ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #22

Since I Lost You

by: Courtney

Doug Ross takes the pen from the nurse’s hand and signs the form she has placed in front of him. He returns the clipboard to her which contains Carol’s release papers. She nods that everything is in order and Doug goes back down the hall to the hospital room where Carol has been for a week. When he enters the room, Carol is in the same place she was when he left her. She’s sitting in the chair by the window, staring out. He’s found her in that chair quite a lot in the past few days. In the days following the accident, Carol seems to have closed herself off more and more. She has barely said anything to him in days. It just seems as though she is trying to escape the entire world around her.

Doug goes over to the window and touches her shoulder. She doesn’t look up. “Everything is all set. Are you ready to go home?” She nods slowly but her eyes stay focused on the view she sees beyond the glass. A nurse comes in with a wheelchair and Doug helps Carol into it. He grabs her bag off of the bed and tells the nurse he’ll push her downstairs. The nurse nods and returns to her work. Doug and Carol begin the descent down the long hallway towards the elevators.

They go downstairs to the parking garage. Doug’s car is parked in front of the elevators. He waves to the security guard who had allowed him to keep it there while he got things ready for Carol’s release. “We’re leaving now, thanks,” he calls to the man whom he thinks is named Frank but he isn’t sure.

“Okay, Dr. Ross, no problem,” he walks over as Doug is helping Carol to the car. He takes the empty wheelchair from Doug, “I’ll get this back upstairs for you, sir.”

“Thank you,” Doug replies.

“Sure thing. You two take care now,” Frank says, smiling.

“We will, thank you,” Doug smiles back. His smile fades as he opens his car door and gets inside. There is no reason to smile lately. He looks at Carol who is staring blankly ahead. “Ready?” She nods. He reaches over and touches her cheek with the back of his hand. She looks at him sadly, but still doesn’t respond. He turns back to the wheel and starts the engine.

They drive in silence for a while, heading towards the house they have come to call home. About halfway there, Doug reaches down and turns on the radio. A song is just beginning. It’s ‘Since I Lost You’ by Genesis. The words begin to trickle from the speakers:

“It seems in a moment your whole world can shatter

Like morning dreams they just disappear

Like dust in your hand falling to the floor

How can life ever be the same

Cos my heart is broken in pieces

Yes my heart is broken in pieces

Since you've been gone”

Doug hears this and, for a moment, he is stunned at how much the lyrics seem to mirror his own feelings. He looks over at Carol and sees that she has tears in her eyes. He reaches up to change the station, but she puts her hand on his to stop him. “No, leave it,” she says softly. He looks at her a moment, then his hand returns to the steering wheel and his eyes revert back to the road ahead. The song continues:

“It's all too easy to take so much for granted

But it's so hard to find the words to say

Like a castle in the sand the water takes away

How can life ever be the same

Cos my heart is broken in pieces

Yes my heart is broken in pieces

Since I lost you

Ooh now you'll never see

Ooh you'll never know

All the things I planned for you

Things for you and me”

Doug pulls his car onto their street and they approach their home. Carol is looking out the window. Her gaze is far away, as if she sees the past or the future, but not here, not now. Their is a veil of sadness and grief over them both as the last verse of the song plays:

“I held your hand so tightly

That I couldn't let it go

Now how can life ever be the same

Cos my heart is broken in pieces

Yes my heart is broken in pieces

Since you've been gone”

Doug turns off the radio and looks over at Carol. He’s surprised to see that there are no tears on her cheeks. She is still looking out the window, silently reflecting on all that has happened. He gets out and goes around to her side of the car then opens the door and helps her out. They walk silently into the quiet house and he has his arm around her, leading her up to the bedroom. “Why don’t you try to get some rest,” he says as they step onto the second floor landing. She stops and turns towards the closed door to the nursery. Her eyes brim with tears. Seeing this, Doug says, “Don’t worry about that now. We’ll deal with it later. You need to rest now.” She nods sadly and he takes her into the bedroom and helps her undress. He takes a nightgown from her dresser drawer and helps her into it, then he leads her to the bed and pulls the covers up over her.

