ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #34

The Rising Morning

by: Courtney

"The rising morning can't assure,

That we shall end the day!

For death stands ready at the door,

To take our lives away."

Mark steps off the elevator and walks slowly towards the nurses' station outside the ICU. It's been only minutes since he received the page from Dr. Michael Phillips. He had seen the ICU number in his pager and practically sprinted to the elevators. As he approaches, his mind is reeling with thoughts of what this page might be about. It's been nearly two months since Carol Hathaway became a patient here. Over those months, every page from this floor has sent the ER into a panic.

"Hi Dr. Greene," says Julie, the nurse on duty, as he approaches. "Dr. Ross is in with Carol."

"Actually, I'm looking for Dr. Phillips. He just paged me." He's relieved to hear she wasn't aware of the page. It makes him think the chances are better that nothing has happened to Carol.

Julie smiles and nods. "I'll page him to the desk. Just one moment."

"No need Julie, thanks," Dr. Phillips says as he rounds the corner. "Mark, I'm glad you came so quickly." He walks over and begins leading Mark away from the nurses' station.

"Has something happened?" he asks, fear permeating his voice.

"Why don't we talk in here?" Dr. Phillips suggests as he points to an empty room just in front of them. He and Mark walk in and sit in two chairs by the window. When Dr. Phillips turns to face him, Mark knows the news isn't good. The expression he sees before him is all too familiar. It's the same look he gives the family and friends of his patients when he prepares to tell them something horrible. He braces himself as his colleague takes a deep breath and begins.

"We got Carol's latest test results back this morning," he says. The doctor looks sympathetically at Mark and he feels a rush of fear shoot through him at this look. "Things don't look very good, I'm sorry," Phillips says. As the shock of the next few sentences sinks in, Mark feels a sick feeling overtake him. It's almost surreal as Dr. Phillips describes the results. Mark hears "her body is beginning to shut down," and "not much time left," through the fog that has enveloped him. The last thing he hears is, "she may make it through Sunday."

May? Is he hearing this right? It's Tuesday. Carol isn't expected to live past Sunday? Carol Hathaway? Can this really be happening? His mouth is dry and he can't find his voice.

"I'm sorry, Mark, I really am," Mike Phillips says, laying a comforting hand on Mark's shoulder.

Mark nods almost unconsciously and stares blankly at him, still not wanting to believe his ears. Finally, after a moment, the reality of the situation begins to sink in. "Has . . ." he begins in an unsteady tone. "Did anyone tell Doug?"

"Not yet," Mike says. "I wanted to talk to you first. I thought he might take the news better from you."

"Yeah, yeah, I should tell him," Mark agrees. "He's with her?" he asks.

He nods, "He never leaves her side." Mike's tone is filled with sadness. He sits for another moment across from Mark, then slowly rises from his chair to leave. As he exits the empty hospital room he says again, "I'm sorry."

Mark walks up to room 414. He looks through the small window and sees what has become a familiar sight. Doug is sitting in a chair beside Carol's bed. As the myriad of machines beep around them, he clutches Carol's hand tightly in one of his as he gently strokes her cheek with the other. Mark can't see his face, but he's sure Doug is whispering lovingly to Carol, urging, pleading, for her to open her eyes.

This scene brings renewed sadness to Mark. He stands outside a moment longer, gathering his courage for what he must do.

Doug turns as Mark enters. He smiles sadly, never releasing Carol's hand. "Hey," he says softly.

"Hey," Mark responds. "Can I talk to you a minute?"

Doug glances back at Carol, as if considering whether or not to leave her. Finally he responds, "Sure," and gets up. He lays a gentle kiss on her forehead then follows his friend out of the room.

Mark leads Doug back to the empty room that he and Dr. Phillips have just left. "Have a seat," he tells his friend as he motions to one of the empty chairs.

Doug sits and looks at Mark expectantly. "What is it?" he asks. His tone tells Mark that he senses the graveness of the impending conversation.

Mark takes a deep breath. He swallows hard, clears his throat, and begins to deliver the dreadful news. As he speaks, Mark doesn't hear his own words. Instead, his mind goes back to the day that, in this very hospital, he had to tell his best friend that his baby daughter had died. Now, not even a year later, he is telling the same man that he will lose someone else very dear to him. Mark can't help but wonder how God could see fit to heap so much pain on one man.

Doug listens silently as Mark explains how Carol's tests indicate her body is beginning to shut itself down. He repeats what Dr. Phillips told him about her not having much time left.

"How long?" Doug asks. Mark doesn't answer. "How long?" Doug repeats, his voice filled with anguish.

Mark hangs his head and, in a voice barely above a whisper, he says, "Sunday."

