ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #23

Learning To Cope

by: Courtney

Carol reaches over to turn off the alarm clock and slowly rises from the bed. As she gets up, Doug begins to stir. He raises his head and opens his eyes just enough to glance up at her. “What time is it?” he asks.

“Five-thirty,” Carol whispers, “go back to sleep.” She starts away from the bed but Doug sits up and grabs her arm.

“Wait,” she turns back to him. “Carol, are you sure you’re ready for this?” Doug’s eyes are filled with concern. Today is August 28th and it’s been almost two months since the accident. Carol is supposed to start back to work at 7am this morning.

She sighs and sits down beside Doug on the bed. “I told you, I can’t stay here forever. The longer I stay in this house all day, the more I think about all that’s happened. I just think it’s better if I try to get back to my life,” she takes Doug’s hand and kisses his cheek. He smiles a little at her. “I’ll be fine,” she assures him and gets up to head for the bathroom.

“I just wish you had picked your first day back as one of the days I was working. I wanted to be there.”

“I know, but I thought it would be better if I saw how things went without you there,” she calls from the bathroom as she turns on the shower. She pokes her head back out the door and says, “I need to be able to stand on my own two feet again, Doug. You can’t hold my hand forever.”

He gets up and walks over to the bathroom door. “I know that. But, I also know that I am always going to be here for you. I don’t want you to get so caught up in standing on your own that you forget about all the people who care about you. It’s great to be independent, Carol, but it’s okay to lean on someone from time to time, too.” He takes her hand and she smiles at him.

“I know. I won’t forget.” She reaches up to kiss him. “I need to get ready,” she says and then ducks back into the bathroom to get into the shower. Doug looks at the bathroom door for a moment, then nods sadly and goes downstairs to make Carol some breakfast before she leaves.

Charlie grabs her books off of the seat and reaches for the door handle. She looks back at Doug. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay home?” she asks.

“No. It’s your first week of school. You can’t stay out already. Besides, I’ll be fine. I’m going to go home and take a nap, then I have a few things to do around the house, and then I’m meeting Carol at the hospital to take her to lunch. Don’t worry, everything is okay. You just get to class, okay?” he tries to lighten his expression but Charlie can still see the worry behind his eyes. He’s not too thrilled with Carol going back to work already. He knows how hard it was for him to go back after the accident and see all of those kids all day. He’s just afraid of how Carol will react to all of that.

Charlie nods. “Alright, but if you need me . . .,”

“Go! You’re going to be late for homeroom,” Doug smiles. She gives him one last look to evaluate the situation. She decides he isn’t going to accept her offer and turns away from the car to head towards the large brick building behind her. She looks back as Doug drives away and she’s still not sure she should have let him go alone. The truth is, he’s been just as much of a mess as Carol has these past few months. Things have been getting better, but it’s still so different than it was before Sarah died. Doug and Carol used to be happy. They used to wake up in the morning and go down early to make breakfast together. Charlie can’t count the number of times she walked in on them in the kitchen wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing passionately. She always teased them for being all over each other, but deep down she found it kind of cute. It was comforting to see that love like that could exist, love that could conquer anything.

Now, all of that’s changed. When Carol left for work this morning, she kissed Doug’s cheek and Charlie’s forehead then left. Charlie can remember it taking them twenty minutes on the porch to say good-bye when Doug went to the store for a carton of milk.

Doug’s car is out of sight now and Charlie turns slowly to head up the steps of William McKinley High School. She makes it to class just as the bell rings and sits down in her desk to fall back into her deep thoughts about what is happening to the only family she has ever had.

Doug pulls away from McKinley High School. He sees Charlie hesitate, then turn to enter the building. He drives back the way he came, back towards the house he, Charlie, and Carol have shared for quite a while now. As he drives, his thoughts turn to Carol. He’s very worried about her. ‘Why couldn’t she just have waited to start back on Monday?’ he thinks. He could have been with her then. He offered to work today but Carol was very adamant that she wanted him to keep his day off and let her do this alone. She could be so stubborn sometimes.

Doug is so lost in his thoughts of Carol that he misses the turn he usually takes to get back home. He realizes this as soon as he passes the street but it’s to late to make the turn so he drives on, deciding to take the next street and cut back across. He approaches a crosswalk and brings his car to a stop as a crossing guard steps into the street in front of him. She holds up a stop sign as she walks across the street with several small children in tow. Doug watches the kids walk in front of his car. They look to be about 7 or 8 years old. His eyes follow them across the street and he sees where they are headed. He stares as he realizes he is stopped in front of the local elementary school. Outside of the school, parents are dropping their kids off. Doug watches sadly as a man gets out of one of the cars in front of the school and helps a little girl from the passengers seat. The girl looks like she is barely five, if that. She’s dressed in a pink dress and has a purple book bag that is almost as big is as she is. The man, presumably her dad, takes the bag from her. Doug’s window is rolled down and he can hear the man say, “Come on Madeline. Mrs. Feldman is waiting.” The little girl hesitates as her dad moves towards the front doors of the school. He looks back at the girl. “What’s wrong sweetie?” Doug hears the man ask.

