Chapter 54

Brenda had been walking for forty minutes ever since pulling over and leaving
 her car along side the main road.  The snow was deeper here which made her
 progress much slower, the land stretching before her untouched by humans
 leaving a clear trail of her footprints amid the animal tracks that dotted the
 white snowy meadows.  The only sign of civilization she’d seen so far had been
 the long split level fence where she’d had to short out a small section before
 climbing over it.  Lousy security she thought but shrugged it off, it wasn’t
 her problem, this land no longer belonged to her, it had been lost just like
 so many of her other hopes and dreams.  Reality ruled her life now, a reality
 that she had forged for herself, a reality where there was no time for dreams
 or wishes, and no room for disappointment.  Then what was she doing here, she
 asked herself.  The answer was the same as it had been three hours ago when
 she’d made it on that narrow street outside of Luke’s.  She had to come.
 Something inside her compelled and drew her to this place and she needed one
 last look before disappearing forever.

Cresting the hill she looked up at the next, then turned around in a circle
 and looked out in every direction.  It was so beautiful here, the land in
 front of her sloped up, gently rolling up and into the next hill before
 dipping down on the other side to meet more rolling ground, to the right and
 left pristine blankets of white reached as far as she could see.  Quiet
 surrounded her, so tranquil and peaceful, Sonny had always told her peace
 could be found here and she still believed that was true, just not for them.
 She sighed and for the first time in years she yearned for her camera, wanting
 to capture the essence of the countryside as the sun rose over it or even as
 it sank back down into the hills glittering along the melting snow as it went.
 She shook her head and made her way down a small incline, then slowed her pace
 to walk uphill once again, walking towards the highest point, towards the
 place that had been theirs.

Funny that two city breed people had grown to love and fell as if they
 belonged to such an isolated country setting after only three visits.  This
 was the last place that they’d come before fleeing Port Charles together that
 early September morning just the day after their wedding, but they had always
 held it close to their hearts and had never found it’s equal even in all their
 travels.  She slowed even more, taking smaller and smaller steps until she
 reached the top of the hill where she stopped and looked around, six years had
 changed very little, winter had left the trees bare of leaves and the bushes
 grew dense and high, encircling the small grove and growing up against the old
 weathered fence making it near impossible to look through or over them to the
 land below.  Glancing at the ground she noticed another set of footprints
 besides her own, stomping her feet against the hard ground and attempting to
 warm them she debating whether or not to proceed any further.  She didn’t
 think for very long, her feet made the decision for her and took a step
 towards the bush shrouded fence that formed a boarder between the hidden
 alcove and the fields below.  Closer and closer she walked until she stood up
 against them searching for a gap to see through, finally she located one, and
 pushing aside several branches she peered through and what she saw made her
 gasp.

Sonny walked slowly up the trail that was worn into the hillside towards his
 favorite spot, today of all days it was important for him to be there, to feel
 close to her, but today for some reason the pull was stronger than it had ever
 been before.  Ten years sounded like such a long time, it was amazing how
 different the first five and the last five had been.  The first had been both
 painful and exciting but always full of love, the last had been more of the
 same but the pain much sharper, colors much duller, days longer and bleaker,
 and the love and passion missing.  Sometimes he felt as if he were just living
 day to day waiting to die, waiting to join her, their daughter being the only
 thing that really kept him going, he no longer gained any pleasure from his
 work with L&B or with the mob, life had just lost to much of it’s joy and
 pleasure since she had left it.  Life was slower, one person could make that
 difference, he’d never truly believed that until it had happened, having
 Brenda in his life had made it fuller, brighter, and most definitely better.