Doug stares a moment, then gets up and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" Mark asks.

"Back to Carol," Doug responds and then he is gone.

Doug sits in his place alongside Carol's bed. His eyes are full of tears as he stares at the woman he loves more than life itself. His mind races as he tries to imagine what he'll do without her. Just the thought of losing her breaks his heart. He strokes her cheek gently and whispers, "Please don't leave me, please."

Mark stands at the door and watches Doug once again. His friend is back to his post where he has held a constant vigil for nearly two months now. It's hard to accept that it is almost over. Mark is devastated by the very thought of Carol's death. But, at the same time, he can't help but feel that maybe, in some small way, this is sort of a blessing. If Carol has to die, it's better for Doug to let go now. The longer she hangs on the more he will suffer. 'Maybe Carol knows that and that's why she's letting go,' he thinks sadly.

Beyond the tiny window, Doug's head drops as if in prayer. Mark says a silent prayer of his own, asking God to see everyone, especially Doug, through this horrible time. Then Mark looks back one last time at the heart-wrenching scene beyond the glass before he turns to walk away.

Doug raises his head once again to look at Carol lying, unmoving, before him. His eyes still brim with tears but they remain unshed. He is trying with every ounce of his being to remain strong for her. His mind just won't let him release that last bit of hope he still holds fast to. In his head, he knows there is medically no hope left, but his heart is another story. There, he will always love Carol and always believe in miracles.

He watches her and his mind begins to wander to other, happier times. He thinks back to that day, only a few years ago, when he finally got up the nerve to go to her house. He'd never been so nervous in his life than he was as he waited under the El tracks for her to return from that date with Toby Minz. 'Toby Minz,' Doug thinks with a smile. If it hadn't been for her date with him that night, Doug might not have willed himself to go see her. He'd never regretted that decision for one moment since.

Even now, as he goes through the worst pain he's ever felt at the thought of losing Carol forever, he knows the last two years have been worth it. One day of their life together would have been worth a thousand heartaches. He can't even fathom what his life would have been if she'd never walked into it. He knows he'll never find anyone to love the way he loves Carol. The thought that something so wonderful and special is slipping out of his grasp is almost more than he can bear, but the thought that he ever found it in the first place is truly miraculous. No matter what lies ahead, Doug knows the time he and Carol have had together was a gift. It's a gift he'll cherish with all of his heart and soul until the day that he dies.

Doug's mind continues to wander as he thinks back over all that he and Carol have faced together. There have been plenty of good times but also plenty of bad. In his mind's eye, he sees Carol being wheeled into the ER the day she attempted suicide. In some ways, that day seems to have been a lifetime ago, but in others, it's like yesterday. He'd never been so scared. He thought he'd lost her that day, too. He'd never expected to get another chance then . . . but he did. Could he be lucky enough to get Carol back again? All he can do is pray . . . and wait.

Charlie comes into the ER and approaches the nurses' station. She notices Haleh and Chuny standing nearby. They are both in tears. Neither of the nurses sees Charlie and she stands back to listen. She is just beyond their view, but she can hear their conversation clearly.

"I can't believe it," Haleh says tearfully. "How could something like this happen to her? She's so young . . . her life was just getting started."

"I know, it's just so awful. I can't imagine never seeing her again. It seems like any minute she'll walk out here and take charge. I don't know what we'll do without her." Chuny chokes up and begins to cry.

Jerry joins the conversation. "This is going to be so hard on Dr. Ross and Charlie. It's just so sudden. I still can't believe Carol's . . ."

He doesn't finish because he can't bring himself to say the rest. Charlie knows what Jerry was thinking though. Carol is dying. Charlie suddenly can't breath and she slumps down on the floor with her back still against the wall beside the nurses' station. Tears well up in her eyes as the truth begins to sink in. Not wanting to breakdown out here where everyone can see her, she struggles to her feet and stumbles to the bathroom. None of the nurses notice as she slips quietly by.

Charlie enters the bathroom and goes into one of the empty stalls. She is all alone. No one else is in the bathroom, just her. She leans against the cold partition that separates this stall from the next and slides down, landing hard on the floor. She doesn't even feel it as she hits the ground. She's shaking and sobbing too much to notice anything else around her. Charlie buries her head in her hands and cries. She cries more than she ever has in her entire life. She doesn't feel like she will ever stop. And, at this point, she's not sure she wants to.

John Carter watches as Charlie walks into the ER. He is about to approach her when he notices she has stopped just around the corner from the nurses' station. Several members of the staff are standing around talking and Carter can tell Charlie is listening. He is too far away to hear the conversation, so he just watches.

