He licked his lips and all I could think was 'I wanna do that!' And then I realized I was about to get my chance.

He leaned in towards me, his lips tugging up into a smile. But his eyes were serious, not joking. Full of love. All kinds of love, and all for me.

Then his lips met mine and I couldn't think any more. Xander was kissing me, and all was right with the world.

I guess I should start a little earlier than that, huh?

It had started about a week before. Or maybe three or four years before, but we'll say a week so I don't feel like too much of an idiot. I'd been moping, of course. I'd been doing that a lot since Riley broke up with me.

It wasn't so much losing Riley. I care about him, and I enjoyed being with him, but it was nothing compared to losing Angel. Actually, that was part of the problem. Riley leaving brought back all my feelings from when Angel left, and I felt guilty for thinking about Angel when I should have only been thinking about Riley. I liked Riley, dammit. Maybe I even loved him, I don't know. But I understood why he had to leave. I cried though. Some for him, for us, but mostly for me. First Angel left, then Riley, and it hurt so much.

It took me so long to get over Angel. Not that I'm totally over him even now, of course. There's a part of me that will always be in love with him. And for so long he's all I thought about, missing him was all I did. But it hurt too much. Not just him being gone. It hurt when he was here too. Every day we were together hurt the both of us. Every day we were apart hurt in a different way. Love's not supposed to hurt like that, it really isn't. I couldn't hurt like that anymore.

Finally I had to let go of my feelings for Angel and get on with my life. I was already seeing Riley at that point, which was unfair to him but there you go. After that though I threw myself into being with him. At last I had a normal guy, a guy I could be with without hurting either of us. But then he left. Not because there was anything wrong with me, I believed him when he said that. But he had to leave. And I started thinking that maybe I'll never get it right. Maybe I'll never really be in love with someone.

It's hard enough for normal people, after all. Finding the right person, making it work, keeping it going. But I'm the Slayer. On top of everything else I'm out there fighting the good fight every single night. And let's not even get into the fact that I'm going to die young some dark night, when I'm just a bit too slow.

All I've ever wanted is someone I can love who will love me back, without it hurting either one of us. Now maybe I'm selfish, but I don't think that's too much to ask. But after Riley left it sure seemed like it was. Riley and Angel were both in on the secret. They were both out there fighting with me, so the biggest problem wasn't a problem with them.

But it still didn't work out with either one of them. And that's okay, I guess, but it sure didn't make me all that hopeful about being happy with anyone else. So I was moping, and crying, and generally depressing the hell out of everyone around me. Will, Xander, Mom, Giles, Tara, they were all hit pretty hard by my attitude. Oh, they were trying to help, and they were doing a great job. They were so supportive, doing everything they could think of, and I found myself hoping over and over that they knew just how much I loved them for it. But nothing they could do made any difference, no matter how much I wanted it to, and I knew that depressed them. I knew it hurt them.

Especially Xander, I think. He's always taken it hard when someone he cares about gets hurt. And he'd barely had time to get over Anya leaving before Mopey-Buffy descended on him and the rest of the gang like a ton of bricks. My feelings about Riley leaving must have brought his own pain back, but he never let it show.

I never truly understood what he saw in Anya, but she helped us more than once and she was good for him so I'm glad they parted as friends. She wanted to see the world, he didn't want to leave Sunnydale, that's all there was to it. He told us he was okay with it, but he's Xander. He always hides his pain. This time I think he was hiding it where even Willow couldn't find it.

So, I was feeling bad for myself, and hoping like hell that I wasn't hurting Xander, when it hit me. I'd love to say there were bells and whistles and a light shining down from above, or that the earth moved and the cherubs descended to whisper into my ear or a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head, or something else suitably impressive and romantic. But that didn't happen. It was more like suddenly I just knew. Suddenly it was the most natural thing in the world. The thought popped into my head like it had been there forever.

*Xander. I need to be with Xander.*

You understand I didn't mean "be with" in a "get together, have a few laughs in a just friends way." I meant I needed to be with Xander in all the ways that phrase can be taken. I wanted to hold him and be held, I wanted to love him and be loved, and I wanted to kiss him and be kissed.

Right then I was sort of focused on the kissing part, if you must know. Some of the things Will says about him.... But then I realized what I'd just thought. I wanted Xander to love me. Because I loved him.

It floored me. I mean, I've known for a long time that I love Xander. Of course I love him. He's a great guy and a great friend and I've always loved him the same way I love Willow or Giles. And that's the way I loved him now, but there was more in there too. Friend-love and smoochie-love and happily-ever-after-love all mixed together into a big heap. A big, wonderful Xander-shaped heap.

But me and Xander? Xander and me? Together? That just wasn't the way it worked. But if it was wrong, why did it all of a sudden feel so right?

I sat there and thought about it for a long, long time. I thought about everything Xander has ever done for me. Every time he's saved my life, every time he's backed me up in a fight, every time he's come on patrol with me, every time he's risked his life to help me just so I don't have to do it alone. And I thought about every time he's let me bounce my romantic woes off of him, every time he's given me a shoulder to cry on, every time he's made me laugh even though I didn't want to, every time he's let me know that I'll never be alone.

I sat there and thought about everything Xander has ever done for me, and let me tell you it took a hell of a long time to go through the list. And when I was done I realized that I hadn't thought about Riley or Angel or being alone the whole time. Because I hadn't been alone, I'd been with Xander, even though he was nowhere in sight. He was always with me, he had been for years and I'd never noticed. Or I'd noticed and taken it for granted, really. I didn't want to take Xander for granted anymore. I wanted him to know how much I cared about him, and I was hoping and praying that he cared about me the same way.

So no bells, no heavenly hosts, no shining light. Just the knowledge that I wanted to be with Xander. That I needed to be with Xander. That me and Xander were meant to be together.