The Harbor, Part 1

Summary: Doug and Carol face the consequences of Josh McNeal's detox.

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html
and at:
http://www.jsentertainment.com/gilbert/terffa/

Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Expectations; Joint Venture

This was a large undertaking, and I must thank Elizabeth, Claire, Ruth and Katy who read this after every revision, helping me to focus and improve it. Thanks to all.

This story is written around "Hole in the Heart."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
-- Cyndi Lauper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Harbor, Part I
by Jordan
jturner36@juno.com

Donald Anspaugh commanded their attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming today. You understand you've been asked to sit on this executive board committee to discuss Doug Ross and his actions with regard to the Josh McNeal case?"

Various doctors nodded, looking in Doug's direction. He was seated apart from the rest of them, wearing a light gray suit, a crisp white dress shirt and a black striped tie. Kerry looked at him and smirked, noting that for the first time since he'd disregarded hospital policy, he looked concerned and drawn. Maybe for once, she thought, he'd understand how disruptive his behavior was.

"First and foremost, thank you, Doug, for arranging your schedule to accommodate us."

"That's fine, Dr. Anspaugh." Doug looked down again.

"Now, although we have your case review notes, would you kindly give  us a case history?"

"Yes, I will. On May 13, a seven-month-old infant, Joshua McNeal, born addicted to heroin, was brought into the ER by his mother, Vicky McNeal. He'd been treated twice for methadone withdrawal. Ms. McNeal is a heroin user who stated she was currently in a methadone program sponsored by the Cook County Health Department.

"A review of County Health Department records indicated she had tested positive for heroin twice in the past three months and therefore was ineligible for methadone. Josh McNeal presented with a rectal fever of 104.6, he was lethargic, his pupils were dilated, he was tachycardic and was sweating profusely. All signs and symptoms of methadone withdrawal, all of which I've outlined in my report. I discussed the importance of continuing Josh's steady, managed methadone doses with his mother, who was irritable and uncooperative and told me she hadn't administered a dose to him since the previous day. Josh was treated and I sent him up to pediatrics for overnight observation.

"The next day, Dr. Nagaravala came down to inform me that DCFS was taking Josh to live with a foster family. The mother of this family was a retired nurse, capable of handling a baby in Josh's condition. I did not object to the placement. Later on, I found out that Adele Newman from DCFS came and changed the placement. Vicky was living with her aunt and would regain custody of Josh. I felt that if we sent the baby home with more methadone, his mother would continue to use his methadone doses to supplement her own illegal drug use. I felt the baby was in imminent danger and decided to help him any way I could.

"I called the University of California San Diego Medical School and talked with Dr. Kish Shah, pediatric anesthesiologist, and got information on the procedure, including risks and benefits, for ultrarapid detox. I decided that for this child, the benefits vastly outweighed the risks, and that it was in my patient's best interests to continue with the procedure."

Doug paused, tapping his fingers lightly on the desk before sipping his water. Then, for the next two hours, he sat calmly fielding the detailed medical inquiries peppered at him by the doctors sitting around the room.

How did he calculate dosages? He'd just completed a pediatric pain management course and consulted two pediatric anesthesiologists that he knew. He based the dosage on their recommendations for a baby of Josh's weight and age, factoring in the time the baby would be under sedation. How certain was he about the safety of the procedure? He'd spoken with Dr. Shah who had recently performed the procedure on infants and advised him of the risks and benefits. What other research had he seen to back up his attempt at a rapid detox? There were only three published studies, however Dr. Shah shared preliminary results of his own study, due to be published by JAMA in the fall. Didn't the age of the child make this procedure too risky? There were risks, but the benefits were greater, as the baby had no psychological addiction, which caused poor outcomes in adults. Additionally, he hoped Josh would make up for lost neurological development after the successful procedure.

Doug shifted again in his seat after glancing at clock.

Kerry spoke. "Doug, when you began this procedure without the mother's consent, did you know it was against hospital policy?"

"Yes."

"But you continued."

"Yes."

Kerry leaned forward in her seat. "Why didn't you discuss this with me or with Mark Greene?"

"Because I felt neither one of you would support me."

"We know that you didn't act alone in this procedure."

"Yes, that's right. But...."

"You and Nurse Carol Hathaway did this together?"

Doug looked at Kerry impatiently. "Yes, Kerry, but...."

