The First Time

The First Time

Part One: Afterglow

Sarah woke up to the feel of Bailey's arms around her waist, his breath warm against her neck as he slept. She smiled. It felt good to wake up in his embrace. She'd never imagined it would feel quite so good.

Bailey felt Sarah stir beneath him and opened his eyes slightly. He looked down and grinned. She was curled against him, her back to his chest. His arms encompassed her small frame and they had their heads resting on the same pillow. His face was less than an inch from her neck.

Looking at the clock, Bailey noted that it was just after 7am. It was still early; he probably shouldn't wake her. The tender flesh of her neck beaconed him, though, and he lost his battle for self-control. He leaned down just slightly to kiss her neck softly.

Sarah felt his lips on her skin and gasped a little in surprise. She hadn't realized he was awake just as he hadn't realized she was. But now they were both awake, and very aware of each other.

Tilting her head back, Sarah allowed Bailey better access to her skin. He continued to kiss his way up her neck, his kisses growing more insistent as he neared her lips. By the time their mouths met they were both lost in the moment.

She turned around so that they were facing each other as his hands wandered over her curves, coming to rest on her hips as his tongue continued it's exploration of her mouth. Bailey moaned, deepening the kiss. Sarah responded with a moan of her own, moving her hands over his back and pulling him closer.

They made love, just as they had the night before. Sarah was a little more relaxed this time; Bailey was just as gentle. He knew she was nervous. It was okay. They had the rest of their lives to perfect the sex part of their relationship. All that mattered now was that they were together. And nothing about that could have been more perfect.

When their second time as lovers had come to an end, Sarah lay quietly in Bailey's arms. Her head was resting on his chest. She looked up at him and found he, too, was watching her. They gazed imploringly at one another, both waiting for the other to speak. Neither said a word. They were both happy, both glad to have finally found their way to this moment. But, something was stopping them from putting their feelings into words. It was all so much to take in; they both just needed time.

Sarah was dressed first. She was sitting on the sofa in the living room waiting as Bailey dressed for work. School was over for the semester so Sarah had a lot more free time on her hands. She wasn't taking summer classes. She'd decided instead to get a summer job and try to save some money. But, the job hunt could wait until tomorrow. Today she had too much on her mind to think about applications and interviews. She just needed time to think.

She was wearing a pair of faded jeans and an old T-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a long ponytail. She planned to drop Bailey at the restaurant then come back home to finish painting. She wanted to spend this week getting things in order and then start her job hunt.

She looked at the television that projected some inane talk show that she wasn't paying attention to. A fight had broken out between two of the guests and the audience was on its feet, cheering on the brawlers. Sarah rolled her eyes and clicked the TV off with the remote.

The sound of the closet door could be heard from Bailey's room. She wondered what he'd be wearing. She knew he'd look good, no matter what he wore. It wasn't much of a surprise to Sarah how quickly Bailey Salinger had managed to find his way back into her every thought. He'd never really left. Even when she was disgusted with him about Callie or angry with him about butting into her life or worried about him when he was so caught up in his misery that he didn't see how much he was hurting himself, even through all of that, Sarah had still loved him. Her heart had always belonged to him. She knew that would always be true.

Their relationship was different now. There was no going back to the way things were. It was more complicated than it had even been before. And Sarah was afraid. She loved Bailey but she was still afraid of the uncertainty that she felt at that moment. Still, she didn't want to go back. She only wanted to move forward.

Bailey stood in front of his closet in his boxer shorts and flipped through the clothes in front of him. He had too many clothes, he decided. Why couldn't he just wear the same suit every day? It would make his life so much easier. He hated choices.

Well, most choices. He'd made the choice the night before to kiss Sarah, to make the first move. That had been one choice he'd never regret. He loved Sarah. It seemed so clear now. He couldn't imagine a time when his feelings had been different. The thought of being without her suddenly seemed to be an impossibility.

Choices . . . Bailey kept going back to that. He'd made some bad ones in his life. He'd hurt Sarah so badly in the past. He couldn't imagine what made her forgive him. If someone had treated him the way that he'd treated Sarah . . . well, he was lucky. Sarah was a better person than he was. He really did love her, too. That was one thing he didn't have to make a choice about. It just was. There was no decision to be made; there was just a feeling that he knew would never stop. He never wanted it to.

