I hate what happened between those two. Mostly I feel bad for Xander. Don't get me wrong, I think he was an idiot for not realizing how perfect he and Willow are for each other a long time ago, but he paid way too high a price. Willow got Oz back, and I'm happy for her. They love each other, they're good together. But poor Xander got shafted. For one thing he lost Cordelia, which he seems to think is a big deal even if I don't. I think it's mostly guilt over how badly she got hurt, which I can understand. But much worse is the fact that he lost Willow. They're not even friends anymore, not really. They barely talk, and Willow won't spend any time with him because she's afraid it'll make Oz suspicious. It just breaks my heart. And I know it breaks his too, even if he does his best not to show it. And I wish I could do something to make it all better, but apparently Slayer powers are useless in affairs of the heart. Which I already knew, come to think of it.

But like I said, a pretty typical Friday. I ran into Giles after my last period English class, where I aced the test thank you very much, and we headed over to the library so I could kick his ass. Or train, as he prefers to call it. We were just about to the library when we saw Willow come barreling out the doors. She went the other direction and apparently didn't even see us, but I'd swear she was crying. I told Giles I'd be in in a minute and went after her.

I got to the corner and saw her in Oz's arms, and the tears seemed to be drying up so I figured I'd leave well enough alone and headed back to the library. I'm pretty sure they didn't even notice me, which was probably for the best. When I got to the library Giles asked me if Willow was okay, and all I could do was shrug and tell him she was with Oz. I made a mental note to call her later on that night, then got down to the business of beating the crap out of Giles. Sometimes I love my job.

After about an hour, we were both tired enough to quit. Giles is pretty tough, and our fights aren't nearly as one-sided as I make them sound. So when he called a halt to the festivities I was more than happy to oblige. We gathered our things and as we walked out I told Giles I'd head home, grab some dinner and a shower and then go on patrol. He offered me a ride, but I told him I'd rather walk to cool down.

I'm glad I did, because I barely made it a block before I realized I'd forgotten my chemistry notes. There was a test coming up and I wanted to get at least a little bit of studying in over the weekend. I was tempted to just leave it and cram Monday night, but it always makes Mom happy when I study over the weekend so I figured it was worth doubling back.

I've always thought the school was pretty spooky at night with no one around. I know, I know, I'm the Slayer, facer-down of all fears and bad things. And I didn't let it stop me, I'm just mentioning it because that's probably why I was really timid and quiet coming back into the library. I barely made a sound as I slowly walked over to the table I'd left my notebooks on. The lights were out, but enough of them stay on all the time that I could see fairly well. And of course I could hear just fine.

When I heard something in the upper stacks I whirled towards the sound, dropping into a fighting stance without even thinking about it. But then I stopped and listened more carefully. It sounded like someone was crying. I figured Willow must have come back after Giles and I left so I raced up the stairs to find her.

I walked around one of the shelves and came to a dead halt. It was Xander. He was leaning against one of the bookshelves, and he was crying. I've never seen Xander cry before. It surprised me so much that I just stood there for a few seconds.

He didn't even notice me at first, he had his eyes closed and he was crying so hard. Then I must have moved or made a sound or something because his eyes snapped open and he just froze. We stared at each other for a second or two, then he quickly jerked his head away and began scrubbing at his eyes with his sleeve.

I didn't know what to do. If it had been Willow, I would have rushed over and grabbed her in a big hug. But Xander never liked anyone to see him at a disadvantage and I knew he was embarassed that I'd caught him. But I couldn't just leave.

"Xander? Are you okay?" It seemed like a safe enough question under the circumstances.

He looked at me again. He looked right through me for a second, as if I wasn't there. Then his eyes focused and he said something. A greeting, I suppose, but I'm not sure. I was looking at his eyes, trying to understand what I saw in them. There was pain there, of course, but it was muted. He was beyond pain, I think. Or not beyond it, because I'm sure he was hurting terribly. Beyond resisting the pain, maybe. I think he accepted it, was resigned to it, and somehow that made it even worse. It made me feel so bad for him that I almost missed it when he started talking again.

"So what brings the Slayer up into the stacks on this fine picture of an evening? Looking for a little light reading material?"

I knew he wanted me to joke with him, ignore the tears, let him salvage his pride. I couldn't do that. Part of me wanted to. Part of me wanted to turn around and walk away and pretend it had never happened, pretend I'd never seen him there. But it was the part I don't like all that much. The part I've let rule me far too often. I'm getting better though. I think. I hope.

But I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to help him, but I didn't know how. I never know how. The only thing I could think of was to ask him.

"What's wrong, Xander?"

He brushed it off, like I knew he would. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong, Buff. I'm fine, really." He flashed a smile, but it looked more grotesque than cheerful and it certainly didn't reach his eyes. "I'm okay. I just want to be left alone, that's all."

Again that part of me felt tempted, but it was much easier to ignore this time. This was Xander. I moved over to where he was sitting and dropped to the floor so I was sitting next to him. "I'm not going away until you let me help you." Very softly. I had to make him believe me.

