Ayant Seulement L'Imagination

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm  
http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html  
http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html  

Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope; Vernal Equinox; Bits of Broken Glass; What it's Not; Ayant Seulement L'Imagination

My thanks to Ruth, Katy, Lisa, Mary, Claire, and to all the people who gave me suggestions and helped me make some decisions. Keep the faith and above all things, trust in me and in the direction I've taken.  There is a purpose, and in time, I hope you'll recognize it. Thanks.

Ayant Seulement L'Imagination
(Having Only Fantasy Left)
By Jordan
jturner36@juno.com 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world was on fire
No one could save me but you
Strange what desire
Will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world will only break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world will only break your heart)
With you
- Chris Isaak
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She'd be very disappointed in him if she knew. Wonder what became of all that work with his therapist, Mary. Ask him why he had regressed so much, why he retreated into himself every night. She'd recoil, too, if she were close to him, because she'd see it in his eyes. Smell it on him. The thing was, she didn't know. And she never would.

Oh, he never did it by day. He never had. But at night, he went home to the temptation and promises of his liquid mistress. She was always waiting for him to open her. Waiting to own his hands and his lips, to numb his body and his mind. Waiting to consume him as he consumed her. 

Promising to deaden his pain. Always promising. Always deceiving him.

When Doug woke up, her effect on him was gone, but her hazy specter lingered. He forced himself out of bed and turned on the shower before he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like hell.

The only good thing in his life right now was his desire to work again with kids. Out of desperation, seeking some meaning in his life, he had summoned up the courage to ask. He went to Alan Biske's office one afternoon in between road trips with a sleeve of golf balls. Alan greeted him warmly and accepted Doug's token gift.

"Thanks, Doug. I end up losing more balls than I sink, so I'm always happy to have more. "

"No problem. I don't get out as much as I'd like, you know, so I just thought...." Doug waved his hand and smiled.

"What brings you here today? Things going well for you?"

"Um hmm," Doug assured him quickly, "things are fine. I'm...the implementation process is going well except for Dallas and Green Bay. Those two facilities, the people there are resistant, they're coming up with their own studies that they say will prove that they're treating kids just fine. And maybe they are," he conceded. "But I think my plan and the protocol I've developed would be better."

"Well, obviously the company does as well."

Nodding, Doug hesitated and Alan pressed him again. "Anything else you need?"

"Yeah. Yes, there is." Doug looked at Alan directly. 

"Well, sit down," Alan replied.

Doug sat, elbows perched on his knees, leaning into Alan's desk. He gathered his thoughts and forged ahead, his voice quiet yet authoritative. "I'm not going to lie to you. I like my job, and I like the fact that I can potentially help thousands of kids across the country by making safe, effective, kid-friendly emergency rooms for them. That's good, that's a good thing. But...where I think I'm...where I think my ability lies, what I think I'm best at is treating kids. I miss that. I want to be able to do that again." 

Alan frowned. "Doug, are you telling me that you're leaving?"

He shook his head vigorously. "No. No, I'm not. I'm saying I want something a little different." Doug waited for affirmation, but got none. 

Alan cleared his throat before responding. "I don't know how we could change your responsibilities at this point. I mean, your function in this company is to evaluate and create pedes emergency rooms and to consult and advise the hospitals during their transition period.  That's what you were hired to do."

"I know," Doug agreed. "And I want to keep doing that. But right here, we have opportunities for me to do both, I think. First off, the medical school has lots of students who need direction, who need supervision in the hospital. I'd like to be a part of that, so that when they leave, when they're matched, they can take what I can teach them and know how to do a better job treating kids. Secondly, I've been doing some research on pediatric hospice care here in Portland.  Beth was helping me at one point."

"Beth Lasko?" Alan asked.

"Yeah, she got some legal information from other hospitals in the country, and from some hospices. There's a real void, a real need for it. I want to work with other departments, with pedes and oncology, cardiology, neuro, legal, to see how we can sponsor hospice care for kids. Or, if none of that can happen, I would love to work in the ER on some Saturdays. If nothing else, I would love that," he said, his voice softly trailing off.

Alan leaned back in his chair and exhaled. "I don't know. I'd have to run it by a lot of people, Doug. I would hate for your energy to be diverted away from your primary responsibility."

"It wouldn't. I have plenty of time on the road, time to plan and to contact people. Time to gather more information. I...it wouldn't interfere. It wouldn't," he assured Alan.

"Let me throw this around at next Monday's meeting. I'll talk to Dr. Phillips, she's...."

"Head of pedes, I know," Doug interjected.

"Right, and I'll talk to Beth as well."

"Good. Great. Uh...." Doug hesitated, grimacing, "Beth hasn't been on board...she hasn't done much work on this in the last month or so, but she gave me her stuff and I can...."

"I'll talk to her, thanks, Doug," Alan said, almost dismissing him.

"Great," Doug repeated. He got up and extended his arm over the desk. "Thanks," he said, shaking Alan's hand. He turned around and was about to leave, when Alan stopped him.

"Here's a thought: You're part of the team that's going on the annual incentive trip to Hawaii. Why don't you work in your idea about hospice in your presentation about the progress of the pedes ERs?"

"What trip?" Doug asked, feeling somewhat baffled.

"Didn't you get the memo this morning?"

"Uh, no I haven't been past my office yet. I came straight here."

"Go read it. When you present, talk about your idea."

Doug nodded, feeling a bit like he was being set up, without any good reason to feel that way. "Okay. In the meantime...?"

"I'll talk to Dr. Phillips, and then we'll talk more."

"Okay, thanks." Doug walked out and made his way down the hall, hands in pockets. He snooped around on Patti's desk and finally found a stack of mail, still unsorted, and walked into his office with it. It was at the bottom of the pile. Three days in Hawaii.