Finally, he snapped back to the clothes in front of him. He needed to get a move on. Sarah was waiting to drive him to work. He had to be there soon. He hated that they couldn't spend the day together, but he had things he just had to do. Besides, they could both probably use the time apart to think things over. It was probably for the best.

Bailey finished getting dressed, choosing a dark blue suit that he'd bought several months before. He grabbed a tie that matched, this one given to him by Claudia for his last birthday. As he slipped his feet into his shoes, he thought about Sarah waiting for him in the living room and he smiled. Even though he dreaded spending the whole day away from her, he knew this would make him even more eager to return home.

Part Two: The Journal

It was almost 10am when Sarah returned from dropping Bailey at Salinger's. She'd watched him walk inside, part of her wishing he weren't going and the other part grateful for the time alone. She was still confused. Everything had gone from bad to good so quickly, but it had also gone from easy to complicated. Before last night, she had been lonely. She'd needed someone; she wanted to be loved by someone that she loved just as much. In the back of her mind, she had known the person she wanted this to be was Bailey Salinger. He had always been the one she wanted.

Still, now things were different. Sarah didn't know what was going to happen next. She loved Bailey, but she was afraid of being hurt. But, she could have no guarantees. She could only follow her heart, and that would always lead back to Bailey.

She dropped down onto the couch; already feeling too emotionally exhausted to get any work done like she had planned. Her mind was too jumbled for her to think straight. She needed to talk to someone, to figure things out. But who? She only had one close girlfriend and that was Julia. And she couldn't very well talk to Julia about this. She was fairly certain that Julia did not want to hear about Sarah and her brother's newfound sex life.

She sighed, suddenly wishing she'd made more of an effort to make close friends, confidantes. It had never seemed important. She'd always had Bailey. But now . . . well, she needed to talk to someone else, someone impartial.

Then, she had a thought. Maybe, if she didn't have anyone she could talk to, it would help her to at least put into words what she was feeling. It couldn't hurt. She nodded to herself, feeling like this was a good idea. She could get it all out, then she'd be able to sort things through.

Going into her bedroom, Sarah grabbed a book off her bookshelf. It had a flower-printed cover with no words on the outside. She couldn't remember who had given her this journal . . . maybe her mother? It didn't matter. Up until now, she had never had a reason to write in it. But, finally, the journal would be put to use.

She walked to her desk and sat down with the book in hand. Finding a pen in her desk drawer, she opened the book. She stared at the blank page before her for a moment, collecting her thoughts, and then she began . . .

Well, I'm not sure where to begin with this. My head is swimming right now and I just have to get some of this stuff out before it drives me crazy.

I had sex with Bailey last night. It was so . . . unlike I had imagined. I've thought about it so many times, what it would be like to be with him, but . . . I guess it's never really what you expect. The physical part was, surprisingly, a lot like I thought it would be. It was awkward at first. I didn't really know exactly what to expect. But he was very caring and gentle with me. He made my first time very special.

I guess the part I didn't expect was the way I felt afterwards. I thought that after we had had sex, I'd just lay in his arms and feel like things were finally okay. But, that wasn't the case. Not that I didn't think it was wonderful. I did. And having him hold me when it was over . . . that was probably the best part. I felt like he really loved me then. I have never felt so wanted in my entire life. It's just . . . it didn't solve things between us. There are still questions, still uncertainties. Sex didn't make it better, or make it worse; it just made it different. I suppose I'm naïve for thinking anything else.

I have to admit, though, I woke up happy. The last thing I remember before I fell asleep last night is feeling Bailey's arms holding me close and that was the first thing I felt this morning. He stayed there all night. It was a comfort to know that I could count on him.

We made love again this morning before we got out of bed. It was different this time. I wasn't so worried about what was going on and I could concentrate on what I was feeling. Sex is a much more emotional experience than I had realized. I'm not sorry we did it.

