Rating: Nothing more than unresolved feelings again
Disclaimer: Same as in the 1st part.
Two days later Chakotay sat on the bridge at the beginning of the shift, deep in thought. The Captain had yet to arrive but he was quite early, taking the time to gather his thoughts. He hadn't seen Tom Paris since that night he had taken him back to his quarters and was apprehensive about seeing him. He had half expected to run into him in the mess hall or in the resort in the evening but he hadn't since sight nor sound of him. Neither had anyone else if the comment he had overheard from Harry was right. He had almost not gone there in an attempt to avoid the young man but had decided that running away wasn't the answer, even if he wasn't sure what exactly he was running from.
He had spent the entire night lying there, thinking about what had happened trying to work out he'd been a witness to. It was pretty obvious that it had been some sort of panic attack, possibly a flashback, but to what? It had come pretty much out of the blue, after he had fallen on top of him on the bed. Suddenly his mind flashed back to the comment Tom had made just before the unfortunate fall. *Wasn't the first man to get him into bed.* What had *that* meant? Chakotay snorted, well it probably meant what it said. But he hadn't thought Tom felt that way, I mean he was Voyager's resident walking hormone, one man babe magnet.... There had been no indication that Tom was attracted to men. So where had that comment come from?
Chakotay's mouth suddenly went dry as he memory clicked into gear and reminded him that the young man had spent nearly an entire year in prison before coming here aboard Voyager. He closed his eyes and brought one hand up to rub his temple. Paris couldn’t have meant that could he? That didn't go on in Federation prisons any more surely. But then what had he seen in Cardassian camps in his time with the Maquis that would not be believed by those back home? Conditions and activities that would be a shock to many people, safe and secure in their own comfortable ignorant world. There were many things in the world that people were just plain ignorant and unaware of. But God, he hoped he was wrong.
So now he sat here with a myriad of thoughts running around his head. Trying to collect them and convince himself he was not preoccupied with thoughts of the young man. The sound of the turbo lift doors opening and his head shot up. Only Harry. He took a deep breath and mentally shook himself. A moment later and Captain Janeway came through the ready room doors and took her seat.
"Morning Commander." Janeway felt refreshed and full of the joys of spring for some reason she could not put her finger on. All she knew was that she felt good. She smiled warmly at her first officer and was surprised when all she got was a nod and half an mumbled 'Captain' in reply. "Commander, something bothering you today?" she enquired softly leaning over the console in the middle of the two chairs.
Chakotay turned and managed a smile, no good letting the Captain know your mind was somewhere else, he would just have to drag it back to the job at hand. That big pile of reports by his chair would be a good start. "No Captain, just a bit of a restless night that’s all."
Janeway knotted her brow in sympathy. "Any reason?"
Chakotay put on his best neutral face and shook his head. "Just a slight lack of sleep, nothing to worry about."
"I must admit I had good night for once. Its nice to have a few quite weeks for once, no hostile aliens, no low running supplies or spatial phenomenon threatening to rip us apart," she chuckled. "Its nice to just relax."
Chakotay smiled at her obvious good mood and felt it begin to rub off on himself. It was nice just to have no emergency to have to deal with, just plain travelling, getting ever nearer to home, however far away it still was.
The sound of the turbo doors opening again registered and he turned to see Lieutenant Paris step onto the bridge and make his way to the conn. With a nod at the ensign he was relieving, he quietly took his seat and began tapping away at the console, charting the course for the shift. Chakotay felt his eyes drawn to the back of the blond head and wondering what exactly was going on inside it.
It was a pretty uneventful shift as expected and therefore dragged quite considerably. Chakotay finished his pile of reports and sat there with nothing else to occupy his thoughts and they eventually drifted back to Paris. Paris himself had been pretty quiet even for a dull shift such as that. The young man usually managed to slot in a couple of off the cuff remarks or smart-ass comments about something somewhere along the way, but today there were no such remarks. He kept his head down and buried in his work at the conn for the entire time.
In fact if he thought back, it had been that way for a number of weeks now. Sort of a gradual decline so much that it was almost not noticeable. Unless you were particularly sensitive to the disruptive, jovial, smart-ass and sometimes just this side of disrespective behaviour that was so accustom from the young Lieutenant. Which of course the Commander was.
Why, he was he wasn't too sure. He had put it down to the obvious disrespect for any authority, the arrogance and cock-sure attitude that was so opposite to all that Chakotay believed and lived by. But then, since being on Voyager he had been forced to work and live with Tom Paris, forced to watch and begin to see the young man in a different light. It had been unavoidable and now although they were not close friends by any stretch of the imagination they *tolerated* each other.