“I’m going to go down and get your things from the car. I’ll be right downstairs if you need me. Try to sleep, okay?” She nods sadly again and he kisses her cheek then turns to go.

Carol opens her eyes and looks around the room. She checks the clock and sees that it is 10am. She knows that Doug and Charlie have left for the day because she heard them leave hours ago. Now, she’s all alone in the house. It’s the first day of August and it has been weeks since she’s been here all alone. She’s been home from the hospital for almost three weeks. At first, Doug stayed with her everyday. Then, when he had to return to work, Charlie stopped volunteering at the hospital and stayed home so Carol wouldn’t be alone. And, when they both had something they had to do, Sarah or Helen would drop by and sit with her. It was all very nice of them to be there for her and try to comfort her, but Carol was just beginning to feel a little smothered. Last week, she had finally told them all that she just needed to be alone for a while. She insisted that Charlie start her volunteering again and that Doug keep his regular shifts at the hospital. She told Sarah as well as her own mother that they needed to get back to their regular routines and stop checking up on her all day long. It was just getting to be too much.

Now, sitting here all alone, she’s not sure she’s as ready for solitude as she had thought. With no one else around, she is left with only her own thoughts and they are not exactly pleasant company. She walks over to the window and stares out. She thinks back to the day, only three weeks prior, when they had buried little Sarah. Carol had only been home from the hospital for one day when they had had the funeral. She would never forget what it was like to sit there by Doug’s side and watch the priest bless that tiny casket before it went into the ground. That was the kind of pain that would never go away. She hadn’t been back to the cemetery since that day. Doug and Charlie had been back once to place flowers on the grave. Just this past weekend, in fact. But, Carol wasn’t sure she was ready for that. She still hadn’t gone into the nursery. She knows she has to face up to this eventually and start rebuilding her life, but she has no idea how she’s going to do it.

Doug walks into exam room two. “Hello, what seems to be the probl . . .,” he stops when he sees his patient. The woman in the exam room is holding a newborn infant who couldn’t be more than a month old. Doug catches his breath and tries to regain his composure.

“Doctor? Is everything okay?” the woman asks.

“Yes, yes, everything’s fine. I'm Dr. Ross. So, what brings you in today Mrs. Newman?” he asks as he looks at the chart in his hands.

“Brittany woke up with a fever of 101 this morning,” she says, indicating the tiny child in her arms. “I was terrified and I didn’t know what to do so I brought her right in. She’s been crying a lot too. She just got back to sleep a few minutes before you came in,” the woman seems to be growing more frantic as she tells Doug her story. He senses this and tells her everything will be just fine.

“Let’s have a look, shall we?” Mrs. Newman nods and sets Brittany gently on the exam table and stands just beside her, her hand on the baby. Doug begins his examination of the little girl and she begins to cry almost instantly. Her mother tries to quiet the child but it’s no use. She’s sick and she’s unhappy and nothing is going to calm her down. Doug continues the exam and determines that Brittany has an inner ear infection and that that is what’s causing her fever. “It’s very common,” he tells the mother, who seems very relieved. “I’ll prescribe some antibiotics and you will need to take her to her pediatrician on Monday morning.” He hands the prescription to the woman.

“Thank you doctor,” she smiles as she picks up the baby. Doug smiles back and turns to go. “Dr. Ross?” the woman says as he nears the door.

He turns to look at her, “Yes?”

“Could you do me an enormous favor? I need to use the restroom, could you watch Brittany for one second? Please?”

“I don’t know, maybe one of the nurses. . .,” he begins but Mrs. Newman has already handed him the baby.

“It will only take a second, I promise,” she smiles and heads out of the exam room.

