Dawson's Creek Series: Story #1

Confessions

by: Courtney

But every time I'm close to you

There's too much I can't say

And you just walk away

And I forgot to tell you

I love you

And the night's too long

And cold here

Without you

I grieve in my condition

For I cannot find the words to say

I need you so

~ I Love You, Sarah McLachlan

Dawson Leery flops down on his bed with a heavy sigh. It's Saturday evening and he has spent the entire day in detention. At first, he had figured the day would go okay, seeing as how Jen was there too. An entire Saturday stuck in the library with Jennifer Lindley . . . Dawson couldn't have written the script any more perfectly himself. But, things had *not* turned out as planned. He lays his head back on the pillows and sighs again as he stares up at the ceiling and begins to replay the last fifteen minutes of detention in his mind. He's been over this a hundred times, yet it still seems unreal. Josephine Potter? Joey? How in the world . . .

"Dawson?" he hears from the window. He sits up quickly in bed.

"Yeah?" he responds, though he knows the voice well. He watches as Jen climbs in through the window. "Hey," he says to her with a smile.

"Hey yourself," she says as she walks over and sits on the edge of the bed.

"Listen, Jen, about tonight . . . I'm not sure if I feel like catching a movie . . ." he begins.

"Dawson, it's okay. I didn't think you would. I understand. Actually, I just came over to see if you wanted to talk."

"About?" he asks, though he has a pretty good idea.

"About today, the library, Joey, everything."

Dawson sinks back into the pillows and squeezes his eyes shut. "I just don't know what to think anymore."

"What do you feel about all this? Do you like Joey?" Jen asks. She waits pensively for a response.

"Do I like her? Well, yeah, I mean, I *like* her. She's my best friend. I've known her practically my whole life. But do I like her in the way you mean? I don't know. I just don't know anymore . . ." he trails off and sighs again, seemingly at his wits end.

Jen scoots closer and touches his hand. "I'm sorry, I should go. You need time to think." She gets up and starts back for the window.

"Jen, wait . . ." he says. She stops and turns back towards him but doesn't move any closer. She waits for him to speak. "I . . . this isn't about you and I. This is about Joey and me. It's about my best friend and me. If we were talking about any other girl, there would be nothing to think about but . . . I just don't know how *not* to be friends with Joey. I'm going to have to figure this out. You do understand, don't you?" he asks hopefully.

"Yeah," she smiles, "I do. Call me tomorrow if you want to talk okay?"

"Okay," he replies. She walks over and puts her feet out the window. Just before she ducks her head out, Dawson says, "Thanks Jen." She just smiles, nods, and then she is gone.

Dawson is left alone with his thoughts once again. He gets up from the bed and walks over to a bookshelf in the corner. He picks up a large, leather photo album and carries it back over to the bed. Sitting down again, he begins leafing through the book. It contains pictures of he and his friends and family that go all the way back to when he was a little kid. A smiles tugs at his lips as he glances at the memories before him. Most of the photos are of him and Joey. He's known her for so long . . . how is he going to make it if things change? If Joey can't be his friend, what will he do?

A rustling at the window draws Dawson from his thoughts again. This time, he looks up to see Pacey enter the room. "What is this, Grand Central Station?" Dawson mutters as his friend steps into the room.

"Huh?" Pacey asks.

"Nothing," Dawson says. "So, what's going on?"

Pacey walks over to the bed. He looks down at the book in front of Dawson. "What have you got there?" he asks.

"Just some old pictures," he says.

Pacey smiles and points to one of the photos. "I remember that," he says. It is a picture of the two of them with Joey. It was taken on Halloween when they were about 9 years old. They had dressed up like the Three Musketeers.

Dawson smiles, "Yeah, we used to have a lot of fun together . . ."

"We still do, we just don't play with plastic swords anymore," Pacey interjects.

Dawson grins slightly, but not at Pacey's comment. He's thinking about all the times he's spent with Joey and Pacey over the years. Recently, it just seems like all of it has changed. "Why'd we have to grow up Pace? Why couldn't we all be nine years old forever?" he asks as he continues to stare at the book.

"Snap out of it Dawson," Pacey instructs. "This isn't helping you at all. We all grow up; its time to face the fact that everything is bound to change sooner or later. Life isn't a movie script, Dawson."

