ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #34 continued

The Rising Morning

by: Courtney

It's Saturday afternoon and Mark Greene is just coming off an exhausting double shift. Still, he isn't headed home. Like so many other days these past few months, he's boarding the elevator to the ICU to check on Doug and Carol. Tonight, though, it's not just the usual check. Mark knows with increasing dread that tonight could be the last for Carol. Dr. Phillips had just told him that afternoon that there was little hope of her making it through the night.

The elevator stops and Mark gets out and walks the familiar stretch of hallway to Carol's room. Charlie, Helen, and Doug are at her bedside. He opens the door and is greeted with the beeping of machines and the whooshing of the ventilator. Doug and Charlie turn to see him enter, then turn back to Carol.

"Hi, how are you all?" Mark asks in a voice so low that it is almost a whisper.

"Not so good," Doug says as he looks at Carol.

Mark nods. He stands in silence for a few moments, not sure what to say. Doug is still just holding her hand and watching her with a hopeful yet painfully sad expression. Charlie is sitting beside him, her eyes red and swollen from crying. And Helen seems to be struggling with every bit of her strength to keep from bursting into tears.

"Well, I'll be downstairs for a while, so if any of you need anything, anything at all, just let me know," Mark says. He turns sadly and prepares to leave.

"Wait Mark, I need to talk to you," Helen says. Mark is surprised but he waits until she has gotten up and walks out into the hall with her. Doug and Charlie barely take notice of this.

"Yes Helen, what can I do for you?"

She takes his hand and leads him to the chairs nearby. "The doctors say she doesn't have much time left," Helen says.

"I know, I'm very sorry," Mark tells her.

She nods. "It's just . . . if my baby has to die . . . I don't want her to die like this, you know? Hooked up to all those machines . . . it's just not right. Carol wouldn't want this." She hangs her head and begins to cry.

"I understand," Mark says as he puts his arm around her to comfort her. "Maybe it's time to take her off the machines?"

"Yes," Helen says softly, "but . . . well, you know Douglas. He's still certain she's coming back." Helen is crying even harder as she says, "Mark, this is the last thing on earth I wanted and I was very reluctant to accept that I was losing her . . . it's just . . . I can't hope anymore. I know she's dying. I finally accepted all of this. Everyone has. Her sisters are downstairs now in the chapel praying that God will take her peacefully . . . I know that he loves her and that it's probably harder for him than anyone, but Douglas has to let her go. She needs this now. I can't stand to watch her fading away, not like this . . . I know my little girl, Mark, and I know she would not want to end things like this."

"I agree with you, Helen. I'm just not sure we will be able to convince Doug. She gave him power of attorney after everything with Sarah . . . it'll be his decision and I'm not sure he'll be able to make the decision to let her go."

"I know . . . I just thought, if anyone could change his mind, it'd be you."

"I'll give it my best shot."

"That's all I can ask," Helen says sadly. She squeezes Mark's hand then gets up to rejoin the others at Carol's bedside.

"When was the last time you had anything to eat?" Charlie asks. Doug shrugs, still holding Carol's hand and watching hopefully for the slightest change. "You need to eat, Doug. Come on . . ." she gently urges him out of the chair. It's almost 1am and Doug hasn't eaten in days. Helen and the others have just gone down to the chapel again to pray, but Doug refused to leave her.

He shakes his head. "No, I can't leave her," he insists.

"You need to get away from here for a few minutes. Let's go and get some dinner. We'll be back in half an hour," she says.

"I can't. If I leave . . ." he stops, not wanting to think of what might happen.

Charlie walks over and puts her hands on his shoulders. "She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. She'd want you to take care of yourself. Please come with me."

Doug looks up at her. "Have you noticed we're talking like she's already dead?" he asks.

Charlie is a little surprised by this comment. "I . . . I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean . . ."

"No, I know you didn't. And it's not just you anyway. It's everyone. We act as though she's already gone." He looks back at Carol as he rubs her limp hand gently. They are both silent for a long moment as he watches Carol and Charlie waits for him to speak. "I can't leave her alone," he says after a moment. "If she wakes up, I want someone to be here. And, if . . ." he stops and sighs deeply. "Well, if anything else happens I don't want her to be alone."