While John observes, he sees Chuny and Haleh are both crying. He knows they are probably very upset about Carol. When Mark had come down an hour ago and told everyone that the doctors only expected Carol to hang on for a few more days . . . well, it was quite a blow to all of them. They lost people everyday, and they had even lost a few of their own over the years, but Carol Hathaway? That was absolutely . . . unfathomable. John is still in shock himself.

He watches as Charlie listens to the conversation. Judging from the expressions on the nurse's faces and the reaction Charlie is having, he figures they are discussing the situation with Carol. He's about to approach Charlie and see how she's doing when he sees her slump against the wall. He watches as she suddenly gets up and goes unsteadily towards the ladies room. She disappears inside before he can reach her.

Standing in front of the ladies room door, John wonders if he should go in. He listens for a moment and hears nothing within. Then, he hears her sobs. He stops thinking about whether or not he should enter and just goes in. He peeks under the stalls and sees Charlie sitting on the floor of the last one. She's crying so hard that she doesn't even hear him approach. "Charlie?" he says as he stands outside the stall.

She sniffs loudly but doesn't respond. She just keeps crying.

"Charlie, please open the door. Please . . ."

She finally reaches up to slide the latch open and John goes into the stall with her. He sits in the floor beside her and takes both of her hands in his. She looks at him. Her eyes are red and swollen. Her mouth opens and she says, "John . . ." before she succumbs to her sobbing once again.

He takes her in his arms. "I know, I know," he soothes. He rubs her back and holds her close as she continues to cry. "It's okay," he says.

"No," she sits up and looks at him. "It's not okay, John. It'll never be okay again. I know what's going on. I heard everyone talking . . ." In a very small and helpless voice that is barely a whisper she breathes, "She's dying."

He wants to comfort her the way he has been for months. He wants to tell her that Carol is strong and that she'll pull through. Up till now, all of that was possible. He said those things to give her hope. Now, all his words will offer is false hope. It's become painfully clear that none of those things are going to happen. Carol isn't going to get better; she isn't going to pull through. Carol is going to die.

"I'm so sorry," are all the words John can think to offer. She shakes her head and begins to cry again. If only sorry were enough.

Doug is still sitting by Carol's bedside. He hasn't moved since he spoke to Mark earlier. He's afraid that, if he leaves, something might happen. "Carol, sweetie, can you hear me?" he asks quietly. There is, as usual, no response. "Sweetheart, I know you can pull through this. Doctors don't know everything. I'm proof of that, right?" he laughs a little at his own joke as tears fill his eyes.

"God wouldn't take you, not now; and not like this. I believe in you, Carol. And, even more than that, I believe in us. You remember all those plans we were making before you got sick? Remember? You can't leave me now. Our life together is just starting. We still have to get married and have another baby and watch Charlie finish growing up. You were going to sit in the front row at her high school graduation and cry at her wedding, remember all that Carol? You're not done yet. You still have a lot left to do here. Come back . . . please."

He stops talking and just holds her hand and watches her. He really believes all of what he's telling her. At least, he really wants to believe it. He still doesn't accept what everyone is saying, that she's going to die. 'She won't,' he thinks. 'I know she won't.'

Her hand is still pressed gently into his as he watches her. He finds himself thinking back again. But, this time, it's not the important things like when they got back together or when they realized they loved each other that make him think back. Right now, he finds his mind dwelling on things he can't even believe he remembers. Like that day they did the safety check for Kerry. Or, the time she got everyone to go up to one of the other wards and sing Christmas carols. These things didn't seem like very significant events at the time, but now he cherishes them as much as any moment in their lives together. He'd give anything to be able to go back to those times. Even if he could go back to the time she was with Tag, he'd take being apart from her over losing her forever. 'What am I going to do?' Doug wonders helplessly.

He sighs and hangs his head once more. He brings Carol's hand to his lips. Her fingers are pale and seem so fragile to him as he gently kisses her knuckles. He looks up into her pallid face and he can't possibly begin to imagine his life without her. He has always been able to look into her eyes and see his future, see everything he ever wanted and more than he ever felt he deserved to have. She is the most important thing in his life. He needs her. Living without her doesn't seem like a horrible reality that he'll have to get through, it seems like an impossibility.

He squeezes his eyes shut as the words of Mark and Dr. Phillips come rushing back to him. He can't let himself believe what they have told him. If he lets himself believe that Carol will die, he won't have a reason to keep living himself.

The elevator doors open and Carter leads Charlie onto the ICU floor. It's certainly not that she isn't familiar enough with her surroundings to find her own way. She's been here more times than she cares to remember over the past few months. It's just that, with everything that's happened today, she needs to know she isn't alone. Carter understands this completely and picks up on it without so much as a word from Charlie.

