Made to be Broken

The show ER and all characters and situations borrowed from it are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Bros., etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only and no profit is derived from it. Note: This story contains language and consensual sex scenes that may offend some readers and as such is inappropriate for those under 18. This is another in a series about Doug and Carol's early relationship, leading up to the ER pilot. One more disclaimer: I am not a medically inclined person, so please forgive me in advance for anything here that's inaccurate. All I can say is that the scenario I've written about is based on a true story with a far worse outcome.

Thanks to Maryilee for lending me her expertise!

I love feedback, so please let me know what you think! Send e-mail to the address listed below.:-)


Made to be Broken

by Elizabeth
Eliz1296@aol.com
_____________________________________

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
But when everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

"Iris," The Goo Goo Dolls
______________________________________


It was a lousy day - even before three night-shift nurses called in sick and Carol got stuck working a double.

Haleh and Lydia both complained about having to work two weekends in a row, Carol was having trouble getting administration to approve  overtime again and her supplies were running low just when her budget was doing the same.

To top it off, she'd had a long string of patients who were angry they'd been kept waiting - and several had taken it out on her.

Doug had been great, she thought, stepping in a couple of times when someone started to berate her and steering them away, calming them down and taking the most difficult cases himself.

She was sitting in the breakroom, trying to brace herself for the long night ahead, when he walked in just before the end of his shift.

"Hey Doug," she said. "Thanks a lot for helping me out back there. I really appreciate it."

"Tough day, huh?" he asked, stopping a moment to look down at her.

"Yeah. And I'm gonna have to stay and work a double."

"Oh, Carol." Doug looked concerned. "Are you gonna be okay?"

She smiled up at him. "I suppose I'll survive," she said.

He nodded, then picked up his keys and jacket. "Take it easy tonight, Carol," he said, walking out the door.

Doug headed out of the ER towards the parking lot. Things had smoothed out between them lately, he thought, since the night he'd gone to her building and she'd turned him away, telling him that she was with Tag and didn't want anything more to do with him.

Doug sighed. He'd almost followed her down the hall to her apartment that night, after she left him in tears. He'd been so sure she wanted him - despite her words. But finally, he'd decided that he must have been wrong - and that he should leave her alone.

Deep down, he still missed her and he wondered if the feeling would ever wear off. He wasn't used to missing a woman after a relationship ended: Usually what he felt was closer to relief. He would never admit it to anyone, especially his buddies, but the bar scene and the one-night stands were getting tiresome. It wasn't as much fun anymore. And somehow, the sex was never as good as he remembered it with Carol.

Doug walked to his car, considering getting a drink, seeing if he could pick up some action, but for once he rejected the thought. It had been a tough day, and he figured going home and getting to sleep early wasn't such a bad idea - for a change.
____________________________________________

The Best-Laid Plans


"Carol? Telephone - it's Tag." Wendy Goldman was on tonight and she recognized the familiar voice on the line at the admit desk.

"Oh, no. I forgot to call and tell him I'm working tonight," Carol said, leaving the breakroom and heading for the telephone.

Tag was planning on dinner tonight and he would be disappointed that she'd have to cancel, especially since he was going to be out of town all weekend at an orthopedics conference.

They'd been living together for some time now and last week Carol had agreed to marry him. But she'd been holding off telling anyone at work about the engagement. Somehow, the thought of mentioning it made her uncomfortable.

Her mother was overjoyed, of course, and Carol felt ... *pretty* sure that she and Tag would be happy. Everyone had doubts when it came to a big commitment like marriage, she told herself. And the look in Tag's eyes when she said yes *had* made her happy. He really cherished her.

She reached for the telephone, wondering what she'd ever done to deserve him. "Tag?"

"Hi honey, I'm getting ready to pick you up. Do you want me to bring you a change of clothes so we can go right to dinner? I've got to be at the airport at 10," Tag said.

"Oh, Tag, I'm so sorry. I've got to work tonight. Three of my nurses called in sick and there just wasn't anybody else who could cover," Carol said. She always felt so guilty hurting him, even in small ways.

"Tonight?! Carol ... that means I won't see you until Tuesday night! I was looking forward to dinner. There's something I wanted to tell you," he said.