It seemed as though he wasn't the only one to notice this change in behaviour. At the end of the shift she called Paris into her ready room. Five minutes later Paris emerged looking subdued and just a bit worried and headed off the bridge into the turbolift.
Chakotay having waited patiently on the bridge, taking the opportunity to get a bit further ahead in his reports, went into the ready room for their informal chat. It was a regular occurrence, a way of keeping them both appraised of the current situation and business of the day. As she sat down on the couch after getting them both a mug of tea from the replicator, she gestured for Chakotay to sit down also. It was as casual a meeting as it always was and Chakotay found himself relaxing again and enjoying the drink.
"Chakotay, have you noticed a change in Tom Paris's behaviour recently?"
He looked up. "He was unusually quiet today. But he has been for a while now."
"Exactly. He's whole attitude has been quiet and quite subdued for a number of weeks and I'm pretty sure he hasn't been sleeping well either. There's circles under his eyes most mornings when he comes onto the bridge and apart from Harry's birthday party I don't think I've seen him smile, not truly smile, you know?"
Chakotay nodded. She leaned back in her chair and Chakotay saw the worry creased into her brow as she observed him.
"I've sent him to the doctor for a general check-up," she continued. "If there's anything wrong the doctor should pick up on it but I can't say I'm not worried. His whole behaviour has changed and I'm pretty sure his lost weight too."
Chakotay nodded again in agreement. He'd noticed that too. The Lieutenant had always been slim in build; strong too, that he knew from past *disagreements* with the man; but recently he started to look quite thin, almost gaunt in appearance.
"Chakotay, I know that you served as a sort of substitute counsellor when you were in the Maquis and I was wondering whether you would be prepared to volunteer your services here on Voyager?"
"You mean for, Paris?"
"Yes," she regarded him thoughtfully. "I know the two of you have never really got along, but if the doctors tests reveal anything that he can't deal with..." She didn't finish the sentence but she didn't have to, Chakotay knew what she meant. The Lieutenants behaviour would indicate that if there were anything wrong then it was more likely to be an emotional problem more than a physical one. If so, then it was possible that a counsellor would be needed and the doctors program had never been equipped for such a task.
"I mean it might not be necessary,” she continued, ”I could just be jumping to conclusions here, but even if I am it would be useful if Voyager had a counsellor, even a untrained one as it were. That’s the one regret I have that she wasn't equipped with one, but it just wasn't a foreseen need, not for our mission." Chakotay could have sworn she gave a half chuckle, half snort at that.
"I'd be glad to help if I could. I don't guarantee how effective I'll be but, I'm willing to give it a go." Chakotay tried to look as confident as he could. He had to admit that counselling anybody, let alone Tom Paris was daunting, even with his brief prior experience but if he could help then he would try. "I must admit it would give me a chance to repay that life debt if I was needed."
Janeway smiled at that. "I remember. He's never mentioned it since has he? I'd almost forgotten about it."
"I know. But, I don't know if I'm imagining it or I'm just plain paranoid but I'll catch a glance and I swear he's reminding me silently," he smirked.
"You're probably right," Janeway chuckled putting her mug down on the table. "Anyway I'll let you know what the doctor says.”
Tom Paris was sat on a biobed in sickbay looking about as innocent as he could manage. “Doc, I can tell you now there’s absolutely nothing the matter with me.”
“Well the Captain would seem to differ with you, maybe you would like to take it up with her?” The Doctor’s acerbic tones echoed around the bay.
Tom just glared at him silently. God, he hadn’t realised he had been that obvious. I mean he hadn’t been sleeping for a while - he mentally tried to think back exactly how long but his brain refused to co-operate - but he hadn’t realised that it had got so bad people, namely the Captain, had started to notice. He always been careful about things like that in the past. The ability to lie and cover up one’s emotions had been a major surviving rule in New Zealand, not to mention times before.....
So here he was in sickbay trying to look for all the world like he didn’t know what the Doctor would find....please don’t let him find it.....
“Mr. Paris....”
Shit oh shit oh shit oh shit
“...did you know that there is a amount of heotrancylin in your system, levels consistent with a dosage taken not more than 12 hours ago?”
“Heotranii - what?”
“Heotrancylin,” the Doctor stated patiently. “Its a drug used for insomnia. Have you been taking this substance in any amount since I last examined you?”