He frowned. It was the kind of thing he loathed. One more obligation, one more reason to force him to leave the seclusion of his current life. Evidently, they did this every year they turned a profit. This year was no exception. Doug looked at the memo again and sighed.  Couldn't he just stay at home instead of going to Hawaii? "No," Alan would say, "because you're presenting on the success of pediatric emergency rooms in our hospitals."

Doug crumpled the paper, tossed it on the floor, and leaned back in his chair, watching the rain outside. It wasn't just the trip that bothered him. It was everything. His work was unfulfilling. One meeting after another, hostile attendings to deal with, egos to dodge. He, being one who had never cared about power or position, was disgusted with the doctors he came across each and every day. They held onto their titles and census figures as if they were stashes of gold. Never putting the needs of the children first.

Then, there was the situation with Beth. After their last conversation, he'd avoided spending any time with her. He needed to limit his involvement with her, he felt, because she muddied up his mind. She made it too hard for him to sort out his feelings. Basically, she made him feel guilty. Guilty for seeking out her friendship, for making him feel as though he was using her, taking advantage of her. He knew she had feelings for him that extended far beyond friendship, and he hated to lead her on. 

Was he attracted to her? Yes, he would admit to himself, he was. She was as beautiful and as friendly and fun as any woman he'd known.  There was a freshness to her, a quality that was hard to define. Something that made him want to stay around her. There was vulnerability, too, in her, a way she had of being so honest and forthright and defenseless that it made him want to open himself up to her.

Was he attracted to her? Yes. Could he pursue her? Ah, that was his dilemma. For his spirit needed soothing, his arms needed to be filled.

Yet pain and turmoil had woven itself so deeply into his being that he knew he was of no use to anyone right now. It was as if his heart had been taken away and chained, locked up in some sort of prison, out of his reach. Out of anyone's reach. 

Anyone's except for the one he'd left behind, the rightful owner.

So, he stopped calling, stopped visiting her office. He became unapproachable at work, to where the only person he interacted with was his secretary, Patti. She noticed the change, but discreetly remained quiet. Even as she waited for his self-destruction.

Doug turned his chair around and looked toward his office door. Patti was there, smiling.

"Welcome back, Doug. I've missed you while you've been gone. That had to be the longest you've ever been on the road." 

"I think you're right. I liked Dallas. It was sunny. Very sunny."

"You haven't gotten used to this rain yet, have you?" she asked.

He chuckled. "I don't want to get used to it. There's something unnatural about the lack of sun."

"It's what keeps us looking so young. The constant humidity does wonders for the wrinkles," Patti joked.

"Wrinkles? I don't see any wrinkles on your face," Doug retorted.

"You're just being nice because you want coffee and you know I won't get it for you," Patti taunted, although his cup was plainly in her grasp.

"Can I beg?"

She laughed, walking over and handing his cup to him. "Please, do. My husband's out of town and I haven't heard enough begging this week."

"Thanks," he said, taking a sip. "So, Beth? What's the deal with this trip?"

"Patti."

"Hmm?"

"I'm Patti. Beth is the one with the law degree."

"What?"

"You called me Beth."

He scratched his chin. "I did? Sorry, I guess I'm just not awake yet.  A bit more coffee," he explained as he lifted his cup again.

She sat across from him. "Oh, I don't know. The peons don't get to go. It's about thirty people or so, just the crème de la crème. They go to different places every year, give a few speeches. Mostly it's just for fun. If you need a companion, I'll ditch Rick and the kids. Just to be sure you have coffee in the morning," she added.

Doug laughed. "I'll let you know. Tell Rick I appreciate the loaner, even if you do have a few miles on you."

"You're crass, Doug," she grinned.

"Um hmm," he agreed. "So, I have to be in San Diego right before this Hawaii thing, right?"

"Right. I'll just have the travel agent book your flight from there, unless you want to fly back here first."

"No. Just book it from San Diego. Thanks, Patti."

"No problem. Let me know what else you might need, I have work to do." Patti began walking out of his office.

"Hey, Patti?"

"Hmm?" she asked, turning around.

"How many years have you and Rick been married?"

"Twenty-one."

"Twenty-one years," he echoed. "That's...that's really great."

Patti smiled. "I think so, too," she agreed, and went out to her desk.

Doug smiled after her. She was a good woman. A good, nice woman. He sighed and opened his briefcase to begin another thrilling day in his life as an HMO executive.

It wasn't until 12:45 that he felt the rumbling in his stomach. Doug looked at his watch and was surprised to see the time. He opened his door and rapped his knuckles on Patti's desk. "I'm going out to grab a quick bite to eat. You want anything?"

"No, thanks, I've eaten. Have a good lunch," she answered.

"Okay." Doug walked through the office, past the myriad of desks and file cabinets. He paused at her office. The door was closed, but he could see through the sidelight. Beth and Alan Biske, eating lunch together. Laughing. By the time she looked up at the shadow outside of her door, he was gone.

*****

Doug's trip to San Diego was as successful a trip as he'd had all year.

He was warmly welcomed by a staff that embraced all things pediatric, much to his surprise. Just their reaction made him feel at ease immediately. When it was time to leave, he shook hands all around and sped to the airport to board his plane to Hawaii. He should have been thrilled that he was going, but he wasn't. Maybe it was the prospect of spending even more time on the road, or maybe it was because he knew Beth would be there. He wanted to set things right between the two of them, but he knew he'd used up all his chances with her. Doug wasn't sure if she would be cordial or cold. The uncertainty made him edgy.