"Oh?"

"Well, mom and I were talking about the wedding, and how June is the traditional month, and then your mother called to ask about planning an engagement party and, well, mom mentioned June and your mom thought that was great. We talked about the last weekend." Tag was talking fast now, too fast for Carol, who was dreading planning a big wedding. Well, Tag and her future mother-in-law were already launching into it with a vengeance, she thought.

"Tag, you mean you ... you went ahead and set a date without me? And what's my *mother* got to do with it? Are you marrying her or me?" Carol's voice was rising and she noticed, too late, the sharp looks she got from a couple of co-workers.

"Carol, wait a minute. Nothing's set in stone. It's just that June is a good time for me to take a break from my surgery schedule so we could get away for a honeymoon."

Carol sighed and looked around in a bit of a panic. June? That was only a few months away. She'd just agreed to marry Tag a week ago and now he was setting dates.

"Carol? What do you think? I mean, I don't want to pressure you, but June's coming up and we'll have to reserve a reception hall pretty soon." Tag's voice sounded a little insistent.

"Uh, Tag, I just ... I don't know." Carol was at a loss. She hated the thought of hurting him. "This isn't a good time to talk."

"What's wrong? Carol?" Tag did sound hurt now.

"Oh, it's nothing. But, I mean ... like you said, June's coming up so soon. Shouldn't we wait until we're sure we can get the place we want and everything?" Carol was whispering now, turning her back on the curious stares of the other nurses hanging around the desk.

"Well, if you think June's okay mom can make a few calls this weekend," he said, adding quickly: "There's this really nice hall that my cousin used. I know you'd like it. Mom said she'd be happy to see if it was available. Uh, if you want her to, y'know."

Carol hesitated, hating the feeling that other people were planning her life, controlling her future. But Tag and his whole family had been so warm and loving to her. She felt like she owed them so much, she certainly didn't want to disappoint them.

"Oh, I guess so. Sure," she said, finally. "That'd be nice of her. I guess June's ... fine." Between Tag and his mother, and her own mother now too, Carol didn't feel she had much choice but to go along.
__________________________________________

Second Shift


As the hour got later, Carol's mood went from bad to worse.

Everytime she turned around, someone was whispering and looking at her - obviously speculating about the conversation they'd overheard. Well, news of the engagement would be all over the hospital by Monday but Carol didn't feel like talking about it tonight.

A multi-car collision brought in four seriously injured members of the same family and the drunken driver who'd plowed into them. As soon as they'd finished treating that batch and sending them upstairs, a string of gunshot victims started trickling in as the bars began to close.

Carol shook her head as one after another shot-up drunk was brought through the ambulance bay doors, some raving and screaming, some deathly quiet. She wondered where Doug had ended up tonight, thinking for a moment about the time he'd gotten into a bar fight and come to her apartment for sympathy and an ice pack.

That was the last time they'd made love, she realized. It seemed so long ago, now. She smiled a little to herself, remembering how sweet he'd been that night, the way he'd called out her name when he came, the look he gave her as he walked away...

Sex with Doug truly was incredible. If only they could've stayed in bed, she thought, their relationship would've worked out fine.

She thought, too, about the last time he'd shown up at her door, interested in her again all of a sudden just because he knew she was going out with Tag. He was just like a kid, she thought, only wanting something when he couldn't have it.

She didn't think she would ever really stop missing Doug. But Carol was glad now that she had been strong enough to turn him away that night. She didn't think she could live with herself if she cheated on Tag.

Carol stopped filling out the chart she was working on, aware of a sick feeling in her stomach: Tag - already setting wedding dates and talking about honeymoons.

She sighed. The pressure was getting to her lately. Tag, his mother, her mother, work. She was getting awfully tired of being the one who took all the crap from everyone - she was *so* capable and *so* efficient. They all leaned on her - the other nurses, the doctors, her patients. Sometimes, she wondered how much more she could take.
____________________________________________

And you can't stop the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
_______________________________________

Falling Apart


"Carol?"

She'd taken refuge in the breakroom about halfway through her shift, hoping for a few minutes' peace. And now Wendy was looking for her.