"Did she voice her concerns and reservations regarding continuing with this ill-advised procedure?"

"Yes, she did."

"Was she in some way coerced into doing this, or did she blindly follow your directions...."

"Hey, hey, wait a minute, Kerry, I take full responsibility for what happened. I would never coerce Carol into doing or saying anything, nor did I want to put her in a position where she had to defend her actions on my behalf." Doug stopped a moment, then tapped on the table in front of him for emphasis before continuing. "What I did...I did for the welfare of a baby, a baby that DCFS was going to put in a home where his mother had access to his methadone, and I was not willing to risk that boy's life. And if I lose my job, or I lose my license, or I am sued, then so be it. But I will not discuss Carol's motives here. This was my decision. I made it, and I'll live with the consequences."

Kerry pressed on. "I just want it to be perfectly clear that not only did you knowingly violate hospital policy by risking this child's life using an experimental procedure, but you gambled with the career of another professional, perhaps risking...."

"You made your point, Kerry...." Doug began.

Anspaugh interrupted them. "Doug, Kerry, we'll be talking to Nurse Hathaway next, along with the nurse managers and the union. Let's finish this up here."

Doug looked around the room, took a deep breath and another sip of water.

Down in the ER, Carol kept a close eye on the clock. Two hours had passed before she got a call asking her to come upstairs. When Carol stepped off the elevator, she saw Doug as he exited the room and her heart went out to him. They shared a smile and their hands brushed as they walked past each other.

Carol walked into the room and sat in the same chair that Doug had just occupied. "Good afternoon," she said, acknowledging the doctors and administrators before her.

"Good afternoon, Carol," Dr. Anspaugh said. "We're here to determine your role in the Josh McNeal situation. We've just heard from Dr. Ross and wanted to hear your explanation as well."

"Sure," Carol began. " I didn't have first-hand knowledge of the case. Doug had discussed it with me the evening before, and he said he was concerned for the baby's neurological development because he had been exposed to heroin in utero, and to methadone since birth. When Doug brought him back to assess him before releasing him to Miss Newman, I assisted. Doug said he heard rales and was concerned that the baby may have developed pneumonia and he told Miss Newman from DCFS that he should be kept for observation. Miss Newman agreed, although it appeared she had her concerns. When Miss Newman left, I questioned Doug about the rales and the baby's general appearance, which was good. Doug then explained his reasoning for wanting to end that baby's addiction, using an ultrarapid detox procedure that he'd researched."

Dr. Romano raised a finger, and Carol stopped talking. "Carol, excuse me for interrupting, but you know you are bound by rules and regulations, just as Doug is. Why would you knowingly flaunt those rules? Did he in any way make you feel that you were obliged to agree with him and assist him?"

Carol smiled, shaking her head in disagreement. "I told Doug that I felt he couldn't do the procedure alone, and that I would help him. He tried to talk me out of it because he did not want to put me at any risk, but I insisted. The reason that I insisted on helping him was that his reasoning was sound and he had the baby's welfare in mind every step of the way. He was cautious and meticulous, kept records of everything we did, every medication, every vital sign. It was obvious to me that although he, and I, were violating hospital policy, his long-term interest was for the baby and his health and life. And to me, that's what the practice of medicine is all about."

The room was quiet for quite some time before they resumed questioning.

*****

Doug looked up and saw Carol walk out of the elevator, rubbing her neck.  They made eye-contact and smiled, then Doug gestured toward exam room three and they met there.

"So'd they rake you over the coals?" he asked tenderly.

She closed the door and then leaned against it, sighing. "No, not really. Basically, I stated my case and that was that. Just a few questions."

"Um-hmm. Did Kerry verbally attack you, too?"

"No, she actually just stared at me most of the time, she was pretty tame. How about you, how'd it go?" She reached up and rubbed his arm.

"Pretty much what I expected. They'll get back to me, and until then, I can keep working."

"Did they say anything about the Pedes attending job?"

"No-no-no." He smiled ruefully. "My guess is that that's all but gone, Carol."

Carol looked at him thoughtfully. "Was it worth it, Doug, worth losing the chance?"

"Yup. It was." He looked at her resolutely and walked to the door, holding it open for her.

