THAT '70'S SCREAM!!!The scene opens with our favorite '70's minded kiddies--well, Eric, Donna, and Hyde, at least--in (where else?) Eric's basement.
HYDE:...I'm telling you, all these rock starts dying....you think it's drugs? ha! I am telling you that they're beign offed by the government...they don't want kids to even consider listening to music that rocks! They want us to listen to Lawrence Welk!
ERIC: Hyde...
HYDE:...And Lawrence Welk...ha ha, I am going to say but one thing about him: he is the Antichrist! He makes everyone listen to corny crap that wouldn't be cool in the 18th century and he expects everyone to love it!
ERIC: Hyde, do you want me to grab more beer or not?
HYDE:First Lawrence Welk...then the plagues!
Hyde pauses.
HYDE: Did you say something about beer?
ERIC: Well, gee, Steve, aren't we all chipper today?
HYDE: You'll thank me when Mick Jagger dies and all this conspiracy is revealed to the unsuspecting citizens.
DONNA: Whatever. Eric, go and get some beer, okay?
ERIC: As you wish, madame...
Eric leaves, plunking up the stairs. Hyde and Donna are left in the room, staring at each other oddly.
HYDE: Uh...have I told you how the aliens are conspiring to take president Ford's brain and replace it with a mouse running around a wheel?
DONNA: I think they're too late for that. Don't you remember how he reacted when Eric streaked?
HYDE: I never saw a President look so confused...or comment "I pardoned Nixon so he could be free to streak around rallies like this one."
DONNA: Who knew Presidents had senses of humor?
The phone rings.
DONNA: I'll get it...I don't think the Formans need you ranting to Grandma about the aliens.
HYDE: Hey, we had a good conversation last week.
Donna picks up the phone.
DONNA: Hello?
VOICE: What's your favorite scary movie?
DONNA: Hunh? Eric? Is that you? Get the beer before Hyde makes up yet another conspiracy, would you?
VOICE: Answer me! What's your favorite scary movie?
DONNA: Oh, gee, the Wizard of Oz?
HYDE: Those Munchkins are instruments of the devil, man.
DONNA: Okay, mystery caller, what's the point of this?
VOICE: I'm going to cut your heart out!
DONNA: What for? Are we trying to imitate Norman Bates? It was in a shower, Big Creepy Scary Voice who I KNOW is Eric, and the chick was stabbed to death. Don't you remember throwing up when we saw it at the theater on Halloween?
VOICE: Um, what theater? And who's Eric?
DONNA: Just get the beer, okay!
Donna hangs up angrily.
DONNA:I'm going to kill Eric!
HYDE: Lover's quarrel?
DONNA: We're not dating...well, not yet.
Eric walks down the stairs, holding beers and smiling.
ERIC: Here's the beer....and once again, you shoudl be thanking me profusely. My mom almost roped me into making more pizza rolls. Those dang things are hot!
DONNA: You're dead, Eric. Try disguising your voice better next time.
ERIC: Hunh?
HYDE: Poor baby, puking while seeing Psycho!
ERIC: Donna, you did not tell him!
DONNA: What's the deal with the phone calls?
ERIC: What phone calls?
DONNA: I mean, that's the third one this week! All the same, threatening bodily harm, which I'm not worried about because I know that if you can't beat me in air hockey, you sure can't-
ERIC: Cut the ego-bashing!
Just then, the phone rings again.
ERIC: I'll get the phone...it's probably my grandmother. She was supposed to get out of the hospital today.
HYDE: What for?
ERIC: I don't know, my mom thought she was having hallucinations. She kept calling Lawrence Welk evil and throwing his records all away.
Hyde sinks in his chair as Eric picks the phone up.
ERIC: Hello?
VOICE: Do you want to die tonight?
ERIC: Um, no, not really. I think my friend Hyde would like to die, but I don't. I still have to convince everyone that my hair isn't a chameleon.
VOICE: Well, it has changed colors...first brown, then red, and now...
ERIC: How do you know that my hair has changed?
DONNA: Are we going to cry?
ERIC: No! I mean, pee my pants if this fool scares me any more, yes. Cry, no...unless this is followed by you beating me in basketball. Then I may whimper.
DONNA: Don't tell me it's that voice thing?
VOICE: Tell her she's next, Eric! I'll kill her too!
ERIC: Is this the Avon lady? My mom always said you were a stickler about makeup.
VOICE: It's me, and you're all going to die, each and every one of you...especially the one with the frizzy hair!
The Voice hangs up. Eric drops the phone.
ERIC: Well, this is going to be fun...being terrorized by insane people is always my idea of a fun night.
DONNA: You mean that was the voice? The same one that called me?
ERIC: Either that or my mom has one sore throat.