He arrived at the hotel in the late afternoon. The bellboy showed him to a magnificent beachside room, with a stunning ocean view. Doug looked around, quite pleased with what he saw. He was due to speak at dinner, so he put the finishing touches on his Power Point presentation, showered and dressed in a dark gray suit before heading down to the lounge for a drink.

The bar was crowded with familiar faces. After greeting several coworkers, he sat at the bar and ordered Chivas, straight up. While he waited for his drink, he looked around for her. There was a band tucked away in the corner playing jazz and a few people were dancing, gingerly avoiding each other's sunburned skin. He saw her immediately, out on the dance floor, laughing. In Alan Biske's arms. 

To say that she looked beautiful wouldn't be an adequate enough description. She wore an ankle-length, cream-colored dress, cut low in the back. It clung provocatively to her body. He'd never seen her dressed this way. Beth's short hair was shiny and full, and her eyes sparkled noticeably, even from a distance. 

Alan held her close, his right hand caressing her back lightly. The two of them danced effortlessly as their bodies moved to the rhythm of the music. Doug knit his brow reflexively, watching as Alan held her far too long after the music stopped, lingering over her.

Turning away, he set his drink on the bar and began walking outside.  He stopped only when he heard an announcement that dinner was being served in the main dining room. Doug turned and followed the crowd, studiously avoiding her.

He was not particularly hungry and scarcely touched his food. While coffee was being served, he half-listened to the president and C.E.O. as he droned on about what a stellar year it had been for the corporation.

He was still in a daze when he was cued that it was his turn to speak. Doug got up and made his way to the front of the room, wishing he could walk out the door and hop on the next plane home.

Settling uncomfortably behind the podium, he looked out at his expectant coworkers. It struck him, then, how few of them he knew. He'd been with them over seven months, yet he'd held himself apart from all of them, save Beth. 

Beth was there with the rest of them, waiting. She hadn't seen him in so long that she smiled at the sight of him. Does he realize how he looks in that suit? How attractive the gray in his hair is? How captivating his eyes are, deep and so full of meaning? 

"I feel like I've hardly seen him this past month," Alan commented.

Beth turned to him. "What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."

"I was just saying it's been a long time since he's been in the office."

"Yeah," Beth whispered back, waiting for Doug to get settled.

She tried to catch his eye and smile, but he never looked at her as he began speaking.

"Good evening. Many of you know me as the guy who's never around." He smiled as they laughed quietly. "I'm Doug Ross. I came to this company in March and have traveled around the country to hospitals affiliated with our HMO. Now, to most of the staff at those hospitals, I'm an administrator. Little do they know. What I am is a pediatrician.

"Now, pediatrics isn't a prestigious specialty. Maybe it has something to do with the dirty diapers," he joked. They laughed again. "For a doctor, the salary is low, the hours are miserable, and you get spit up on a lot. So, why do we do it? Well, if you ever have the opportunity to hold a newborn baby, all soft and screaming, in your hands, then you'll know why. 

"Healthcare, providing healthcare services, is about helping the most vulnerable among us, whether they are 8 days or 8 months or 88 years old. Why are children vulnerable? In talking with staff and parents around the country, I've heard stories of insensitivity to the fears of children, of doctors using the wrong size ET tube because they couldn't find a pediatric one. I've seen attendings undermedicate for pain because they didn't know any better. I've had mothers cry as they told me about hearing their child suffer in pain because medication was withheld from them. And these are things that should never happen.

"This year, our HMO has become the leader in consumer satisfaction.  We've been more profitable and had more revenue than any other national hospital organization. Part of that satisfaction is with parents who've visited our pediatric emergency rooms and who've experienced, first-hand, what a difference they can make."

Doug went on for twenty minutes, speaking of the progress the hospitals had made and the need for continued support to assure the HMO stayed competitive and held down costs while providing the best care possible. He spoke as well about new horizons for the Portland-based hospital, about the need for hospice care for the children. Beth was surprised at how at-ease he appeared. He finished his presentation and received a round of applause. Smiling, he walked to his seat long enough to pick up his drink, then walked out of the room, never feeling Beth's eyes as they followed him.

He stopped at the bar long enough to get another drink, then sat outside on a bench, looking up at all the stars in the sky. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her. As she walked over to him, he looked at her appreciatively once again. Her dress contrasted beautifully with her dark hair. 

She sat next to him, patted his arm and said, "Nice speech."

"Thanks." He smiled and moved over to make room for her.

"I haven't seen you in a while. How've you been?"

"Great. You?"

"I've been fine, thanks."

"It's really something, this place, isn't it?"

"It is," she responded. "It's beautiful. So, what's new with you?"

"Nothing earth-shattering," he fibbed, not wanting to talk about anything personal. They stared out at the ocean, avoiding each other, until he quietly asked, "So, Beth...you and Alan?" 

She gave him an odd look. "Me and Alan what?"

"Well, I saw you in your office in Portland, and now here, you seem...you were dancing pretty close. Are you dating him?"

"Yes, we're dating," she answered carefully.

"So why are you out here instead of in there, dancing with him again?"

His comment irked her. "Just because we're dating, it doesn't mean we spend every moment together. He has things to do inside. I wanted to come out here and relax a bit."

Doug looked past her, almost disregarding her words. "Be careful.  That guy, he's just...I think he's hangin' around, waitin' for your guard to be down...."

"Excuse me?" 

Doug looked up. Beth's eyes blazed with anger.

"You have no idea what you're talking about," she insisted

"He talked about you weeks ago. He just wants to get into your pants," Doug replied coolly.

Beth stared at him defiantly. "That's not the case at all. And even if he did, so what?"

He shrugged. "So, I just don't think his intentions are good."

"And why would you care? You're not my court-appointed guardian."

Doug stubbornly answered, "No, no, I didn't say I was. I just don't want you to...." 

