GC: (materializing) So are you going to put the tape in the VCR or what?
MM: Hello to you too Goddess.
GC: (blank stare)
MM: (puts in the tape) This one is called, Warrior...Priestess...
GC: It's Princess. And you know better than to call Xena that.
MM: No, it is *Priestess* and I wasn't talking ab...
GC: (sharp look) I think I would know Melissa.
MM: ok fine, it's called Warrior...Princess...Tramp.
GC: (eyes narrow) What did you just call me? (leans in toward the bard, pressing her nose just centimeters from Melissa's)
MM: (eyes fill with tears)(pigment drains from face)(lip quivering) (stammering) I didn't mean you Goddess. Its the name of the episode.
GC: (leaning back) Gimme that! (snatches the box out of Melissa's hand) (reading) oh. ... Well don't just stand there shaking, push play. Geez. (muttering) Just trying to find a good remote control these days.
(((Xena (actually the Priestess) throws down her weapons: "I come in Peace.")))
GC: Right. And I'm Cupid, spreading love where ever I go.
(((Warlord: "Right. And I'm Cupid, spreading love where ever I go.")))
MM: What - is there some kind of handbook of warlord comeback phrases or something?
((( "Xena" starts to strip off her armor)))
GC: (arching an eyebrow) This had not be the kind of film I think it is Melissa.
MM: It's not.
GC: oh. ... I mean, good.
((( "Xena" is tied up and to be burnt at the stake)))
GC: Burn her!
(((Gabby: "Son of a Bachae!")))
GC: (Smacks Melissa in the back of the head) Watch your mouth bard.
MM: (rubbing the back of my head) (frown) but Goddess, I didn't...I mean...I was...(muttering)...Sorry.
(((Gabby rescues "Xena" from being burned)))
GC: Leave it to a bard to ruin a perfectly good story.
MM: Well, if you were being burned at the stake, I'd rescue you.
GC: (lol) You?
MM: (absently) sure. Why not? Want me to show you how?
GC: (shrug)
MM: ok just a sec. I'll get the rope. (suppressing inward smile)
Time passes.....
MM: (finding herself tied to a stake with flames shooting up all around her) This is not at all what I had in mind.
GC: funny, it's exactly what I had in mind.
(((Gabby guesses Xena is not Xena. "Callisto?")))
GC: (lol) she's so dense sometimes. I don't look a thing like Xena. Do I bard? Hello! Bard. I'm talking to you.
MM: (blowing on the flames) Kinda busy over here Goddess. (puff) (puff)
GC: oh right. (rolling her eyes) need a hand?
MM: That'd be really nice.
GC: (puff) (puff)
MM: (blank stare) ha ha very funny. ... ... NOW GET ME OUT OF HERE! Uhm...please.
GC: ok fine, ya big baby. (snaps her fingers and the bard is free)
(((Turns out the Xena look alike is a Hestian Virgin Priestess)))
MM: (Bursts into a fit of uncontrolled laughter)
GC: (blank stare) What? What's so funny?
MM: (still laughing) It's just....(lol)...that she thought you were that woman...(lol)...and it turns out...(lol)...that she's a Hestian Virgin! (more hysterical laughter)
GC: (blank stare)
MM: Oh my...get it...she thought *you* were the Hestian Virg...
In retrospect, laughing at the Goddess was not one of the wisest decisions the bard ever made. It would take Trancer and two firemen 45 minutes to make sure it wasn't her last.
(((The Priestess asks "What about you Gabrielle? Surely you place more faith in the all knowing ever powerful Gods than you do in yourself?)))
GC: (looks at Melissa)
MM: You know I do Goddess.
GC: Good girl.
(((Priestess: "Next thing you'll be telling me you're not virgins."))) GC &
MM: ::blush::
GC: (punches Melissa in the arm) stop that.
(((Gabrielle is stopped from entering the Hestian Temple: "Virgins only." G: "What, is it written across my forehead?)))
GC: (smiles, peaking at Melissa out of the corner of her eye)
MM: Don't even think about it Goddess.
(((Meg is posing as the Priestess)))
GC: SWEET MOTHER OF HESTIA! There's three of them?!
(((Meg is telling a joke: "A Centaur and a Cyclops go into a bar and the bartender says to the cyclops...)))
GC: cover your ears bard.