So it was that the event which had caused the greatest upheaval in their professional lives also had a great effect on their personal lives. It wasn't abrupt, nor was it marked by any great fanfare. It was gradual. They'd just naturally stood shoulder-to-shoulder and forged ahead, coming together with common goals and like-minded purpose. Certainly their relationship was progressing before that, but the advent of the Josh McNeal case was an important milestone: Doug had made a decision and Carol backed him up. Since that time, though they hadn't really talked about it at length, the "me" in each of them had become "we."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deep down inside, Carol was concerned about him. After his appearance in front of the board, they'd come home and he had seemed all right, calm, but she could feel him get up in the middle of the night, hear him quietly slide the door open, then close it so he wouldn't disturb her.  It was the third night in a row where he'd gotten little sleep. She tried to figure out how best to help him, but she was at a loss. Then, the next day at work she got a providential phone call from Maggie Doyle, who told her that she had a "vicious" stomach flu and wouldn't make it in to work.

"I'm sorry, I hope you feel better. I'll tell Kerry," Carol said.

"Yeah," Maggie groused, "the bitch of it is, I was supposed to go to Benton Harbor for a few days; lakefront house, great pre-holiday deal. No way I can go now, and I'm out all that rent money."

"Maggie," Carol said, thinking ahead, "maybe someone else could take the house."

She made tentative plans with Maggie, and approached Doug with the idea.

"I don't know if now is really the right time to leave...." he'd argued mildly.

"Why not?"

"Well, I don't know, we're waiting to hear from Anspaugh...."

"Doug, I think we need to get away. It's only for a few days. Besides," she said, putting her arms around him, "if we go this week, we'll beat the Memorial Day crowd."

"Maybe it would be good to get outta here," Doug said softly. "Sounds like a plan. Okay. Let's do it."

They made their arrangements quickly. In fact, Kerry and Mark seemed glad to be rid of them and the tension that surrounded them at work.

"Kerry, we'll check our answering machine at home, in case someone needs us. We'll come back early if we have to," Carol told her.

So, the next day, they left before lunch and were in Benton Harbor by 2 p.m. The house was small, but was in a great location. Carol walked in first, and looked around. "The bedroom must be up these stairs," she decided and they went up with their suitcases to investigate.

The first thing that caught their attention was the bed. It was brass and had a white eyelet comforter and large, puffed-up pillows. It was placed at an angle in the room, facing the windows. When Doug walked over and pulled the shades up, he was treated to a magnificent view of Lake Michigan.

He grinned. "Hey, Carol, this place is great."

"We have Maggie and her stomach flu to thank."

"Thank you, Maggie!" he crowed. "Hope you feel better soon, wherever you are. Hey, Carol -- do you think we can arrange for Maggie to go in to work and breathe on Kerry so I don't have to see her when I get back?"

"Doug, you are so nasty." Carol put a hand on the bed and pressed against the mattress. "At least it's firm." She sat down on the edge of the bed and looked out at the shimmering lake. "It's beautiful, Doug, I'm so glad we came here."

"Me, too." Doug walked over and lifted her chin up, then leaned over and kissed her neck, up her jaw to her lips.

"Ouch."

"What?" he asked, withdrawing.

"Your beard. Scratchy. You look scraggly."

Doug frowned. "And that's bad?"

"Well, sometimes it's okay, but if you want to get close to me again, you'll shave."

"Oh...I see," he smiled. "But you're not supposed to shave on vacation."

"You haven't shaved for a couple of days. I tell you what, I'll keep up my end of the bargain and shave my legs on vacation. You need to shave that stubble off your face."

"Yes, ma'am," he replied, smiling. "But first, I'm going to go get some stuff at the store, stock the refrigerator. You wanna come?"

Carol hedged at bit. "Do you mind if I stay here and unpack, take a nap? I'm tired."

"No, that's fine, I'll be back in a coupla hours."

"Find out where we can go for dinner tonight, okay?"

"Yup, will do. See ya later."

Doug walked down the steps and a few minutes later, she heard him pull away. Before she napped and unpacked, she decided to walk around outside, go down to the lake. She kicked her clogs off and rolled up her jeans, then went down the steps, over the scrub grass, and onto the sand. It felt surprisingly cool, for the warmth of the day, and became progressively cooler as she walked toward the water's edge.

