Mulder: (pointing at a sign) Milepost 134. Two miles to go.
Scully: I'm all a-tingle. (they share a look)
Scully: Mulder, it's the dim hope of finding that proof that's kept us in this car, or one very much like it for more nights than I care to remember. Driving hundreds if not thousands of miles through neighborhoods and cities and towns where people are raising families and buying homes and playing with their kids and their dogs, and . . . in short, living their lives. While we - we - we just keep driving.
Mulder: What is your point?
Scully: Don't you ever just want to stop? Get out of the damn car? Settle down and live something approaching a normal life?
Mulder: This *is* a normal life. (Scully smiles)
(As two pairs of headlights approaching very quickly from the rear.)
Scully: Mulder.
Mulder: I don't know if we're going to meet that crackpot after all.
Morris Fletcher: What's your business here? What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
Mulder: What are you doing out here?
Scully: Hiding top secret test flights? Using technology from UFOs?
Morris: (sarcastically) Flying saucers. I got a top secret for you. (to Mulder's ear) There's no such thing as flying saucers.
Scully: Are you all right, Mulder?
Morris (as Mulder): What are you talking about?
Scully: Well, you haven't said anything since we left those men on the highway. Is something wrong?
Morris (as Mulder): I'm fine. Gas cap's on your side.
(Scully is surprised at his attitude. Apparently this is not usual procedure, but she gets out of the car.)
Scully: Okay . . . If you don't want to talk about it.
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, Dana? Want to pick me up a pack of Morleys, please?
Scully: Since when do you smoke?
Morris (as Mulder): Well . . . you're not going to be a Nazi about it, are you?
Joanne Fletcher: You always forget. Well, this time, don't forget the milk.
(She hangs up. Mulder looks at the phone for a second then hangs up also.)
Jeff: The wife?
(Mulder nods. Jeff imitates cracking a whip at Mulder.)
Jeff: Come on, man. Let's go home.
(Jeff and Mulder pull up in front of a typical suburban home. Mulder doesn't move. Jeff pats him on the shoulder.)
Jeff: Come on, Morry.
Mulder (as Morris): (not happy to be there) There it is, huh? Home sweet home. All right.
Morris (as Mulder): Hey . . . Hey, Dana. How's it going?
Scully: Mulder . . . Where have you been?
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, sorry, I just got a little lost on my way in.
Scully: You got lost.
Morris (as Mulder): I'm just a little, you know, little lost in my head.
Scully: Yeah.
Morris (as Mulder): Yeah. One of those days. Yeah.
AD Kersh: My two frequent flyers.
Morris (as Mulder): Sir, you're absolutely right. And on behalf of Agent Scully and myself, I'd like to apologize for our blatant disregard of your direct order. You have our word. We will never ever do that again.
(Scully is speechless.)
Morris (as Mulder): (defensive) What?
Scully: What is going on with you?
Morris (as Mulder): Will you please stop trying to pick a fight with me?
Scully: Mulder, you are acting bizarre.
Morris (as Mulder): (glancing back to the Assistant's office) Jealous?
(Morris gives her a knowing smile and slaps her on the butt as he passes. Scully turns and stares at him in shock.)
(Mulder is asleep on the recliner, turning restlessly. TV is on the porn channel. A hand reaches out and taps him hard on the shoulder. Mulder opens his eyes and sees a woman in front of him, hands on her hips.)
Mulder (as Morris): Scully?
Joanne: I can't believe you. I just can't believe you! And who is Scully?
Chris: Morning, Dad.
Mulder (as Morris): Morning . . . Terry.
Chris: Oh, my God! (she bursts into tears and runs back upstairs)
Joanne: Morris . . . What did you do to Chris?
Terrence: Yo, dad.
Mulder (as Morris): Good morning, Terry.
Terrence: Not Terry.
Mulder (as Morris): Chris.
Terrence: (disgusted) Terrence. "Terry's" for wusses.
Mulder (as Morris): (under his breath) Oh, and Terrence isn't? Hey, uh, Terrence how about helping your old Dad find his car keys?
Joanne: Morris! What about Chris?
Mulder (as Morris): Chris?
Chris: You said you'd give me an answer today.
Joanne: Her nose. You said you'd give her an answer about her nose.
Mulder (as Morris): Um . . . I think . . .
(Chris gives him a little girl look.)
Mulder (as Morris): I think she's a little young for plastic surgery don't you think?
(Chris cries again.)