“I want to stay with you daddy,” Madeline says. She sounds on the verge of tears.

“Oh honey, school will be so much fun. You’ve already missed the first few days. You don’t want to miss anymore of the fun the others are having, now do you?” Madeline’s dad walks over and hugs his little girl. She clings to her daddy. “It’ll be okay. Daddy will be back before you know it.” Madeline finally agrees and takes her daddy’s hand as he leads her towards the school.

Doug is watching this scene unfold and he feels a pain in his chest. From behind him, at loud honk is heard. He breaks from his trance as he realizes there are people behind him waiting for him to move his car. He waves back at them apologetically and turns down the next street. The street is a quiet, residential one and it’s not busy at all. As Doug moves further down the road, he can’t get those images from the school out of his mind. He sees himself helping his little girl out of the car on her first day of school. He can almost feel her little hand clasped tightly in his as they make their way up the steps together. ‘She would be reluctant to go, too,’ he thinks. He can hear a tiny little voice telling him, ‘I want to stay with you daddy.’ Doug’s vision blurs and he pulls his car to the side of the deserted street. His head slumps forward and he covers his face with his hands.

Carol walks into Cook County General just before 7am. Everyone stops and watches as she enters. She smiles, “Morning,” she says to her audience. The others smile and wave and try to resume their normal activities but several pair of eyes are still drawn towards the lounge as Carol enters the door. Mark is among those who are watching and he sets down a chart in his hand and walks away from the nurses station and into the lounge. Carol is pouring herself a cup of coffee as he enters. “Good morning, Mark,” she says, taking a sip from the Styrofoam cup in her hand.

“Morning, Carol. How are things?” he cautiously asks, not sure exactly what to say to her.

“Things are better. How are ‘things’ with you?” She can see he is unsure what to say to her. Doug has been the same way, treating her like some fragile flower that will wilt at the slightest wrong word.

“Fine,” Mark tugs nervously at the watch on his wrist, searching for a topic of conversation.

“I’m not going to burst into tears at every word, Mark, stop worrying,” Carol says.

Mark looks up quickly, surprised by this remark. “I . . . I know. I just . . . well . . . it’s your first day back . . . I know it’ll be rough,” he stammers.

“Yeah, well, nothing could be rougher than the last two months have been,” Carol says sadly. “I’m actually glad to be back. This gives me something to do, a way to take my mind off of things.” Mark looks at her and though he can see the hurt in her eyes as even the thought of the accident crosses her mind, she manages a small smile.

Mark walks over and places his hand on her shoulder. “If you feel like talking at all today, or if things get to be too much or whatever, you find me, okay?” he looks into her eyes as he speaks. She nods and Mark nods back. “You sure you’re going to be okay? This is what you want to do?”

“I’m positive,” Carol says.

“Okay, well, I’ve got to get back. Just come on out when you’re ready. Take your time,” Mark says as he moves towards the door.

“Thanks Mark,” Carol says. He nods then leaves. She stares down into her coffee cup for a moment then sets it down on the counter. With a deep breath she turns and heads for the door.

“Hey Charlie, how’s it going? Charlie? Hello, earth to Charlie!”

“Huh?” Charlie turns around to see Michelle Williams standing behind her. “Oh hi Michelle,” Charlie replies.

“Hey, everything okay?” Michelle asks. She stands beside Charlie’s locker and watches her friend as she retrieves her books. Michelle is a very pretty girl. She has shoulder-length brown hair and blue eyes the color of sapphires. She’s always smiling and Charlie can’t remember her ever having an unkind word to say about anyone. She’s also one of the more popular students at McKinley High, which makes it all the more surprising to Charlie that Michelle would choose her as a friend. But, they do have a lot of fun together and Charlie really likes Michelle a lot.

“Sure, fine,” Charlie tells her. She had met Michelle last year when they had English together. This year they had both biology and French together. So far, Michelle is one of the only kids at McKinley High who hasn’t let Charlie’s abrupt manner dissuade her from trying to be friends.

“You seemed a million miles away just now,” Michelle says as Charlie closes her locker and the two girls move down the hall towards their first period class, biology.

“I’m just a little tired this morning,” Charlie replies, trying to brush past the subject.

Michelle sees that her friend is not in the mood for talking about this so she just shrugs and says, “Okay.” The girls enter the classroom and take their seats. Michelle’s desk is directly behind Charlie’s. The bell rings soon after they are seated and their teacher, Coach Woodruff, closes the door to the room.

“Okay people, lets open our text books to page 34 and get started on chapter two . . .,” Coach Woodruff says. Charlie and Michelle and the other students do as they are instructed and Coach Woodruff begins his ‘fascinating’ lecture on the life of an ameoba. Charlie stares blankly at the teacher as he draws on the chalkboard and gives a few notes. No one is paying much attention but the class is fairly quiet at least. Coach Woodruff is a big man, one of the varsity football coaches. He’s short, only about 5’7, but he has the build of a linebacker. His hair, what little he has left, is dark brown. He’s about 35 years old, or somewhere around there, and has a reputation around McKinley High of being a very laid back teacher who’s always friendly, especially to the girls. So far, Charlie figures he’s okay.