"Yeah, that's a fact that has been made abundantly clear to me lately. Nothing in my life seems to be going the way I had planned it."

"That's because you spend too much time planning and not enough time doing. Stop thinking so much! Stop trying to figure out every aspect of every decision you make before you even make it. Just let yourself live." Pacey is standing by the bed with his hand resting on the post. Dawson looks up at him but says nothing. He closes the book and walks back over to put it in its place on the shelf.

He sits back on the bed and looks up at Pacey with a sad look. "It's kind of hard not to think about it when you may have just lost your best friend," he says in a dejected tone.

"You didn't lose her," Pacey says quietly. "I think maybe you just found out a little more about her than you wanted to let yourself see. But, this has always been there Dawson. It certainly isn't news to me."

"Well, if it was so obvious I wish you would have filled me in," Dawson replies.

"Are you kidding? You mean to tell me that you never, not even for one minute, entertained the thought of you and Joey? You're not only kidding me, Dawson Leery, you're kidding yourself if you believe that."

"We're best friends!" Dawson protests.

"Well, you're my best friend, too, but you don't see me making goo-goo eyes at you. And you and I aren't nearly as . . . as protective of each other as you and Joey. There's always been something more between you two."

"Pacey, that's only because you and I are guys. I never needed to take up for you. You could take care of yourself."

"Do I need to remind you that Joey had detention today for beating up a running back?" he points out.

"I . . ." Dawson can't think of a response. "Well, you just know it's different. It's hard to explain but it just is."

"Yeah, I know. I know how it's different Dawson. I've been here from the beginning. I've seen this whole thing building since we were all playing together on the playground. This doesn't surprise me in the slightest."

"Well, whatever, none of that matters anyway because she hates me now."

"Dude, Joey does *not* hate you!" Pacey says with a laugh.

Dawson looks up at him, "Gee, I'm glad you find this so amusing," he says sullenly.

"I'm sorry, really, it's just . . . think about this logically Dawson. She practically professed her love for you today. Does that sound like the kind of thing someone does when they hate you?"

"You know what I mean. If she's felt this way for so long, do you even know how much it must have hurt her to see me with Jen?"

"You . . . God, Dawson, you amaze me, you know that?" Pacey says with a sarcastic chuckle. "Don't you even see it? I mean, think about what you just said. Your best friend basically just told your girlfriend that she's hot for you and what are you worried about? How Joey feels! Does that not tell you anything, bro?"

"Pacey, you just couldn't possibly understand . . ." Dawson says. He looks down sadly and traces the bedspread with his finger.

Pacey looks at his friend and his sarcastic comments are suddenly lost. His expression softens and he sits down on the edge of the bed beside Dawson. He claps his hand on Dawson's shoulder and says, "I understand . . . more than you know."

"How? How can you know what I feel right now when I don't even know?"

"Because, you feel like you just lost the best friend you ever had. You feel like, whether you want to admit it or not, the woman of your dreams just slipped away from you. Look, I know how stupid you think I am for this thing with Tamara. I know you think I'm just some horny teenager with raging hormones but . . ." he grows quiet and looks away. Dawson looks up at him. Quietly, Pacey says, "I really loved her, Dawson."

Suddenly, for the first time all night, it dawns on Dawson that he's not the only person in this world who has problems. "Pace, I'm sorry . . . I'm, uh, I'm being a real jerk." He scoots over to the edge of the bed so that he is sitting beside Pacey. "You know, if you ever want to talk about this . . ."

"Yeah, hey, that's okay. I think I might be better off just forgetting about it." Pacey suddenly springs from the bed, as if he's just becoming aware of what he has said to Dawson and he is uncomfortable with the way he has let his feelings be opened up for examination. "I, uh, I gotta go. I'm late and . . . well, I wouldn't want Deputy Doug coming to look for me in the squad car. I better hit the road." He walks quickly over to the window.

"Pacey . . ." Dawson starts to say but before he can get another word out his friend has disappeared. He sighs deeply again and collapses back onto the bed.