She dipped a tentative toe in, but recoiled quickly. It was icy. As Doug had predicted, there would be no swimming for her, no matter how hot it got. Carol looked back at the house and smiled. It was charming. Brown clapboard sides with neat white windows, a beautiful porch with two wicker rocking chairs covered with big, flowered cushions. The sun beat down on her, making her hair hot to the touch. She took a deep breath, feeling happy and content.

Carol stepped back into the house and went upstairs again. The bed looked comfortable and inviting, and she pulled back the covers and snuggled between them, resting her head on the soft pillows to take a catnap.

It was after 5 when Carol woke up, and she looked outside, but didn't see Doug's Jeep. She got up and began unpacking and had just finished putting their clothes in the empty dresser in the bedroom when she heard his greeting as he walked into the house.

"I'm up here, Doug."

Each step groaned in response to his weight, and when he appeared in the doorway, she was shocked.

"What did you do?"

"I went shopping and stopped to get a haircut and a shave."

Carol looked vaguely disappointed. "Why'd you cut your hair, Doug? I kinda liked all those curls."

"Well, you said something about me looking like a wet, scraggly dog," he quipped.

"No, not the wet or dog part. Just scraggly. But you didn't have to get it cut so -- short." She reached up and touched it with tentative fingers.

"Ahh, it'll grow, besides, it's the summer, it'll keep me cooler. C'mere, see if Giovanni did a good job on the shave." Doug held his arms out and she went to him, letting him surround her, rubbing her cheek against his face.

"Smooth. Very nice. My compliments to Giovanni."

"I'll tell him the next time I see him."

Carol pressed herself to him, indulging herself with the smell of him. "I love you, Doug. I'm glad we're here."

"Me, too," he whispered, and they held each other fast.

*****

Doug gave her an inventory of what he'd bought at the store: some herring in cream sauce, some cheese and crackers and fruit, a bottle of wine, two six-packs of beer, and her requisite Diet Pepsi, along with milk, juice, bread, and some lunch meat.

"I didn't get much else, I figured we'd want to go out."

"Yup, sounds fine," she agreed.

Doug tossed his wallet onto the bed. "I'm going for a walk, look around a bit. Wanna come?"

"No, you go. I want to sit on the porch and pretend we own this house and start reading my smutty novel. Okay?"

"Okay, see you in a bit." He went downstairs and she looked out the window and saw him, his back to her, walking toward the lake. She smiled, thinking about how much she loved him, and how wonderful the past year had been with him.

Carol rummaged in her purse for her book, then began walking out of the bedroom door. She turned around, though, took her shirt and bra off, and changed into something cozier. Then she walked into the kitchen where she got two pieces of fruit, and then out to the porch where she hunkered down, basking in the sunlight.

She tried to get into her novel, but instead spent a great deal of time reviewing what had happened during the last year, and more recently the past few weeks, this turn of events. Perhaps it was just a natural progression for them to commit to a more serious relationship. Or, perhaps it was the temporary rift in Doug's friendship with Mark. Whatever it was, it had brought them to a new level in their lives together.

He was gone for over a half hour. She saw him, finally, and watched from her vantage point as he walked along the shore, making his return trip, hands in his pockets, and wondered where his thoughts were taking him. He was such a complex man, there were so many layers of him hidden underneath his quick wit and self-deprecating manner. Carol smiled as she saw Doug stop when he came upon a little boy who was having trouble making a sand castle. He crouched and talked to the boy, then took the bucket down to the shore and showed him how to fill it with wet sand.

They worked together, scooping sand into the bucket, then Doug walked back up to drier sand and demonstrated how to smooth the top of it and quickly turn it upside-down. The boy watched intently and Doug waited for him to lift the bucket off the sand, revealing a perfect beginning to a proper sand castle. The little boy stood back and, in time, approved and ran back down to the shore to get more sand. A woman walked up, then, and extended her hand. Doug shook it and talked for a few moments, then pointed in Carol's direction. The woman looked over and nodded, then sat down as Doug spoke again to the little boy before walking away.

He walked up from the beach and stopped to gape in wonderment at the way the late afternoon sun surrounded her with pink and orange light. He'd never seen her like this, this relaxed. She wore her jeans rolled up to her calves and was happily wearing one of his old high school football jerseys. He'd laughed at her when she packed it, but it looked so right on her, holes and all. Her cheeks were rosy from the afternoon sun, and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, unruly, loose curls floating around her face. She was sitting comfortably in a rocker on the porch, her bare feet up on the railing, enjoying a peach. He watched as she took another bite and used her tongue to clean a drippy finger.