He sighed trying to pull his mind from the painful past.  It was Valentine’s
 Day, ten years ago today they had gone on their first date, the first day in
 the beginning of their lives together.  Who would have thought that an abused
 street kid from Brooklyn and a willful neglected débutante would find such a
 lasting love with one another, he smiled sadly "the mobster and the model"
 they’d been called, they had both come a long way from when they were young
 and alone, they thought they were invincible and would last forever.  They
 were wrong, this year Brenda would have been 29 but he knew she would still be
 as beautiful and full of life now as she had been when they first meet and she
 would remain like that to him even when she was 50.  How could something he
 had expected to last forever be cut short by tragedy and with her going first?
 The saying ‘I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost you’ had taken on a
 whole new meaning, he now knew what that was like, he was alive but sometimes
 he was so numb he just didn’t realize it.  He felt the absence every day and
 in every bone of his body but lately he had begun to mix the past with the
 present, kissing Brianna what was he thinking?  He shook his head and grimly
 accepted the immediate answer of his subconscious, he had been thinking of
 Brenda, she haunted him night and day for as long as he could remember but by
 kissing Brianna he had been substituting her for Brenda and in turn had been
 swamped with guilt and confusion for most of the week.  The draw to her had
 been immediate which perplexed him greatly, why he kept asking himself, and
 how could he betray Brenda like that?  Yes he realized that she was dead, but
 that didn’t make him feel better, it was a betrayal of the heart and of the
 love they’d shared for so long, a love that he still felt deeply.  He shook
 his head and continued upward attempting to change the direction of his
 thoughts.

Jason would be back today and he wondered what he had found, another wave of
 guilt immediately assaulted him as he wondered who had killed Brenda and never
 come after him.  He felt a wave of anger at himself and at the fact that it
 had taken him nearly six years to figure it out.  By now the trail was
 probably cold but he had to find out who was responsible, check that he was
 responsible after all he had made her his wife and therefore a target, but he
 still had to find out who had initiated the order.  Something about it just
 didn’t feel right, it was just too subtle.  He heaved a sad sigh and crested
 the hill making a beeline for the large oak and the clearing beyond.

Brenda vaguely heard the crunching of snow under someone’s foot as they
 approached her from the rear, but her attention remained focused on the small
 valley spread out below her.  She had been standing motionless in the same
 place for over ten minutes, rooted there shocked and stunned by the sight
 below her, she took a stuttering breath and glanced over her shoulder trying
 to see who, or what, was approaching.  It was no use, whoever it was remained
 hidden by the trees.  She had to get out of there before she was caught,
 moving to her right she darted quietly toward the boulders and trees that grew
 to one side and took refuge behind them.  She stifled another gasp as she
 watched the figure wrapped in a dark coat emerge from across from her.

Sonny paid no mind to the beautiful scenery around him as he stood motionless
 in the center of the clearing letting the memories wash over him.  He
 remembered the first time he’d brought Brenda here, remembered them making
 love and laughing on the blanket they had picnicked on, feeding each other and
 talking, just happy to be together again.  He walked closer to the fence and
 stopped in the same place that Brenda had stood only moments before and looked
 down at the huge house below, their dream house.  They had designed it
 together, from floor to ceiling, and now it almost hurt him to live in it, to
 walk through it, to see all the empty rooms that they had always planned to
 fill.  He turned his back to it and looked back the way he had just come, no
 one had followed, no one ever did, even Jason left him with his memories here,
 this was he and Brenda’s place.  The branches of the oak swayed in the slight
 breeze and his eyes drifted towards it, three years ago when he had returned
 to Port Charles the first thing he had done was come here and scattered her
 ashes hoping that she was at peace because he sure wasn’t.  His shoulders
 slumped and he looked back out across the land that had meant so much to them
 closing his eyes and wishing she was here at his side.

Brenda watched Sonny her heart aching to reach out to him, to touch him, to be
 with him.  She wanted to look into his eyes and drown in them, she wanted to
 feel his hands on her, feel the fire he ignited in her blood, on her skin, and
 in her soul.  She wanted it so much and there he was just yards away, all she
 had to do was step out and reveal herself, but what then?  What if Jason was
 wrong?  Could she go through all that pain and heartache again without dying
 from it?  Her head turned searching for a glimpse of the house she had seen
 below but she was too far away, that was their house, she felt it with every
 bone in her body, but what did that mean?  Did he still love her as much as
 she loved him and could he accept the person she had become?  Could he ever
 forgive her?  Her mind waged with her heart, then she took a small step
 forward, and another and another.  Her heart had won.

