ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #42 continued

Lost In Love

By: Courtney

"Okay, first stop," Doug announces as they pull up to the curb.

"The zoo?" Carol says skeptically.

"Yep, something wrong?"

"No, no, this is fine. It's just . . . it's not what I expected I guess."

"Well, expect the unexpected my dear," he grins.

"I should know that by now, huh?" She grins back.

He gets out and goes around to open her door. He takes her arm and leads her towards the entrance. "This is going to be a great day," Doug promises.

"I'm sure it will be," she says and follows him into the front gates of the zoo.

"Hey, Jer, have you seen Charlie?" Carter asks as he walks up to the front desk.

Jerry looks around for any signs of Kerry Weaver. Finally, sure that the coast is clear, he says, "She was pretty worn out so she went to take a nap. She's been sacked out in three for about two hours now."

"Okay, thanks. Oh, Jerry, by the way, why are you whispering?"

"Because, Charlie doesn't want Dr. Weaver to know she's sleeping on the job," he explains.

"I see. Let me ask you . . . did Charlie finish all of the things Dr. Weaver asked her to this morning?"

"Yes."

"And has Dr. Weaver been looking for her at all in the last two hours?"

"Well, no . . ."

"Then I'm sure everything is fine. If Kerry Weaver wanted her she'd make it a point to find her," he says.

"Yeah, she never has trouble finding me," Jerry says. "Especially when I've done something wrong." Just about that time, Kerry rounds the corner and spots Jerry.

"Jerry, can I speak to you a moment?"

Jerry gives Carter a helpless look but Carter just laughs. Kerry begins advising Jerry on the wonders of the filing system she has come up with and how it would be beneficial for him to follow it more closely in the future. Turning back to his own task, Carter heads off for exam room three.

Susan looks around the empty apartment and sighs. She's moved all of her clothes in and still the place seems uninviting. The rooms are nice and spacious and there are so many things she loves about this place. She'd loved the view when she had first seen it and the bathroom is enormous. Still, it's missing so much now.

She sinks to the floor and sits, crossing her legs and propping her elbows on her knees then resting her chin on her open palms. It'll never be home, she's sure of that. She's beginning to wonder if she'll ever have a real home again, in fact. The large living room that she had loved just yesterday now seems to be the epidemy of what she hates about this place.

It seems nothing can lift her mood as she sits there and ponders the lonely surroundings that are not much better than the hotel room had been. There's really no way make herself feel better . . .

Suddenly a thought occurs to her. 'The furniture!' she thinks. This brightens her mood instantly. She had put all of her things in storage when she'd moved to Phoenix. Now, since she's back in town, she can finally use them again.

The thought of filling this place with her familiar belongings lifts her spirit tremendously. That is, until she realizes that this is impossible, at least for today. Doug and Carol are out somewhere having a day together so they won't be able to help. And she can't ask Mark for help . . . can she?

'No, the last thing he wants to do is help you move furniture,' she tells herself. Still, she can't just sit here and stare at this empty room. She has to do *something*.

Finally, Susan decides she is going to do something. She grabs her keys and purse and heads for the door before reason and good judgement have a chance to talk her out of her decision.

"I need to talk to you," Charlie says to Josh as they sit down together.

"Okay, sure," he replies as he puts his arm around her. "What's on your mind?"

"Well, there's something I've been wanting to tell you . . . something I think you need to know." She is hesitant and he can tell it by the way that she's acting.

"You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

"Yeah . . . it's just . . . this is kind of hard."

"Well, just say it," he says, trying to comfort her.

"Okay . . . well, you remember me telling you there were things about my past that I'd never told you?" He nods that he does remember. "Well, see, when I was with Tommy . . . That is . . . he got me into . . ." She looks at Josh and finally says, "Prostitution."

He doesn't say anything and for a moment she's not sure she's actually said the word. It was so low it had been practically inaudible, even to her own ears. But, when he turns to face her she is sure that he heard it. The look on his face tells her that without a doubt.