"Hey, Carol, save me a taste," he said, walking up the steps.

Carol frowned with mock anger. "Why is it that whenever I'm eating something I have to share it with you?"

Doug grinned slyly. "Well, that's because...you're so nice and so generous that you *want* to share with me."

She shook her head in denial. "Doug, that's not true."

"Oh. Well, then maybe because you know I'll arm wrestle you for it if you don't share."

Carol smiled and offered the fruit to him, watching as his lips surrounded it, as he sucked it briefly before he bit into it.

"Ummm..." he growled. "Delicious. Ripe. Juicy." He leaned over to kiss her, his eyes full of suggestion.

Carol closed her eyes to accept his slow kiss, then opened them to see him staring at her. "Juicy?"

"Mmm hmm," he drawled. His voice was quiet and intimate. "Juicy, as in tasty. Tender." Another slow kiss. "Savory. Mouth-watering.   Luscious." His lips remained so close to hers.

"Stop it now," she whispered.

"Nope. Never," he smiled, standing up and taking her hands in his as he helped her to her feet. "Come upstairs with me so I can seduce you while it's still daylight."

Carol put her arm around him as they walked in the house. "What if the locals hear us?"

"Then they'll look at you in a whole new light." Doug turned around to take both her hands, walking backwards, leading her up the steps to the bedroom.

Carol stood on tiptoes to kiss him when they entered the bedroom.  "What about that little boy on the beach? We don't want to taint him."

He chuckled at her while he pulled the shades down and then walked back and removed her shirt, smiling that she was braless underneath. "Well, we could close the windows, or, if you feel the overwhelming need to scream, just bite my shoulder," he teased, holding her comfortably in his arms.

Grinning, she teased in return, "I wondered what all those teeth-shaped scars were from...." She took his T-shirt off and pressed herself against him. They kissed as they worked on the buttons and zippers of each other's jeans, then she fell onto the bed, pulling him with her.

Doug brushed her hair away from her face and grinned, his eyes twinkling. "You nipped me in the shoulder when we made love on our second date."

"I did?"

"Yes, you did."

"You remember that, Doug?"

He nodded. "I do." His eyes traveled down her body and he took a deep breath at the sight of her.

"That date...you didn't waste any time asking me out again," she recalled.

"I needed to see you again."

"When did I nip you?" she asked, running her finger across his lips.

"When I...you know, the first time that night, after we went out to dinner, and we were making love, I was a little...."

"Forceful?" she suggested, raising an eyebrow in mock admonishment.

Something flickered within his eyes and his brow creased almost imperceptibly, but then he smiled and looked down, briefly. "I prefer to call it passionate, I think, and...."

"So why were you so forceful?"

"Passionate," he corrected. "Because I had never met a woman I'd wanted more." He lowered his head and began kissing the soft skin of her breasts, eluding her nipples, making her moan. "Because I craved you."

Carol's face showed her arousal. "Really? What else do you remember?" she asked as she traced her finger through his chest hair, down past his navel and over his hard penis.

"I remember our first date, in your apartment, in the kitchen, your hair was all done up in some kind of pretty hair thing, but I wanted it loose...wild." He reached behind her and cupped her bottom in his hands, gently kneading and squeezing her, parting her thighs with his knee.

"You took it down," she said, reaching up to shake her hair free, arching her body closer to his.

Fingers dancing over her wetness, his warm mouth tasting her skin, he smiled at the memory. "Um hmm. I remember you answered the door. There you were, looking so beautiful, and I knew that I had to have you, right then, that first night."

"Have me?" She shifted to be underneath him, taking him in both hands, bringing him closer to her aching body.

"Yes, have you. Possess you. Take you for my own." He kissed her neck as he laid over her, spreading her legs, looking at her in a way she loved. "And, now, I'm going to take you again. For my own." He penetrated her, eyes half-closed with satisfaction. "Oh, there's my juicy girl," he murmured as she encompassed him.

"Unnnnh, you feel good," she crooned, exposing her neck.

"Carol," he laughed, speaking softly as he moved within her, "you can bite my shoulder if you need to."

But he was unhurried and gentle with her and so it was only her lips that grazed his shoulder that afternoon.