I was thinking on my way back home from the restaurant about how this is going to change me. It feels strange, to think of myself as someone's lover. I've never thought of myself that way. I've been the girlfriend, the confidante, the crush . . . but never the lover. It's something new.

What are people going to think about this? Bailey cheated on me. He slept with another woman while he was supposed to be my boyfriend. He let me down, and that hurt. Am I stupid for going back? Maybe. But, do I care what anyone else thinks? I don't know. Maybe I do.

No one knows him like I do, though. He'd never hurt me again. I honestly believe that, though I am not sure why. It's just a feeling I have.

I guess, as I look back at all that I have just written I realize something. I love him. I always have. And he loves me. And sex didn't make that so. It was there all along. Our love doesn't hinge on our physical relationship. It goes much deeper than that. I love his soul, the person he is inside.

And, now that I think about it, it's not so confusing after all.

Sarah put down her pen and closed the journal. She smiled. Things were going to be okay.

Part Three: Words To Live By

Bailey looked at his watch. It was nearly 11am. He had finished his morning work and was now just waiting on the lunch crowd to make their way in. It wasn't going to be a busy day so he had only scheduled two waiters for the morning shift. A few others would be in at noon.

He sat alone in his office and his thoughts began to drift. He'd been thinking all morning about the night before. Sarah held a power over him that he couldn't explain. He felt something he couldn't even begin to put into words.

As Bailey stared at the wall, he tuned out everything happening around him. He didn't hear when one of the waitresses dropped a glass in the kitchen. He also didn't hear when the office door opened.

"Hello? Earth to Bailey," the visitor said. Bailey realized he was no longer alone and looked towards the door. It was Charlie.

"Hey, what's going on, man. What are you doing here?" he asked as his brother stepped into the office.

"Not much, just thought I'd stop by and see how things are going here."

"Going good, same as ever," Bailey replied.

"No, not the same," Charlie said. "You've done so much with this place. It really does look great. And the new menu looks great and I hear your theme night idea has taken off. I'm really proud of you Bay, you're doing a great job."

Bailey smiled and shrugged nervously. "Thanks, that means a lot coming from you, Charlie."

"So, what's got you so spaced out?"

"Huh?" Bailey asked, not sure what his brother meant.

"When I walked in here it took me a good two minutes before you realized I was in the room. Where were you, Bay?"

"Oh . . ." he fidgeted, looking down and wondering what he should say.

"Is everything okay?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, fine, it's just . . . well, I'm a little confused. Well, not confused exactly . . . Things are just . . . different."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Did he? He wasn't sure at first. Maybe talking to his brother about this would be weird. Sarah might be uncomfortable with him telling Charlie about what had happened. But then, this was his brother. He knew he could tell Charlie anything. And Sarah knew that, too. So, he decided he needed to talk.

"I slept with Sarah."

"You . . . Sarah? Sarah as in *Sarah*. Wow . . . hmm," Charlie said. "Well, I can't say that that totally shocks me. I sort of figured it would happen eventually."

"How's that?" Bailey asked.

"Bay, we all knew you never really got over her. And she never got over you either. I just wasn't sure how long it would take, but I knew it would happen one day."

Bailey nodded. He had always known in his heart that Sarah was the one. It shouldn't surprise him that other people, especially Charlie, could see it too.

"So, what's wrong? Are you sorry it happened?" Charlie asked.

"Sorry? No, God no. I'm not a bit sorry. I'm happy. It's just . . . I'm a little worried."

"About?"

"About . . . well, I don't want this to end. I want to be with her, not just in bed, but really *be with* her. I love her."

"And she doesn't want that?"

"Well, I assume she does. She hasn't told me otherwise."

"Okay, have we gotten to the problem yet?" Charlie asked.

"I dunno Char . . . what if . . . what if she can't trust me. After what I did to her before . . . what if she can't make that commitment to me again? After last night, I just don't know if I can go back if she decides she can't trust me."

Charlie nodded. Now he saw the problem. His brother was scared. He'd finally gotten back the girl he loved and he was scared to lose her again.

"I think you're worrying about nothing," Charlie said.

Bailey looked at his brother and said, "I think it's something worth worrying about."

