I didn't say a word to anyone about my epiphany. I was too scared it would all come out wrong, that I'd end up hurting Xander again. Or Willow, that was another big complication. She was happy with Tara. She loved Tara, I knew that for a fact. And she and Xander have been just best friends ever since the Fluke aftermath. Everything she'd told me and everything I'd seen in her actions and in her eyes said she didn't feel that way about Xander anymore. But how could I take the chance? I didn't want to hurt my best friends. So I didn't say anything.

But it was obvious I wasn't moping anymore. When I showed up to meet Will and Tara at the Bronze that afternoon I was smiling. I hadn't smiled, really smiled, since Riley left. Will rushed over when she caught sight of me. Her grin was as wide as mine.

"Buffy, are you okay?" Shorthand for 'Is the depressed angsty period officially over?'

I just smiled even wider. "Yeah Will, I'm okay now." Meaning 'Why yes, yes it is, thanks for asking.'

She smiled back and pulled me into a tight hug and then dragged me over to the table where Tara was waiting. I wanted to hug Tara too but she's still shy about that sort of thing sometimes so I didn't.

As soon as we sat down I asked, "Where's Xander?" I think I kept my voice under control. Willow didn't seem to sense anything at least.

"Oh, he must still be at the daycare. He said Janet's been out sick all week, so he's been picking up some extra hours."

About a month ago Xander got a job at a daycare near the UCS campus. I have lunch with him there a couple times a week. He's amazing with the kids, they all love him to pieces. Probably because he thinks the same way they do. He's going to be a great father. Believe me, that fact did nothing to lessen his appeal.

I didn't really understand just how appealing Xander had become to me until he showed up a little while later. Will, Tara and I had been talking a bit, but mostly just hanging out. It had been awhile since I had been with them without feeling horrible. It was nice. I'm sure they felt the same way. I was going to say something when I noticed Xander walking in the door.

My words froze in my throat. Part of it was just fear. I had no idea what I was going to do about my new feelings. It wasn't just fear though. The boy looked good. He was wearing jeans and the shirt my mom got him for Christmas last year. I made a mental note to compliment Mom on her taste in men's clothes. And since Xander really didn't look any different than he always has, I made another note to kick myself for not noticing a long time ago. I still wouldn't have gone out with him back then, I don't think, but at least I could've enjoyed the view the past few years.

I managed to get myself under some semblance of control by the time he got to the table. He sort of bounded up and struck a manly pose.

"Xander is here! One line, ladies. No pushing, you'll all get your chance."

I laughed along with Willow and Tara and it was okay again. Xander looked at me when I laughed and his smile widened.

"You okay, Buff?" More shorthand.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay." I knew I had a Xander-hug coming, so I stood up and braced myself. I like hugging Xander, I've always liked it a lot. I was just afraid I'd like it too much.

But it was okay. Being in his arms under any other circumstances probably would have been too much for me right then, but it was because he was glad I was okay, because he cared. Because he was my friend. And no matter how I'd started to feel about him, he was still my friend. So the hug was okay. More than okay, it was wonderful.

As soon as we sat down again though the staring began. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I tried to be subtle, of course, and mostly I think I managed it. I was pretty quiet all night long, but no one seemed to notice. I laughed at the jokes and commiserated with Tara when Xander stole Willow for a dance or three. Then I commiserated with Willow when he dropped her off and stole Tara for a dance or three. I don't know if Will and Tara commiserated with each other when he stole me for a dance or three, but I know I sure wasn't feeling anything that included the word misery. I've always liked dancing with Xander, and with the old Slayer reflexes I can even stay out of the way of his flailing arms. That night it was even better, just like everything I did with Xander was starting to feel even better.

Except for the dancing I didn't do much, mostly just sat there while the others talked. I was listening though, and I smiled a lot, so they didn't worry. I think they all thought I just wasn't in the mood to talk. And I wasn't. I was in the mood to stare.

At Xander. I think it was when I caught myself checking out his ass on the dance floor that I started to wig. Not about his ass. His ass was fine. Better than fine, believe me. I wigged about the situation. Xander didn't know how I felt, and for the life of me I didn't know how to tell him. I was feeling horrible because I didn't know what to do. And at the same time I was feeling wonderful because I was with my friends. Especially because I was with Xander.