"Josh? Say something, please . . ." she manages as she feels tears well up in her eyes.

"Say what?" he asks. His voice is loud and angry, nothing like it usually is. This shocks her. He jumps up and stands in front of her. "What do you want me say Charlie?" he yells. "That it's okay? That it's just dandy that my girlfriend used to be a slut?"

"Josh, please . . ." she says as the tears start steaming down her cheeks. She's never seen him like this before.

"Or do you want to talk about what it was like to have sex with people you didn't know? Is that it?" he continues. "Or, hell, maybe you'd just like to lay down and give me a demonstration, huh?" His voice seems to grow in volume with every hateful word.

"You're scaring me," she says in a soft, frightened voice as her tears continue.

"Oh, really? You know what scares me? Do you Charlie?" He doesn't wait for an answer. "It scares me to think that . . ." he stops, hesitating only for a moment. "To think that I almost let myself love a whore like you," he spits.

She sits there, stunned, feeling as if she's just been punched in the face. She can hardly believe he just said that. She can't seem to find her voice to respond, but just stares at Josh in shock. Then, he starts to walk away.

"No, wait, please don't go," she cries. He doesn't slow down or turn back. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, Josh! I'm so sorry . . ." She knows as she watches that it's the last time she's ever going to see him. It's hard to watch him leave but she can't make herself turn away. She wants to watch him for as long as she can before he is gone forever. As he gets further and further away, she continues to cry, "I'm so, so sorry . . ."

Carter walks towards the door of the exam room and he thinks he hears something. When he reaches the door he is sure. It's someone crying. And it's coming from within the room. "Charlie?" he mumbles quietly as he thinks he recognizes the voice behind those sobs. He pushes open the door and sure enough there she is. She's curled up on the bed and crying so hard she is having trouble breathing.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry . . ." she sobs.

Carter rushes over and sits beside her. It's not until he is on the bed with her that he realizes something: Charlie is sound asleep. He shakes her gently. "Wake up . . . Charlie, wake up," he says.

"Please, come back," she cries and bolts up. She looks frantically around the room. "John . . ." she says. "He was . . . he's . . . Josh . . . oh god, he's gone . . ."

"What? No, it was all a dream. It's okay now," he assures her as he hugs her. She's still crying and very agitated.

"I shouldn't have told him . . . he left," she insists.

"Charlie, it was a dream. It was all a dream. You've been asleep for the last two hours. Josh hasn't been here. He's at basketball camp all day, remember? You told me about it this morning."

She looks at him for a moment. "He is?"

"Yeah, and you were just having a bad dream," he replies.

"I was?" She seems to be waking up a little more. "Yeah, yeah I was." She looks at Carter. "It was so real though, John . . . so real."

"I know, but it's over now. You're going to be just fine. Everything is fine."

She nods and wants to believe him. She's not sure if she can though. Was it just a dream, or a preview of things to come?

"This was so great," Carol says as she and Doug walk out of the zoo together.

"You really had a good time?" he asks hopefully.

"Yes, of course. It was wonderful." They'd spent the early afternoon watching a group of preschool kids and some of their parents playing with the animals. The children, some as young as a year old, seemed enthralled by the creatures. Carol and Doug had more fun watching the kids than they did the real attractions of the zoo.

"I'm glad you had fun. I was afraid you wouldn't," he says.

"It was wonderful," she repeats. "You're wonderful." Doug smiles and hugs her closer to him as they walk back towards the car. "I'm starved. You want to grab a late lunch?" she asks.

"Actually, we're headed there now. I've got everything planned."

"More surprises? Where are we going?" she asks.

"Now, what kind of surprise is it if I tell you?" he grins.

"Oh, come on, just a little hint?"

"Nope, you'll just have to wait and see," he tells her.

"Okay, fine. But, I hope they don't take forever with the food." She pats her stomach and says, "We're famished."