Wendy had been getting on her nerves all night. She was young and lacked confidence, though she was capable enough. Carol knew she was being cranky and impatient with Wendy tonight, but sometimes the girl was just a little too ... conscientious. She tended to want Carol to check and double-check everything she did. Carol sighed, wishing that Conni or Lydia was working tonight. Anyone but Wendy.

"Carol, can you check this order? It's from Dr. Roberts. Who's that?" Wendy walked in holding a chart.

"Dr. Roberts is an attending from pulmonary, Wendy," Carol said, sighing. "Whose chart is this?"

"The patient in two. His family brought him in with an asthma attack."

"Well, someone must have called Dr. Roberts down for a consult earlier today. Probably because he's the patient's regular doctor," Carol said, flipping quickly through the chart. She looked up sharply. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I wasn't sure about the discharge notes," Wendy said, hesitantly.

Carol glanced over them again: All routine, with a prescription for oral aminophylline, a standard asthma medication.

"Looks fine to me. Wendy, you're going to have to start trusting your ability sooner or later. And I'd suggest sooner. I don't have time to check everything you do. You should recognize routine discharge orders by now." Carol stood up abruptly and thrust the chart back at Wendy, who had a hurt, confused look on her face that only annoyed Carol further.

"But ..."

"*Wendy.* Discharge the patient, please, and do it now. We have other patients who need to be seen and I'd like to keep the wait time down. I don't need to deal with any more pissed-off people tonight!" Carol opened the door and walked out of the room.

She worked quickly through a group of patients with minor injuries, wiping several names off the board, before a woman approached the admit desk hesitantly.

"Uh, excuse me," the woman began, addressing Carol. "I'm confused."

Carol looked up. Wendy was standing behind the woman with an apologetic look on her face.

"Well, maybe I can help you," Carol said, confidently taking the prescription the woman was holding out to her.

"Well, the nurse told us to get this filled, but it's not what my husband usually takes. I know, I've filled it for him dozens of times, and this just doesn't look right to me."

Carol glanced over the prescription hastily, seeing again the aminophylline. "It's fine. You can get it filled at the all-night pharmacy around the corner," she said, handing the slip back and turning away impatiently.

"But see this?" the woman asked. "That usually says 25 mgs, not 250. Why is it different?"

"What?! Let me see that again," Carol said sharply, finally turning her full attention to the little slip of paper.

The prescription was for 250 mgs. She hadn't even noticed it before. She'd looked right at it and hadn't seen that the order had been written for 10 times the proper dosage. If it was filled at that level, it could be harmful, maybe even lethal.

"Oh my god," Carol whispered, staring at the paper in shock, the realization slowly sinking in on her. "Wendy, is this what you were trying to show me before?"

"Um ... yeah. It seemed like it was wrong to me, but you said it was fine, so I ... well, I discharged him, like you said to," Wendy said, looking at her guiltily.

"I'm so .... so sorry," Carol said slowly. "You're absolutely right. I'm ... I'll make sure this gets changed for you."

Damned doctors and their sloppy handwriting, Carol thought, then stopped to chastize herself. *You're the one who's sloppy, making stupid mistakes like that. You could've killed this guy.*

She looked over at Wendy again, her sweet young face frightened and serious. The woman was still staring, too. And for the first time, Carol noticed three little girls standing beside her in their pajamas.

What if the woman hadn't noticed the mistake? Surely the pharmacy would have caught it, Carol thought.

But it was the middle of the night and what kind of pharmacist would be working now? Somebody just out of school, inexperienced? Someone who would just dispense this as written, figuring that if it came from the ER at County it must be right?

Suddenly Carol felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She couldn't breathe. The full realization of her negligence was starting to hit her.

She'd been so damned arrogant, so preoccupied with her stupid personal problems, that she hadn't listened when Wendy tried to bring up a valid concern. Because of her, those little girls might have lost their father.

Carol slowly became aware that a group of nurses and orderlies had gathered around and were picking up the details of the conversation. She looked around, blanched, and walked quickly away from the desk.

Frozen

Carol was walking, hardly noticing the cold, just putting one foot in front of the other, measuring the distance from toe to heel, toe to heel.

She was numb. Not only outside, from the frost and the shadows, but inside, too.