Joey sits quietly under the oak tree and looks up at the lights in the living room windows. Darkness has fallen over Capeside and the silence of the night air only serves to make her feel more alone. She's not sure that's a bad thing, though. She isn't sure she wants to be around anyone else right now. If she did, she'd probably be inside the house right now with Bodi and Bessie and little Alex. Instead, she is outside sitting under a tree in the front yard, feeling sorry for herself.

"God Joey, what in the hell were you thinking?" she says out loud to herself. She is sitting at the base of the tree with her legs pulled up to her chest and her head leaned back against the old tree trunk. A tear slips down her cheek as she relives that afternoon in her mind. It's too late to turn back now. If Dawson never knew how she felt about him before, he surely knows now.

The front door opens and Joey scurries quickly behind the tree so no one will see her. She hears Bessie's voice call, "Joey! Jo, are you out here?" Then she hears her say, "Bodi, maybe you should drive down to Dawson's and see if she's there."

She can hear Bodi say, "Joey will be fine. I'm sure she's with Dawson and he won't let anything happen to her." Bessie apparently decides he's right because the next thing Joey hears is her sister walking back inside and the door closing.

"Yeah, he'll take care of me. I never have to worry about anything as long as I have Dawson around," she says to herself in a sarcastic whisper. Her lip trembles as her tears start to overwhelm her. She fights them for as long as she can but in the end the tears win out. Joey lays her head on her knees and sobs.

A knock at the door wakes Dawson at 9 o'clock the next morning. "Yeah?" he calls groggily. He's still fully dressed and lying on the bed with the bedspread still made up. He doesn't remember falling asleep last night. The last thing he remembers is looking at the clock at almost 4am and wondering what Joey was doing at that moment. He hoped she was at home in her bed, sound asleep but he realized that, for the first time in their lives, he really had no idea where Joey was because he had no idea who she was anymore. It was like he didn't even know her now.

He is pulled from his thoughts as the person knocking at the door enters. It's his dad. "Morning, you sleep well?" he asks.

"Does it look like it?" Dawson asks with a weary grin.

Mitch Leery just gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to sit on the edge of the bed. "Anything you want to talk about Dawson?"

"Such as?"

"Such as why you were up half the night last night. I heard you in here until after 3 o'clock. And why you had a date last night and you didn't go. All you talked about Friday was that date with Jen. Did you two have a fight?"

"Dad . . . it's so complicated," Dawson says.

Mitch nods. "Well, if you want to talk you know where to find me, sport." He pats Dawson's knee lightly and gets up to leave.

"Thanks Dad," Dawson says.

Mitch smiles and nods. "Go on back to sleep. You look like you could use some more rest."

He nods as his father leaves. After he is gone, Dawson lays his head back down and closes his eyes. Just like the night before, every time he shuts his eyes he sees Joey in the library yesterday. She looks so helpless and upset and she is practically sobbing. His first instinct had been to run over and wrap her in his arms. 'Why is that?' Dawson wonders.

'Because she's your best friend you idiot,' his thoughts answer. He loves Joey, he knows that. She's always been his very best friend, his confidante, his . . . his . . . what? What else is she? Is she something more? Or does their connection end there? He had always told himself that their relationship didn't extend beyond the point of friendship. He had wanted to believe that, wanted to be able to keep things just as they were. But, then yesterday happened . . .

'It was the kiss,' Dawson thinks. 'That's what started this whole mess. I never should have let Abby con us into playing that stupid game. And I shouldn't have let Pacey push us into that dare.' But, that kiss had been something. He can't deny that he felt something. For a split second, it was as if they were the only two people in the world. She was wrapped up in his arms and he didn't need anything else to make him happy . . . But where had that feeling come from? He'd never had it before. Or, had he just never let himself feel it? Maybe that was it. Maybe Pacey was right. Had he been fooling himself into believing that Joey was *just* his best friend for all these years? It's possible, only . . . what about Jen?

That is the draw back. He might have actually considered all of this if it weren't for Jen. He'd never liked any girl as much as he likes her. When he's with her, he's always happy. If he really had feelings for Joey, would he have ever given Jen a second thought?

Still, there is something going on. He isn't dumb enough to just discount yesterday's events as the product of a group of bored high school kids going nuts in detention. A lot of true and honest feelings had been cast into the light in that library yesterday. Now, Dawson just has to figure out what he should do about all of this.

