Geek would have stomped away for emphasis but, you know, she was sorta stuck in a Dr Pepper can at the time.

(((Xena spits a grape seed out)))

GC: she calls that a spit? Bard - get me a grape.

MM: I'm kinda stuck at the moment Goddess. (finds herself freed from the can) (stretch) Thanks (heads to the kitchen returns with a bunch of grapes)

GC: (blank stare)

MM: (picks a grape off the vine - wouldn't want her to strain herself - and hands it to Callisto)

GC: (arching an eyebrow)

MM: (sigh) (begins pealing the grape)

GC: good girl.

(((Caesar throws his drink in Vercinix's face)))

GC: melissa.

MM: (looks up from her task of grape pealing) huh?

GC: (it's almost too easy) (throws glass of water in bard's face)

MM: (blink, water dripping down her face, returns to pealing)

(((Caesar to Xena: "Roman finery becomes you.")))

I'll say.

GC: Who said that?

Half of new Cirra stuffs their hands in their pockets and wanders away whistling.

The Dr Pepper can tips over. (---- In fairness there is not much room to wander in a DP can.

(((Xena: "We're not going down that road, this is business." Caesar: "It's never just business between us Xena. It's hatred, war, conflict, and it's love.")))

GC: why must they constantly steal my lines?

MM: (blank stare)

GC: That wasn't out loud, was it?

(((Xena: "I gotta go to the bathroom. Are we done yet?")))

GC: Talk about a mood killer.

MM: Isn't she suppose to do that first?

GC: (blank stare)

MM: *cough*

GC: (blank stare)

MM: *whisper whisper*

GC: (blank stare)

MM: never mind.

(((Crassus escapes but Xena kicks him down the stairs, puts the pinch on him, and ties him back up)))

GC: (childlike grin)

MM: no. Please Goddess - I still haven't recovered from the last time you tried th --

*thwap thwap*

Trancer: a few centimeters to the left and you'd of killed her.

GC: (frown) Like you could do any better.

MM: don't even think about it Tran--

*thwap thwap*

MM: *twitch*

GC: see told you.

Trancer: what are you talking about? At least she's still conscious.

GC: you call that conscious? Her eyes are all rolled back in her head for Zeus-sake! The whole point of the pinch is to extract information from your victim, how can you possibly get anything coherent out of her now?

Trancer: Could you get anything coherent out of her before?

GC: No

Trancer: well, then?

GC: Ok fine, you win. But you'd better not breath a word of this to anyone.

Geek: : (inward smile) (apparently there are advantages to being stuck in a soda can- I'll bet Sherry would pay big bucks for this kind of story in the Heckler)

Flick the Geek

Geek: : Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh! *thud* (from within a crumpled and charred DP can) or not.

(((Gabrielle wanders into village faking drunken disorderly conduct)))

GC: (pops the bard in the back of the head) no intoxicants.

MM: but she's not really --

GC: (aching an eyebrow)

MM: (mutter) stupid bard.

(((Xena attempts to sneak up behind Caesar with a dagger, but Caesar knows she's there)))

MM: seems like Caesar is Xena's most challenging enemy, eh Ga...(paling) DoH! I mean the Destroyer of Nations! ... ... (eyes widening) I mean you are! You are her most challenging enemy... (cringe)

GC: (sometimes she's just so darn cute when she cowers like that it makes me want to cut her some slack) *sigh* ok bard, I'll let you off the hook this time. But don't get use to it.

MM: (peak out one eye)

*punch*

GC: sorry - reflex.

(((Caesar: "you have one obsession Xena, that's me.)))

GC: Please - you call *that* an obsession? I'll show you obsession.

MM: (chanting softly to herself) please not a re-reenactment, please not a re-

*phst*

The bard falls unconscious as she is struck in the neck with a poison dart.

45 minutes later....

GC: ....and that dear friends is how obsession is done.

small gathering of random and assorted Cirran's nod in terrorized appreciation.

GC: Stop struggling pissant, it'll give you peace if you let it.

Jesse: (strapped into Callisto's favorite chair) (nods) Yes Goddess. (stupid bard - wake up)

MM: (not a chance.)

Sandi-J: why don't we just dump her into the sandbox?

Ephany: what ever for?

Sandi-J: two words - sand sharks.

Ephany: don't just sit there woman, grab her feet!

Jesse: (blank stare)

Ephany: oh.

MM: I'm UP! Let go of me you big babies.

Eph and Sandi drop the bard.

MM: *thud* (mutter)

Eph, Sandy, and Jesse scurry out of the room.

MM: leave the chair.

Jesse: (returns the chair)(whistle)(runs away)

MM: (turns to the Goddess)

GC: (little goofy grin) hiya bard.

MM: stop that.

(((Xena is taken to the Coliseum, where she takes a beating from a couple of Romans)))

GC: (giggle)

(((Gabrielle signals Xena and Xena beats up the soldiers and escapes with Vercinix)))

GC: fast forward this boring part.

(((Gabrielle doesn't return Crassus' imperial ring and he is beheaded)))

GC: (mouth agape) she just played judge, jury, and executioner.

MM: I'm sure she had good reason.

GC: Why can't you ever do cool stuff like that?

MM: (blank stare)

(((Gabby: "I played judge, jury, and executioner.")))

MM: (giggle)

GC: shut up.

MM: You just said what Gabrie-- *ping*

(((Xena: How many more times are you going to follow me into battle, huh? How many more times am I going to hurt you? You are the most dear thing to me in all the world. And yet instead of protecting you..." Gabrielle: "I'm here because I want to be here. I love you Xena." Xena: "I love you too Gabrielle."

MM: (Caught up in the emotion, blurts out) I Love you Goddess.

GC: (beam) Get off of me bard.

MM: (pushing away) (frown) Don't you have something to say to me Goddess?

GC: yeah yeah yeah yeah. *heavy sigh* uhm....Aren't you done pealing those grapes yet?