B - "Sonny." she said softly, the love and hope apparent in her voice, the
 feelings and emotions so familiar to her heart yet so foreign to her tongue.
S - "Brenda?" he answered in a whisper, his stiff back still to her and head
 tilted up to the sky.
B - "Yes, it’s me." she replied.
S - His eyes flew open and he slowly turned his head praying that the voice he
 had heard was real and not just another dream.  He turned completely around,
 the stunned look falling from his face as his eyes dropping to the ground in
 regret as he shoved his hands into his pockets.  "Oh, hi Brianna." He
 muttered.
B - She took a deep breath, looking for courage, hoping she was doing the
 right thing, and pressed on.  "No Sonny, you were right the first time." She
 told him with a gentle smile on her face.
S - His head jerked up and he stared long and hard at her.  The hair and the
 clothes weren’t right but the eyes, those deep dark shining eyes that stared
 back at him were as familiar to him as his own.  "Brenda?" he said in awe.
B - She blinked rapidly, her throat tight with tears that were pooling in her
 eyes.  "Yes Baby, it’s me."

Chapter 55

S - "Oh my god." He muttered taking a staggering step backward his expression
 shocked and bewildered.  "Your alive?" he whispered and she nodded her head
 while blinking away the tears that clung to her lashes.  He removed his hand
 from his pocket and slowly walked towards her, needing to touch her, to make
 sure she was real, hoping that she wouldn’t disappear before his eyes.  He
 brushed her cheek lightly and his next breath caught in his chest - she was
 real, he could feel her.  Gently he moved his thumb, catching a lone tear and
 softly wiping it away.  She was still there, not just a figment of his
 imagination, not a dream, but reality, his wife was standing in front of him
 alive.  She lifted her hand from her side and placed it over his then slowly
 tilted her face into his palm, closing her eyes with a deep sigh.
B - "Sonny." she murmured her lips curving into an angelic smile.
S - He stood there awed then slowly dropped his hand watching as her eyes
 fluttered open before reaching out once again and pulling her to him in a bone
 crushing hug.  "Brenda." he whispers into her hair.

Her heart sang, she believed now, she truly believed everything that Jason had
 said, Sonny really had thought she was dead.  His arms were tight around her,
 so tight it was almost uncomfortable but she didn’t complain, she just reveled
 in it and pressed deeper into his embrace holding on just as tightly, feeling
 his warm breath against her neck as he buried his face into her hair inhaling
 her delicate fragrance.  Finally his hold loosened and he pulled back, just
 slightly, so that he could look down at her.  She smiled up at him but said
 nothing, waiting silently, knowing he had questions that he needed to ask,
 questions she didn’t know all the answers to.