Everything was frighteningly clear to her all of a sudden. She was looking at her life objectively, for a change, and not feeling anything. Like all her problems were somebody else's.

*Cut the crap, Hathaway, and start being honest with yourself.*

She told Tag she'd marry him but she really wasn't sure if she loved him enough to spend the rest of her life with him.

Agreeing to marry Tag had something to do with not disappointing her mother. And it had everything to do with getting away from Doug.

Did it have *anything* to do with Tag? Carol shook her head grimly.

Up until now, her lies and confusion had not affected her work. That had always come first.

But tonight, she'd blown that, too. She'd let herself become distracted to the point where she was dangerous: over-confident, flippant, refusing to listen, not checking meds thoroughly. She'd violated the basic principles that she'd been so conscientious about since nursing school.

Everyone had been so nice about it, once the prescription had been corrected - especially Wendy. The patient hadn't been harmed; surely it was the doctor's fault, not hers; the pharmacy would have caught the error anyway; she shouldn't be so hard on herself.

But Carol didn't buy it. Not any of it. Her first thought was to resign. She couldn't trust herself to do the job anymore.

Now she wasn't sure what to do. Report her error and wait to be disciplined? Chalk it up to being human, sweep it under the rug and just be grateful there hadn't been serious consequences?

Carol's mind was racing. She saw those little girls, thought about the day her own father had been taken out of the house on a stretcher - white and barely breathing - her mother crying hysterically. She'd never seen him again.

Carol kept walking, blindly, unaware that tears were streaming down her face into the scarf that was wrapped around her neck.

She didn't even know where to go. Tag wasn't home and she didn't want to go to his place, anyway. She'd moved in with him to get away from her memories of Doug but it hadn't worked. She still fantasized about Doug - even when she was in the dark, in bed with Tag.

*Oh god, if Tag knew how I think about Doug when he makes love to me.*

Carol was overwhelmed. She'd screwed everything in her life up good and she didn't know how to fix any of it. Suddenly, she just wanted to forget it all for a while - to be warm, to lose herself, to shut off the stark, cold thoughts filling her mind.

She was desperate.
_____________________________________

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
and I don't want to go home right now.
_____________________________________

Doug was sleeping when he heard the insistent knocking at his door. He pulled a shirt on and walked out of the bedroom groggily, calling out, "Hold on, hold on."

When he swung the door open and saw Carol standing on his doorstep, her face white and her eyes red, he was speechless for a moment. He just looked at her.

"Doug." That was all she said, gazing up at him, her voice soft and trembling.

"Carol?"

What are you doing here? he started to say, shocked at the sight of her. It was the middle of the night and she was all alone. She'd been absolutely professional with him lately, and at work today she hadn't given him any sign that things were ever going to be different.

But he paused a moment and looked into her eyes, and what he saw there caused a shiver of raw desire to race through him. He recognized the look on her face, her overwhelming need for him, just as surely as he recognized the answering jolt of arousal he felt just being close to her.

She glanced around quickly, guiltily, and then looked back up at him. She seemed so vulnerable. He realized he was staring.

"Doug?" His name became an urgent question, her eyes doing all the rest of the talking:

*You know exactly what I want. Please don't make me ask for it.*

Doug stepped back silently and pulled the door open wider, inviting her. "Come inside, Carol."
___________________________________

Doug shut the door and turned to offer her a drink, but he didn't get a chance. Carol launched herself into his arms, burying her face in his neck and holding him tightly.

Her boldness stunned him for a minute, then he slowly brought his arms up around her back and held her to him, rocking her a little and burying his face in her hair. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, realizing that his heart was racing.

"Oh Doug," she murmured, as she turned up her face to him and found his mouth with her own. She wasn't making small talk or offering any explanations tonight.

But it was clear what she needed as she moved her hands over him and kissed him, pressing herself against his body, quickly shrugging out of her coat and pulling a heavy sweater off over her head.

Doug went with her, totally turned on by her being here and by how much she obviously wanted him. He realized again how much he'd missed her over the past few months.

He decided not to ask why she'd come to him tonight. If he had learned anything in life, it was when not to ask questions and just enjoy good things when he got them.

