ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #43 (continued)

One Hundred Tears Away

By: Courtney

"Hello?" a groggy voice answers the telephone.

"Anna?" Carter asks, almost unsure.

"Yeah Carter, it's me," she says.

"I'm sorry, were you sleeping? I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"I'm hanging in," she replies and tries to smile but is overtaken by a fit of coughs instead.

"You okay?" he asks with concern.

"I'm fine, Carter," she assures him when she has finally stopped coughing.

"I'm coming over," he insists.

"You're at work," she reminds him.

"I know that, but it's slow today. I'm sure I can leave early."

"There's really no need for that," Anna says, stifling another cough.

"Well, nonetheless, I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"Carter . . ." she protests.

"You're not going to change my mind so don't try. Is there anything I can get for you on the way over?" he asks.

She starts to continue with her protest anyway, but she stops. She knows she won't convince him. Finally, she sighs and says, "Chocolate milk."

"Done. See you in little while."

"How's the pizza?" Josh asks as he and Charlie sit in a pizza joint just down the street from the movie theater. They've just gotten back from a sappy, romance movie, the kind Charlie loves and the kind she has to beg Josh to sit through. That's why he can't figure out why she's still so down in the dumps. She's barely said two words all through lunch and he could tell that even during the movie she was distracted.

"Huh?" she asks, finally realizing he has asked her a question.

"The pizza," he repeats.

"What about it? You don't like it?" she asks having missed the question entirely.

"Where are you today, Charlie?" he asks.

She sighs and pushes her slice of pizza away from her. "I don't know, I'm sorry. I know I'm ruining our day. You should have left me at home. I'm being a drag."

"No, you're not." He reaches across the table and takes her hands in his. "I just want to make sure you're okay. You are okay, aren't you?" He looks at her for a response and she tries to think of how she should respond. "I hope you can tell me if some is bothering you," he adds.

She sighs again and looks down at her untouched slice of pizza. "I . . . there are just a lot of things on my mind right now," she says.

"Is this about the whole thing with Carol this morning? I'm sure things are fine. Why don't you call and see how it went at the doctor?" he suggests.

"No, I don't want to bother them. If it didn't go well, they don't want to talk about it with me over the phone this afternoon. And, if it did go well, well I'm sure they still have better things to do than tell me all about it. They're probably occupied at the moment."

"You know as well as I do that either way things went they will be more than glad to hear from you. They love you Charlie, you know that."

"I know . . . it's not really that anyway. I have a feeling things are going to turn out okay with Carol and the baby. I'm a little worried about her being so upset lately, but I'm sure Doug will take care of her."

"So, what is it then?" Josh asks.

"It's . . . complicated," she finally says.

"You can't tell me?" he doesn't sound angry at the question, just hurt. And, as far as Charlie is concerned, that is so much worse.

"It's not that . . . I'm just . . . I'm worried what you might think of me."

"So, this is about your past again?" he asks. She nods, confirming his guess. "How many times do I have to tell you that no matter what you tell me it is not going to change my feelings for you. I *love* you, Charlie. Nothing you can say will change that."

"That's so easy to say, Josh, but you don't know until you hear what I have to say," she says.

"So, tell me. Let me decide. Please don't assume I'm the biggest jerk in the world before you have solid evidence to the fact," he grins a little, trying to lighten her mood, but it doesn't work. "Hey . . ." he says, trying to get her to look at him. Her eyes remain downcast. "Hey, Charlie," he says again, this time tilting her chin up with his hand so that their eyes meet. "I think it's about time we talked about this," he says sincerely.

She nods, knowing he is right. This conversation is long overdue. "Not here," she says. He nods in agreement and pulls out a few bills from his wallet for the half-eaten food. Then, he gets up and takes her hand to lead her from the restaurant so they can find a quiet place to talk.

Doug rummages through the refrigerator looking for something to make for lunch. He's not very hungry but he knows that Carol needs to eat. She had said she wasn't hungry before she went upstairs but, still, he can't let her go without lunch.

The ride home from Dr. Stillwell's office had been a silent one. Neither of them had wanted to voice their opinions about the visit. There was still a lot they both needed to process. It had been an eventful morning.

Doug makes two glasses of iced tea and starts upstairs to ask Carol what she's in the mood to eat. He opens the bedroom door and finds pretty much where he'd expected to find her: curled up on the bed, staring towards the window.