*****

They decided to have a late dinner. He waited outside on the porch, beer in hand, as she got ready. When she came downstairs, he thought she looked lovely, wearing a tank top and a long pleated flowered skirt, a sweater tossed casually over her shoulders. Her hair was pulled back behind one ear, revealing the emerald earrings he'd given her for Christmas. Doug was pleased to see that she'd brought them with her.  His eyes shone their approval.

Carol was hungry. "Where are we going?"

"We're going to Schu's Bar and Grill," he answered. "I poked around today a bit, and it looked like the kind of place you'd like."

He pointed out various landmarks and antique shops he'd seen during his trip to town during the day, and they finally arrived at the restaurant a little bit after 8:30. The hostess told them they'd have about a 15-minute wait.

"Would you like to wait in the bar?" she suggested, and Doug looked over to Carol for her approval before saying yes. He escorted her to the bar, which was crowded, and found a barstool for her to sit on.

"I don't mind standing with you," Carol said.

Doug guided her to the stool. "You can sit, I'll stand."

The bartender took their order: Long Island Iced Tea for Carol and a gin and tonic for Doug. Their drinks came and Doug looked around the room. He'd noticed that Carol's entrance had attracted the attention of a man in the corner. He looked to be in his early thirties, and he had pointed to Carol and then whispered something to his friend. Doug moved closer to Carol, feeling possessive.

"The food must be good for it to be so crowded," Carol observed.

"Either that, or the locals know the most beautiful women come here."

Carol looked up, beaming from the compliment.

Doug nodded toward the corner. "See those two guys? They can't take their eyes off you."

"Oh, Doug, get out!" she scoffed.

"I'm serious, I'll bet if I leave, one of them will come up, offer to buy you a drink."

Carol glanced in the corner and then her face lit up with recognition. "Doug, I know that guy. Robert Mercer. I knew him when I was in high school."

"Really?" Doug sounded unimpressed.

"Yeah, he was Tracy's boyfriend for three years, until college. Here, sit down, I'm going over to say hi. I'll be right back." Carol got up before Doug could answer her and he took her seat, keeping an eye on her.

Carol walked over and it was obvious the man recognized her, too, because they smiled at each other and he opened his arms wide, embracing her and kissing her cheek. Doug took a sip of his drink and watched.  Their conversation was animated and at one point, the man touched her waist and then raised his hand and held it at her elbow. Carol was giggling and Doug couldn't help but smile inwardly at the sight of her dimples. It was too loud for him to hear their conversation, but every now and then, her laughter rose over the din.

"What on earth are you doing here?" she asked Robert.

"I'm on a sales call," he explained.

"What do you sell?"

"Fire hydrants, sewers, things for a city's infrastructure."

"How long?"

"Five years." He stared at her, placing his hand briefly on her waist again. "My god, look at you! Carol Hathaway. It is still Hathaway, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is," she admitted, smiling up at him. "But I'm...I'm going to be married, my fiancé is sitting over there." Carol gestured and Doug smiled warmly at her from across the room, a slightly bemused look on his face.

"That's great." Robert glanced over and then turned his attention back to her. "When's the date."

Carol hedged a moment. "We...haven't decided yet."

"Oh. Well, good luck. I'd heard something about you, that you were sick or something a few years back...?"

Carol looked startled at first, but recovered quickly. "No, I'm fine.   Everything's okay."

"So, what are you doing with yourself?"

"I'm the charge nurse at County General's emergency department in Chicago."

"Wow. I heard you were going for your graduate degree, am I right?"

"Oh, I did, years ago," she said.

"That sounds great. So, what about Tracy, are you still in touch with her?"

"Sure, just like always. She moved from the city, she's living in Hinsdale, she's still an accountant, and her husband's a lawyer."

Robert whistled. "Hinsdale, huh? Must be doing okay. Kids?"

"No, not yet. I think they're too busy working."

Robert's client made eye contact with him, signaling that their table was ready. "Well. Carol, it's so great to see you. Tell Tracy I said hi, my client is waiting. Take care." Robert kissed her lightly on the cheek and walked away.

Carol turned around, making her way back to Doug. She loved the way he looked tonight, sitting on the stool, drink in hand, staring at her. He had on a dark blue sports coat with a white shirt underneath and gray slacks. His eyes gleamed in the dim light and she almost couldn't believe that he was there, waiting for her, that look on his face.   Carol approached him and smiled.