Doug nods and looks down at the little girl in his arms. She’s a very pretty baby. She seems to be calmed down now as Doug watches her. Seeing this little girl makes him think instantly of Sarah. He wishes so much that he could hold her this way, comfort her when she’s sick, rock her gently to sleep. He smiles as Brittany yawns and looks into his eyes.

“Thank you, doctor,” Mrs. Newman says as she returns. She takes the baby gently from him. “Is everything alright?” she notices that Doug seems to be upset.

He nods, “Fine, everything is fine. Have a good day, Mrs. Newman.” He turns and quickly leaves the exam room and heads down the hall. He hadn’t realized until Mrs. Newman had returned that he had tears in his eyes as he was watching Brittany. He blinks them back as he enters the storage closet. He leans against the door and closes his eyes. He wonders if there will ever be a day when every little girl doesn’t make him think of Sarah?

By 11am, Carol has gotten up and taken a shower and she is making the bed. She’s determined to get her life back in order. She has to if she’s ever going to make it through this. She finishes making the bed and heads out of the bedroom to go downstairs and start on the laundry she knows has been piling up. When she exits the room, she stops. The door across the hall is closed. She has stopped and looked at it a hundred times since she’s been back home but she has yet to get up the courage to go beyond the door. She is lost in thought for a moment as she thinks about the room that waits just beyond the door. All of those things . . . Sarah’s things . . . What is she going to do with them? She’s been trying not to think of this, but it is inevitable. Eventually she will have to deal with the fact that none of those things will be used, not by her little girl. She needs to do something.

Suddenly, she finds herself moving towards the door. It’s as though she’s propelled to go inside the nursery, even though she isn’t sure she’s ready for what waits within the room. She reaches out and turns the knob. She slowly pushes open the door. As she stands in the doorway to the nursery, her hands cover her mouth. Carol tries her best to hold back her tears as she surveys the familiar room. The changing table, the toys, the clothes, the crib, all are familiar sights. But, she stops when her eyes reach the rocking chair. She swallows hard and steps into the room and walks towards the big, wooden rocker in the corner. It was only a few months ago that Doug bought her the rocking chair. It was his Mother’s Day gift to her. He had said that he wanted to get her something she would get a lot of use out of and this seemed like the most appropriate gift for a new mom. Tears fill her eyes as she remembers the day. She had been so pleased with the gift. Thoughts of rocking her baby to sleep and holding her in her arms to read a bedtime story had seemed so wonderful then. Now, those same thoughts fill her heart with anguish and cause her threatening tears to spill onto her cheeks. She runs her hand along the arm of the chair. She closes her eyes as she thinks of all of the time she planned to spend sitting in this chair, in this room, with Sarah . . .

An hour later, Carol is in the floor beside the rocker. She’s sitting with her head in her hands, crying. She’s not sure how long she’s been there or when she sat down. Time seems to stand still as she recounts the painful memories and thoughts that invade her mind. It’s very hard for her to be here, for her to sit in Sarah’s room. But, she knows this is something she has to do. She has to start facing all she’s lost and trying to live through it.

Doug is sitting in the cafeteria, alone. He’s been on his lunch break for a little less than half an hour and he still hasn’t touched his food. Ever since this morning, after that exam with Brittany Newman, he’s felt like he was in a daze. The whole day has been a blur to him.

“Mind some company?” he hears a voice ask beside him. Doug looks up to see Mark standing beside his table with a tray in his hand.

“No, have a seat,” Doug says to him. Mark sits. He glances at Doug with a concerned look, but Doug doesn’t notice. He’s too lost in his own thoughts to take note of Mark. “You feel like talking?” Mark asks him.

“Huh?” Doug snaps out of his trance.

“You look like you have a lot on your mind. Anything you want to talk about?” Mark asks.

“No, not really,” Doug says sadly, turning back to stare at his uneaten sandwich.

“Come on,” Mark says, rising from the table.

