ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #21 continued

Tear In Heaven

by: Courtney

The morgue is an area of the hospital Doug and Carol rarely venture to. They see plenty of people die everyday in their line of work, but the sight of a body in the morgue is very different. There is no one in this part of the hospital that specializes in saving lives. All of the employees here are responsible for those with no chance left. It’s hard to see any person in this part of the building, but it is especially hard to come here knowing the person you will see is your own child.

Carol shakes as Doug pushes the wheelchair she is in through the doors of the elevator. A man named Malcolm meets them just outside. He leads them into the room where they have placed little Sarah Marie’s body. He shows them inside, then leaves them to say their peace.

The baby is wrapped in a pink blanket on the table. Carol looks at her and begins to cry softly. Doug approaches the table and looks down at his daughter. He sucks in his breath, even in death the little girl is beautiful. He touches her cheek and her skin is as cold as ice. He shakes a little as he leans down to lift her into his arms. She is so tiny. She wouldn’t have been much bigger if Carol had given birth to her a month later. She’s pretty close to the size of a full term baby. But, she feels so small and fragile to Doug. He looks down into her peaceful little face. He still can’t get over how pretty she is. ‘Just like her mom,’ he thinks sadly.

He carries his daughter over to Carol, who is still crying. He silently hands her the baby and she looks down at her as she cradles this precious bundle. She is unable to control her tears as she begins to speak to little Sarah. “Sweetheart, I love you so much. I want you to know how much we wanted you, how much we both loved you.” She stops as her tears overcome her. She composes herself a little, then continues, “You will always be my little girl. I’m never going to stop loving you.” She bends her head down and kisses the child she is cradling in her arms. “Good-bye,” she says. She looks back at Doug with the most mournful expression he thinks he has ever seen. He takes the baby from her and Carol collapses in sobs.

Doug looks again at his little daughter. “I love you, Sarah Marie,” he kisses her tiny forehead and sets her gently back on the table. He isn’t crying as he wheels Carol from the room. He is just too sad for tears.

Carol is sobbing so much when they return to her room that she cannot get herself from the wheelchair to the bed. She just sits there with her head in hands, utterly defeated. Doug leans down and takes her gently in his arms. He lifts her up and sets her onto the hospital bed. She is limp in his arms. He crawls into bed beside her and cradles her like a crying child. She clings to him, her agony at the loss of her child is more than anyone should ever have to bear. Doug holds her, rocking her gently, and stays with her until she cries herself into the temporary solace of sleep.

Sarah Burgess enters the hospital and goes immediately to the first familiar face she sees: Dr. Mark Greene. “Mark,” she calls.

He turns to see Doug’s mother approaching and nods, smiling softly to greet her. “Hello Sarah.”

“Doug called . . . he said to get here right away, that there was some emergency. Is everything alright?”

“I’m afraid not,” Mark says, placing his arm around her to lead her towards the elevators. “Doug needs to see you right away, I’ll take you to him.” They board the elevator and ride up a few floors to the floor where Carol’s room is. Doug is sitting in the chairs outside the elevator doors, obviously waiting for them.

“Mom,” he smiles sadly and she goes to him, hugging him. He feels safe in her arms, even if just for a moment. He clings to her for longer than usual and Sarah picks up on this right away.

“Something has happened, what is it?” Her eyes fill with trepidation at the thought of what Doug’s news might be.

Mark says, “I’ll just let you two be alone.” He reboards the elevator. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me Doug,” he calls before the doors shut.

Doug and Sarah are left alone in the in front of the empty chairs. The closest people to them are the nurses milling around at the other end of the hall. Doug takes her hand and leads her to the chairs, urging her to sit with him. She does. “Mom,” he turns to face Sarah, taking her hands, “Carol was in a car accident this morning on her way to work.” Sarah gasps and Doug begins to recount the sketchy details he has gathered about the accident itself. “She’s going to be okay though, she’s out of surgery and resting in her room.”

Sarah knows from Doug’s expression that something is terribly wrong. If Carol is going to be okay, she gathers almost instantly what this must mean. “The baby . . .” her eyes flood with tears and she touches her son’s cheek.

“It was just too late by the time they got to her. She . . . there was no chance . . .” he trails off, looking down.

“My poor baby,” Sarah cries. She takes Doug in her arms and cries softly as she holds him close. She pulls back, wiping her cheeks. “How are you and Carol doing? What can I do to help?”

“Nothing really. I don’t know what there is to be done. We just have to get through this,” he sighs.

“Have you called Helen?”

“Yes, she wasn’t home. I left a message for her to get here as soon as she could.”

