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Afterthoughts: Mirror In My Mind
By: Taygeta
I look in the mirror…see myself, and shrug. I'm not pretty, in the least bit, and even if I was Miss American Beauty, would I want people to see me because of that? No. Would I want people to like me because of that? Not even for all the scholarships they would give me…not even if it might fulfill dreams of gold…not even if it will fulfill…love.
I always thought I wanted Dawson to see me that way…and now that he has, he's gone on and perhaps fallen for me somehow. Not in my greatest dreams and deepest aspirations did I ever think that something like that was actually going to happen, and now that it did…I walked away…I had to. It wasn't as if I had a choice with his mannerisms and his Byronic verbiage. They were the things that made me step away. I wanted him to see me in a deeper light, but not see me as a totally different person. Despite that I altered my appearance, I didn't change anything about the Joey he has known and ignored for all these years, and I don't want to change anything about that Joey for him, for anyone…only for myself.
In my mind, I planned how I wanted it to be when he told me he cared…what I would say and what I would do, but my mind's plans were wrong. It didn't happen the way I wanted it to…and now that I think of it…it didn't happen the way he wanted it too either. The only thing that had gone according to plan was that he told me I was beautiful, but even that compliment went awry when I knew all he really saw was the hair, the dress, and the make-up. He's my best friend, but I can't see why he couldn't see through the façade I held today at the pageant…then again he never saw through the one I've held all my life, why should I have expected him to open his eyes, today?
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