“What? Where are we going?” Doug looks up curiously as his friend starts from the table.

“To talk,” Mark says pulling Doug from the table.

“Mark, I don’t want to . . .”

“Maybe you don’t want to but you need to. Let’s go,” Mark urges. Doug finally concedes and gets up from the table, leaving his untouched tray of food behind. He and Mark go over to the elevators and get inside.

“Where are we going?” Doug asks his friend.

“The same place we usually talk. The place where you’ve helped me with some of my worst problems,” Mark replies. Doug knows where they are going. The elevator stops and they get out. Then, they head for the stairs that lead to the hospital roof.

Charlie is at the nurses station sorting through some files for Kerry Weaver when Carter approaches her. “How you doing today?” he asks.

She looks up, “Not bad. Not good either, but not bad.”

Carter nods sadly. He knows Charlie has been going through a lot lately. She was pretty broken up about the baby. Then, she had felt like she had to be strong for Doug and Carol. He knows why she’s holding back her feelings, but he also knows how much effort it is taking for her to keep all of this inside. “If you need to talk I’m always here. You know that, right?”

“Of course, John. Thank you,” she smiles softly and turns back to the stack of files in front of her. Carter nods and returns to his work.

Doug and Mark stand together on the roof and look out over the vast city below them. Chicago is living up to it’s famous nickname today: the winds are some of the strongest they’ve had all summer. Doug’s hair is tousled by the powerful breeze as Mark looks over at him. “You know, I think you’ll feel better if you get this off your chest.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Doug replies, not meeting his friend’s eyes.

“Yes, you do. I know you do.”

“Mark, I’ve been talking to Nina about this for weeks. Since the accident, Carol, Charlie and I have seen her twice a week. I’ve talked till I’m blue in the face.”

“Has it helped?”

Doug shrugs, “I guess. It’s hard to say. I don’t really think I could say I feel better, but I don’t know that I feel any worse. I don’t think I could feel worse,” he smiles sadly and averts his gaze back to the skyscrapers that dot the Chicago horizon.

Mark places a hand on Doug’s shoulder. “Something happened today, something you’re not telling me. What was it?”

Doug looks at Mark. It’s amazing how Mark always seems to know what’s on his mind. Best friends are funny that way. Doug doesn’t answer but Mark can tell by his expression that he has touched a nerve. He takes Doug’s arm and guides him to the floor of the roof. They both sit, side by side, backs against the shallow wall that surrounds the roof of Cook County General. Mark waits patiently as he can tell Doug is deciding if he is able to tell this story.

Finally, Doug begins: “I was fine this morning. I thought I was fine. I came in and my first four patients went normally. I had a fractured ulna on a seven year old, a 17 year old with recurring nosebleeds, a ten year old with poison ivy, an eight year old with a sprained ankle, and then . . .” Doug trails off as he thinks back to his next patient.

Mark looks at Doug with a comforting glance, urges his friend to continue. Doug finds his voice again, “I walked into the exam room and . . . I didn’t know it was an infant. I guess I didn’t really look at the chart. I just saw the peds case and grabbed it. I . . . I wasn’t prepared . . .” he trails off again, this time he rubs his hands over his eyes and through his hair, resting them on the back of his neck. He looks solemnly at Mark. “She was only a month old. That’s how old she would’ve been . . . one month.” He takes a deep breath and Mark places his hand on Doug’s shoulder.

“I know this hurts. I don’t know what I’d feel if I were in your shoes but I know you have to be going out of your mind with grief. I don’t know of anyway to make it go away. I wish I did, but I don’t. You just have to let this pass. Give yourself time, eventually things will get better,” Mark says. His eyes are full of sympathy and pain for what Doug is going through.