"Don't worry, I've got everything under control." He opens the door of the Jeep for her and then goes around to get in the driver's seat. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be," she smiles and Doug heads towards the next surprise.

"Where should I put this?" says the voice behind the coffee table.

Susan steps back and says, "Anywhere is fine. You know it was really nice of you to help me with all of this stuff. You didn't have to though. Doug would have helped me later in the week."

"There's no need for that, I'm glad to help." They've moved all of the furniture into the apartment. This table is the last piece. As he lowers it to the floor and stands back up, Susan can finally see his face. Ben Hendrix . . . he'd not only helped her, he had insisted on doing almost everything. He had barely let her lift a thing. Now, they are finally done and he looks exhausted.

She had left here earlier with the intention of going over to Mark's. She was almost there when she chickened out. Instead, she decided to go into work and see if they needed help. When she got there, though, she had found Mercy as dead as County had been all day. There was nothing for her to do so she turned to go, thinking that maybe she'd see a movie by herself or go to a museum or something.

Just then, a voice behind her said, "Hey, I thought this was moving day." She turned to see Ben Hendrix smiling at her.

She smiled back. "Hey. "Well, it was. I mean, it is. I'm all moved in."

"Already? Wow, that was fast."

"Well, all I had were clothes and stuff. My furniture is still in storage and a friend of mine was going to help me with it but he's busy today so it looks like I'll have to wait until later this week. No big deal."

"Well, I'd be happy to help," he had said.

"Oh, no, I couldn't ask you to do that . . ."

"You didn't ask, I offered. And, besides, I was about to leave anyway. There's no use in my staying around here all day. It's been so slow that it's unreal. Please, let me help you."

"Are you sure? It's a lot of stuff and . . ."

"Susan, I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to help," he assured her.

"Well . . . okay. Thanks, I really appreciate this, Ben." He had smiled and she had felt so at ease. The same way she feels with him now. He's standing in her living room in the T-shirt and blue jeans he had changed into just before they left the hospital and she's realizing for the first time how much she enjoys his company.

"Would you like something cold to drink?" she asks. "I have beer and . . . well, I'm sure there's water."

"I'd love a beer," Ben says with a grin. He has a dimple in his right cheek. Susan had never noticed it before. She goes into the kitchen and picks up two bottles of beer then returns to the living room where Ben is standing.

"Here you go," she says as she extends one long-necked, brown bottle.

Ben takes the outstretched bottle and smiles at her again. "It's good to see a woman who can appreciate American beer," he comments as he twists off the bottle top.

Susan returns the smile. "I've never been much for imports. I guess I have simple taste."

"I like that," Ben says with a wink. Despite herself, Susan feels a rush at this look from him. What's happening here? She's known Ben for months but this is the first time she's felt this way around him.

"How about we go out onto the terrace?" she suggests. Ben nods and they walk outside together. The apartment is on the fourth floor so the view is pretty decent. The hot day has turned into a cool evening as they sit outside. The sun is still out but the wind has picked up and a cool breeze travels through the city.

"This is a nice place," Ben comments. The two of them are leaning against the railing of the porch as they look out over Susan's new neighborhood.

"Yeah, it was a lucky find," she says. She glances at Ben and can't help but notice the way his jeans seem to fit just right and the way his shirt hugs his chest. He's really very attractive. Why hadn't she noticed before? Was it the fact that they were away from work and in a more casual environment? Or did this newfound view of things have to do with the fact that Mark seemed to slip further and further away by the day?

Susan has come to realize as of late that there is not much hope she'll ever have a relationship with Mark Greene again. They had been best friends once. Then, they were almost something more . . . but she had left. She'd left him alone and run away to the other side of the country to sort things out and he'd moved on without her. Then, worst of all, she had returned only to find that she wanted Mark but that he'd never really gotten over her sudden departure and it ended up costing him the bit of happiness he had found with Nina. Susan would never forgive herself for the part she had played in that situation . . .