With his arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders, they approach Carol's room. Through the window they can see Doug sitting beside the bed. He's holding Carol's hand and the side view they have of his face reveals that he is telling her something. Charlie looks away and buries her face on John's shoulder. She dissolves in tears once again and Carter holds her close and tries to comfort her.

She finally lifts her head to look at him. Her face is streaked tears. "John . . ." she says weakly.

"What is it sweetie?" he asks as he brushes a few tears from her cheeks.

"I can't . . . I can't go in there. What will I say to him? What will I say to her?" her eyes flood with tears again.

John rubs her shoulders gently and lifts her face to look at him. "Hey, don't worry. I don't think there is a right thing to say. Nothing can make this go away, Charlie. Doug doesn't expect that from you . . .from anyone. All he needs from you is to know you're here. He needs you right now Charlie."

She looks at him and thinks about this a moment. John's right. Doug is on the verge of losing everything. He needs her now more than he ever has. "I should go see how he is," she says.

John nods and kisses her forehead. "You want me to come with you?"

"No, I should probably do this alone."

"Okay, you know where to find me," he says.

She hugs him, saying, "Thanks, John."

"Anytime," he says in a whisper as he returns the embrace. She steps away, turning towards the door. She looks back at Carter and he gives her a small smile of encouragement. She nods, then goes inside. He watches after her a moment longer then turns back to the elevators.

"Doug?" Charlie says quietly.

He turns at the sound of his name. Seeing her, he gives her a sad smile. "Hey," he replies in a hushed voice. His expression is so sad and lost. Charlie has never seen him this way before.

"Any change?" she asks, though she knows the answer.

He shakes his head sadly. "They told you about the tests?" he asks.

"Yeah . . . I'm really sorry," she manages to say before tears flood her eyes. She fights hard to hold them back.

"Yeah, me too," he says quietly.

"How are you doing?" she asks, walking over to lay a hand on his shoulder. He's sitting back in his chair and watching Carol.

"Not so good," he says. He brings his hand up and places it atop Charlie's. "I'm not sure what I'll do if . . ." his voice trails off.

"Me either," she says quietly. They continue watching Carol, their faces full of trepidation and fear at what lies ahead. For now, they just have to wait.

Anna Del Amico signs the chart in her hand and gives it to Randi. She turns sadly towards the lounge. The somber mood in the ER today seems to have drained the life out of everyone. It seems they are already in mourning for Carol. It feels as though nothing will ever be the same around here. Anna can't imagine that it ever will be.

She walks into the lounge and the room is dark. Without bothering to turn on the light, she flops down on the couch and lays her head back, closing her eyes. The darkness seems appropriate today. The room is fairly silent, so it takes only a moment for her to realize she isn't alone. Looking up, she sees Carter in a chair in the far corner. He has his head in his hands and hasn't even seemed to notice he has company.

"John?" she asks quietly. "John," she repeats when he doesn't respond. She walks over and kneels down beside his chair, placing a hand on his shoulder. She begins to rub his back gently as she leans down in front of him. "What is it?"

He sighs and looks up at her. She can tell he's very upset. "I just . . . this is so hard," he says.

"You mean Carol," she says. "I know. It's so hard to believe."

"Yeah . . . and this is tearing Charlie up," he says. "I feel so horrible for her . . . and for Doug."

"This has been really tough on Doug," Anna agrees. Carter still has his head down and looks close to tears. "John, is there something else bothering you?" she asks.

"It's just . . . I guess this has got me thinking, you know?" he looks sadly at her. She continues to rub his back with one hand and holds his hand with the other, urging him to continue. "If this can happen to Doug and Carol . . . to two people so perfect for each other . . . what's to say it can't happen to us? I'm scared Anna. I'm scared I'm falling in love with you and now I'm scared of losing that."

She stares at him, half shocked, trying to decide how to respond to this unexpected confession. "John, I . . ."

"It's okay. I know it's soon. I understand. I just . . . I always thought we'd have a lifetime to figure things out. I never considered things could change so suddenly. Now . . . well, I can't help but be afraid of running out of time. I don't want to leave anything unsaid." He takes her hand tightly in both of his and looks into her eyes with an expression full of sincerity and fear. "I love you, Anna," he says softly.

Tears fill her eyes as she stares back at him. "I love you, too," she whispers. He pulls her into his lap and wraps his arms tightly around her. She snuggles close to him, her head resting on his chest. He plants a kiss on her hair and hugs her to him, never wanting to let go. They sit together in the darkness of the lounge. They can literally feel that the whole world is about to change around them and they hold on tighter, not wanting to be caught up in it.

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