Doug nods, “I know. I just . . . when I saw her, that little girl, it was like . . . like for one minute I imagined it was Sarah. I could see her there. She was smiling at me and I could see Sarah’s face. I never even saw her smile, Mark,” this statement is so full of pain and anguish that Mark is unsure of what to say. Doug hangs his head and sighs deeply. He and Mark spend a while longer on the roof. No more words are exchanged between the two. Doug is silent in his grief as Mark is silent in his comfort.

By four o’clock that afternoon, Carol has left her place on the floor of the nursery. She is in the kitchen preparing dinner. She looks at the wall clock and notes the time. Doug and Charlie will be arriving at around six. She has their meal almost ready. All she will have to do is heat the food and put the bread in the oven. She thinks for a moment. There is something she feels she must do and she decides that she has enough time to do it before dinner. She goes to the closet and retrieves her purse then grabs her house keys and heads for the front door.

“Hey Charlie,” the girl turns to see Maggie Doyle enter the lounge. It’s 5:30pm and Charlie is off of work. She’s waiting for Doug who is supposed to be off at six. She’s been in the lounge for the last half hour, sitting by herself and thinking.

“Hi,” she says quietly as Maggie approaches.

Maggie sits down beside her. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, sure, fine,” Charlie says.

“John’s pretty worried about you, you know,” Maggie says.

“Why?” Charlie asks, rather surprised.

“Because, you’re his friend and he knows this whole thing is tough on you. I think of you as my friend, too,” Maggie adds. “If you ever feel like talking . . .”

“Thanks,” Charlie says, but turns away towards the window. Maggie nods. She gets up and starts for the door.

“It just . . .” Maggie stops as she hears Charlie begin to speak. She turns back and walks back to the couch. She stands beside Charlie and the girl slowly continues, “I don’t know. I’m afraid I’m just in the way now.”

“What do you mean? In Doug and Carol’s way? Why would you think that?”

“They don’t need me around. They feel too bad to tell me, but I know they have bigger things to worry about than some foster kid,” Charlie says, looking down.

Maggie sits down beside her, “I’m sure that’s not true. They care about you. John’s always saying how much they seem to think of you. He says he sees you with them and they treat you like a daughter. Even the hospital staff can see that from when you guys are around each other here.”

“They had a daughter. They don’t need me to remind them that she’s gone,” Charlie whispers.

Maggie looks up as she hears a sound behind her. It’s John. He’s been standing in the doorway, silently listening. He motions to Maggie to let him talk to Charlie and Doyle gets up and walks for the door.

When Charlie looks up to see where Maggie is going, she sees John beside her. Her eyes are full of tears. He touches her shoulder. “You know they love you,” he tells her softly. “They need you now more than ever. You’re the daughter they have left.” His words are gentle but the force of sincerity behind them is strong. Charlie looks at him for a moment, then nods, sniffing and wiping at her teary eyes.

She calms down a little as John sits closer to her and holds her hand comfortingly. She looks at him, “You’re my best friend, you know that?” He nods and smiles.

“You’re my best friend, too.”

Carol walks slowly towards her destination. Even though it’s only ten minutes on the El, the journey to this place seems like the longest one she’s ever taken. She walks now with a bouquet of tiny, white roses in her hand. She enters the gates and breathes in deeply. She remembers a superstition she had heard as a child that said you were supposed to hold your breath when you passed a graveyard or you’d breath in the spirits of the dead. There’s only one spirit on her mind today.

She walks at a solemn pace towards the site she’s only been to once, but who’s location she’ll never forget. As she nears the small, white headstone, she sucks in a labored breath. Tears fill her eyes but she blinks them away. She looks down at the freshly cut marble before her. The inscription is permanently etched in her memory:

Sarah Marie Ross

July 4, 1998

Our Princess

Carol places the flowers she has brought onto the ground in front of the marker. She touches her fingers to her lips then presses them to the cold stone. She smiles as tears fall onto her cheeks. “Mommy loves you,” she whispers. She slowly rises and, with one last glance behind her, heads back along the path towards the gates.

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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

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