by: Courtney
Chapter 4
There's nothing worth living for tonight
Tell me that there's something worth living for tonight
Don't let me down
Don't let me drown
The pain is somewhere very close to me
~ The Violent Femmes, Nothing Worth Living For
"I just don't see how I can go back," Carol says.
"What do you mean, ever?" Doug asks over his coffee.
"Well, I mean, I'll go back but I don't want them to know about this. I don't want to tell anyone. How can I go to work looking like this and not explain it? I just need to be away from there for a while." She and Doug are sitting at the kitchen table. It's about 2 o'clock on the afternoon and they have just gotten out of bed. Carol is worried about what to do about work. She's supposed to be there tomorrow morning.
"Well, you definitely aren't going back for at least a week. Ryan said you need to rest," Doug tells her.
"I know . . . but my eyes won't heal in week. My lip won't heal that fast. If I go in there looking like this I am going to have to explain the whole thing," she says. She looks like she might cry just at the thought of it.
"Why? What business is it of theirs? Just tell them to leave you alone. Just say you don't want to talk about it," he says.
She looks at him, giving him the most unbelieving look. "Do we work at the same hospital? Do you honestly think that will work for more than five minutes?"
"No, I guess not," he concedes.
"So, what am I going to do?" she says, a note of distress entering her voice. She's getting more and more upset as she contemplates this. Doug realizes this and takes her hand to bring it to his lips.
"Hey . . ." he says to get her attention. "Carol, look at me," he instructs, tilting her head his way. "This is not a problem. Don't get upset. You have enough to worry about. I'll take care of work. If you don't want to go then don't. It's perfectly fine."
She gives him an unsure yet hopeful look. "But what will I tell them?" she asks.
"Let me worry about that," he says.
"What will you tell them then?"
"I'll think of something. I'll talk to Mark tonight after he gets home."
"Doug, you can't say a word about what happened, even to Mark," she pleads.
"Honey, if you don't want me to I won't. But, I just want you to know that this is *not* your fault. You realize that, don't you? You didn't deserve this. You did nothing wrong and there is absolutely nothing you could have done differently to prevent this. Don't blame yourself here Carol."
"I know all of that's true, Doug, but . . . I guess my head can't get my heart to accept it." Tears stream down her cheeks. "I'm ashamed. I feel dirty. I feel like I'll never be . . . I don't know, it's all so jumbled up right now. I don't even know what I feel."
Doug goes to her and wraps his arms around her. "I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I know how this feels. I couldn't possibly do that. But I do know one thing; this isn't your fault. I hate that bastard for doing this to you. Not only did he violate your body; he made you doubt yourself. He made you feel responsible because he's sick."
Carol cries on his shoulder for a minute. Then, she manages to get herself together and sits back a little. She looks into his eyes. "What would I do without you?" she asks. "Where would I be right now if I were alone? I don't even want to think what I would have done . . ."
"You don't have to, you'll never have to," he says and pulls her to him once more.
"Mark, its Doug. Answer the phone." No one answers. "Okay, look, I need to talk to you. Give me a call as soon as you get this message. And call back when you're alone. This is really important so whatever you do don't forget." He cradles the phone and sits back on the couch.
Carol is in the shower. It's the first time she's been away from him all day. With his track record with commitment, he'd have thought being with a woman all day like that would begin to wear on his nerves. But not Carol. She's been in the shower for ten minutes and he misses her already. 'How pathetic am I?' he thinks with a smirk.
The smile fades when he thinks about what he and Carol have done for the last 8 hours. She's really torn up over this. She jumps at every sound and he'll leave the room for a second to use the bathroom or something and she's fine when he leaves and he'll come back to find her bawling. He's never seen her so distraught. Even after the suicide attempt, he doesn't remember her being anywhere near this unstable. Of course, back then, he didn't see her much. It was a month before he even visited. 'What a jerk,' Doug thinks. 'Why'd she ever take you back?' he wonders to himself. He still has no clue why she let him back in her life, he's just glad she did.
The bathroom door opens and Carol walks out. She's wearing the same clothes and her hair is wet. Doug turns to her and smiles. "You feel better?" he asks. She shrugs. "Are you hungry? We could make some dinner. It's almost nine, you must be famished."
"No, not really. I don't have much of an appetite," she says as she sits down beside him on the couch.
Doug nods and puts his arm around her. "Well, what should we do?" he asks.
She lays her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. "This is just fine with me," she says. He smiles a little and leans his head to the side to rest against hers and closes his eyes.
The phone rings loudly, waking Doug. He grabs it, looking at the clock before he answers. It's after midnight. He and Carol are still on the couch. He realizes they must have both fallen asleep. "Hello?" he says groggily into the phone.
"Doug? It's Mark. I was just calling you back. Sorry to wake you but it sounded important."