“Is Carol alright? She must be devasted. You both must be,” Sarah says in a voice just above a whisper.

“She’s holding up, under the circumstances. She was pretty torn up when we went to see the baby though . . .,” his words are lost as he recalls the dire trip he and Carol had had to make earlier that day.

“You saw her?” Tears stream from Sarah eyes. She tries to regain her composure.

“Yes,” he smiles sadly at his mom. “She was . . . she was so beautiful. She was perfect,” his hands are shaking frantically and Sarah grabs them.

“It’s okay to cry, you know. It’s okay to let everything out,” she can tell Doug is holding back so much. But, he shakes his head.

“Carol needs me, I have to go. Could you please check on Charlie for me? She’s pretty upset.”

“Of course, of course I will. I’ll come back later, okay?”

“Carol will want to see you. She just needs to rest for a while now. You understand, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, sweetheart. I’ll go find Charlie and we’ll say a prayer for you both, for us all.”

“Thank you,” he kisses Sarah’s cheek and she hugs him once more. She smiles softly and turns to go.

Doug reenters Carol’s hospital room to find that she is still sleeping. He sits in the chair beside the window and looks out. He sees the Chicago streets far below. From his perch, he can see the nearby park. Though it is hard to make out the people below, he imagines all of the families that must be in that park today. Fathers playing catch with their sons and carrying their daughters around on their shoulders. Only yesterday, he felt like he was one of those men. He felt he would get to do those things with his child very soon. Now, he’s not sure he’ll ever have such a chance.

He closes his eyes and sees the face of his daughter. He’ll see that face in his dreams for the rest of his life. Yet, he never saw her little eyes open and look at him. He never saw his little girl smile. He never changed her diaper when she cried or wiped chocolate from her sticky fingers. He never saw her blow out the candles on a birthday cake or tear into her gifts on Christmas morning. All of these things he had planned for their life together. Now, none of it will ever come true. All of the nights he spent lying awake, watching Carol sleep and picturing them with the baby and with Charlie as one big happy family . . . It all disappeared in the blink of an eye.

His heart is heavy as he watches Chicago begin to celebrate this Fourth of July. But, there will be no fireworks for he and Carol, no parades. They won’t be at the annual Fourth of July cookout or participate in the softball game against the paramedics. Not this year. He can’t imagine ever celebrating this holiday again. Right now, he doesn’t feel like there is ever going to be anything to celebrate again.

The temporary escape Carol has found in sleep is short-lived. She awakes after barely an hour and looks to see Doug. He’s sitting by the window, staring out. He turns when he hears her stir and rushes over to sit beside her. “Are you okay, do you need anything?” he asks, taking her hands in his.

“Nothing you can give me, nothing anyone can give me,” she tells him. Fresh tears flood her eyes and she is overcome by the grief that is weighing down on her. There is nothing Doug can say to make this better, nothing he can do to take away her pain. All he can do is hold onto her tightly and allow her to cry. He has his arms around her, sitting beside her on the bed. She gains control of her tears and pulls back, lying against the pillows and staring up at the ceiling. Doug watches as she begins to speak.

“You know, I had a bag packed already,” she looks at Doug with a smile. “I had a little bag with two outfits in it. One was a tiny little sailor suit for if it was a boy and the other . . . the other was a white dress with little pink roses on the collar. You remember, the one I bought last month?” she looks to him and he shakes his head sadly as she continues. “I was going to dress her in that dress and wrap her in the blanket my mother made and take her home,” Carol’s tears flow freely but she manages to continue speaking. “I was going to show her the world. I was going to feed her and rock her to sleep every night in that rocking chair, sing to her . . . I was going to get up at all hours of the night when she cried,” Carol sobs, “and I was going to love every minute of it, Doug. Every moment would have been precious, every day would have been a gift . . .,” she looks at him, her cheeks covered in tears, her eyes swollen and red. She sucks in a breath and gives him a desperate look, “What will I do now?”

He looks at her, his dejected expression one of a man who is totally lost. The lines in his face become more prominent as he tries to fight off his own sorrow and think of some words he can say to give Carol just a little comfort. There are none. “I don’t know, I don’t know what we’ll do,” he puts his arms around her again.

“I’ve lost everything, Doug,” she cries onto his shoulder.

“You still have me. I know it’s not enough . . .”

She pulls back and looks in his eyes. “Your love has always been enough,” she tells him. “But, this was something extra, something special. This was *our* love. That little girl was a part of us, she was our future.” Tears continue to come forth as she speaks. “I just don’t see how our lives can ever be the same.” Neither does Doug. He holds Carol close as she collapses once more. All of the tears in the world couldn’t purge her of this grief.

