Morris: (voice-over) Once upon a time, there was a guy with the improbable name of Fox Mulder. He started out life happily enough, as these things go. He had parents who loved him, a cute kid sister. He had a roof over his head, got all his flu shots, had all his fingers and toes and aside from being stuck with the name "Fox" which probably taught him how to fight -- or not -- he pretty much led a normal life. But the worst thing by far -- the biggest kick in the slacks this kid Fox ever got-- was what happened to his sister. One day, she just disappeared. Now, Fox buckled down and worked his butt off. Graduated top of his class at Oxford then top of his class at the FBI academy. None of that hard work made up for his sister, though. It was just a way of putting her out of his mind. Finally, the way I figure it, he went out of his mind and he's been that way ever since. Fox Mulder pissed away a brilliant career, lost the respect of supervisors and friends and now lives his life shaking his fist at the sky and muttering about conspiracies to anyone who will listen. If you ask me, he's one step away from pushing a baby carriage filled with tin cans down the street. But now, all that's going to change.
Morris (as Mulder): You hate me now, right? Dana, I'm sorry I narced on you to Kersh, but I . . . I was scared you were going to lose your job.
Scully: You did the right thing, Mulder.
Morris (as Mulder): I did?
Scully: I've been telling you for years you should play more by the book, haven't I?
Morris (as Mulder): Hey, it's the new me.
Lana Chee/Pilot: You ain't going nowhere, mibby. You and me have had our asses officially disappeared. Looks like we're up fudge creek.
Mulder (as Morris): Who are you?
Lana Chee/Pilot: Call sign's Maverick. Not like I'm going to be hot-sticking it anytime soon
Mulder (as Morris): Are you all right, Ma'am?
Lana Chee/Pilot: "Ma'am?" (grabs crotch and walks back to her cot) Kiss my ass, you desk monkey.
Morris (as Mulder): No, no, no. Up, up . . . Whew. (ball goes in) I am Tiger Woods.
Morris (as Mulder): So, what did Kersh say?
Scully: He said that I was willful, insubordinate and not a team player and the FBI didn't need agents that weren't team players.
Morris (as Mulder): What a jerk. Then what?
Scully: Two-week suspension without pay.
Morris (as Mulder): You're not serious. Who does he think he is?
Scully: See you in two weeks.
Morris (as Mulder): Dana? You suppose a home-cooked meal might ease the pain a little? Say, at my place 8:00?
(Scully stares at him as if thinking about it, then gives a small nod of affirmation and leaves. Morris taps the door as it closes and returns to his game with a big grin.)
Morris (as Mulder): Think she likes me, Tiger.
(Area 51 brig. Mulder - in hell - is lying on the cot in his cell. It appears that he has been listening to his cell mate for a LOOONG time.)
Lana Chee/Pilot: So there I am with this wet-behind-the-ears Rio flying back seat and I'm thinking, "hell, man I'm going to give this cherry the ride of his life." So I'm putting the spurs to her, you know? And I'm doing a little hassling with my wingman, Buzzsaw. Now, Buzzsaw . . .
Mulder (as Morris): Hey, Maverick would you mind?
Lana Chee/Pilot: Hold up. Buzzsaw gets on my zero. He's right on my zero. And when Buzzsaw gets on your zero . . .
Mulder (as Morris): Maverick?
Lana Chee/Pilot: . . . he's like a damn dog tick.
Mulder (as Morris): Maverick?
Lana Chee/Pilot: You ain't shaking that son of a gun.
Mulder (as Morris): (really frustrated) Hey, Grandma Top Gun, will you shut the hell up?!
Jeff: Morry, if you were running a scam on the FBI why didn't you let us in on it?
Mulder (as Morris): (faking it) I didn't know if I could trust you. We have a security leak, gentlemen, and for all I knew it was one of you. That's why I decided I should approach Agent Scully alone to find out who her contact is. Unfortunately, her partner Agent (said with disgust) Mulder screwed everything up.
Howard: So why didn't you tell us all this afterward?
Mulder (as Morris): I knew that you wouldn't believe it until you figured it out for yourself.
Howard: So the real flight data recorder is safe?
Mulder (as Morris): Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Howard: And you will bring it back?
Mulder (as Morris): (laughing) Of course.
(In Mulder's apartment, Morris tries to open a closed door. Nothing happens. He tries again. Nothing. He pulls really hard. The door pops open and several boxes and porno magazines fall out. The room is completely filled waist high with boxes, old furniture and papers.)
Morris (as Mulder): This guy hasn't been laid in ten years.
Joanne: I've heard enough from you for one lifetime, Morris. Go tell it to that tramp of yours, that Scully, whatshername.