"No, that's fine. I'm glad you called." He looks down at Carol. He hates to wake her up. "Mark, hang on a sec," he whispers. He eases gently out from under Carol and lays her down on the couch then walks into the bedroom and closes the door. "Okay, sorry," he says into the phone.
"That's okay. Who's there? What's up?"
"Um, well, it's sort of complicated . . ." Doug begins, not sure what to say. It'd be easier if he could just tell Mark the truth but he has to keep his promise to Carol.
"Oh, so there's a woman there," Mark says knowingly.
"Well, yeah, but it's nothing like you're thinking . . ." Doug begins.
"Come on, Ross, it's me. I know you. You can be straight with me."
"Mark, I'm telling you, it's nothing like that," Doug says, anger rising in his voice.
"Okay, alright, if you say so," Mark says. "So, what was so urgent?"
"I . . . I need a favor."
"What kind of favor? A best friend kind of favor or a boss kind of favor?"
"Well, a little of both I guess. You *can* do it because you're my boss, but I'm hoping you *will* do it because you're my best friend," he explains.
"Alright, what is it?" Mark asks.
"I need some vacation time and so does Carol," he says.
"Carol? Are you two . . .?" he asks. Doug can almost hear him smiling.
"Mark it is so hard to explain. Even if I could tell you, which I can't, it would take forever. Please, just do this without questions. I swear it is extremely important. This is serious. I'm not trying to plan a romantic getaway here."
"Is anything wrong?" Mark asks as concern seeps into his voice.
"Yeah, a lot, but like I said, I can't talk about it. Not now."
"How much vacation time are we talking here?"
"I don't know, two weeks, maybe three? Can you survive without us that long?"
"Well, normally I would say no. But, since you say this is important I'm sure something can be worked out. Neither of you ever takes vacation anyway so I'm sure you have plenty of time stored up. We'll figure it all out."
"Thanks Mark, you don't know how much I appreciate this," Doug says.
"No problem Doug . . . Hey, before you go, just tell me, is Carol okay?"
Doug sighs. She's not okay, but he can't get into that now. "Yeah Mark, she will be just fine. I'll make sure of that."
"Okay, take care of her . . . and you."
"Thanks buddy. Bye," he says then hangs up the phone. He then goes back to the living room to get Carol and carry her to bed.
"Thank you Officer," Doug says then hangs up the phone.
"What did he say?" Carol asks.
"That you can come in at 3pm," he replies.
"I don't think I can do this," she says.
"Yes, you can. I'm going to be there and you'll be fine. Don't worry, you can do this, I know you can." He slides closer to her on the couch. His arm is around her shoulder.
"What will I wear? I can't go like this," she says. She still has on her sweatpants and his shirt.
"Well, we'll have to get you some clothes I guess. I can go by your place and get something and bring it back here," he suggests.
"And leave me here? No, I don't want to do that," she insists.
"Then come with me. You can wait in the car."
"I definitely don't want to do that," she says emphatically.
"Well . . ." Doug thinks for a moment. "Hell, what are we worried about? I'll just go buy you something," he says finally.
"I can't go in a store like this and I don't want to wait by myself while you go." She sighs, "I'll just go to the house with you. I have to face it sooner or later."
"Are you really sure you're ready for this?" he asks.
"As ready as I'm ever going to be," she replies. "It's my house, I have to go back."
He smiles at her. "You amaze me," he says and kisses her cheek.
She smiles back, "Let's go before I change my mind."
Doug opens the front door and walks in. Carol is right behind him. She looks cautiously around. There's no one there, just them. Doug holds tight to Carol's hand as they mount the stairs. He stops halfway up and turns to her. "I can go grab the clothes if you want. You can wait here."
"No," she insists. "I'm staying with you."
"Okay, let's get this over with," he says.
They continue up the stairs. When they step onto the second floor landing, Carol sees the shattered vase. She winces and looks away. Doug pulls her into the bedroom. "I'll get your suitcase. You can stay with me for a while," he says. He goes to the closet to retrieve the suitcase and Carol wanders around the room.
Doug turns around to put the suitcase on the bed and looks up to see where she is. He stops when he sees what she's doing. She's standing in the doorway to the bathroom, looking in. There's light coming through the bedroom windows and she can see the room where every nightmare she ever had came to a horrifying reality a few nights ago. She has one arm folded across her chest and the other raised, her hand covering her mouth. Doug walks over quickly and puts his arms around her from behind.
"Don't look in there," he says softly.
Her eyes are brimming with tears. "I have to . . . when I close my eyes it's all I see," she whispers.
Doug shuts his eyes and pulls her to him. He kisses the top of her head and says in a low voice, "That son of a bitch . . ."
"What if I'm pregnant?" Carol asks in a quiet voice.
Doug's eyes fly open. He spins her around to face him. She looks into his face and her tears give way and fall to her cheeks. He brushes them away then cups her face in his hands. "No, you aren't. You can't be," he tells her.
"You know as well as I do that I very well could be," she says.
"No, I can't believe that," he says.