Joanne: Oh, for God's sake, Morris -- a nose ring! She said she wants a nose ring!
Chris: (to Mulder) I hate you! I wish you were dead.
Mulder (as Morris): Well, my work here is done. Have a nice day.
Mulder (as Morris): Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Johnny Cash.
(Mulder begins to undress then notices his reflection in the mirror, which is of Morris. Wearing just boxers, an undershirt, and socks, he walks up to the mirror. As he raises his hand, so does the Morris-reflection. They breathe fog on the window and wipe it off, wiggle their butts, walk away from the mirror, then turn to catch each other. They walk out of each others sight, then coming dancing across Chuck Berry-style. In the middle of the dance, Joanne Fletcher enters with the phone. Mulder freezes.)
Joanne: Morris . . . What are you doing?
(Mulder breaks into a bad Tai Chi move for her benefit.)
(Morris is playing a golf game on his computer.)
Morris (as Mulder): Come on, baby, be the hole. (makes the shot) Ow!
Scully: Mulder!
Morris (as Mulder): (proudly to Scully) I got a birdie.
Morris (as Mulder): Who do you suppose that was?
Scully: That wasn't your source? Well, I'll run a trace.
Morris (as Mulder): Uh . . . No, no. I think we should notify El Jefe ASAP. We don't want our collective asses chewed out all over again.
Scully: Mulder? Are you sure that's the best thing to do?
Morris (as Mulder): Look, little lady, I think it's time you got your panties on straight. We're federal officers . . . We go by the book.
Mulder (as Morris): This man needs a doctor.
(One of the soldiers shoots the attendant.)
Howard: Not anymore.
(After Kersh's Assistant leaves Mulder's apartment)
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, hey, Dana.
Scully: What do you think you're doing?
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, you know, just a little lunch break. What's up?
Scully: And I'm thinking it was your source although I don't know why he'd try and impersonate you.
Morris (as Mulder): Maybe so.
Scully: You don't think that we should follow up on this?
Morris (as Mulder): Are you out of your pretty little mind?
Scully: This is an X-File, your life's work, your crusade!
Morris (as Mulder): As I understand it, we're off the X-Files.
(Scully, no longer able to speak, slams the door as she leaves. Morris, now alone looks in the mirror to fix his tie. The reflection is of Mulder.)
Morris (as Mulder): Bitch.
Mulder (as Morris): Well, yeah, but I mean, how do we reverse it? How do we get the lizard out of the rock?
Howard: Who says we can?
Joanne: That and you mumble something about Scully in your sleep. Who is Scully, Morris? Is it another woman?
Mulder (as Morris): Does Scully sound like a woman's name to you?
Mulder (as Morris): My point is that there are a lot of things you don't know about me. And . . . I've just . . . I've been under a lot of pressure lately. I mean, up is down and black is white. I don't know where I stand anymore. I don't even know . . . who I am really anymore. I just . . . I know for sure that I am not the man you married. I'm just not. And I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry.
Joanne: Oh, God, Morris. I didn't know. They have that pill now. (understanding laughter) We can work this out. There's other ways to be intimate.
Mulder (as Morris): I'm Mulder. I'm really Mulder. I switched bodies, places, identities with this man Morris Fletcher the man that you think is Mulder, but he's not. (sees his reflection in the car window - of Morris) Of course you don't believe me. Why was I expecting anything different? Your full name is Dana Katherine Scully. Your badge number is . . . Hell! I don't know your badge number. Your mother's name is Margaret. Your brother's name is Bill Jr. He's in the Navy and he hates me. (no response from Scully) Lately, for lunch, you've been having this six-ounce cup of yogurt, plain yogurt, into which you stir bee pollen because you're on a bee pollen kick even though I tell you you're a scientist and you should know better.
Scully: Look . . . Any of that information could have been gathered by anyone.
Mulder (as Morris): Even that yogurt thing? That is so you. That is so Scully. Well, it's good to know you haven't changed. That's somewhat comforting.
Mulder (as Morris): (to Morris) You! You son of a bitch! You orchestrated this whole thing! He's not me, Scully! Would I do this?! Would I do this?! Scully! Scully!
(Scully watches them take him out, a look of suspicion, perhaps dawning realization on her face. She takes a few steps toward him.)
Mulder (as Morris): (yelling back to her) No, you bastard, tell them the truth! Scully, he's not me! He's not me! Scully! He's not me!
6x03 6x05