"Pacey! Breakfast!" comes the cry from downstairs in the Witter house. Pacey moans and rolls over to bury his head under the pillow. "Pacey, now!" his mother cries again.

"I'm sleeping. Leave me alone!" he moans quietly, though he knows she couldn't possibly hear him. He's just hoping she'll give up soon and let him go back to sleep.

"Pacey, mom says get down to breakfast now," he hears someone say from the doorway. He doesn't have to look up to recognize the voice of his sister Maggie.

"Tell her I'm not hungry," he says from beneath the pillow.

"Too bad, you still have to come downstairs. We're leaving in half an hour to go to Nana's house."

"No way!" Pacey says as he sits up in bed. He looks at Maggie, who is already fully dressed. "I am *not* going!" he insists.

Maggie smirks, "We'll just see about that," she says then turns on her heels to leave.

"Please, not today!" Pacey says to himself as he pulls the pillow back over his head. He has had a bad enough weekend without spending his entire Sunday at his grandparent's house listening to his brother, his dad, and his grandfather talk about the police force. They always manage to imply how much of a screw up he is by not being part of their little world.

"Pacey, up now!" Doug says as he enters the room.

"Leave me alone Doug! I'm not going anywhere. I have a test tomorrow and I need to study."

"Yeah right! You can study at Nana's. Now hurry up and get dressed before I have to drag you out of bed myself," he commands.

Pacey gives him a dirty look but pulls back the covers and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He's wearing plaid boxers and socks but no shirt. Doug throws some clothes at him and says, "Be ready in five minutes," then he leaves the room.

"Man, I *definitely* must be adopted," Pacey mumbles and starts to pull on the clothes.

Joey feels Dawson's lips press against hers and she hears a soft moan. She can't determine if it came from her or from Dawson but at this point she doesn't care. His lips taste sweet and feel moist against hers. She hopes her lips aren't too dry, she is incredibly nervous. She feels his hand come up to cup her cheek and she leans her face against his palm, feeling her skin tingle at his touch. Their teeth clink together and she feels his tongue brush her bottom lip. She wants to open her eyes to make sure it is really him, but she doesn't dare. What if she opens them to find that none of this is real? She's kissing Dawson Leery, something she has long dreamed about, and she wants it to last as long as possible . . .

"Joey?" a voice calls. She tries to ignore it, not wanting to be pulled from her embrace with Dawson. "Joey?" the voice says again, this time with more persistence.

"Dawson . . ." she mumbles softly.

"Josephine Potter!" the voice yells.

Finally, Joey's eyes fly open. It takes her a moment to realize where she is. She's not in the library kissing Dawson like she had thought. She's in her room, in bed. It was all just a dream. Now, Bessie is standing over her looking extremely annoyed.

"Where were you last night?" she asks.

"I . . . I was . . ."

"No, don't even make an excuse. I checked this room until 2am and you were no where to be seen. Were you at Dawson's?"

"Dawson? No, I . . . I was here. I was just outside. I . . . I needed to think . . ."

"Think? Think about what? You didn't seem to be thinking about the fact that I had no idea where you were. You weren't thinking of how worried I was and how you could at least have come home sometime before midnight to tell me where you were," Bessie yells.

"I . . . I'm sorry. Look, I just needed some time alone, okay? I mean, can't I get some privacy once in a while?"

"Joey . . ." she starts to reply in an angry tone.

"Bes, can I speak to you a moment?" Bodi asks from the doorway.

"Not now Bodi," she says over her shoulder.

"Yes, *now*," he says in a more demanding tone.

She turns to look at him, then looks back to Joey. With a sigh, Bessie turns around to head towards the door. Before leaving, she says, "We're still going to talk about this young lady."

"Yeah, I'm sure we will," Joey mumbles. Bessie opens her mouth to reply but before she can say anything Bodi pulls her out into the hallway and closes the door.

When they are gone, Joey rubs her hands roughly over her face. She's still out of it from that dream. She brings her fingers to her lips and touches them softly. The sensation of Dawson's lips had been so real, how could it have been a dream? It was just like they were back in that library . . .

"Damn Bessie for waking me up," she mutters to herself.