Charlie nods. She understands. She knows Carol's chances aren't good. It would be bad for her to wake up alone but it would be even worse if she died alone. They need to stay with her. "Listen, you go get yourself something to eat and I'll stay here with her." Doug starts to protest but Charlie insists. "I'd like to have a few minutes with her anyway. And Helen and the others will be back soon. Please," the look on her face tells him he needs to let her have some time. He hates to even think about it but it could be the last time she and Carol have together. He nods sadly, kisses Carol's cheek, and then gets up to let Charlie take a seat beside her.

"I'll be in the cafeteria," he says. He touches Charlie's shoulder then turns to go.

After Doug has gone, Charlie turns to Carol. She smiles sadly and takes Carol's hand. Before she even opens her mouth to speak, a tear slips down her cheek. She doesn't bother to wipe it away. She squeezes Carol's hand and begins to speak: "Hey Carol . . . it's me, Charlie. I hope you can hear me . . . If you can hear me, I want you to know I love you. I know Doug doesn't want to believe what Mark and the other doctors are saying, but I'm scared that if they're right I won't have time to say any of this. I miss you, Carol," she says quietly as her tears begin to flow freely. "I never knew what it was like to have a mom until I met you. I never wanted to like you . . . I didn't think I needed a mother . . . or anyone else for that matter. But, I was wrong. I need you. I need someone to talk to . . . someone who's always there to listen. I don't know what I'll do without you," she stops, trying to catch her breathe as her sobbing grows worse. "Please, if you have to leave us, leave knowing how much we love you." Charlie hangs her head and cries, still holding Carol's hand.

Doug gets into the elevator, but instead of heading for the cafeteria, he heads for his usual thinking spot: the hospital roof. He opens the door and is greeted by the brisk air of the Chicago evening. Doug walks over to the edge and stares out at the city below. He can't count the number of times he has come up here to try and sort things out. Usually, the fresh air and the solitude are all he needs to help him work out his troubles. But today is very different.

As Doug watches the cars going by in the street below, he begins to realize that there is very little he can actually *do* in this situation. His hands are tied. He can't stand it; helplessness has always been something he has had trouble dealing with. He begins to pace and his mind shoots from one thought to another, trying to make sense of all that is happening in his life. Still, no logic or reasoning can solve his problems now.

He walks over and sits on a small ledge beside one of the vents on the roof. He drops his head into his hands and sighs out loud. He thinks to him, 'What am I going to do?'

Mark walks out onto the roof and immediately sees Doug crouched on the small ledge. He's now looking out over the city again apparently lost in thought. As he approaches, Mark says, "I had a feeling you might be up here."

Doug looks over at Mark and nods. "I just needed to think," he replies. He scoots down a little so Mark can sit. "Is anything wrong?" Doug asks, suddenly realizing there must be a reason Mark was looking for him.

"No, don't worry. Everything's fine. I just went up to see how things were going and Charlie said you'd gone to get something to eat and she hadn't seen you for almost an hour. I figured something must be up."

"Did you even check the cafeteria?" Doug asks, knowing the answer.

"No," Mark admits.

"You know me," Doug says with a small smile as he looks back out at the dark skyline. The smile quickly fades as his thoughts invade once again.

"You feel like talking?" Mark asks.

Doug shrugs. "I don't know . . . I guess I just needed to figure some things out."

Mark nods, but says nothing. He looks at Doug to urge his friend to continue.

"She's been sick for a long time, Mark," he says in a quiet and serious tone. "It seems like the longest time since I've seen her smile . . ." It takes him a minute to continue, but Mark just waits, knowing Doug needs time. "Things were just starting to fall into place for me and Carol," he finally continues. "We were happy, we were making plans for the future . . . we had a great life." He looks at Mark and his eyes are bright with unshed tears. "She's everything to me."

Mark puts his arm around Doug's shoulder. "I know, buddy, I know. It's hard, I know it's hard."

"What am I going to do? How will I live without her?"

"You'll find a way. You have to."

"But, what if I can't? She's part of who I am . . . the best part. Everything worthwhile and good within me is because of Carol. I just don't know what kind of person I'll be without her." He hangs his head, still trying to hold himself together.

"Maybe that's true," Mark says. "Maybe Carol did bring out the good in you. But, she didn't bring out anything that wasn't really there all along. You were always that man somewhere deep down . . . Carol just helped you find that in yourself."

Doug nods, but he's not sure he can believe this. Something else is weighing even heavier on his mind though. He says, "I've done something awful, Mark."