After she has cried on Doug’s shoulder for quite some time, Carol looks up and says, “Where’s Charlie? I’d like to see her.”

He nods. “She’s downstairs somewhere with my mom. I’ll call down to Mark and have him send them both up. He leaves the room and heads for the nurses station. “Hi,” he says to the woman behind the desk. “Could I please use your phone to call Dr. Greene in the ER?”

“Of course, doctor,” she dials the number and hands Doug the phone.

“ER,” Randi answers.

“Randi, it’s Dr. Ross. May I please speak to Dr. Greene?”

“Yeah, sure, right away,” she sets the phone down and goes to find Mark. “Dr. Greene,” she says as she enters an exam room where he is examining a man who seems to have broken three of his fingers.

“Yeah?” Mark doesn’t turn from his examination of the man’s hand.

“Dr. Ross is on the phone for you,” she tells him.

Mark looks up at this. “Find Del Amico, have her finish for me here, okay?” Randi nods and Mark bolts from the room. He grabs the phone, “Doug?” he speaks into the receiver.

“Hey Mark,” Doug says sadly. “Listen buddy, could you do me a favor?”

“Sure, anything,” Mark replies.

“Carol really wants to see Charlie. She’s around here somewhere with my mom, but I don’t know exactly where, maybe in the chapel. I’d find them myself, but I don’t think I should leave Carol right now . . .”

“Say no more, I’ll find her and send the two of them up right away,” Mark tells him.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it,” Doug’s tone is still very somber.

“No problem, I’ll come up later tonight before I leave, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks. Thanks for everything, Mark.”

“You don’t need to thank me. Just take it easy and look after Carol. We’re all praying for you both,” Mark says.

“I will. We really appreciate everyone’s support. Thank them all for us, will you?”

“Of course.”

“I need to get back to Carol,” Doug says.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye,” Doug hands the phone back to the nurse behind the desk and walks slowly back to Carol’s hospital room. She’s sitting in bed, staring blankly ahead. “Mark’s going to send Charlie up as soon as he finds her,” Doug reports.

Carol nods but says nothing. Doug sits back in the chair beside her bed and they both sit in the silence. He looks at Carol and he knows she is thinking of the same things he is. When she stares at the wall, she doesn’t see this hospital room. She sees their daughter, the life they were all going to have together. He knows she’s picturing all of the what ifs and could have beens. He knows because that’s what he keeps seeing, too: What might have been but now can never be.

Charlie enters the room with Sarah close behind her. She looks first to Doug, then Carol. Carol smiles sadly at the girl as she enters. At first, Charlie isn’t sure what to do. Then, Carol extends her arms and Charlie goes quickly to her side. They embrace for a while, then Charlie pulls back. She has tears in her eyes as does Carol. “I’m sorry,” she says weakly.

Carol nods but doesn’t respond. She smiles sadly at Charlie once again. Then, she reaches past her and extends her hand to Sarah. Sarah grasps her hand and says softly, “It’s a terrible thing. If you need anything, anything at all, I’ll do everything I can.”

“Thank you,” Carol whispers. She looks to Doug who is watching sorrowfully from his chair. He casts his eyes down as they fill with pain.

Sarah and Charlie stay for a little longer. Not many words are exchanged as there don’t seem to be words that seem appropriate now. Finally, they decide to leave to allow Carol to rest. Sarah agrees to take Charlie home with her and says that they will be back in the morning. Carol thanks them both for coming and Doug gets up to walk them down the hall to the elevators.

As they wait for the elevator to arrive, Doug turns to Charlie, “If you need me for anything, I’ll be here.”

Charlie looks at him. She’s amazed at his statement. Even now, in the worst situation of his whole life, he is trying to be there for everyone else. “If you need me,” she says, “you know how to reach me.” She kisses his cheek gently and he hugs her.

“Thank you,” he whispers. They part and Doug turns to his mother. “Mom, thank you. Thanks for coming, for letting Charlie stay with you . . .”

“You don’t have to thank me,” she touches his cheek with her hand. “I love you, sweetheart. Call if you need us and we’ll be right here, okay?”

He nods and the elevator arrives. Sarah and Charlie step inside and Doug watches as the doors begin to close. He reaches out and stops them with his hand. He wants to say something more, but he’s not sure what. It just seems there is something missing in their words. Charlie looks at him. “Tell Carol I love her,” she says. He smiles and nods. “And Doug,” she says as he turns and the doors begin to close again. He stops them once more with his hand and looks at Charlie. “I love you, too.”