She leaned in, hushing him instantly, hissing at him. "Hey, I don't care what you want. Do you understand that I don't want your opinion?"

"I guess so. I just...this thing with Alan happened pretty fast, that's all. I'm just surprised, is all. I thought you might have told me about it. I mean, that whole thing with Glenn, that's the last thing I knew and now this. It just happened so soon."

"Doug, do you understand how conflicted I was? You didn't call, you never called and I really needed someone, after Glenn left. Alan was...he asked me out and I was so alone, I said yes. It's turned out to be great so far. And if you recall, you've been rather scarce."

He swallowed hard. "I wanted to call you, see you. I wish I'd been given a chance to...."

Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she jerked back, away from him. "Oh, no. Don't give me that. The last I heard, the last thing you told me was that you didn't want to see so much of me. You told me that  seeing me made you feel disloyal to her. So, I gave you space. Now, you want me to put my life on hold, waiting for you? Doug, I cannot live my life according to your whims. I can't, and I won't do it."

He put his arm on the back of the bench and leaned closer to her, wanting to make his case. "Beth, it's not that I didn't want to see you. It's just that I was hoping...I was hoping she would...."

"Yeah, I know what you were hoping," she interrupted. "I'm sorry. But my life isn't on hold while you wait for her. My life can't be dictated by her."

"It's not," he protested.

"You're right. It's not," she shouted angrily.

"Lower your voice," he implored.

Beth was furious now. "Like hell I will. What do you think, you can hold me in your pocket until you're ready for me? Until you decide you're not waiting for Carol anymore? And in the meantime, you think you can comment on what YOU think is right for MY life?" 

He winced, hearing her name. The name that was once a symphony for his heart, that he now refused to say, even inside his head. Feeling chagrined, he fell silent, holding his hand up, stopping her onslaught of words. "You're right, I guess I have no right to...it's just that I -- I'm not that objective about it." He drained his glass and looked at her briefly. "I care about you, Beth."

She shook her head in disbelief. "You *care* about me. I haven't seen you in a month. After Glenn, after I slept with Glenn, you come over, we talk, and then the next day, the next week, since then, you act as if I have some kind of contagious disease. You avoided me at work, you never called me at home or on the weekend. Doug, I know you're not interested in me, romantically. So, my romantic life, such as it is, is not your business. Not yours to discuss, speculate on, or worry about. I could screw Alan Biske on the beach in front of you, and it's none of your damned business." Angry, she got up abruptly and headed back in to the party, never seeing the hurt on his face.

Alan caught sight of her, walking toward him in a huff. "Beth, is there something wrong?"

She dismissed him quickly. "No, nothing. Nothing at all. Just a heated conversation with someone. I'm okay."

And she ordered another drink and drank it swiftly, vainly trying to cool her anger.

*****

As he let himself into his room, he cursed under his breath, thinking about how horribly he'd treated her. He hadn't meant to say those things, really. They were just a manifestation of an even bigger hurt brewing within him. He walked over to the phone and dialed room service.

"Yes, hi, this is room 119. Can I get a bottle of Chivas delivered here? Ten minutes is fine, thanks," he said, before carefully replacing the receiver. Doug stared at the phone for a while, thinking that he should leave a message for her, apologize to her, but he thought better of it and decided not to. Not tonight, anyway.

Doug hung up his jacket in the closet, removed his tie, and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. Stopping in the bathroom long enough to roll up his sleeves and splash his face, he heard the knock on the door and opened it, accepting the bottle with a smile and a tip. He opened it and filled a glass.

Walking out onto the patio, he carefully placed his drink down and lit the small candle on the table beside him before sinking into the chaise. The plush cushion molded to his body, and it would have been very comfortable, but for its stickiness. Salt from the ocean breeze, he realized. He sat back and closed his eyes, breathing in the richness of the night air. She would have loved it here. She would have, he thought. Then he stopped himself. He was always stopping himself nowadays. As he sat in blackness, he felt small and insignificant near the sound of the ocean. He'd felt this way sometimes in Chicago, near the lake at night or in winter. Yet, he never felt like this when he was in her arms. There, he had felt loved and cherished and wanted.

She was so beautiful, in his mind. He needed her. The softness of her skin, the beauty of her face. Her hands cradling him, reaching for him. Her body, her eyes, her heart. She was his sanctuary. 

God, she was everything. 

She must still love me, he thought, because I love her so very much. It's her pride, her stubbornness. Her hurt kept her from him. The thing he loved about her most of all was her most persistent fault. How many women had intrigued him for so long? 

No other. 

The fire within her had seared his heart, the passion that she possessed, her gentle nature, all this made her the master of his soul.

Did she know the power she wielded over him? Could she understand how completely he belonged to her? How his world had exploded into chaos, how his heart was barren without her? In his life, no matter what the future might hold, he would love no woman as he loved her. Of that he was certain.

The hours went by and the lights shining from the windows that flanked his room went out, one after the other. He closed his eyes, thinking he should stop drinking and go to sleep, but he knew he couldn't. Not tonight. When he opened his eyes, he saw a figure before him, walking by the water's edge. He couldn't see her face; in fact, she was barely discernable in the darkness. But the cream-colored dress stood out against the dark ocean and he recognized her walk, the way her hand pushed her thick hair away from her face. His eyes followed her as she slowly made her way across the beach. Doug had half expected her to be with Alan tonight. So, he was surprised to see her walking alone. 

As she came closer to his line of sight, he saw that she was not just walking, but dancing. Skipping and twirling along the shore, totally unaware that anyone would be watching. He thought he'd heard her laugh out loud as she kicked at the surf. Doug was certain the bottom of her gown was wet, and found it amazing that she wouldn't care about it. He watched, smiling to himself. It was a rare opportunity to see her joyful, to see her unrestrained and happy. 