HYDE: I don't think I even want to know...I'm lucky I'm not involved in this.
ERIC: It said it was going to kill the frizzy haired one too. That means you, Electric Socket Lover.
HYDE: It's naturally curly, okay?
DONNA: Doesn't that Peanuts chick say the same thing?
HYDE: Shut up, Lucy Van Pelt. Why don't you and Charlie Brown go find the mad killer while I torment Snoopy.
ERIC: I resent being called Charlie Brown.
DONNA: Because he's a loser?
ERIC: No...even though he always gets his butt kicked by Lucy too.
A knock on the cellar door. All three jump.
HYDE:Who is it? If you're a masked killer, please show us some ID.
The door is thrown open. Kelso and Fez run in.
HYDE: Well, it's not a masked killer. Just a whipped little boy and a...a...whatever Fez is.
KELSO: You guys...uh...Jackie's...uhm...she's gone!
FEZ: She disappeared! Kelso was about to give her some good loving too!
KELSO: Damnit, Fez, shut up! The point is that Jackie's missing.
HYDE: Can I start cheering now?
DONNA: Shut up, Hyde. You can cheer after she's gone for sure.
ERIC: When did she disappear?
KELSO: I dunno. She's just gone.
ERIC: So much for intellectual insight.
KELSO: I feel bad...I mean, she kept talking about these weird phone calls.
DONNA: Weird calls?
KELSO: Yeah, like, some guy with a deep voice threatening her..
HYDE: Can we talk conspiracy now?
ALL EXCEPT HYDE: Shut up, Afro head!
HYDE: See if you get a chance when Lawrence Welk takes over...
KELSO: Anyway, she kept getting scared of whoever it was. I told her not to worry--I mean, I'm a Boy Scout-
ERIC: And a whipped one at that.
KELSO: I am not whipped! ANYWAY, I was going to go over her house and bam! No Jackie!
DONNA: This is weird....
ERIC: Jackie disappearing?
DONNA: No, that I'm not jumping for joy about it yet.
FEZ: I feel bad. Jackie was my favorite whore of all.
KELSO: Who's calling my girl a whore?
FEZ: No one, whore!
The phone rings again.
DONNA: Oh man..I am not answering it...it could be that psycho.
FEZ: Why would a psycho call here?
HYDE: Well, you call here all the time, Fez. and Kelso here...well, he's a psycho and they let him in!
FEZ: Am I a psycho?
HYDE: Sure you are, but you don't use the phone.
FEZ: Yes I do!(in a deep voice)Hello, how are you, would you like me to cut your heart out, whore? Donna screams.
DONNA: Fez? it was you?
FEZ: Yes! But I did it not for me but for my true love...
ERIC: You have a thing for Charles Manson!
Jackie coems bounding down the stairs.
ERIC: Jesus, it is Charles Manson!
JACKIE: Did you scare them like I asked you to, Fez?
FEZ: Yes, I scared them more than you could ever scare them.
HYDE: Don't be too sure...I mean, she's a valley girl! That's scary!
JACKIE: Oh, shut up! I'm sick of being made fun of by you, of all people, with your frizzy hair and ugly sideburns. Can we say that the Afro was so '75?
HYDE: Excuse me, Jackie Dearest.
JACKIE: You people won't even let me be with my boyfriend or anything else without all of you tagging along. I'm sick of all of you! I'm sick of giving you love advice and watching you botch it up, Donna!
ERIC: Love advice?
DONNA: Just pretend you didn't hear that and we'll go on with the romantic tension.
ERIC: Whatever.
JACKIE: I had Fez help me because..well, if you thought I whipped Michael, then you ain't seen nothing yet.
HYDE: Dear Lord, she's ruined our foreign relations forever. She whipped Fez.
JACKIE: I just want some respect for once! I want to be alone with Michael and talk and be me! Understood?
Assorted mumbling.
ERIC: Whatever makes you happy.
DONNA: Yeah...even if you is a very scary thing.
JACKIE: Well, fine. I'm going...Michael!
KELSO: I thought you and Fez were gettin' it on now.
JACKIE: Are you kidding? if I ever attempted to, he'd probably think gettin' it on means throwing on a winter coat. Come on, lover...daddy's not home now.
KELSO: Hee hee hee...I'm gettin' some!
FEZ: Get me some too,Kelso! Get me lots of it!
Kelso and Jackie run off.
HYDE: I think this could be called a conspiracy.
ERIC: I think we need more beer.
FEZ: I think I want to get it on.
Fez runs to a pile of old coats and jumps into it. FEZ: I am getting it all on! Each and every one!
HYDE: Eric, I need a six pack...possibly a keg.
FEZ: I love America!
ERIC: (as he walks up stairs)...And my parents wonder why I never bring my friends upstairs. They'd scare all the guests away.
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