"How can you be so sure? You know what he did . . . I could get pregnant."
"But you won't Carol. I just know it."
"How?" she asks again.
He sighs and looks deep into her eyes. "I just know. I know that . . . one day . . . you'll get pregnant. You're going to be a wonderful mother someday," he says. He reaches down to place a hand on her flat stomach. "Someday my child is going to be in here. We're going to want that baby and love that baby more than anything in the world. I don't know how, but I just know that. I just have a feeling. Maybe it's intuition, I don't know. Maybe it's even faith. Faith that He wouldn't let that happen to us. Even though He can't prevent everything, I don't think He'd give us more than we could handle."
"I don't know if I can handle what He's already given me," Carol admits.
"You can. He knows how strong you are as much as I do. This is one hell of a way to find out for yourself, but you'll find that strength. It's in there," he smiles slightly and rubs his fingers lightly over her heart.
"I love you for believing in me," she says. She hugs him, laying her head on his chest. "And for everything else."
"Detective Grayson, please," Doug says to the officer at the front desk. The woman nods and goes to get the detective. Doug and Carol wait hand in hand.
"Ms. Hathaway, Dr. Ross?" a man says. They look to see a man with his hand outstretch. "I'm Detective Joseph Grayson," he says. Doug takes his offered hand and smiles at him. Carol shakes his hand as well but remains very close to Doug. The officer is not at all what either of them had expected. He's tall, about 6'3, with black hair and a toothy, white grin. He looks more like a model than a police detective. "Please, follow me. We'll talk in my office," he says. He leads the way and they follow him.
Det. Grayson closes the door behind them and offers them both a seat in front of his desk. They sit and he walks to the other side of the large oak desk and does the same. "Okay, where would you like to start Ms. Hathaway?" he asks.
She looks nervously at Doug, then back at the officer. "I don't really know," she admits.
"That's okay," he assures her. "Just try to get comfortable and tell me what you remember," he says. She's scared. Reliving this story seems to get worse every time she thinks about it. But, somehow, she feels at ease with this man. He has a manner, a way about him that makes her feel safe. This, along with Doug being right by her side, is probably the only thing that propels her on with this story again.
She tells him just what she had told Doug the night it happened. She explains that she was getting out of the shower and heard a noise and went to see what it was. She tells him about the man grabbing her and dragging her to the bathroom. He notes her descriptions of the mask, his build, everything she can remember. "And his eyes," she says. "I'll never forget his eyes. They were blue, clear blue. But it wasn't just the color. There was something evil and . . ." she stops, looking like she has just remembered a forgotten detail.
"What?" Grayson asks.
"I don't know . . . it's just, maybe . . . well, I kind of got the feeling they were familiar to me. It was so strange. When I looked in his eyes I could have sworn I had seen those eyes before. But the look in them, I had never seen that."
"Do you think you know this guy?" Grayson asks.
"Know him? Well, no, I don't think so. I mean, it all happened so fast and I could be completely wrong about his eyes. The color is right but maybe I'm just confused about them being familiar. I can't really be sure . . ."
"Always go with your first instinct Ms. Hathaway," the officer says. "Do you know anyone with eyes that color blue?"
She thinks about this a moment. She finally shakes her head, "Not really. Do you?" she asks, looking to Doug.
"I can't think of anyone," he says.
"Well, keep thinking about it. This could be just the thing we need to nail this guy," Grayson says.
"What do you think the chances are at this point?" Doug asks.
"Of us catching him? Well, I'd say the odds are against us but he's obviously the type to try this again. And, when he does, we'll have all the evidence we need to link him to this case. In the mean time, you keep thinking and we'll keep searching. I have a team over at your house right now checking the scene."
"Oh God, my neighbors are going to think I'm dead," Carol says.
"No, we're very inconspicuous. There're only about five men there and they took unmarked cars.'
"Will this be public? Will I have to tell anyone about this? I mean, if you catch him?" Carol asks.
"Well, victims rights are a lot better now so you don't have to go public with anything," Grayson says. "Even if we take this to court, you can testify without the media identifying you. But, in my experience, it's hard to keep this kind of thing from the people in your everyday life. There's more than a chance they may find out. Especially if you do know the guy."
"But she doesn't have to let anyone know who she is to testify against him?" Doug asks.
"No, she has the right to remain anonymous. We can close the courtroom."
Carol looks a little relieved. Doug knows she is still very ashamed that this happened to her. It has to be hard not to be, even when you know better.
"Well, I really appreciate you taking the time to come in," Grayson says to them as he rises from his seat. They stand as well and shake his hand again. "If you think of anything else don't hesitate to call," he tells Carol and hands her a card bearing his name and several phone numbers.
"Thank you detective," she says. Doug thanks him as well and the two of them walk out together.
As they approach the car, Carol asks him, "Do you think they'll catch him?"
"Yeah, they will eventually," Doug says.
She nods and gets in the car, hoping eventually comes soon.
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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998
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