She pushed his shirt off and yanked his boxers down as he helped her shed her own clothes. Underneath them, her body was freezing. When she was naked, he gasped a little.

"What?" she asked, breathless.

"Nothing. You're just ... so beautiful," he said. And she was lovely, standing there looking up at him intently, her breath coming rapidly, her hair wildly disheveled already and her lips parted slightly.

He'd not forgotten one detail of her, he realized with pleasure - the soft curves of her or the little incoherent sounds she made while she kissed him, or how good she felt in his arms. Being intimate with her again was oh-so-familiar in a wonderful, exciting way.

Doug started planting a line of wet, sucking kisses down her neck, working his way toward her breasts, planning to move to the couch and warm her up - get her ready for him in the way he knew she liked.

But suddenly Carol was pulling him down hard, getting right down on the floor and lying back, guiding him between her legs.

Doug was surprised, but he went down with her and laid his body over hers, rubbing his cock luxuriously against her slit, wanting to work her up before he entered her.

Immediately, though, her hand was there, between their bodies, grasping and stroking him, making him moan with pleasure as he remembered how much he loved her soft touch.

She shifted her hips and guided him to her wet, hot entrance, then began to rock against him repeatedly, urging him on while she thrust her tongue into his mouth and moved her hands down his back and over his ass.

Still, he hesitated. So fast? This was unlike her.

"Put it inside me, Doug, please," she whispered against his mouth. "Please, I want you ... I want you to fuck me, Doug. *Please*."

He looked down at her a moment. Her eyes were pleading, desperate even. Well, if she was ready, then so was he.

"Mmmm..." he moaned, pushing into her, reveling in the feel of her. He started jutting his hips forward slowly, then pulled almost all the way out, maximizing the friction of their bodies together.

"Oh, oh..." Carol was moaning already, her whole body tensing up after just a few strokes, and Doug could tell she was going to come. He bent down and drew a nipple into his mouth, sucking it as he increased the speed and force of his movement inside her.

"Oh god," she cried out, arching her back and trembling, her head writhing back and forth while her orgasm coursed through her. Doug abandoned all restraint and drove into her furiously, coming not long after her and falling forward onto her chest, both of them enveloped in waves of pleasure.
_________________________________________

All I can taste is this moment
and all I can breathe is your light.
Sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
__________________________________________

They lay still, the intensity of the experience rendering them both helpless for a few minutes. Slowly, Doug became aware of a clock ticking loudly nearby, and, fainter, the sound of a neighbor's TV set droning on.

Doug lifted his head and smiled down at Carol, lying underneath him with her eyes tightly shut. He brushed a few stray locks of curly black hair back off her face.

"Hey there, wild thing."

She smiled faintly, but still did not look at him.

"Are you okay? I thought for a minute there I was gonna lose you," he remarked teasingly, tracing his finger along her jawline.

Finally, her eyes opened and he saw they were misty. "I'm fine. I just ... I just missed you, that's all Doug," she said quietly.

Yeah, and you came faster than a 15-year-old in the back seat of daddy's car, he almost said, but decided for once not to joke with her. Ordinarily, she could take his wicked wit and dish it right back at him. She'd probably say something about only trying to break his record, he thought. But tonight there was something ... fragile about her and he was afraid to push.

"Yeah, I could tell you missed me," was all he said, kissing her forehead.

She continued to gaze up at him, her expression turning serious. "Doug, can I ... uh, can I stay here tonight, with you? I don't think I can go ... home ... right now."

Home. To Taglieri's apartment. Doug knew she had moved in with him but he'd been trying not to think about it. He'd found that the thought of her living with Tag - sharing his bed - hurt.

"Sure, you can stay here anytime, Carol, you know that," he said. "But won't, uh, ... won't he be worried about you?"

"Tag's out of town, Doug."

"Oh." So that explained it. "Do you want a drink? Or are you hungry? I think I've got some food in the 'fridge. If you want I can go check."

"No, thanks Doug. I'm just really, really tired," she said and he looked down at her again and realized that she looked exhausted.

"Yeah, well, that's 'cause it's late and you worked a double," he replied, standing up and giving her his hand.