S - "I can’t believe it, your alive." He said gently brushing his thumb over
 her parted lips.  She nodded slightly not wanting to move out of his embrace,
 not wanting to loose contact with any part of him.  "How?" he asked quietly
 but she didn’t answer.  "This doesn’t make any sense, I saw you dead.  You
 were dead, I held you and I know, I KNOW, you weren’t breathing." He said
 firmly.  "Brenda what the hell is going on?" he asked softly.
B - "I don’t know Sonny." she replied gently as she reached up to lightly
 caress his cheek.
S - "This doesn’t make any sense." He repeated thoroughly confused.  "Why
 didn’t you come to me, why didn’t you tell me you were alive?"
B - She took a stuttering breath and answered in a voice that was so low he
 had to strain to hear her "Because you left me."
S - "What!!" he yelled abruptly releasing her and stepping back.
B - "Sonny?" she said reaching for him but he evaded her.
S - "I left you, like hell I did." He continued angrily.
B - "Sonny listen to me." she told him reaching for his hand but he only
 lifted it to rub his temple before nodding slightly for her to continue.  She
 started speaking softly never once taking her eyes from him, "When I woke up
 in the hospital after the .." she stuttered to a stop and he jerked his eyes
 up from the ground to watch her closely as she breathed deeply before
 continuing, "when I woke up they gave me a letter, a letter from you."  He
 tried to interrupt but she shook her head and stopped him.  "Let me finish
 okay?" she said firmly while reaching into her pocket to remove something.
 "It said that you were leaving me and that you could never forgive me, and
 that you never wanted to see me again." She said in a whisper before adding
 the most damning part "and if you did I would be sorry, very sorry."
S - "NO, No." he said shaking his head furiously.
B - "It was all there in black and white."
S - "And you believed it?" he whispered in shock.
B - "I didn’t want to, but by the time I was released from the hospital I did.
 I mean what else could I think, the letter was written by you and you were
 nowhere to be found, and my ring, it was gone." She finished softly her eyes
 focused on her feet as she tried to get past the bitterness, shame, and pain.
S - "Your ring?"
B - "My wedding band, it was gone." She told him lifting up her bare hand.
S - "I know." He said softly flashing back to a time long ago when he had
 gently slid it from her lifeless hand and placed it on his own.  He jerked
 himself back to the present and asked the question that had puzzled him the
 most.  "Brenda?  What about the note?  I didn’t send you any note, let alone
 write one."
B - "Here." She said extending a crumbled square towards him.
S - "You still have it?" he asked in disbelief.
B - "Yes" she answered simply.
S - He gently took it from her hand, brushing his fingers against hers as his
 went, then slowly unfolded it and began to read a shocked look coming over his
 face.  "This is my handwriting." He said looking at her with wide eyes.
B - "I know." She responded quietly.
S - "But I never wrote his," he said his eyes returning to the letter "Brenda
 I never wrote this, I swear." He said slowly shaking his head and lifting his
 eyes to hers willing her to believe him.
B - "I know that - now." She smiled as he looked back down at the letter he
 had balled up in his fist.
S - "Why would anyone do this?" he asked his face a mask of emotions; anger,
 disbelief, and confusion all apparent.
B - "I don’t know the answer to that Sonny."
S - "Well I’m going to find out." He said firmly his mind already beginning to
 race with the possibilities.
B - "No Sonny - WE are going to find out." She told him firmly.
S - "Sure honey." He said easily and she sighed thinking to herself that
 somethings never change, like Sonny’s attitude concerning her and danger, but
 this was one battle she intended to fight AND win.  He looked back at her and
 smiled slightly "Come here baby." He said stepping closer to her and holding
 out his arms, she smiled in return and moved into his tender embrace burying
 her face into his chest.  "Is this real, you’re really alive?"
B - She lifted her chin and grinned "Yeah baby this is real."
S - "Not just another dream?"
B - "Nope, not a dream." She replied shaking her head slowly never once taking
 her eyes from his.
S - "I’ve missed you so much." He told her as he bent his head to hers softly
 brushing his lips against hers before pulling back slightly to look deep into
 her shining eyes.  "God I‘ve missed you." 
B - She smiled again tears returning to her eyes as she reached out placing a
 hand on either side of his face drawing it closer to her own and whispering
 "I’ve miss you too." into his lips before kissing him with all the pent up
 emotion, passion, and love that had been buried for what seemed like a
 lifetime.
Chapter 56

Sonny and Brenda stood in each others arms for a long time, kissing, hugging,
 and touching, no words were needed, they just needed to be together, to be
 sure that life wasn’t playing another cruel trick on them and that this wasn’t
 a twist of fate that would bring them together for a moment before tearing
 them apart once again and leaving them alone and lonely..