She picks up her pencil and begins to jot down some of what the coach is saying into her spiral notebook. She is trying hard to concentrate on the lecture but her thoughts keep drifting back to Doug and Carol. She’s sitting there with her pencil poised over the paper and her eyes out the window to her left. The coach’s voice is a low humming in her ears as she contemplates what to do about her family. Suddenly, the humming grows louder and the words being spoken become more distinct. “Charlie?” she hears from beside her. She turns her head and sees Michelle standing there. She looks around and notices that her classmates are all gone. “Class is over. Are you coming?” Michelle asks.

“Yeah,” Charlie says. She quickly gathers her books and gets up to follow Michelle out.

As they reach the door, she hears Coach Woodruff say, “Charlie, can I speak to you a minute?” She turns around to the coach and nods.

“I’ll catch up with you in a while,” she tells Michelle. Her friend nods and Charlie turns back to her teacher. “Yes sir?” she says as she approaches his desk.

“I noticed you seemed pretty far away in class today. I know it’s the first week of school and this is Friday but is there anything bothering you? Anything you want to talk about?”

Charlie looks down at her shoes. “No sir,” she replies. “Everything is fine. I’m sorry about today. I’ll pay more attention from now on, I promise.”

“That’s alright,” he says. Charlie nods and turns to go. “I heard about the accident,” she hears him say behind her. “I’m very sorry about your foster parent's loss.”

Charlie turns around, “Thanks,” she says with a sad look, “so am I.” With this, she turns and exits the classroom. She ducks into the girls restroom just as the bell rings to signal the beginning of second period. She knows she’ll be late, but she’s just not ready to face gym class right now.

Doug unlocks the front door and walks inside. The house is silent. He sets his keys on a small table in the foyer and goes into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He sits at the table and stirs the coffee absently as he tries to collect his thoughts. The day has barely begun and already it’s been exhausting. He can’t remember the last day he got up and felt good, the last day he welcomed the sight of the sun rising and peeking through the bedroom window at him. Lately, all the days seem to blend together and the only thing he welcomes is sleep.

Actually, even that is no solace anymore. For the past few nights, he’s awoken almost every hour from a horrible dream. Every time it’s the same. He’s sitting on a blanket in the park. Carol is with him and Charlie and Sarah are there, too. They are all out having a picnic. Laughter fills the air and they are all smiling and having a wonderful time. Carol is holding baby Sarah in her arms. She snuggles the little girl close to her and Doug watches happily with his arm around Carol’s shoulder. Charlie is on the other side of Carol, also watching the pleasant scene. Then, Doug turns for a moment to glance behind him. He turns back and he is all alone. He jumps up and begins to search for his family but they are nowhere to be found. He runs all over the park, but the place is completely deserted. He scours the streets of Chicago, but he finds no one. The entire city seems to be empty aside from him. It is at that moment, when he finds himself completely alone, that the dream always ends. He bolts up in bed, his shirt soaked with cold sweat, his body shaking frantically. He usually finds himself checking to see that Carol is beside him and a few times he has even gone to Charlie’s room to make sure she’s still in the bed.

At his last few sessions, he and Nina have discussed the recurring dream. She says that it is the manifestation of Doug’s fears. He’s so afraid of losing the people he loves that he can’t even escape it in his dreams. Nina tells him that it’s very natural to be afraid of losing people when you have such a devastating loss as he and Carol had. “Losing a child is the worst thing that you could ever go through,” she told him in their last session. “It has a very lasting effect, on the conscious as well as subconscious mind.”

“Will this ever pass?” Doug had asked her. “Will things ever be the way they used to be?” he seems desperate to put this behind him but unable to let it go.

“I can’t tell you that, Doug,” Nina had said. “It’s up to you to move on. However, I won’t lie to you. This isn’t the kind of thing you ever completely get over. You’ll always have pieces of this is your mind, in your heart. You just have to learn how to cope with things so you and Carol can get your lives back in order.”

Doug sighs as he remembers Nina’s words to him. He stirs his coffee again, then releases the spoon. He rubs his hands over his face and closes his eyes. It’s one thing to sit in Nina’s office and hear her tell him he has to learn to cope with all of this. But, it’s another to sit in his own house and even think about actually doing it. And, what about Carol? She seems to be getting things back together but Doug isn’t sure about that. She seems to be pushing her feelings back instead of working through them. He’s afraid she’s going to build all of this up and then one day it will all come crashing down on her. One of his biggest fears is that this will happen when he’s not there. He couldn’t handle it if anything happened to her. It almost killed him the last time he thought he would lose her. He still hasn’t completely forgiven himself for not being there for her when she took those pills. If she had died that night . . . He doesn’t even like to think about that. Now, after all that has happened, he knows there is no way he’d ever get over it if he lost her. She and Charlie are the most important people in his life. He can’t imagine what he’d do without either of them.

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