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Afterthoughts: Realizing Reality
By: Taygeta
Dawson angrily walked away, but he couldn't help but turn around to look at her. His mind told him to fight it - her thoughts and confusion - fight it all. And he would have fought anything and everything; if it weren't for the pain that came with every beat of his life-sustaining heart, if it weren't for the fact that his heart just wanted to give up. So, he left, and by the time Jen turned to see him, he was gone. She knew what they had had disappeared with him, and the only thing that remained was a skeleton of friendship that couldn't be anything but hollow. He entered his room and peered out the window, seeing the pale orb that glowed in the starry night sky. The wind whispered through the trees and all seemed serene, but it only seemed so. Dawson was far from having inner peace, and more in a state of dissonance. Within, he was a chaotic mess, trying too hard to comprehend, trying too hard to seek an answer a question to a complex situation that could never be answered because such answer did not even exist.
Jen was the girl he had always wanted, with excitement and adventure, but now, he wasn't even sure he wanted excitement or adventure... having it hurt too much. Although he hadn't really meant all of what he had said to her, not too long ago, he had to admit there was an underlying truth to it all. He thought back on his conversation with Pacey earlier that day and scoffed softly. Pacey was so wrong because, of course, he knew the difference between love and friendship. Love was, or had, been Jen, and friendship was Joey, and would always be Joey.
Then, Joey entered his mind and although he didn't understand their relationship in the state it was in now, he knew that she was the only person he could trust, the only person that truly understood him. Why couldn't he find a girl like Joey - caring, understanding, honest, but just not...Joey? He shook his head softly and felt a little strange. His ideal was not she, and couldn't possibly be her, but still the thought lingered and faded, but never to the extent of disappearance.
Dawson's glass world of dreams, of innocence, and of fantasies that couldn't possibly be, shattered to pieces in his hands that night. Everything that had been simple before was complicated now, and everything that had been complicated before had never been.
A soft song lingered from below and he heard the laughing and almost happy voices of his parents. He was glad that somewhere in his world, something was getting back to normal. Although it wasn't the normality he had known before, he was happy for that. He was beginning to learn and find that such a state was not capable because his world did not exist and had not exist anywhere but within his blind self.
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