Mulder (as Morris): Dana Scully - Special Agent Dana Scully.
Joanne: Special Tramp Dana Scully.
Mulder (as Morris): My name is not Morris Fletcher. It's Fox Mulder. Special Agent Fox Mulder with the FBI. Dana Scully is my FBI partner. I am not your husband, we are not married, we are complete strangers and I have a whole other life that I'm desperately trying to get back to.
Joanne: You know, Morris, most men when they have a mid-life crisis they go out and buy themselves a sports car. They don't run around calling themselves Fox.
Morris (as Mulder): You like, huh? Yeah, I thought it was time I stopped living like a frat boy. Come on and see the rest of the place. Over there.
Scully: I didn't even know you had a bedroom.
(Lying on the bed - They're looking up at the overhead mirror. The reflection shows Mulder and Scully.)
Scully: Mulder . . .
Mulder (as Morris as Mulder): Maybe I like to read the New York Times backwards.
Morris (as Mulder): Do you hate it?
Scully: (pause) No, I don't hate it.
Scully: Do you know what would really be fun?
Morris (as Mulder): What?
(She dangles her handcuffs in front of him.)
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, yeah. Me first?
Scully: You first.
(Morris takes the handcuffs and puts one end on his left wrist and the other around the bedpost.)
Morris (as Mulder): First time. Now what?
(Turns in anticipation back to Scully. His look quickly turns to panic when he sees her pointing her gun at him.)
Scully: You're not Mulder.
Morris (as Mulder): What?
(Champagne bottle still in his lap pops open.)
Morris (as Mulder): Baby . . .
Scully: (aiming a little lower) "Baby" me and you'll be peeing through a catheter.
Morris (as Mulder): As far as I'm concerned this thing is a gift from heaven. Besides, no one is ever going to believe you so you might as well just get used to me being here.
Scully: Or I just shoot you . . . Baby.
Morris (as Mulder): Can't we start over? You know, do that thing with the handcuffs?
(Scully holds up and cocks her gun.)
Morris (as Mulder): Probably not your scene.
Morris (as Mulder): What, are you, like, disgruntled?
General Wegman: You make me sound like some postal clerk. What you came for is on the floor by your feet.
(Joanne throws her glass of wine in Mulder's face.)
Jeff: Hey, hey, whoa, guys. Guys. What the hell was that, Morry?
Mulder (as Morris): I guess I make a lousy husband.
Mulder (as Morris): So you're the guy that wants my life. I assume that includes all the ass-kickings.
(Mulder locks the bathroom door.)
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, no . . . You don't want to do this.
(Mulder slams Morris up against the wall.)
Mulder (as Morris): Yeah, I do.
(General Wegman ducks into the men's room. He paces for a moment then looks up to see Mulder and Morris peeping over the stall wall.)
Mulder (as Morris): Hey.
General Wegman: Hey.
(Mulder is carrying a brown paper bag across the parking lot.)
Jeff: Morris . . . Stop.
Mulder (as Morris): Hey, guys.
Jeff: What's in the bag, Morris?
Mulder (as Morris): It's, uh . . . Beer.
General Wegman: You sure it's not a flight data recorder?
Mulder (as Morris): No, it's beer.
(Jeff looks in the bag. It is beer. They all look up to see a car driving off. Mulder nods at Wegman. The car contains Scully and Morris with the flight data recorder.)
Morris (as Mulder): (in the car, chuckling) Suckers.
(Lone Gunmen Office. Frohike is serving huevos rancheros to Byers and Langly. Very domestic little scene.)
Langly: Mmm. More huevos rancheros.
Frohike: Mas huevos rancheros.
Byers: Por favor.
Byers: (to Morris) Where did you get this?
Scully: Groom Lake. Outside Area 51.
Frohike: Dreamland.
Langly: The Aurora spy plane.
Morris (as Mulder): (leans down close to Frohike) Trust me, little man, I ain't him. Oh, I love you guys. I really do. I mean, you're the "Lone Gunmen," aren't you? You guys are my heroes. I mean, look at this crap you print.
Langly: You're trying to say that Saddam Hussein's a government plant?
Morris (as Mulder): I'm saying I invented the guy. We set him up in '79. He rattles his saber whenever we need a good distraction. Ah . . . If you boys only knew how many of your stories I dreamed up while sitting on the pot.
Frohike: What stories?
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, I'm sorry, Melvin, that's classified.
Frohike: (threatening him with spatula) The name's Frohike, you punk ass. What the hell did you do with Mulder?
Mulder (as Morris): What is the truth?
General Wegman: You mean . . . You don't know?
Mulder (as Morris): Don't know what?