He didn't look at me for a long time, and I didn't say anything. Finally he slumped, as if all the life had gone out of him. "It's Willow. She hates me."

I wanted to cry myself at the pain in his voice. No one should ever have to feel like that, not ever. But I knew he couldn't be right. Willow didn't hate him. God, I hoped he wasn't right.

No! This was Willow we were talking about. And she wouldn't have been crying earlier if she hated him. Would she? No. This was Willow and Xander. Hatred didn't belong there.

"Xander, she doesn't hate you. She can't hate you. You're her Xander." I said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and to me it was. Those two belong together, as best friends if not more, and if they weren't together it meant the world just wasn't the place I needed it to be.

He looked like I'd just stabbed him through the heart and I wished desperately that I could have taken the words back, even though I didn't know what I'd said wrong.

"I'm not her Xander anymore, Buffy. And she's not my Willow. We've been like strangers since we got caught. Since she went back to Oz and started ignoring me." I thought he was going to start crying again, but he closed his eyes and held his breath for a few seconds, and when he looked at me again his eyes were free of tears. I could see them though, waiting to come out again.

"But I thought we were getting better. She hasn't been all over Oz when I'm around, like she knows she doesn't have anything to prove anymore. And it was just us here in the library for last period, and she smiled at me instead of getting all nervous like she did for so long after we got caught. She went and got lost on the computer instead of talking to me, but I figured this is Willow, she does that all the time anyways. So I thought we were getting better. But then I had to go and fuck it up all over again."

Again with the eyes closed and the holding the breath. Again he kept the tears away for just a little longer.

"I forgot, that's all. She was sitting at the computer, typing a mile a minute, and she asked me to bring her her notebook so she could find a website. 'No problemo' says I, and put down the stake I was whittling to bring it over to her. She smiled to thank me and took it and turned back to the computer and the sun caught her hair. Have you ever noticed Willow's hair in the sun?" I shook my head, not wanting to break his train of thought. "It glows, it's just beautiful. That's the very first thing I noticed about her when we were kids, before I even knew her name. Her hair was just on fire in the sunlight. So beautiful."

He trailed off and I was afraid he was done talking. I was trying to figure out a way to get him started again when he spoke, startling me.

"And I forgot. I reached out and took a bit of her hair in my hand. I've done that a million times, Buff. Just about every time I'm with Willow I end up playing with her hair. She likes it as much as I do. Or she did. But I forgot, I can't do that anymore." The tears finally escaped and started rolling down his cheeks, but he ignored them so I did too. "She jerked away from me like I was a demon or something. Then she looked at me like I was something even worse. I tried to apologize, I did, I just forgot is all, but she wouldn't listen. She screamed at me, told me never to touch her again and ran out." He closed his eyes again and cradled his head in his hands.

"I just wanted to die, Buff. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I saw you and Giles coming in but I didn't want you to see me so I hid up here until you left. I was gonna go home then, but I just didn't see the point. I don't even think I have a home anymore. Willow was always my home. That's when I started crying, when I realized I could never go home again."

He looked up at me, and his eyes held nothing but pain. "Never touch her again? It's like telling me not to breathe. I can't not touch her. She's my Willow. I have to touch her, Buff." He must have seen my thoughts in my eyes, because he clarified himself quickly. "Not like that. Well, yeah, I liked touching her when we kissed and all, but that was nothing compared to just touching her. Holding her hand when we're walking home. Putting my arm around her shoulders in the hall between classes. Playing with her hair. Hugging her just because I feel like it. It's like sometimes I have to make sure she's real, that she's still there. Something deep inside of me always expected her to leave me, all these years. To realize I don't deserve her and move on to people who do. But she never did. She always stuck by me. Until now. Until I forgot. Until I touched her." He was trying to smile, hide the pain again, but he couldn't. I did the only thing that seemed right. I moved over next to him and pulled him into my arms.

He resisted at first, struggled, but I didn't let him go. It felt good to know that my Slayer strength was good for something besides violence. When he realized he couldn't get away he stiffened in my arms, still resisting. I just held on until finally he relaxed and leaned into me. He wasn't crying anymore. We sat there for awhile, me holding him, him letting himself be held. All I could think about was how glad I was that I'd come back to the library to get my notebook. And how glad I was that Xander was letting me do this for him. He needed it so badly.

I'm pretty sure Xander was waiting me out, seeing if I was going to leave him alone again. I wasn't. I wasn't going anywhere. It took him awhile to believe that. When he did, he started talking again. His voice was almost back to normal now, but I didn't let it fool me.

"I never realized how many times I touched her every day. And I never realized how little I touched anyone else." His voice trailed off. I knew I had to keep him talking, since I sure didn't know what to say. Holding him was about the only thing I knew how to do. I was at a loss for what to do next. I was really, really hoping I'd figure it out on the fly, but I was afraid I was going to screw it up royally, hurt Xander even more.