"Let's go to bed."
_____________________________________________

And I don't want the world to see me,
'cause I don't think that they'd understand.
But when everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am ...
I just want you to know who I am ...
I just want you to know who I am.
_________________________________________


Sometime before dawn Doug was awakened by a muffled sound he could not identify. What was it?

He reached an arm across his king-sized bed, searching for her. "Carol?"

No response. He found only empty space next to him. She wasn't there.

"Carol...?" Doug rolled over and continued to reach for her, finally touching her back and realizing she was curled up away from him on the far side of the bed. Her body was heaving with sobs she was trying to stifle with her pillow.

Oh, no. The pit of his stomach started to churn as he imagined the emotional scene they were about to have. This was the kind of thing he dreaded, one of the reasons he usually got up and left after sex.

Doug always hated it when Carol cried. Her anger, her jealousy, her moodiness, her stubbornness - all those he could take, deflecting her bad tempers with humor or just staying out of her way until they subsided.

But Carol's tears always made him feel like an idiot. He never knew what to say, or what she wanted him to do. If he asked what was wrong, she'd cry because he didn't know. If he didn't ask, she'd cry because he didn't care.

He sighed. Women's bodies he knew. He understood what they wanted physically and felt like he always had, instinctively. But when it came to their emotions, it was like navigating a mine field. They expected you to read their minds - especially Carol, who kept so much hidden from him, whose thoughts and feelings were locked up so far under the surface.

He slid over and lay on his side next to her, slowly rubbing her back and deciding not to say anything, just try to calm her down and let her talk if she wanted to.
__________________________________________

Disclosure


*How in the hell could I have done this? How did I get myself into this all over again?*

Carol had woken up abruptly, disoriented and scared in the dark. She didn't know where she was, only that this was not her bed and the man shifting in his sleep and sighing deeply next to her was not Tag.

She realized a moment later that she was at Doug's. She'd always felt awkward here and had only rarely spent the night. She couldn't shake the sensation that she should take a number - another in the long line of women who'd undoubtedly shared this bed with Doug.

The last time she'd been here, she remembered, she had promised herself that she would never sleep over again. But now, here she was and everything that had happened in the past few hours was flooding back to her abruptly.

Oh god! She'd also promised herself once that she would never beg him for sex - another vow shattered tonight. She flushed hotly with guilty embarrassment, shuddering as she recalled the words that had slipped out of her while they were on the floor: Put it inside me, Doug, please. Please, I want you...

Shit! How in the world could she have done it? She'd humiliated herself and betrayed Tag, the man who loved her more than anything in the world and who had treated her better than anyone else. The man she had promised to marry. Oh god.

She'd not only betrayed Tag, she realized, she'd betrayed herself. *You little fool, so proud that you'd grown up and gotten over Doug. You haven't got the willpower of a flea. You turned him down once, when things were going okay, but after what happened at work tonight ... you came running right back.*

What happened at work tonight - the negligent error she'd made that could have cost a man his life. Another horrible thought. Carol was surrounded by them. And then she recalled Doug's comment after their little encounter on the floor was over: Yeah, I could tell you missed me.

Oh no. The whole thing with him was going to start all over again now, she thought. She'd just opened the door again to the drunken midnight visits, the fights, the betrayals, the hurt ...

Tears poured over Carol's cheeks and she started to sob. She scooted over to the far side of the bed and buried her face in the pillow, hoping that he wouldn't hear her.

But he did hear. Right away, he was saying her name and then she felt him reach for her, his hand finding her back. A few moments later he was murmuring softly into her ear: "No ... no ... don't cry Carol."

She pressed her face harder into the pillow, determined to stop. She hoped he would just go back to sleep and leave her alone so she could slip out of this apartment and not have to face him in the morning. Just like he did to her.

But it was no use. She couldn't stop. Carol felt the warmth of Doug's body against her back as he moved to be closer to her. Then he put his hands on her and started rubbing gently over her shoulder blades and down her spine.

Those hands. They felt so warm and strong. She knew she should push him away, get out of bed and go home. But she was powerless to stop him.

Carol recalled how many times Doug had left an exam room after treating a scared young patient and the parents had turned to her, astonished at the way he'd calmed and reassured an hysterical child. "He's so wonderful with children! How does he do it?" they'd ask. And usually Carol would say, "Guess he's just good at his job," or "He has a lot of experience."