"Hi, this spot taken?"

"No. As a matter of fact, you can have this stool." He grinned and stood up, catching the flirtatious tone in her voice.

"Thanks. Come here often?" she asked, enticing him with her eyes.

"No. It's my first time. You?"

"Mine, too."

Doug looked down at his drink and chuckled, and then moved closer to her so his thigh was just touching her hip.

"You look beautiful. I saw you over there, talking to that man. I was afraid I wouldn't get a chance tonight...."

"Oh. Well, I saw you from across the bar, and I just had to come say hi. So, what'd you want to get a chance to do?"

Doug leaned over so he was inches from her ear, his lips just brushing her cheek. "I was hoping I could invite you to have dinner with me, a few drinks...then I thought maybe I'd lure you back to my house on the lake and I would make wild, passionate love to you in the moonlight with the windows open." He leaned back to see her reaction and she smiled.

"What makes you think I'm that kind of girl?"

Doug chuckled softly. "Well, there's been talk around the bar tonight that you've been known to put out on the first date."

With that, Carol lost her composure and laughed out loud. "You're awful, you know that?"

"Yes, I know."

Just then, the hostess signaled to them and he guided her out of the bar and to their table. They looked over the menu and she ordered the chilled crab dip appetizer.

"Are you getting an appetizer, Doug?"

"Nah, I'll just...." He caught himself, and then continued. "Can we share yours?"

"Uh, yeah, we can share it, thanks for asking first," she chided him.

"And for dinner?" the waiter asked her.

"I'll have the sesame glazed chicken breast."

"Very good. Sir?

"And I'll try Bourbon Street Salmon."

"Fine. Can I refresh your drinks?"

Doug nodded. "I'll have another gin and tonic, thanks."

"Not for me yet," Carol replied. The waiter left, returning in a few minutes with their crab. They tore into it while Carol tried to disregard Doug's sad tale about Lenny the Crab, who'd spent the last days of his life on the Maryland shores, scuttling along, minding his own business, until he was abducted and brought to Michigan, never to see his family and friends again.

Despite her best efforts to ignore him, he made her giggle. "You know, you take the joy out of eating sometimes, Doug."

"Then there's more for me if you feel bad for the crab," Doug explained.

"Don't be so sure, I'm getting very defensive with my food," she warned him, trying to look serious..

Dinner was delicious, and they decided to skip dessert. "I can't tell you how glad I am that we got away," Carol told him.

"Me, too."

"Kinda gets your mind off of things, being away from work."

Doug nodded carefully and signaled for the check. "You ready?"

"I just need to run to the restroom. Be right back."

"Okay." Doug nodded and watched her walk away. The waitress came and he handed over his credit card, then used his cell phone to call home and check the answering machine while he waited.

When Carol returned, she saw him sitting at the table, head down, his finger tracing the design on her sweater, circling the buttonhole delicately.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

He looked up, almost surprised to see her there. "Hmm?"

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah. Your sweater. Here." He handed it to her.

"You feel all right, Doug?"

He cleared his throat. "I'm fine."

He bowed his head again, then fished in his pocket for the car keys.  "Let's go."

*****

He'd become distant, she noticed, and she had no idea how to approach him. She thought he'd head straight to the house, but he drove around a bit and they ended up at a marina. The harbor had long piers and what seemed like a hundred sailboats with empty masts that jutted into the air, their lines tapping rhythmically. He held her hand as they walked along the docks in the darkness, neither one saying a word. They sat alone on a pier, listening to the water slapping below them, looking out at the lake, the blackness broken up by the moon's reflection playing upon the water. Doug leaned against a pylon and held Carol in his arms as she sat between his legs, her head nestled into his chest.

"Cold?" he asked, feeling her shiver a little.

"No. I'm fine. It's hard to think of it as the same lake, isn't it?"  Carol mused.

"Um hmm."

"You're quiet," she observed.

"I didn't mean to be."

Carol stroked his arm. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"Nothing. Everything. How 'bout you?"

"How quickly bad news travels."

He looked down, surprised. "Hmm?"

"Robert, that guy, Tracy's old boyfriend, he had heard I'd been 'sick' a while back."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Funny, it seems like a different lifetime." She sighed.