Doug smiles again, “We both love you, too, Charlie.” The doors close, this time for good, and the elevator begins its descent downward as Doug returns to Carol.

Helen arrives at the hospital at 2pm that day. She had been out all day and had returned home to find the message from Doug on the machine. His words as well as the tone of his voice had caused her to rush to the city and to Cook County Hospital. She finds out where Carol is and goes straight to that floor. She asks the nurse where Carol is and tells her she is Carol’s mother. The nurse nods and goes to retrieve Doug from down the hall. He appears, looking ragged and emotionally drained. “Helen, I’m glad you’re here,” he says as he approaches.

“Doug, what’s going on? Where’s Carol?”

He sighs and takes Helen’s hand. He leads her to an empty room and begins to relive the days events once again. He tells her of the accident and of Carol’s injuries. Then, he breaks the news of the baby’s death. Helen is distraught, as expected. Her eyes flood with tears. “How is Carol? Where is she now?”

“She’s sleeping. She’s pretty worn out. Carol’s been through quite a lot today.”

Helen nods sadly and continues to cry. “How are you doing? Are you okay?”

Her question surprises Doug. She’s never been concerned with him before. He nods and tries to smile. “I’m okay. Carol’s my main concern right now.”

Helen nods. “Just don’t forget, you need time to grieve as well.” Nodding again, Doug sits with her a while as she regains her composure. Then, he takes her in to see Carol.

Carol is still sleeping when they enter. Helen decides to sit with her a while. “Since you’re here, would you mind if I went by the house? I wanted to get some of Carol’s things for her since she’ll have to stay here a few days. But, I didn’t want to leave her.”

“Of course,” Helen says. “And Doug,” she says quietly as he reaches the door to leave. He turns to look at her. “Thank you for being with her today. She needs you more than anyone else in the world. I’m glad she has someone that loves her so much.” Doug smiles and nods sadly, then turns to go.

Doug drives down the street towards the home he shares with Carol and Charlie. He thinks of all of the times he imagined what it would be like to make this trip with his own child, on the day they brought the baby home. He glances around the familiar street. It seems like everyone is celebrating today. Several of his neighbors are having cookouts and parties. Cars are lining the street as he approaches his house. No cars are parked in front, only his. He gets out and makes his way up the sidewalk. His neighbor waves to him from the front yard across the street. Doug waves back and makes a failed attempt at a smile, then walks to the porch.

He opens the door and he is instantly shocked by what he sees. Everything is just as he left it. Nothing is any different in the house than it was when he left this morning. After all that has happened, he half expected to come back here and find the whole world had changed. He closes the door and makes his way upstairs.

He goes to the room he and Carol share and begins to pack a small bag for each of them. He gets Carol’s favorite nightgown from the drawer. He retrieves her robe from the bathroom. On the counter, he sees her prenatal vitamins. He silently picks them up and places them in the bottom drawer, out of sight.

Returning to the bedroom, he goes to the closet. All of Carol’s maternity clothes are in the front and he pushes past them to grab an outfit from the back. He quickly closes the closet to block out the sight. He packs her bag, then gathers a few things of his own for the night. Taking both bags with him, he leaves the room. He starts for the stairs, but something stops him. He looks at the door that is directly across from the master bedroom. The door is closed. He places both of the bags he is carrying onto the floor and moves slowly towards the door. His hand shakes as he takes hold of the knob and begins to turn it gradually. The door creaks open and Doug is met with the familiar sight of the nursery.

Everything seems the same. He walks in and stares around the room. He sees the toys, books, clothes, and baby supplies that he and Carol had received and purchased for their child over the last several months. He spots the pictures on the wall that Charlie had painted for them. The faces of he and Carol, each as an infant, stare back at him. He looks away. The crib on the right-hand side of the room catches his attention. He walks over and looks down into the bed. Seeing the emptiness within it sends a wave of anguish through him. Propped up on the tiny pillow, is the teddy bear his father sent him on Christmas. He had placed it there to give to his child when they finally brought her home. He had hoped this dear friend would become as special to his little girl as he had once been to him. Now, she would never get a chance to see him. He picks up the bear and retreats to the nearby rocking chair. He holds the bear against his chest and thinks of all that has happened, all that is lost forever. The bear falls to his lap as a tear slips down his cheek. He finally succumbs to the sorrow that has been building within him all day. He lays his head in his hands and cries for his little Sarah Marie.

   Back      Forward

Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

This page hosted by Get your own Free Homepage