S - Finally pulling back out of her arms he took a small step backwards but
 remaining well within her reach "Brenda?" 
B - "Hmm?" she murmured happily.
S - "Earlier you said something that bothered me."
B - "What?" she asked instantly alert, the smile quickly falling away and her
 face becoming guarded.
S - He noticed the change, felt the withdrawal deep inside his soul and that
 scared him a little.  Brenda had always been so open, especially with him, and
 to watch her shut down like this made him abruptly realize that her physical
 appearance wasn’t the only thing that had changed.  He wondered what had made
 her that way and why she had suddenly pulled back into herself.  The pain he
 felt right now, had she felt that same pain every time he had shut her out of
 his life and his business?  God he hoped not because he didn’t like the
 feeling one bit and the thought of having been the one who had inflicted it on
 her time and time again upset him greatly.  "Brenda what is it?" he asked
 reaching out for her.
B - "Nothing." She replied stiffly taking a step back, a step away from him
 and turning slightly to look away from him.  "Now what did you want to ask
 me?"
S - He was taken aback again by her reaction but decided to press on.  "You
 asked me earlier if I could ever forgive you, what exactly did you mean by
 that?"  She stiffened even more, if that was possible, and took another step
 away.  "Brenda?" he said again but didn’t try to approach her, he knew she
 wouldn’t run, he knew she was scared and nervous about something but he also
 knew that she wasn’t going anywhere, so he waited patiently for her to answer.
B - She stood there unable to face him, she didn’t want to get into this, not
 after she had just found him again.  She didn’t want to bring up anything that
 would tear them apart, the first time had almost killed her, literally, and
 she couldn’t live through that kind of pain again.  "Sonny the past isn’t
 important." She said desperately trying to change the direction of the
 conversation.
S - "It is Brenda, to us it is." he replied softly.  "We’ve missed out on so
 much time together but the past is what made us the people we are today, you
 were the one that always insisted that we talk things out to get things out
 into the open, right?  So what’s changed?"
B - "I have, we have.  Please Sonny I don’t want to talk about this." She said
 looking over her shoulder her eyes filled with pain and sadness.
S - "But I do." He answered simply then placed a hand on her shoulder but made
 no move to touch her further.  "Is this about that stupid wire?  I forgave you
 for…"
B - "No Sonny, not the wire." She interrupted as he dropped his hand.
S - "Then what Brenda?" he asked puzzled.  "Tell me please, you are starting
 to scare me."
B - She stood there unmoving, gathering the strength and the nerve, preparing
 herself for the tide of pain she knew she would have to face when he walked
 out of her life once more.  She drew in a deep breath and prayed for the
 strenght and courage to get though this then began.  "The baby Sonny, can you
 ever forgive me for that?"
S - "The baby?  What are you talking about sweetheart?" he asked placing his
 hands on her shoulders and turning her around.
B - "Don’t call me that!" She snapped allowing him to turn her around so that
 she was now facing him.
S - "Honey?" 
B - Tears flowed from her eyes down her face and across sharp cheek bones then
 trailed to the corner of her mouth and chin as she stood there shaking, the
 pain and memories assaulting her.  "The doctor he told me that it was all my
 fault, if I had taken it easy, if I had been more careful, if I had eaten
 better, if, If, IF he went on.  Apparently I didn’t do anything right."
S - "Brenda?" he tried to interrupt.
B - She continued on twisting out and away from his grasp and started to pace
 around the clearing the cold temporarily forgotten.  "Don’t you see it was all
 my fault," she yelled her voice rising.  "I should have listened to you and
 done less, eaten more, slept more, gone to those classes that I deemed stupid.
 Damn it Sonny I killed our baby!  I killed her!"
S - "Brenda!" he said sharply his voice cutting through her rambling tirade
 "What the hell are you talking about?"
B - She stopped abruptly under the giant oak tree and stood there her
 shoulders slumped in defeat.  "I killed our baby Sonny, I am so sorry.  You
 will never know just how sorry I am." She answered in a soft and tired voice.
 They both stood unmoving for several minutes, both lost in their own tortured
 worlds and thoughts before Brenda started to walk away.  "Goodbye Sonny." she
 said so softly her voice was almost lost in the breeze as she continued
 walking away leaving him stunned and confused and all alone in the center of
 the clearing.
S - "Brenda wait!" he called to her retreating back as he snapped out of his
 daze.  She stopped but didn’t turn around.  "You don’t know what you are
 talking about, you didn’t kill our daughter."
B - "Sonny you don’t have to spare my feelings any more, I know the truth and
 the truth is that it is all my fault that our child is dead." She answered
 softly finally managing to turn around and face him the pain, guilt, remorse,
 and misery clearly etched on her beautiful face.  "Hey no one ever thought I
 would be a good mother anyway."  She added flippantly with a fake smile
 plastered to her face.  "Maybe it was for the best, I mean what do I know
 about setting an example for a kid to follow?" She told him trying hard not to
 cry or show how much she was truly hurting.
S - "I think you’ll be a wonderful mother." Her told her as he walked towards
 her pulling her stiff resisting body against his and stroking his hand
 tenderly up and down her back in soothing strokes.
B - Her head bowed into his shoulder and stutters racked her body as she
 inhaled and exhaled huge gulping breaths while she clung to him not allowing
 herself to cry.  "I am so sorry Sonny." she whispered repeatedly into his
 coat.
S - "Shh baby." He said squeezing her tight and holding on while trying to
 piece together the fragmented puzzle in his mind.  He gently pushed her back
 then tilted her chin up with his finger "Baby I want you to come with me
 okay?" she lifted her dark sad eyes to his and blinked but didn’t answer "Come
 on." She still didn’t respond so he grabbed her unresisting hand and tugged
 her out of their hiding place and down the trail he had used earlier.


Continued











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