"What do you mean, how little you touch anyone else?" It was as good a way to keep him talking as any, and I really didn't understand what he meant. Two for two, yay Buffy.

He twisted in my arms to look at me and I could tell he wasn't sure how much he wanted to tell me. My first instinct was to glare at him, but I've learned my first instincts aren't always the way to go. I just kept my arms around him and looked back at him and did my best to let him know with my eyes that he could tell me, that I wanted to know, that I wanted to help. I tried to let him know how much he meant to me, how much I cared, without saying a word. I was hoping it would work, but I wasn't betting on it. I was never very good at letting him know those things. At letting anyone know those things.

We just sat there in silence for awhile, but I think I must have gotten through to him. Or maybe he needed to talk even more than he needed to hide the pain. He settled back down and closed his eyes again before he started to speak.

"Sometimes I lay awake at night and try to remember the last time I touched another human being. It used to be easy. Nine times out of ten, it was Willow. But not anymore. Lately I've been noticing every time I touch someone, or someone touches me. It doesn't happen that often, and it's never Willow anymore. Until I forgot, anyways." He paused to get his breathing under control and I knew he was fighting back the tears again. I just held him, letting him know it was okay.

"Today I touched six people. Coming into school this morning I bumped up against some freshman I don't know. Third period Marsha Silvestri dropped her pen, and her fingers touched mine when I handed it back to her. Lunch lady Doris touched my hand a bit when she was giving me my change. You kinda pushed me at lunch when I said I like the fish sticks, and then later you hit me when I made that crack about Angel. Giles gave me a very British pat on the shoulder when he left Willow and me alone at the start of our study hall. Then Willow's hair. And now you again." He leaned further into me, and I shifted to accomodate him. "It's not enough, Buffy. It's just not enough."

I jerked upright, started to pull my arms from around him. I thought he was saying that's what he wanted. Like I said, I've never been any good at this. He clutched at my hands, holding them so I couldn't let go. I immediately stopped moving, brought my arms back to where they were. After a moment he relaxed against me again.

"That's not what I meant, Buffy. This right now is enough. It's perfect. Thank you." I didn't say anything, I just squeezed him a bit harder for a second. "But you can't hold me like this forever."

"Yes I can. I'm not going anywhere, Xander." I meant it, too. I was going to hold onto him until the end of time if I had to. I'm not entirely sure how I expected to manage that, but I've never been the planner of the group.

He chuckled a little bit, and underneath the pain was real humor. It warmed my heart, but I knew we weren't out of the woods yet.

"You have to let go sometime, Buff. Your mother's not going to be too crazy about bringing your dinner down here to the library, don't you think?"

I hadn't even thought about the fact that my mother was expecting me home for dinner. But then I realized he'd given me the solution. "You're coming home with me tonight."

I looked up into his startled eyes. His first reaction, of course, was to make a joke. "Um, it's not that I'm not thrilled to be propositioned by a Slayer, Buff." I saw something behind his eyes then, a different sort of pain, but I couldn't identify it before he moved on. "But what's your mom going to think if I just drop in for dinner at the last minute?"

Okay, now I knew he was grasping at straws. "Xander, my mother loves having you over for dinner and you know it. Now come on." I got up but he stayed on the floor, so I reached down and grabbed his hand. "C'mere, you." Once again I was thankful for my strength, because he did *not* want to get up. A willful Slayer will not be denied, however, and a few seconds later he was standing next to me. I made sure not to let go of his hand for even a second. So he wouldn't run away, and so he wouldn't be alone.

He tried, of course. I'd have been surprised if he hadn't. "Buff, it's okay. I'm okay now. You helped a lot, thank you, but I'm just going to go home now." He was doing his best to get his hand out of mine, but nothing doing. I held on until he realized it wasn't going to happen. Then he just stopped completely, no movement at all.

I looked at him and waited until he met my eyes. "You are going home, Xander. My home. You know you're welcome anytime." It was a statement but also a question, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded just a little bit. "I don't want you to be alone right now, Xander. You don't want that either, do you?"

He didn't answer for awhile. He just stood there, straight and tense. The only time Xander has good posture is when he's nervous about something. We just stood together, hand in hand, until finally he relaxed and nodded his head. "No. I don't want to be alone." His voice was so soft it was barely a whisper, but I heard, and inside I smiled. Getting Xander to admit he needs something is like pulling teeth, but it's worth it. I knew he wouldn't fight me anymore.

That settled, I immediately went into high gear. I pulled Xander down the stairs to the table with my books on it and thrust them into his stomach, pushing a small 'oof!' out of him. "Since you're coming to dinner the least you can do is carry my books for me."

That won me another real smile, and I started to think that maybe I knew what I was doing after all. We walked out of the library together, still holding hands, and I could tell he was starting to relax just a little bit.

I knew there was a lot still of work to be done, but for the first time I thought I was up to the challenge.