“Willow? Honey? Are you all right?” my mother calls upstairs, concern evident in her voice.
“Yeah, Mom, I’m okay,” I call back, my voice thick and unsteady. “Just dealing with some issues.”
“All right, honey, if you’re sure. Your father and I are leaving to go out to dinner in a few minutes. If you’d like to come with us, you’re more than welcome to,” she adds hopefully.
I know she just wants to help me. She doesn’t want me to hurt any more than I already have over him, but I can’t go with them. My rage and pain are too all-consuming right now. “No, Mom, but thanks for the offer,” I decline. “I need to be by myself for a little while.”
“Okay, dear. We’ll be home late, so don’t stay up.”
“I won’t,” I respond, and then I hear the slam of the door, and I know I’m alone. I throw myself down onto my bed and give in to more tears. My agonized wails are buried in my pillow, and I cry until I’m nearly hysterical. I have to calm myself down before I throw up. My ragged gasps for breath and control echo harshly in the silent house. “Xander, why did you do this?” I ask in a heart-broken whisper. It takes every ounce of control I possess not to break down again. Just looking around my room, where his presence is nearly tangible, makes me want to give in to my desire to cry until my body splits in two. As I’m about to do just that, I hear the doorbell ring. Exhaling angrily, I push the medium-length strands of red hair from my eyes and make an attempt to regulate my breathing. There’s nothing I can do about the mottled, blotchy red skin and puffy eyes that are vivid evidence of my heartbreak. Slowly I descend the stairs as the bell rings again, twice in a row. I open the door and painfully suck in my breath. “Xander, what are you doing here?”
“Will, I need to talk to you,” he says quietly, trying hard not to look at the tear-tracks down my face. “I need to know how you are.”
“How does it look like I am?” I scream brokenly, backing up into the living room. Suddenly the tears are streaming down my cheeks again. “You slept with that whore, Faith! Did you expect me to slap you on the back and go, ‘Way to go Xander, way to score with the slut!’? You’ve betrayed me far worse than I ever did you.”
“Willow, please, I’m so sorry,” he cries. He drops down on to the couch and cradles his head in his hands. When he looks back up tears are flooding over his face. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“What did you expect?” I ask again. “How could you think that I wouldn’t be hurt? You know how much I love you, and you did it anyway.”
“Do I really?” he bites out, shooting to his feet. He starts to pace like a caged tiger. “I thought what we had was special, and you threw it away. To go back to him. Do I really know that you love me?”
I leap to my feet as well and throw him my most incredulous look. “How is this *my* fault?” I question angrily. “You would have gone back to Cordy in an instant if she would have had you. I was lucky that Oz forgave me for cheating on him. Just because you couldn’t win Cordy back doesn’t mean that I should have abandoned Oz. I don’t owe you anything.”
“Oh yeah?” he queries bitterly. “How about eighteen years of friendship? How about ten years of loving me? How about the chance to give ourselves what we really wanted, what would have made us happy? Willow, I know I woke up a little late. There’s nothing I can do about that. But you know as well as I do that we belong together. We have something that not many people ever have the chance to find, and that’s the knowledge that we’ve found our soul mate. Willow, I love you. I know you love me. Why can’t we let ourselves do what’s right? We’ll be together the rest of our lives. I don’t have a doubt about that. Willow, please, give me a chance to make you happy!” he pleads desperately. I look into his beautiful brown eyes and my heart breaks again. I read the agony there as plainly as I know my own heart. And it’s telling me that no matter what he’s ever done to me, I’ve always loved him and I always will.
“Xander, get out of my house,” I command coldly. “I don’t want to listen to you anymore.”
“Willow. . .” he begins, only to trail off. “I made a mistake in sleeping with Faith. I won’t deny that. But please, think about it. Give me another chance. We can put the past behind us and move on. I’ll love you for the rest of my life. I would give anything to go back in time and kiss that ice cream off your nose. I know it’s my fault that things have worked out like they have. If I would have given in to my feelings that night, instead of denying the change in how I felt about you, then we never would have gotten into this mess. Let me make up for what I did in the past. Let me prove to you just how much we need each other.”
His impassioned speech causes a new batch of tears to course down my face. “Xander, I’ll think about it,” I promise. “But now, just go. Leave me alone. Give me time to heal before you break my heart again.”
He goes to the door and opens it, turning around as he does so. “Willow, I love you. Please believe me,” he begs as he slips outside. With raging sobs threatening to burst from me, I shut the door. Then I sink to the floor, hugging my knees to me, and let the storm of my emotions take me over.