Joey sinks back into the pillows and closes her eyes, hoping to reenter the dream. It's no use though, she can't recapture it. Wherever she was, she has no idea how to find her way back. She looks up at the ceiling and wonders to herself what Dawson is doing right about now. He's probably with Jen having breakfast or going for a morning walk. She shakes her head in disgust, cursing herself for not being able to control her feelings for him. It would be so much easier to just hate him, if only she knew how . . .

By 11am, Dawson has long since given up on getting back to sleep. Instead, he has gotten up, changed into some fresh clothes, and is now sitting outside looking out over the creek. It's very quiet out, yet he is so lost in thought that he doesn't hear Jen approaching until she lays a hand on his shoulder. Startled, Dawson jumps and has to stifle a yell as he spins around. He turns quickly and looks relieved when he sees who is behind him.

"Jen! God, you scared me!" he gasps.

"Sorry," she says with a slight grin. "So, how are you doing?" she asks as she slides down to sit next to him.

He shrugs, "Okay I guess."

"You don't look okay," she replies softly. She places a hand on his shoulder and he stiffens his posture at her touch. Immediately noticing this, she pulls her hand back. "Sorry," she says. "I didn't mean . . ."

"No, it's not you. I'm the one who should apologize."

"It's okay, Dawson. I know you have a lot on your mind right now." They sit silently for a moment, then Jen asks, "Have you heard from Joey?"

"No," Dawson shakes his head sadly. "I haven't seen her or talked to her since we left the school yesterday."

"She'll come around," Jen says, trying to buoy his spirits.

"Yeah . . ." he replies uncertainly.

"Dawson . . ." she starts off. Her voice sounds very unsteady, as if she isn't sure she wants to proceed.

"Hmm?" he asks as he turns to face her.

"How do you feel about her?" she finally asks.

"About Joey? Well, I . . . I mean . . ." he stammers.

"No, forget I asked that. It's none of my business," she says.

"Yes it is," he says. "It's just . . . well, I don't really know. I mean, I care about her. She's my best friend. I don't want to lose that. But . . . I want to be with you. That much I know for sure." He smiles slightly at her and takes her hand in his. She returns the smile and they sit quietly and look out over the water together.

"Hey Jo, order up," Bodi calls to her as he sets a plate of food on the counter. It's a slow Sunday and he doesn't really need Joey's help but he could tell the last thing she needed today was an afternoon alone with Bessie. Joey is grateful for the distraction.

"Thanks Bodi," she says as she picks up the plate and takes it over to the waiting customer. It's 2:30pm and he is the only customer she has at the moment. After serving the food, Joey turns and walks back to the counter to sit down.

Bodi walks over to stand beside her on the opposite side of the counter. "So, you wanna talk about it?" he asks.

She looks at him and sighs. "I messed up big time," she says miserably.

"It can't be that bad," Bodi says, trying to make her feel better.

"You haven't heard what I did yet," she replies.

"You feel like talking about it?" he asks cautiously, not wanting to upset her anymore than she obviously already is.

Joey bites her bottom lip and looks down at her hands. "Yesterday, in detention, I uh . . ." she hesitates, then slowly continues. "I told Dawson that I like him. Well, I didn't actually *say* it but he knew."

"Like him? You mean like . . . Oh, I see," Bodi says as he catches her drift. "Well, how can you be so sure he knew what you meant?"

"Trust me, he knew," Joey laments.

"Hmm, well, that's not the end of the world, Jo," he offers.

"That's not the worst of it. I didn't just say it in front of Dawson. Pacey was there, and this girl named Abby who will no doubt tell every person in Capeside, and . . ."

"And who?" Bodi asks.

"And Dawson's girlfriend, Jen," she says.

"Oh," is all Bodi says in reply.

"Oh is right," she says. She covers her face with her hands and groans. "Oh God, I should never have let him kiss me!"

"Kiss you?" Bodi asks in surprise.

"Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare. Pacey dared us to kiss for fifteen seconds so . . . Oh my gosh, I never thought I'd feel like that. But, he was *kissing* me Bodi! Jesus, what am I going to do?" she moans.

"Sounds to me like you need to talk to Dawson. And, this time, I'd try it without the audience," he says.

"Easier said than done," Joey grumbles.

"No one ever said life was easy, kiddo," he replies. He pats her shoulder lightly then turns to go back into the kitchen.