General Wegman: The truth - what *is* going on here at Area 51? What are these black-budget projects? We just fly these birds. They don't tell us what makes them go. They engineer them all up in Utah.
Mulder (as Morris): Well, if you don't know, why'd you call me?
General Wegman: Well, I . . . I've seen your file. You've chased flying saucers for years. (really asking him) Do aliens really exist, Agent Mulder?
(Mulder just stares at him.)
Morris (as Mulder): You're going to miss me when I'm gone.
Frohike: Fat chance, laughing boy.
Morris (as Mulder): Back off, Sneezy.
Scully: (stepping between them) Enough. Call me when you guys have some answers.
(Two guys and a girl walking come upon a white mailbox all by itself.)
Guy 1: Ah, far out. The black mailbox.
Guy 2: Dude, that's a white mailbox.
Guy 1: No, they painted it white to hide it. This is the black mailbox. The best place to see Freedom Mountain and the UFOs over Dreamland, man.
(Scully and Morris pull up beside Mulder's car. Scully gets out and joins Mulder about twenty feet away. Morris stays in the car.)
Mulder (as Morris): You don't look too happy. Don't tell me I'm going to have to put two kids through school.
Scully: (hesitantly) That is you in there, Mulder, isn't it? (Mulder nods) I, uh . . . I just got off the phone with Frohike. They were able to download and analyze the crash data and, yes, there was an anomalous event that night.
Mulder (as Morris): And how do I get back?
Scully: Well, that's just it. It's all about random moments in time . . . About a series of variables approaching an event horizon. And even if we . . . could recreate that moment if we could sabotage another craft . . . Mulder, if we were . . . If we were off . . . If the event were off by even one millisecond . . .
Mulder (as Morris): I might wind up with my head in a rock.
Scully: Something like that, yeah.
(Long pause.)
Mulder (as Morris): What about him? I mean, me. Whatever. Whoever he is.
Scully: Agent Mulder has become AD Kersh's new golden boy. He's been tasked with returning the flight data recorder that he and I stole. The son of a bitch confesses to Kersh even more than I do to my priest. I'm just tagging along for the ride.
Mulder (as Morris): What do you mean, "just tagging along"?
Scully: I'm out of the Bureau. I've been censured and relieved of my position.
Mulder (as Morris): No. You can explain it to them like you explained it to me. You have the data. You can make them understand. You can get your job back.
(Scully looks at him with affection. His response was completely different from Morris' fake sympathy when she told him.)
Scully: I'd kiss you if you weren't so damn ugly.
(Mulder smiles at her and nods. Morris honks the horn at them.)
Morris (as Mulder): (yelling out the window) Take a picture-- it'll last longer.
(Mulder and Scully pause a moment as they look over at the car.)
Mulder (as Morris): (through clenched teeth) If I . . . shoot him is that murder or suicide?
Scully: Neither, if I do it first.
(Scully squeezes his arm in farewell, then walks toward the car. Mulder stops her.)
Mulder (as Morris): Hey, Scully . . .
(Mulder holds out his closed hand to her. She holds out her palm. He pours a handful of sunflower seeds into her hand, then takes one back and puts it in his mouth. They look at each other. Mulder sadly watches as Scully gets in the car and it drives away.)
Attendant: Can I help you, ma'am?
Scully: I don't understand. This-this place was burnt to the ground.
Attendant: I don't think so.
Scully: Yeah . . . This place, two nights ago.
Attendant: I think I'd remember that.
Scully: (to Mulder) I have to talk to you alone.
Joanne: (to Scully) Homewrecker!
Morris (as Mulder): So this is time snapping back?
Mulder (as Morris): It'll be like the last few days never happened. You won't remember any of this.
Morris (as Mulder): Oh. Well, in that case, Dana . . . It's been real.
(Morris slaps Scully on the butt. Mulder glares at him. Wave passes over them. Scully grips Mulder's hand. He is wearing clothing from last episode.)
Scully: Come on, Mulder. Let's go.
(Mulder's apartment building. Mulder gets out of the elevator just as his cell phone rings.)
Mulder: Mulder.
Scully: Mulder, it's me. I just wanted to let you know that we slipped under Kersh's radar. Our little field trip to Nevada went unnoticed.
Mulder: Oh, yeah?
Scully: Mulder, I'm sorry that your confidential source didn't pan out.
Mulder: Well, I guess you were right, Scully. Just another crackpot who watches too much Star Trek.
Scully: Good night.
Mulder: Hey, Scully? I, uh, know it's not your normal life, but . . . Thanks for coming out there with me.
Scully: You're welcome.
(After Mulder walks into his apartment, he reopens his door and looks at the number on the door to make sure that it is his.)
6x04 6x06