But inwardly, at those moments, Carol would smile to herself. She knew exactly how he did it, how confident and gentle his hands could be, how easy it was to relax under them, how soothing his fingers were.

Let me touch you, they said. I won't hurt you.

Those hands, that reassuring voice. Doug had used them to teach her how to relax. They had shown her, years ago when they were first intimate, how to let go of her inhibitions and trust her body to him.

Now, his touch started working its magic on her again. Her tears were subsiding.

"I can't believe I did this, Doug," she said, haltingly.

"*You* did this? I was there too, remember?" he said, kneading her shoulders and her neck.

"I ... I didn't mean just that," she said, wiping her cheeks. "I mean this whole thing ... coming here tonight while Tag was gone. I don't know why I did it. I feel awful. He's ... he's been great to me, Doug. I just feel so guilty." Carol knew Doug was the last person she should be talking to about Tag, but he was here and she couldn't stop the words from pouring out.

"Well ..." Doug wasn't sure what to say.

But Carol kept on talking. "I almost killed a patient tonight, Doug, and it was because of a totally stupid mistake. I ... I'm letting my problems interfere with work. When I saw this guy's family and thought about what could have happened because I wasn't paying attention ... oh Doug, I don't know what's happening to me lately."

"Hmmm." Frankly, he wondered what was going on with her, too. First, she'd said she loved him, then she'd turned him off, rejected him when he came to her apartment, moved in with Tag and now here she was, showing up on his doorstep tonight and practically ripping his clothes off. Doug was baffled.

He moved his hands up to her head, running his fingers softly through her hair and massaging her scalp, rubbing her forehead and her temples lightly.

"Oh Doug, that feels so good," she said, sighing and stretching her body out next to his.

"*You're* the one who feels good," he replied, enjoying the scent of her hair splayed across his pillow and the incredible softness of her skin. He leaned in to kiss her shoulder while his right hand traveled slowly down her arm and his fingers slipped over hers and held them tightly.

Before, on the floor, it all happened too quickly. She was so hot for him, they were both so hot, because it had been so long since they were together.

Now, close to her in bed, Doug wanted to have her again, slowly this time, so they could enjoy each other. He felt himself getting hard as he thought about what he wanted to do to her with his mouth and his hands, how he wanted to make her wet for him and then watch her come.

He released her fingers and moved his hand down over the curve of her hip, realizing happily that she was still naked. She hadn't gotten up to put her underwear back on after he'd gone to sleep, like she sometimes did after sex. His hand came to rest on her thigh and he started stroking her there, caressing the soft skin of her leg.

"Doug," she said, a warning tone in her voice. "We can't do this." She reached down and pulled his hand back up.

"No," he agreed, all the time kissing his way down her arm and up her spine to the base of her neck.

"It wouldn't be fair to Tag," she said, her eyes closing.

"Not fair," he echoed, nuzzling her ear and raising goosebumps all over her.

"I'm going to marry him," she murmured.

Doug didn't reply. He'd only been half-listening but that revelation jolted him into awareness. She was going to marry Taglieri?

Like hell she was.

He slipped his arm forward and encircled her waist, reaching his fingers slowly up to her breasts. He started to rub his thumb lazily back and forth across a nipple and smiled to himself when she gasped.

Carol's whole body felt weak, every nerve-ending in her attuned to his touch.

"Doug ..... again?"

"Yeah," he breathed. "Only if you want to." He leaned in to whisper in her ear: "Don't cry anymore, Carol."

"I'm not crying."

"So, do you want to...?"

But she never replied, turning toward him slowly instead and slipping so naturally into his arms, leaning in to his kiss and finding his tongue felt so good in her mouth that it made her body tingle all over. And everything she'd been thinking and feeling disappeared: Tag and work and the guilt and her own shortcomings.

She needed to forget all the pain and in Doug's arms she could do that. She could be herself and he would let her, he'd accept her just as she was. She could take off her mask.

Carol sighed and wrapped her arms around Doug, hugging his body to hers and letting her mind go blank. He just felt so good.

THE END