"Yeah," Joey whispers to herself, "if there is anything in this world I know, it's that."

At 4 o'clock in the afternoon, Pacey walks up the front porch steps at the Leery residence. Dawson is sitting by himself in the porch swing. He looks pretty miserable.

"Your day *couldn't* have been as bad as mine," Pacey says as he sits down in a chair across from him.

"Wanna bet?" Dawson replies sullenly.

"Well, I spent a *lovely* afternoon at my grandparents house with my family. Me against dad, gramps, and Deputy Doug. I was doomed from the start," Pacey says in a sour tone with a sarcastic smirk. Dawson's expression does not change. Pacey arches his eyebrow, surprised to get no reaction at all. "Come on Dawson, life can't suck that bad," he tells his friend.

"Yes, it can Pace," he replies.

"What happened now?" Pacey asks.

"I think Jen is upset about this whole thing with Joey," he explains.

"Well, duh Dawson!"

"I know, she's got a right to be, but . . . now I'm not sure what to do. Either way, no matter what happens, one of them will end up getting hurt." He grows quiet for a moment, then says, "Pace, how do I decide which one to hurt and which one's feelings to spare? How can I possibly make that decision?"

Pacey frowns. "Sorry bud, I guess my day wasn't so bad after all," he admits.

"Gee, I'm so thrilled to win that bet," Dawson says as he rolls his eyes in sarcasm.

"Well, I see your point. You're in a rough spot. If you still hang out with Joey and stuff you will automatically hurt Jen because she knows how Joey really feels. But, on the other hand, if you blow her off for Jen, you're going to destroy Joey. I'd hate to be in your shoes, Dawson."

"Thanks for the summary," he replies.

"But, you know what?"

"What?" Dawson asks.

"If it were me, I'd have a hell of a lot harder time hurting the one I really loved. You have to follow your true feelings on this. That's the only way you can do this right."

Dawson looks at him, not sure what to say. So, if he "chooses" the girl he cares about the most who does that mean he's going to choose?

As if he can tell what Dawson is thinking, Pacey says, "Don't use your head on this one Dawson. You won't find the answer there."

After a moment of silence, Dawson responds, "Yeah . . ."

Pacey nods and starts to say something, but he stops when he sees Dawson's attention divert to the front yard. He turns to look in the direction of his friend's gaze and instantly knows what has drawn his attention. Joey. She's standing there watching them, not saying anything.

Pacey gets up quickly. "Uh, I really should get going." Dawson starts to protest but Pacey is already halfway down the steps. He stops for a moment beside Joey and places a hand on her shoulder. His mouth curls up at the corner in a small, reassuring smile, then he walks quickly away from the house, waving over his shoulder at his two friends.

After Pacey has left, Joey mounts the stairs slowly. "Hey," she says to Dawson in a voice so small that he barely hears her.

"Hey," he replies.

"I, uh . . . I thought we should talk," she says.

"What about?" he asks, his eyes avoiding hers at all costs. He feels bad about the fact that she's hurt, but he can't help but be angry with her, too. If she'd just kept all of this to herself they wouldn't even be worrying about this right now.

"Dawson, I'm sorry," she says in a pleading voice as she walks closer to the swing. He doesn't reply, just continues to cast an icy stare out towards the water. "So, that's how it is now? After all these years, all of the times we've spent together, you're going to let this be the end?" she asks.

He considers her words and has to look up at her now. He's prepared to yell at her for dropping all of this on him. His first thought is that she deserves his anger for managing to screw up his life so much in just a few minutes time. But . . . one look at her and all of that is lost. She has tears gliding down her cheeks and she looks so lost and alone that he can't stand it. Without a second thought, Dawson jumps up and wraps her in his arms.

She falls willingly into his embrace and sobs on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Dawson. I'm sorry I messed things up so bad," she says through her tears.

"It's okay Joey. I'm sorry for being a jerk. Maybe I was stupid for not knowing anyway." He pulls back from her just enough so he can look into her eyes. "We'll work it out," he says. "You're always going to be my best friend. I'm totally confused about everything else in my life right now, but that part I know for sure." Joey smiles slightly and Dawson brushes a few tears from her cheeks. They sit together on the swing, not sure what has changed and where it will lead them, but knowing life in Capeside will never be the same.

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