“Um, no,”
The doctor having already made a mental note of the Lieutenants evasivness decided not to pursue the matter, instead turning his attention to the other results of his tests.
“Well it seems that you have a increased levels of ******** in your body indicating a moderately high level of exhaustion. You seem fine otherwise, nothing a few good nights sleep wouldn’t cure.”
Tom relaxed a fraction.
“But its obvious that you’re not getting a good night’s sleep,” Tom tensed again. “So I’m going to prescribe you a ‘mild’,” the doctor’s voice strained the word carefully, ”sedative to help and request that you try and pinpoint why it is you are not sleeping enough.”
“Doc....”
“Mr. Paris, I’m not going to argue with you, my tests show that you are not sleeping well enough to achieve full rest for your body. I won’t let you out of sickbay until you try and come up with an explanation.”
Tom looked at the doctor and realised that he wasn’t going anywhere. He was too well aquatinted with his own stubbornness not to recognise it in other people. He hesitated for a few moments while the doctor potted off round the console to fiddle with something. How far could he go without giving it away?
“I haven’t been sleeping well at night.”
The Doctor gave a inward sigh of relief. He hadn’t been too sure the pilot would give, but his strategy had worked. He filed it away for future use. ”Um hmmm.”
“I don’t sleep for more than three of four hours at a time and when I wake up I can’t seem to get back to sleep, I.......” Tom stopped. That was when he had started taking the Heotrancylin. “I usually get up and do something, read a book or go replicate a cup of tea or something. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t.”
“Why haven’t you been able to get more than 3 or 4 hours sleep?”
Tom hesitated again. “Ummm, dreams....” < You’ve done it now Tommy, they’re gonna want to know why. You can’t tell, they won’t understand, they don’t want to know about your problems....they won’t believe you anyway....>
“Nightmares?” Not exactly his line of specialism, the doctor sighed. He’d always worried that he’d come up against something that might require more of a counselling approach. As it was, Paris was just having nightmares, it didn’t necessarily mean that he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or anything but knowing his luck and Paris’s for that matter it would turn out that way. “What sort of nightmares? Do you remember them at all?”
“No,” Tom lied easily.
“How long have you been having these nightmares?”
“I dunno, a few weeks maybe?”
“And you can’t remember any of them?”
Tom looked caught, then in a split second the expression had disappeared and control had returned. But not before the doctor caught it. “It’s hard to recall doc. You know dreams sort of happen and then they’re gone.”
“Well actually I don’t know dreams, I don’t have the ability to dream.”
“Sorry, doc,” Tom looked genuinely hurt as he realised what he had said. The doctor had always had a love hate relationship with the pilot but that had come from the trading off smart ass comments and jokes and the pilots individual treatment of him. But he had come to realise that that was made Paris’s treatment of him so welcome sometimes. He had been treating the doctor *as* an individual. The Lieutenant had been one of the first people to treat the doctor as a real person and this understanding had come to mean a lot to the holographic doctor.
“I......,” he stumbled and failed. “I......remember....some things, but.....”
The doctor realised he was trying but struggling. Coming closer he said quietly, “I’d like you think about taking some counselling Mr. Paris.” He continued before Tom could interrupt him as he knew he would. “The Captain won’t let me clear you until I can say that you are fully 'recovered' and I can’t do that until I am sure that whatever is causing your nightmares has gone and won’t interrupt your behaviour on duty.”
Tom sat on the edge of the biobed a neutral expression on his face. He hated lying to the Doc, knowing what he was saying was true. He couldn’t ask the Captain to trust him if the *reason* for his exhaustion was still there. But he couldn’t face the possibility of people knowing, even the doc.
“As you have been suffering these nightmares for a number of weeks it proves that you can not ‘cure yourself’ of these dreams, would you not agree?”
Tom nodded silently.
“Then I recommend that you undergo a series of counselling sessions to see if you can work through these bad dreams. I myself am not equipped with enough knowledge of counselling to undergo the task myself so I recommending Commander Chakotay. He has prior experience in these matters and a good amount of patience and listening powers.”
“Commander Chakotay? Doc, I...can’t you? I trust you Doc, you have more knowledge now than when you were first initialised, you've had experience. Why can’t you?”
“Because I’m not trained Lieutenant, Commander Chakotay has had experience in helping people with problems such as these, I have not. I would be much more comfortable if you were to see him.”
Tom sat there quietly and the doc know that he had won, such as it were. “’I’ll speak to Commander Chakotay and arrange a time for you and he to meet.”
More to come soon!