It occurred to me that that must've been how Willow felt all those years she was pining for Xander. And that made me feel horrible again because I was plotting to steal him away from her. Even though they weren't together and didn't want to be together I still felt like I was betraying the both of them. It was a long night.

Finally it came to an end. Or at least the Xander portion came to an end. He looked down at his watch and grimaced. "Damn, I gotta go. I promised Bob I'd take his shift from ten until closing." He got up and grabbed his jacket and I don't know, he stretched just right or something because I just stared at him for a few seconds, stared without stopping myself like I had all night. I felt like a love-sick teenager, but I couldn't help it. Hell, I *WAS* a love-sick teenager.

When I came back to reality all three of them were looking at me, and Willow was waving her hand in front of my face and grinning. "Earth to Buffy, come in Buffy." I blushed and looked down, then made myself look up at them. At Xander. Oh boy.

"Where were you, Buff?" He had that little smirk on his face. Usually it makes me want to ruffle his hair. And I still wanted to ruffle his hair, but then I wanted to do things that are illegal in most states. Which of course made me blush even more and made his smirk turn into a sly grin. "I know where you were." He thrust his finger at me accusingly. "You were thinking about getting you some Xanderlovin'! 'Fess up!!"

I swear my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe, let alone speak. And there was no blood to warm up my brain and get me going because it was all headed to my cheeks. As well as other parts that shall remain nameless. I just looked at him, absolutely mortified.

After a few seconds that lasted a lifetime, he shook his head and laughed. "It's not any fun when you're in no shape to fight back, Buff. Get to bed early tonight, I want you well-rested for the quip-fest I'm going to demand tomorrow." He turned to Willow and Tara and doffed an imaginary hat. "Ladies, I bid you adieu." Then he turned back to me. "And Buff, if you're going on patrol tonight stop by and pick me up, I'll tag along." And with a wink and a chuckle he was gone.

Leaving me in a horrible state, as you might imagine. *Omigod, does he know?! He can't know! He's like that all the time, right? Right?! Oh God, what if he knows?* My thoughts were interrupted by Willow waving her hand in front of my face again.

"Buffy? Are you okay? Maybe Xander's right, maybe you need to get some..." She broke off as I turned and her eyes caught mine. Her hand came up to cover her mouth as her eyes went wide in shock. "Oh my God, he *WAS* right!" Her hand left her face and her finger pointed at me in what I knew had to be outrage and hatred. "You're in the market for some Xanderlovin'!!"

I buried my face in my hands and felt tears fighting for release. *She hates me. Of course she hates me, I'm a horrible person. How can she ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive myself? I can't, I don't deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to be clawed to death by rabid monkeys and then... Waitaminnit, what's she saying?*

"This is so cool!!!" Willow's eyes were shining like someone had just given her a solid gold puppy and she was jumping up and down and waving her hands like she does when she totally loses control. "God, do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this?!"

My eyes were still full of tears, but I didn't notice them in my confusion. "What? You don't... You don't hate me?"

She looked at me, and I swear she was even more confused than me. "Hate you? Why would I hate you?" Her face fell as she saw my eyes. "Oh God, Buffy, no! This is a good thing, I don't hate you, I could never hate you. Especially not about this!"

I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. I started to say that, to say something at least, but no words came out. The tears did though, and all I could do was cry.

I lost track of myself for a few minutes there, but when I came back Willow was holding me in her arms, whispering to me as she rocked me back and forth.

"It's okay Buffy, it's okay. I swear it's okay, I don't hate you, I could never hate you. I love you, you know that. You know I love you, Buffy." That sort of thing. Everything I needed to hear from her right then. God, I love her.

When I looked up at her she smiled and squeezed me tight. As she wiped away my tears with a cocktail napkin, she said, "So you've finally fallen for Xander, huh?" All I could do was nod uncertainly, but that was enough for her. "Well, it's about damned time, ya ninny." Her smile got even wider.

She turned us both towards Tara, who had been hovering nearby through my breakdown. She smiled at me reassuringly but I could tell she was a bit lost. That was okay, so was I. We both turned to look at Willow when she spoke again.

"Okay, we have to talk this thing through. To the witch-cave!"