Beth stopped suddenly and stared. The flicker of a candle on a patio caught her eye and she saw his face dimly in the reflected light. She walked up the beach slowly, feeling at once embarrassed and bold.

"Doug?"

"Hey."

"What are you doing?"

He grinned. "Watchin' you."

"Oh, man," she giggled as she smiled back and approached his patio. "So, how much did you see?"

"Everything."

"I'm not going to apologize for acting like a lunatic," she declared.

Doug laughed. "Don't. It was nice to watch."

Beth wrinkled her nose. "Now I'll have to pay you to keep it quiet." She looked at him and her smile slowly evaporated as she became more serious. 

Doug grinned. "Okay. You wanna have a drink?"

"What are you drinking?"

"Chivas."

"Sure." 

Doug got up to get a glass and motioned for her to sit down. She did, plopping into the adjacent chair, letting her shoes fall from her hand onto the concrete.

She turned slightly, enough to see him in his room, and she took him in. He moved slowly, but with purpose. She watched his hands momentarily, noticing the masculine beauty of them as he poured her drink. He refilled his as well, and came back out, placing her glass in her hand. 

"I'm sorry I was so rude, before..." he began.

"Don't worry about it. I was pretty rude myself," she replied.

Doug waved her off. "A toast," he offered.

"Yes? To what?"

"To your new-found happiness."

Beth regarded him quietly, then their glasses met and she saw his eyes were dark and glassy. 

"Have you been drinking long?"

"Yup. Long and often. You?" he retorted.

"No. Not that often. I haven't seen you at the gym, I've been a little concerned."

Doug looked down at his hands. "Ah, I gave that up. I, uh, I'm saving money so that her...so the baby has something from me. So I'm not a total asshole," he spat bitterly.

Beth raised her eyebrows at his tone. "You've talked to her, then? You're sending money?"

"No-o-o-o. I've set up a bank account and I'm putting money into it."

"You won't call, then?"

"No. It's gone on this long. She's...." Doug's voice became husky with emotion, but he continued. "She's out of my life now, she's moved on. And...I don't want to talk about her anymore."

Beth nodded. His drunken demeanor disturbed her. "Doug, I don't
mind if you talk about Carol, I...."

"I mind," he interjected forcefully.

Closing her eyes against his anger, she relented. "Okay. Okay. Doug, you seem pretty miserable here. Hawaii is beautiful, let yourself enjoy it."

Doug drank deeply from his glass and looked out at the ocean. "I'm just...I don't want to be around a crowd. If I could go home tonight, I would."

"I doubt the airline would let you on, really, in your state," she taunted him gently.

"Drunk, you mean? Yeah," he agreed. Doug glanced over at her, then down at his drink. "I know I haven't asked in a while, I mean we haven't talked. How did everything work out with Glenn? And, are you...how's Alan?"

"It's all over with Glenn. You know," she began, "it was really hard, having the courage to walk away from him, especially after the intimacy we shared. Then it was hard letting Alan even have a chance. He's been kind and fun and wonderful. There's no pressure with him, it's just one day at a time. Tonight you, what you said, you hurt me. You made it sound as if Alan's some predator, waiting for poor, unsuspecting Beth to be naïve enough to let him screw her. Give me more credit than that, would you, Doug?"

Bowing to her gentle admonishment, he looked over at her and his face was contrite and sweet. "Don't get all mad. You're right," he said quietly. "But, you know, I just want to caution you, if you do decide to be intimate with him here in Hawaii, you shouldn't screw on the beach. Just one grain of sand in the wrong spot and it ruins it for the both of you."  

Beth stared at him and then laughed. "Have you ever?"

"Ever what?"

"Screwed on the beach?"

He let out a deep chuckle. "Um hmm."

"Really? With who?"

"I'm not gonna tell you, you wouldn't even know her," Doug protested mildly.

"Oh, c'mon!" she insisted. "Tell me!"

Doug grinned wickedly. "Her name was Linda."

"So, did you and Linda do it on the shores of Lake Michigan?"

"Hell, no. In the Bahamas."

Beth's eyes got wide. "During the day?"

"No, at night."

She giggled. "Sand problems?"

"How do you think I know about that?" he retorted.

"God, that's amazing. Really. So, any other exotic locales?" 

Settling back, he looked up into the night sky, thinking. "Uh, let's see. Once in a barn with Bonnie Mc-McSomething. Not glamorous.  The hay, it sorta...it's not comfortable. Behind the bleachers at school with a senior. I was a sophomore, so that was something. It was cold, then, I was young, didn't know what I was doing," he laughed.  "Once...once on the rooftop of the, uh, of the...hospital." His smile disintegrated slowly, then he bent his head. The silence was drowned out only by the waves crashing against the shore.

She hid her face in her hands. "Oh, man. I am a boring woman. I've never done it anywhere exotic."

He turned to her, surprised. "Glenn wasn't adventurous?"

"Adventurous? No. At least not with me," she tossed out. "I probably wasn't on the top of his list of great lovers."

Doug shook his head in disbelief. "Why would you say something like that?"

"I dunno," she admitted, embarrassed. "Maybe because he always looked for it elsewhere." Her hand went back up to her face and she rubbed her eyes. 

Hating to hear her put herself down like this, he reached over to her and squeezed her arm, getting her attention. "You know, at the risk of me being...um, of me -- saying -- something that might upset you, I imagine Glenn didn't feel that way." He became soft-spoken. "I bet he adored you, Beth. And Alan will, too, if he gets the chance." Their eyes met and she smiled gratefully.

"Well, no matter. Glenn's all in the past now, " she declared.