"That's not what I mean, Bay. I mean, I don't think Sarah would have done what you two did last night if she weren't ready to commit to you. She's always loved you."

"But how can I ask her to forgive me?"

"You can't. You can't ask her to do that. And you haven't. You've given her time to decide for herself. And, Bay, she's decided to forgive you. Sarah made the decision with herself that she could get past your mistakes. Otherwise, she never would have let you back into her life, much less into her bed."

Bailey considered this. Charlie was right, of course. Sarah loved him. He loved Sarah. She could forgive him . . . but was that enough?

As if reading his mind, Charlie said, "As long as you guys love each other, the rest will work itself out. And I know you love each other. She's always been the one for you."

Bailey smiled. The one . . . yeah, she was the one.

Part Four: The Beginning of Forever

Bailey walked up the steps to the apartment that he and Sarah shared. He'd gotten a ride home from one of the waiters. He hadn't wanted Sarah coming to pick him up. It was late and there was really no need for her to come out when he could get a ride.

The day had run long. One of the waiters had called in and the order he'd gotten in came hours after it was supposed to . . . everything had gone wrong. He'd managed to get things running smoothly again, but it had meant working the entire day. It was almost 11pm as he made his way to the door and fished in his pocket for the key. Finding it, he opened the door and walked in, expecting to find Sarah already asleep.

Instead, he found the living room lit with dozens of candles. The stereo was on and soft music met his ears. He didn't see Sarah, but he was sure she wasn't asleep.

Closing the apartment door, Bailey took off his coat and draped it across a chair. "Sarah?" he called as he looked around for her. "I'm home."

"In here," a voice said from the hallway. It was from her room. He smiled as he imagined what she could possibly be up to.

He walked down the short hallway and found her bedroom door halfway opened. He walked in and his eyes grew wide at the sight before him. There she was, on the bed, in a light blue satin negligee that he had never seen before. She looked beautiful. He was speechless.

She smiled at him. "Hey."

"Uh . . . hey," he finally said.

She patted the bed beside her. "Care to join me? Or are you too tired from working?" she grinned slyly, already knowing his answer.

"Never too tired for you," he replied, returning her grin as he made his way into the room.

He started to remove his tie, but she brought her hands up to his. "Here, let me," she said as she took over the task. He dropped his hands, letting her work the tie off his neck. Then, she started on the buttons of his shirt. As she undid each button, she kissed the portion of his chest that she had exposed. When she had reached the end of the shirt and was kissing his stomach, Bailey could no longer stand it. He pulled her up so that he could find her lips.

"Mmm . . ." Sarah murmured, as she quickly became lost in the passionate kiss. "I missed you today," she said when their lips parted.

"I missed you, too," he replied. "Sarah . . ." he began.

She saw the look in his eyes and knew he wanted to talk. She was glad. She was ready. "What is it?" she asked softly.

He brought his hand to her face and caressed her cheek. "Do you know how much I love you?"

"I think I have a pretty good idea," she said with a smile.

"No, I don't think you do. I love you more than I ever thought I could love another person. I love you with all my heart, with all my soul. I never want to let you go."

She brought her hand to touch his cheek, too. "You never have to," she said as she looked into his eyes. He had beautiful eyes. But, she was surprised as she saw tears fill his eyes.

"I'm . . . I'm sorry Sarah. I'm sorry for every time that I ever hurt you. I'm sorry that I let you down. You never deserved to be treated that way . . . and I don't deserve you." The look in his eyes conveyed more love than she could have imagined. And, all the love she saw in his eyes, she felt in her heart.

"I've forgiven you, Bailey. It hurt; I won't lie about that. But, that's in the past. It's over and I forgive you. And, I love you. I always have."

Bailey smiled at her words. She forgave him. That was the best gift she could have given him.

He kissed her again, this time not stopping. As he removed her silk nightgown, she took off the rest of his work clothes. They made love again. It was their third time as lovers, but it was a new experience to them both. There were no more questions hanging in the air, no more doubts about how the other felt. They both knew.

And so, they spent hours lost in each other. The kisses and touches and whispered words of love were each cherished bits of something neither would ever forget. After that night, they both knew it was forever.

August 16, 1998

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