"Susan? You okay?" she hears Ben ask.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine," she says as she snaps out of her reverie. Ben smiles slightly at her. It's an alluring smile, sexy and yet innocent all at once. He's not leering at her or even coming onto her, it's like no look she has ever received from a man. The look causes Susan to lose all thoughts of Mark, the past, everything . . . she just wants to be here right now. She wants to be on this porch with Ben looking at her like that and . . . and . . . she's not sure what else. She just knows this moment feels right.

Ben picks up on this as well. He seems as enraptured with this moment as Susan is. "I . . . I'm really glad I came over," he says softly, looking straight into her eyes.

"Me too," she replies just as softly. His eyes are so blue . . . they're like sapphires. They seem to look straight into her soul and know her so well, like no one ever has.

He moves his hand along the railing until it covers hers. She looks at their hands, then looks back to him. "Susan . . . I appreciate the beer. I hope you'll let me return the gesture very soon." He squeezes her hand then turns to go.

"Wait . . . you're leaving?" she questions.

"Yeah, I have to. I need to get home and you probably want to start getting settled in. But I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"Okay," Susan replies, still slightly disappointed to see Ben go.

He starts to walk away and she follows him to the front door. He steps out into the hallway as she stands there and watches from the doorway. Suddenly, he turns around. "Susan?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Are things the same between us now as they were before today?"

"Honestly . . . no, I don't think they are," she says.

"Good, I'm glad to hear that," he responds and smiles. He leans forward and kisses her cheek. "See you tomorrow Susan," he says in her ear in a whisper.

"Bye Ben," she says and she watches as he makes his way down the hall towards the elevator. After the doors have closed behind him and he is no longer in sight, Susan retreats back inside her new apartment and leans against the door as it shuts. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, knowing this day has changed everything. She couldn't imagine anything she's happier about than that.

"It was so real . . . it really freaked me out," Charlie says as she and Carter sit in the hospital cafeteria. They have been discussing the dream she had earlier. Carter had seen how upset it made her and persuaded her to talk to him about it.

"What do you think caused it?" he asks as he drinks coffee from a Styrofoam cup.

"Oh, I know what caused it . . ." she says.

"Well?" he says, urging her to continue.

"I haven't told him. I've wanted to . . . I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid of how he'll react. I mean, what if the same thing happens that happened in my dream? I'd never get over it. If Josh said those things to me in real life . . ."

"Josh wouldn't do that," Carter says.

"How do you know that, John? How can you be so sure? He's 17 years old. How would you react if you were 17 and you found out your girlfriend was a . . ." she can't bring herself to say it. She glances around the room at the many faces. Some she recognizes and some she doesn't but she'd really rather none of them knew what they were discussing right now.

Carter sees that she is uncomfortable and makes a suggestion. "Why don't we go some place else? This isn't really the place to discuss this."

"I'd really rather not talk about it at the hospital at all. To tell you the truth, I don't know that I want to talk about it anywhere really," she says.

"But you should. You need to get your feelings worked out or the nightmares aren't going to go away. Listen, how about I take you home? We can talk there."

"You can't, you have to work," she reminds him.

"Have you noticed how slow it is? And Mark just came in. He won't mind if I take off early. I'll work a little extra on the next busy day. Don't worry, it'll be fine."

"Well, I still can't because I drove the car today. It's the first time Doug and Carol have let me take it by myself and I don't want to leave it here. They'd think I was irresponsible," she says.

"Not a problem. I'll drive you home in Carol's car and Anna can pick me up later. I don't think you need to drive yourself home anyway. You're too upset right now," he says as he glances at her hands. They are shaking as she tries to hold onto the cup of coffee in front of her.

Charlie nods in agreement to this plan. She can't help but admit that John is right. She's in no shape to be here now and she certainly doesn't feel like she can concentrate on driving at this point. Doug and Carol would definitely say the same thing.

"Okay, come on then. Let's get you home," Carter says softly and stands to wait for her to get up as well. He puts his arm around her shoulders and they make their way to the elevators together.

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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

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