Doug leaned forward, interested. "You haven't heard anything from him since he was here?"

"No. We kind of...we sort of had it out the next morning. You know, when you came and I was trying to get rid of you? He said he loved me, he said he'd do anything to have me back. And, I love him. I know I still do, but you know what I saw? I saw a man who can never be faithful. I saw a lifetime of unhappiness and distrust and deception. So, I asked him not to contact me again. And I hope he can find happiness with his wife and his baby." Beth smiled wistfully, then held out her glass. "Hey, got any more of that Chivas?" 

"Hang on, I'll get it." Walking inside, he picked up the half-empty Chivas bottle. When he came back out to the patio, he sat down sideways on the chair, close to her, and she raised her eyes to his in anticipation. 

"As pissed off as I was at you before, I appreciate your sharing your liquor with me now," she giggled.

Doug poured her drink and refilled his glass, then placed the bottle on the table in between them. His voice was gentle. "You're very pretty when you laugh, Beth. And when you dance on the beach." 

His gaze was intense, and she was moved. "Thank you," she said softly. She thought about Alan, then, about how upset he might be if he called her tonight and she wasn't in her room. She thought about the last time she was away with Doug, drinking. 

And she felt as though that same combination of alcohol and the look in his eyes was too intriguing. "You know, maybe I shouldn't drink anymore. I mean, I'm just beat, Doug, I should get back to my room and go to sleep." She moved to leave.

He laid a hand over hers briefly, stilling her.

"Don't go...." 

Beth shook her head. "I should, Doug," she said resolutely. "What would Alan think if he saw us here, like this?"

"Stay," he implored quietly. "Please."

"I can't." she insisted.

Doug smiled sadly.

"What?" she repeated.

"I guess I screwed up our...friendship. You have an obligation to him, don't you?"

"I feel like right now, Alan's the only thing I have in my life that's even semi-secure."

"Don't say that. I'll always be here. In fact, I'm kinda sorry I drifted away. I've really...I've missed you. I've been lonely. I am lonely."

"But not lonely enough to call me, hmm?"

He let out a short, rueful laugh. "More than lonely enough."

"So, she's not here to ease it, and you now you look for me? Seven months, Doug. Can't you see beyond her?" she asked gently.

Sitting back in his chair, he worked on emptying his glass once again. "I can't even see her...in my mind anymore. I can't see her anymore. All I know is, she's gone, out of my life. She's gone. I don't want to talk about her anymore." His voice became quiet. "Beth, I am so empty without her," he confessed shyly.

His words touched her. "Doug? I'm sorry. I really am. I want to talk about this more, but I think I need to get back to my room."

When he turned to her, his eyes were desolate. "Don't leave. Please."

Beth sat back, scrutinizing him, and took a sip of her drink. She couldn't leave, she knew. Not yet. "I'll stay for a little while."

"Good. Good," he repeated, lightly tapping his thigh, turning away from her slightly. "So, I've been busy, Beth. I haven't called you because I'm...I'm thinking about a lot of things. I'm hoping to start working a few Saturdays in the ER, in pediatrics. I've been doing some more research on hospice. I'm-I'm thinking about starting to...I don't know, go out again. You know, find someone, go out. Have fun. See what happens."

"How about my friend, Joanne?" Beth reminded him. "I know she enjoyed your company."

When he turned to her, she saw a hint of uneasiness in his face. "I wasn't thinking of Joanne," he revealed. "Would you, do you think you and I could, you know, see each other, sort of...just spend time together again, you know, like before?" He lifted his eyebrows and his expression was so hopeful.

Beth's heart sank. He was serious. "Oh, Doug. Doug, I think that Alan.... I don't think he'd...even though you and I are just friends, I think Alan would have a hard time understanding."

"Oh." He was embarrassed, but tried not to show it. "Oh, yeah, I...that's right, I don't know, I don't know what I...."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Doug." 

He ducked his head, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. "No, don't be sorry. I'm just, you know, I'm an idiot. I'm trying to find out how to not be so...alone anymore. I mean, what scares me is that I think that right now, I have nothing to give anyway."

"It is scary. I know what you mean," she agreed.

Doug leaned back in his chair and thought a moment. "You know, I didn't really mean to screw up our friendship. When you told me about Glenn, I thought maybe there'd be a chance that you and he would reconcile. I wanted to give you some time to work that out."

"There's more, though. There always is with you."

"Yeah, there's more," he concurred. "This is going to sound...perverse, I think. It was easier for me to see you as a non-sexual being when I knew you were a non-sexual being."

"What are you talking about?"

"I could justify being around you because I knew that if I ever made any kind of...if I...I don't know, if I...." He struggled to find the right words.

"If you stepped over the line you'd drawn for yourself?" she offered.

"Yes, if I did that, I knew you'd stop me." His smile was bashful, yet knowing.

Beth's eyes narrowed as she unraveled his puzzle. "And so, once you knew I was with Glenn...."

"Well, then you went from a woman who doesn't...to a woman who does."

"You're right. That is perverse," she said dryly.

"Yeah, it's...I guess that was kinda dumb. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I can't let myself get close, again. To anyone. Give that much of myself again. I'm glad you're seeing Alan. I hope it works out for you."

"Doug, what's with you, though? You look awful. You're drinking too much, you've closed yourself off to everyone."

"Yeah. I don't know, Beth. Something's got to change. I can't live like this anymore. At home, I can't sleep. So, I...I drink too much. Hoping that'll put me out. But then the sun comes up and I'm awake. I don't like seeing the sunrise alone. I don't want to be alone in the morning anymore."

"I know." Beth smiled, understanding him. "There's something about facing a new day with someone. Makes you feel safe, somehow."