"What do you mean?"

"I've spent the last two months believing everyday that Carol was going to be okay. I've been at her bedside telling her . . . begging her . . . to be okay, to come back to me. All I've been thinking of is how much I need her . . ."

"What's so awful about that?" Mark asks, confused. "I can understand that. We've all been praying Carol would be okay."

"Yeah, but . . . I think I'm the only one who still thought it would happen. Everyone has started to let her go, but I've still been holding on. I thought I was pulling her back . . . but, it turns out, I was *holding* her back. It was her time to go, and I've been keeping her here. She's only been hanging on for me . . ."

"Doug, you can't beat yourself up over wanting to hold on to the woman you love. It's perfectly normal. You haven't done anything wrong," Mark still has an arm on Doug's shoulder and Doug is still slumped forward. "There is something I wanted to talk to you about, though," Mark admits.

"What?" Doug asks.

"Well, I know this is a tough decision and I know how sudden all of this is . . . but, have you thought of taking her off the machines?"

"I . . . well . . ." Doug stumbles.

"I know, it's a hard thing to think about," Mark says. "But, whenever I have to advise a family on something like this, I always tell them the same thing. It's something I got from you, actually. What would this person that you love want? If Carol were able to decide for herself, would she choose to die this way?"

Doug looks at his friend and swallows hard. "No, I know she wouldn't," he whispers.

Mark nods sadly and says, "It's up to you. You're the only one who can decide whether or not to let her go."

Doug nods sadly. For a long moment, he remains silent. Then, he looks up at the sky and says, "I realized that tonight." His tone is more sad and withdrawn than Mark has ever heard. "It's time . . . I have to let her go." Doug looks at his friend and his long threatening tears finally spill over. "I don't know how I'm going to do this," he says. He's through holding back his emotions. He just can't any longer; all of his strength is gone. He succumbs to his sobs and Mark sits with him, trying his best to comfort Doug, but knowing there is really very little he can do other than be there.

Mark wants to say something, to try and make Doug feel better, but he knows nothing he will say can do that. He decides instead to remain silent. He just sits with Doug and looks out at the night, knowing the next dawn will bring a very different life for everyone.

Charlie is still sitting by Carol's bedside as Mark and Doug enter the room. Helen is back and so are Lauren and Kate. Everyone looks up as they walk in. Charlie has been wondering where Doug was. She was beginning to worry that something had happened to him. She's relieved to see them now. One look at Doug, though, and all her fears are renewed. "What is it?" she asks when she sees his face. He's obviously been crying and his expression . . . Charlie has never seen anyone look like this before. All of the hope and light has drained from him, leaving barely of trace of the man she knows.

Mark says, "Why don't we go in the hall and talk?" he extends his hand to Charlie and leads the girl to the door. She follows, still glancing over her shoulder with concern at Doug. Helen nods to Lauren and Kate and they get up as well. Kate looks back as they reach the door and fresh tears roll down her cheeks. Lauren puts her arm around her sister and leads her out.

Once they are outside and the door is shut, everyone turns to Mark for an explanation. "What's going on?" Charlie asks.

He looks through the glass as Doug kneels beside Carol's bed. Mark shuts his eyes briefly, then puts his arm around Charlie and motions to the others to follow them to the nearby chairs. Charlie's eyes reflect the fear that is growing within her as she prepares to hear what Mark has to say.

Mark looks sadly at Charlie, then to Helen, Lauren, and Kate, and says, "He's decided to let her go."

Charlie's eyes grow large with surprise for a split second, then a look of disbelief crosses her face, and finally her expression falls to sadness as tears begin to stream down her cheeks. Lauren and Kate are also crying, though they saw this coming. Helen simply remains still, her expression is still sad but unchanged. She is obviously not surprised at all.

Mark puts his arms around Charlie and she cries on his shoulder for a moment. She pulls back, looking at Mark, and asks, "What's he doing now?"

Mark wears a desolate expression as he replies quietly, "He's telling her goodbye." Charlie tries to swallow back her tears as she rises from her chair. Mark and the others follow as she makes her way back to the door. She looks inside, watching Doug as he speaks to Carol. She can't hear him, but she knows exactly what he's telling her.