"It does in a way," he agreed.

"I mean back then, I was so different. I had no self-confidence, I had to struggle to be taken seriously. I'd get all upset if a strong-willed doctor gave me grief. I never felt like I fit in with the other nurses. I knew I didn't fit in with the doctors."

"Everybody liked you, Carol. Likes you."

"Yeah, but I didn't feel it. Even when I was younger, a kid, I felt out of it. This hair, all over the place when all I wanted was to look like Marcia Brady." Doug chuckled and squeezed her. "And," Carol added, "my looks, my face, I never looked like the models in the magazines, never thought much of myself. Never knew how to relate to men. So, I lived my life from a distance, always removed, never trusting. Never trusting.  Always afraid."

"And now?"

"Now, I'm happy. I think that now, with you, is the best time of my life."

Doug reached up and stroked her hair. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because you make me so happy now. And I love you. Because I feel safe with you. Plus, I feel confident," she said. "I'm never afraid anymore to let people see the real me. And, I'm happy with who I am."

Doug kissed the top of her head, thinking.

"Carol...."

"Hmm?"

"...I don't think I did a very good job, defending you during the QA...." His voice trailed off.

"You didn't need to, Doug. I spoke for myself. I'm really not worried."

"Well, it's just...you know, Kerry, the way she asks questions. What I did...I made you risk your job, something you love, all the things you've worked hard for."

"No. I chose to be with you. And I would choose to do it again."

Doug nodded, though her words didn't alleviate his guilt. "Hey, you're shivering, you wanna head back?"

"We don't have to yet." She turned to him, a questioning look in her eyes. "Did you want to talk about this some more?"

"Nah. You're cold, let's go."

He was very quiet on the return trip. Carol tried to decipher his mood, but she didn't want to upset him, and so she remained quiet as well.  When they got back to the house and walked up the stairs, she led him to the bed, laid him back onto the pillow, wanting him to watch as she undressed. She came to bed and kissed him tenderly. He looked up into her face, holding one hand against her face, his thumb caressing her cheek.

"What?" she asked quietly.

"I need you," he whispered.

"I'm right here," she told him. "Doug, what is it?" Their evening had gone so well, what could be wrong?

"I just...I really...need you, sometimes."

Carol turned her face and kissed the palm of his hand. She undressed him slowly, tasting his warm skin as she laid on top of him, pressing herself against him, trying to relax and reassure him, wanting him to succumb to her lovemaking.

Doug rolled her over, his mouth moving down to her neck, to her breasts, teasing her nipple gently with his mouth. Soft moans escaped her lips, as she guided him to her other breast.

"Is this what you like? Right here?" he asked and then he increased the suction, momentarily holding her arms so she couldn't move. He paused a moment, then guided himself to her, penetrating her.

No more words of love, no sweet caresses from his fingers, no gentle lips nuzzling her breast, just him, remote and quiet, detached from her. His body was so far above hers, almost separate, as if she weren't there.

When she looked up at him, she saw he was troubled, distressed. Carol, disturbed by his demeanor, tried to pacify him with her arms, stroking him tenderly in a futile attempt to reach him.

"Doug?"

He didn't open his eyes, didn't reach down to kiss her and she knew then that something was very wrong. He grunted softly, increasing his pace vigorously, and his relentless intensity was too much for her.

"Doug, please," she implored.

As he moved deeper, coarsely spreading her legs wider, she whimpered.

"Stop, please!"

Hearing this, his head jerked up and when she saw him, his eyes were full of remorse, his face a mixture of anguish and confusion. "Carol...." Then he grimaced, immersing himself into her one last time and she felt him come, quietly shuddering, his eyes closing involuntarily, his head falling forward.

As quickly as it started, it was over.

Doug withdrew and eased onto his back, chest heaving, laying his arm across his eyes. The reality of what he'd done fell upon him immediately and he was distraught.

"Carol...I'm sorry..." His voice was ragged, his regret overwhelmed him. "I'm sorry I didn't stop when you asked me to. I've never...not stopped...."

Turning to look at her, he waited for a response, but there was none.  Her silence, and the bewildered look in her eyes, broke his heart.

"Carol? You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. C'mere, Doug. C'mere." And with that, she held him in her arms while she numbly tried to figure out what had happened between them.

The end, Part I