"Safe," he agreed. "All this coming from you, a dangerous woman."

"Dangerous?"

"Oh, yes."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you're beautiful and you're smart and fun. Few men can resist your charms." He looked for her reaction, but her eyes were closed.

"I can't hear things like that from you. I just can't."

"Then, I shouldn't say things like that?"

"No. Not really. Doug, it's no secret...." Beth held her head in her arms, trying to hide her face from him. "I always looked to you to hold back. God, I wanted you. And I knew you'd be the worst thing for me. Because you could make me lose myself. I'm not ready to lose myself in a man again. I'm not brave enough to fall in love yet. I always counted on you to keep me...to keep my emotions in check."

"Is that why...why Stuart and Alan...?"

"Um hmm. Nice enough. Safe enough."

"Safe," he murmured. "There's that word again. Hey, Beth? I know you're seeing Alan now, and I know that you and I won't, um, that we are just friends, but.... Would he mind very much if you stayed with me... to see the sunrise? If I promise to keep you safe?" he asked in a hushed voice. 

"Oh, Doug. There's nothing safe about you," she said honestly. "I can't. I have to go back. I'm going to go back to my room." Beth stood up and any color left in her face vanished.

"Beth? I don't think you're going to make it."

"I need to go, please, I just need to go," she said.

"I know, but I don't think you can." Doug went to help her. "I'm just gonna take you to lie down." She walked unsteadily, leaning on him for support. "C'mere, c'mon, darlin'. Right here," he said soothingly as he led her inside.

Her head was swimming and she could barely see straight. She felt his strong arms holding her up. "Are you taking me to your bed, Doug?"

"To sleep," he clarified warmly.

"To sleep?" Beth turned to him and her eyes were soft as they searched his. 

"To sleep," he whispered again. He tilted his head to one side, regarding her seriously. He was taken by her femininity, her perfume.  By how soft and round she felt against him. "We need to get you to sleep," he said, reminding himself. His right hand moved to her back, just above her dress, on to the warmth of her skin. His other hand played with her hair, smoothing it. He waited just like that, waiting for her to push him away. Waiting for her to stop him, but she didn't.

She relaxed into him, eyes closed, floating. Feeling neither afraid nor anxious with him. Doug cupped her face with his hand and, closing his eyes, kissed her tenderly. Tentatively. She went limp against him and moaned sweetly. She didn't move, but kept her eyes closed, anticipating his next kiss, feeling his breath come rapidly. When she opened them again, she saw he had turned his face away from hers, and he was distressed.

"Doug?"

"I'm sorry. I'm...I'm sorry. That was...I was outta line." He let go of her and backed away, letting his hands fall to his side.

"No, no," she slurred. "Not entirely." Her eyes closed again and she swayed slightly without his support.

"You're gonna get hurt, c'mon. Let's get you tucked into bed." He eased her under the covers and walked away from her. Outside again, he closed his eyes.

Did he hear his name? Did she need him? Doug got up and walked into the room, seeing her stir in bed. "Beth?" he whispered. But she was asleep, her face was a study in sweetness. He pulled the covers over her shoulders and backed away from the bed. 

You're an idiot, he thought to himself. An idiot for not taking her when you had the opportunity. An idiot for wanting her for all the wrong reasons. His shoulders slumped forward as he switched the light off and poured himself another drink, self-medicating. He was again drawn toward the ocean, and he sat alone while she slept. How would it be to hold her tonight, to feel her warmth against his? Just to hold her through the night. How would it be to wake up in her arms, to her smile? To rid himself of the emptiness that ate at him all night long? 

His loneliness unabated, looking up at the stars that littered the dark sky, he cried.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What a wicked game to play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you

No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world will only break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world will only break your heart)
With you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His lips upon hers. His mouth on her neck. The warmth of him against her skin. Her body aching, wanting him. "Closer. Please, come closer," she whispered.

He held himself back for a moment, pulling her head away from his. "Is this what you want?" he asked her gently, dark eyes searching hers, caressing her face with his hand. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Yes, it was. It was everything she wanted. He was what she wanted.

When she looked up at him, he smiled. His answer was in her eyes, on her lips as she kissed him hungrily again. The feel of his hands stroking her back, his lips pressed against hers, made her impatient. He unhooked her bra and removed it, gazing at her, and she saw approval and desire in his eyes. Reaching out, he barely brushed against her nipples and she sighed in response to his hands. He cupped her breasts and rubbed his palms against them, bending down to suck each rising peak into his mouth.

"So pretty," he whispered.

She was writhing underneath him, enticing him to take her. Her voice was husky as she said his name. 

"What is it?" he asked, knowing fully what she wanted, wanting to hear it from her anyway.

"God, I want you. Make love to me."

At the first feel of him, she cried out softly. He was above her, looking down at her with such sweetness on his face. Moving slowly, he teased her with his body until she held him tightly and pulled him even deeper inside her. He closed his eyes, then, and allowed her to take him in her arms.

"Do you love me?"

She stirred and opened her eyes slowly, her dress wrapped uncomfortably around her legs. For a moment, she considered cuddling back down into the covers, but the sunlight pouring into the windows made it impossible to sleep. Sitting up, she realized she wasn't in her room. It was Doug's. Beth climbed out of bed, adjusted her dress and pulled back the patio curtain. Doug sat in the same chair he'd been in last night, looking out at the water.

"Hey," she said sleepily.

He turned around and she could see the day's growth of beard which covered his face. His hair was messy and there were bags under his eyes. "Good morning," he replied, smiling warmly. "Sleep okay?"

"No. I mean, yeah, but my...my head is just pounding."

"Yeah, well, you had too much to drink, I think, last night. I think that was my doing. Sorry if I took advantage of your good nature," he apologized sheepishly.