(((To make Leia look like Meg, Gabby starts tearing the Priestess' clothes off)))
GC: What the?! (scrunching up her face) (using telepathy because the bard has her hands over her ears: I thought you said it wasn't this kind of film?)
MM: (removing my hands from my ears) It's not.
GC: oh. .... I mean, it better not be.
(((Leia: "Rule one, know thy self." G: "Believe me if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship knowing myself won't be a problem.")))
MM: ... ... ...
GC: ... ... ...
MM: ::Blush::
GC: That's it. You just lost your television viewing privileges young lady.
MM: (great. That's another trip to the Oedipal Complex.)
GC: What was that?
(((Meg picks at her toes)))
GC: That's just gross.
Somewhere on the other side of Cirra Matt passes out flat.
GC: What kind of episode is this. Three Xenas, a Hestian Virgin, a toe pick'in tramp, and an irritating blonde brat. (ugh!) Well at least Joxer's not around.
MM: (whimper)
(((Joxer shows up. Everyone breaks into yet another version of the Joxer song)))
At this point we are afraid things got kinda ugly for the bard. It would take Trancer and two firemen exactly 45 minutes to revive her. Luckily she brought the soundtrack pants because it would take another 45 minutes of bad 80's techno pop to get the new Joxer song out of the bard's head. Of course, this created an entirely new problem. And it would take the two firemen 35 minutes to revive Trancer. If there is one thing Goddess didn't like...(lol) as if there is only one thing Goddess doesn't like...it is techno pop.
TR: What the Tartarus is that on your forehead Melissa?
MM: (quickly placing my hand on my forehead) nothing.
TR: Looks like someone scrolled something across it to me. (tries to pry her twin's hand away) come on move your hand.
MM: don't you have some where else to be?
TR: Swear I saw the letter V.
MM: shut up.
TR: perhaps an I and an R?
MM: I said - shut up.
GC: (inward smile)
MM: you too.
(((Joxer: "I just defiled a virgin Priestess. I'm going straight to Tartarus now.")))
MM: What?! He's going to be there? I can't possibly spend eternity with that imbecile! You never said anything about Joxer being in Tartarus when I joined up.
GC: Guess you should have read the fine print.
MM: (oh you will pay Goddess, you will pay)
GC: I heard that.
MM: good.
(((A Hestian Virgin gives her declaration: "It all started in the garden. I was happily tilling the soil when my eyes fell upon something magnificent - The summer Squash.")))
GC: That's it, no more salad for you bard.
(((Leia is walking around the brothel where she hears, among other things, whips cracking and sheep. "Please let it be a petting zoo.")))
GC: (frown) Don't you run a zoo?
MM: yes but...
(THWACK)
MM: (from a crumpled heap on the other side of the room) it's not a petting zoo.
GC: oh. ... ... .... What?!
In retrospect, it was not the time for the bard to make her little joke. Let's just say Trancer would be clocking in the Over Time hours today.
(((Gabby is able to tell which look alike is Xena and which are Meg and Leia.)))
GC: Could you tell the difference between me and a look alike?
MM: You know I can. I mean how many times has Hudson tried to pass herself off as you? And have I ever been fooled?
GC: (arching an eyebrow)
MM: oh.
(((Joxer plays degrees of separation Greek Mythology style)))
MM: Hey it's the Kevin Bacon game! Can we play Goddess? Please.
GC: no.
MM: (pout)
GC: (sigh) oh alright. Pick your people.
MM: ok, uhm Hades and Martha Stewart.
GC: That's too easy, pick again.
MM: Hestia and Chief Jeff.
GC: Still too easy.
MM: uhm Ares...
(SMACK)
MM: I mean Helen of Troy and Geek.
GC: Hmmm. Good one.
MM: ok then, time's running out, come on hurry up.
GC: Give me a second. OK! I got it. Helen of Troy - Xena - Me - Geek. Ok my turn, Xena and you.
MM: are you serious?
GC: but you can't use me as your connector, that would be cheating, I'm a Goddess for Zeus sake.
MM: but you... (ugh!) ... ok The Destroyer of nations - Solon, no wait! Gabrielle - Hope - (time passes) ...Acean - and me. There! I did it! (does little happy dance)
GC: (blank stare) Did I mention that you only get two degrees of separation, not 150!
MM: oh.
(((Xena saves the day)))
GC: now that's a shocker. Turn it off bard.
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