Doug approaches Carol's bedside as the others leave. He is barely aware of the sound of the door closing behind him. He kneels down beside the hospital bed before him. He has spent so much time here, in this room, hoping, praying, begging that he wouldn't lose Carol. Now, there is nothing left but goodbye. 'Where did all the time go?' he asks himself as he takes her fragile, unmoving hand in his. He kisses her fingers and sits for a long moment watching her.

A smile crosses Doug's face as he thinks back to the first time that he saw her. It was his first day at Cook County General. Since he was already late, he had approached the nurses' station in a rush and didn't even look at whom he was speaking to as he asked for David Morgenstern. "And who may I say is asking?" a woman's voice had answered. Doug had turned at the sound of the voice. He'd seen the dark-haired nurse looking back at him and done a double take. She was very beautiful, yes, but there was something else, something he couldn't explain, even to himself. He was drawn to her; he looked deeply into her eyes and found himself at a loss for words. "Sir?" she had asked.

"Oh, uh, yes, uh," he stammered, trying to remember what he was doing there. She had smiled, seeing he was tongue-tied and obviously suspecting she was the reason.

"You wanted to see Dr. Morgenstern . . ." she reminded him with a grin.

"Oh, yes, yes I did. David Morgenstern," he repeated, still looking intently at her.

"And you are . . ."she asked.

"Douglas Ross, Doug, the new pediatrician," he said.

She smiled, realizing he was the one they had told her to watch for. She had later told Doug that when she found out they were getting a new pediatrician in the ER, she had expected some short guy without much hair and a silly sense of humor.

"That's kind of a sweeping generalization isn't it Nurse Hathaway?" he'd teased at her confession.

"Well, you have to admit, not too many hunks choose pediatrics," she had replied.

"Oh, there are a few of us," he'd smiled. That comment had earned him a sock in the arm, but it was worth it because it had also earned him a kiss.

Doug snaps back from his daydreaming to the present and the all too familiar ICU room and the beeping and blinking of an endless array of machines that are designed to prolong the inevitable. His face is soaked with tears he hadn't even realized he was crying.

Gripping her hand tightly in his, he says, "Carol, sweetheart, I hope you can hear me because there's something I need to tell you. I want you to know that, no matter what, I will love you forever. Nothing is ever going to change that." His cheeks are covered with fresh tears but he just ignores this and continues, "I know I am the person that I am today because of one thing, Carol: you. You've made me love life and cherish everyday since we've been together. I can't imagine that my life would have been worth living if I'd never met you . . ." The machines continue beeping and the ventilator moves up and down as Doug continues his speech.

"Carol, I love you; more than anyone or anything in this whole world. You are everything to me. I wake up every morning dreaming about you and go to bed every night thinking about you. You never leave my thoughts . . . and you never will. I know I'm going to lose you," he says sadly, "but, God has blessed me with the time we've had together. Now, it's time for me to say goodbye. I want so much to hang onto you forever, but I know I can't. So, just go knowing that I'll always love you. And, one day, I'll be with you again." He smiles through the tears that won't seem to stop, "Now I'll have two guardian angels, you and Sarah. My girls . . ." he says. At this, he cannot say anything else. He drops his head to the bed and sobs.

Mark, Charlie, Helen, Lauren, and Kate wait outside until Doug comes out into the hallway to join them. He tells them all that he is signing the paper to have Carol taken off the machines. When Dr. Phillips gets there at 8 o'clock, they'll take Carol off the ventilator. The doctor has already told them the odds are about 80% that she'll die within 5 minutes. Everyone goes in to begin saying their goodbyes. Everyone, that is, except Mark and Doug.

"You're doing the right thing," Mark says.

"Then why does it feel so bad?" Doug asks. He turns sadly and walks towards the bathroom. Mark just watches him go.

By 7am, almost every person in the ER has come up to say goodbye to Carol. Mark had called down to let them know what Doug had decided and they each wanted to see her one last time. Slowly, throughout the night and early morning, people had trickled in and out. Chuny, Haleh, Malik, Wendy, Connie, Jeanne, Jerry, Randi, E-Ray . . . everyone wanted to see her just one more time. Even Kerry Weaver had come by after her shift. She'd looked at Carol, then shook her head sadly. She laid a hand on Doug's should and said, "I'm sorry."

He had nodded, "Thanks Kerry."

Now, it's less than an hour until Dr. Phillips arrives. Everyone is waiting, dreading what will happen but knowing it's something they have to do. They all watch the clock and Carol . . . and wait.

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