"No, it's, that's okay," she yawned. Then she looked confused, thinking about the previous night, wondering how she'd ended up in his bed. Everything was hazy. She tried unsuccessfully to piece it together. Sitting down next to him, she cleared her throat.  "Uh...I guess -- I don't...Doug...?"

"Hmm?" he asked as he rubbed his face and stretched.

Hesitating, she meekly inquired, "How'd I end up in your bed?"

He paused and looked over at her slyly, his eyes dancing. "Well, Beth...don't you remember?" he asked seriously.

Her face registered measured alarm, mixed with some doubt. "No, I don't exactly. Well, of course I know we didn't...I would have known...I mean, I would certainly remember if we had...if you had...." She was flustered and stopped talking before she fully humiliated herself. 

"I know you would have known," he said gently, putting her at ease. "We didn't. I didn't. *You* didn't." Doug chuckled.

"Ah," she responded, feeling foolish.

"You were falling asleep in the chair and wanted to leave, but I was afraid you'd never make it to your room. You were awake just enough for me to tuck you into my bed." He grinned devilishly. "I would never take advantage of a drunken woman, Mrs. Lasko. Even one who dances on the beach."

"Man, I guess you could have," she said, pondering her demeanor.

"No, I couldn't have," he replied quietly. "Not with you. Not like that."

She looked at him sideways through her lashes. "Not with me?"

"No. You...I care about you too much to ever...well, you know I would never think of...." Doug exhaled softly. "No, Beth, not like that."  He shook his head.

Beth looked directly at him, then, thinking. Her mouth fell open and she gasped softly. "But you kissed me."

His head shot up. "I...."

"Here I spent all evening telling you all I wanted was for you to leave me alone. And then, you kissed me, didn't you?"

"Yes," he admitted. Now it was he who looked down. 

Beth sat, dazed a moment, then realized that she needed to reassure him. "It's okay. I mean, you were drunk, I know I was drunk. Sometimes you do things you don't mean when...."

"I knew what I was doing. I...I was drunk, but I knew. I'm sorry. I apologize."

"No. It's okay. I mean," she smiled timidly, "I mean to say, what I remember of it was really...uh, sweet."

Doug, thankful to her for being so gracious, fell silent. 

"Don't do anything like that again or you'll make a liar out of me," she teased him.

"I won't, I promise," he said.

"You promise?" She smiled sadly. "We're never going to find out, are we, Doug?"

Oh, she could tug at his heart without even trying to. How to answer her? "I don't know," he said gingerly. "I guess our...timing's kinda screwed up, isn't it? C'mere, sit down." She did and they laughed when they got a good look at each other. "We need to clean up, don't we, before everyone sees us?"

She smiled warmly and waited for him to become serious, as she knew he would.

"You know, Beth, before her, I could...I wouldn't think twice about sex. I mean, I wouldn't worry about it. If I met a girl, if we hit it off and we decided to fool around, that was great. It was fun, those days were lots of fun. And then you find this woman again, and you make love to her -- I mean, really *make love* -- and after that, well...I guess it changes you. Anyway, if we ever did...if you and I did, it wouldn't happen unless your eyes were clear. And your head was ready."

"And your heart let you?" she whispered.

"And my heart let me," he answered quietly in return.

"Does she still own it?"

"I'm scared that she'll always...." Doug looked down, unable to complete his thought.

Then she remembered, remembered his plea for her to stay. His drunken sorrow. At once, she was devastated. "The sunrise!" she exclaimed. "Oh, God. You...I should have been with you, I would have...."

"Hey," he stopped her. "Hey, you were here. You were just a few yards away. It's okay, Beth. It's okay. In a way, I...I wasn't alone, so much." 

How could he have been alone when his had filled the dawn with his memories of Carol?

*****

She slipped out of his room and made her way to her own like a guilty teenager, caught out well past curfew. She had three messages from Alan, she noted with dismay. Peeling off her dress, she decided not to look in the mirror until after her shower.

For a long time, she stayed under the spray, letting the water wash away the sleep and the liquor and the remnants of his arms and his kiss.  The phone rang again, but she let it ring as she toweled off and got dressed. After she blow-dried her hair and applied her make-up, she left her room and walked out past the atrium, to the dining room. Alan was sitting alone, reading a newspaper.

"Good morning," she said, grinning.

He greeted her with a return smile and a kiss on the cheek. "Hi, good morning. Do you feel okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Where were you last night? I called your room, but you didn't answer."

Beth squared to meet him. "I was with Doug last night, Alan."

He stiffened, looking hurt and confused.

"No, it's not what you think. I hadn't seen him in a long time. We just got to talking, you know? We just talked for the longest time, and I had too much to drink and I fell asleep in his bed. Poor guy had to spend the night on the chaise lounge." Beth smiled and reached for Alan's hand. 

"You know, I know you and Doug are friends, but I hadn't heard you mention anything in a while. If there's something I should know...."

"No. There's nothing. Well," she corrected herself, "there is one thing. Alan, I want you to use your clout to help him get back to patient care. I know he's valuable right now to the company in his current role, but I wish you would help him. It would mean the world to him. To me." She took his hand and squeezed it.

"I'll see what I can do, Beth. I promise you, I'll see what I can do.  Can I interest you in some breakfast, Ms. Lasko?" Alan smiled.

"Yes, I'm starving. Promise me, no mimosas, though."

"I promise." They spent the morning chatting, and Alan was so engrossed in their conversation, that he never saw her gaze fixed on the bench outside the dining room, never noticed her thumb as it played idly on her lips.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world was on fire
No one could save me but you
Strange what desire
Will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world will only break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world will only break your heart)
With you
Nobody loves no one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The end