"Carol? I brought you some tea, honey," he says as he walks over and sits down on the edge of the bed. She doesn't answer so he sets both glasses on the nightstand and looks back at her. With a careful touch, he brushes a few strands of hair from her cheek and caresses her soft skin. "Do you want to talk?" he asks in a gentle voice.

Carol doesn't answer but tears fill her eyes and he sees her lip start to tremble as she tries to hold it all inside. When the tears finally overcome her, she buries her head in the pillow.

Doug leans down and takes her in his arms. She resists at first, but then lets him hold her. She moves her face from the pillow to his shoulder and they lay side by side in bed, holding onto each other.

"I love you," Doug says, as a reassurance as much as a declaration.

"I know," she replies.

"Talk to me," he whispers.

"I feel . . . I feel terrible, Doug. I'm a horrible human being. I don't deserve to be a mother," she cries, her head still on his shoulder and her face nuzzled into the crook of his neck. He feels her hot tears touch his skin and he holds her tighter.

"Carol, what are you talking about baby? You're a wonderful person and you're going to be a wonderful mother," he says.

"No . . . no I'm not. I . . . Doug, can't you see?"

"See what? What is it sweetie?"

"The baby, I was disappointed when he told us it was a boy. I wanted a girl so badly . . . I was disappointed. Even when the doctor was telling me he was healthy and things looked good and I could hear his little heart beating . . . I was still praying there was a mistake. I . . . I don't deserve him," she moans, a fresh wave of sobs overtaking her.

"Carol . . ." he says in a soothing tone as he rubs her back gently. "I know how you feel. I wanted a girl, too. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We just happen to be having a son. And we'll love him just as much as we would have loved a daughter. He'll never feel like he's our second choice because he's not. We wanted a girl but more than that we wanted a child and we are getting that. Girl or boy, we are having a baby. That's all that will matter when he gets here. And you have *nothing* to feel guilty about."

She sniffs back her tears and pulls back from his embrace just enough to look into his eyes. He sees more tears teetering on her eyelids, but there is something different about these tears. They are not tears of guilt or of sorrow . . . they are tears of joy, tears of love. She smiles a little and traced his jawbone with her finger as if memorizing the curves of his face. She leans down and kisses his softly on the lips. "You are the most wonderful man on earth," she whispers.

He smiles back and pulls her to him for another, longer kiss. When the kiss ends, Carol looks over at him and smiles again.

"I love you," she says and now it is her turn to make assurances.

"I know," he replies and they kiss again.

"Hey, Carter, you going somewhere?" Mark asks as he sees John Carter putting his lab coat into his locker and grabbing his keys from the pocket.

"Uh, yeah. Dr. Weaver said I could leave early. We're slow and I'm worried about Anna. I'd rather she wasn't at home alone all day while she's sick," he says.

"Oh . . . well, good luck. Trust me, women are no picnic when they're sick," Mark grins knowingly.

"Well, I owe it to her. A few months ago when I had the flu she stayed with me and took care of me. I know how I am when I get sick so I think I can handle a little of the payback," he says with a half grin. He closes the locker door and turns to face Mark. "Well, I better get going. I have to stop at the store," he says.

"Wait, what about the tickets?" Mark asks.

"They're yours," Carter replies.

"But, I haven't asked anyone yet," Mark says.

"So ask someone. Or give them away. Or, hell, throw them away. I don't care. I already know I'm not going so you can do whatever you want with the tickets," he says.

Mark shrugs. "Okay, thanks Carter."

"Sure Dr. Greene. See ya!" He waves and turns to head out of the lounge, leaving Mark to decide if he has the courage to ask someone to this dinner tonight. Making a spur of the moment decision on the matter, Mark gets up quickly and follows the path Carter just took outside.

"Where are we going?" Charlie asks as Josh drives through town, headed neither in the direction of her house or in the direction of his own.

"Some place quiet," he replies.

"Do I even get a hint?" she asks.

"We're almost there," he assures her. She shrugs and sits back to wait and see where he is taking her.

The car comes to a stop and Charlie looks around to see where they are. It looks like a park of some kind. They are just outside the city in a suburban area. Charlie doesn't see anyone else around. "Where are we?" she asks.

"Madison Heights Community Park," he says. She looks at him quizzically. "My aunt lives nearby. The park doesn't have much to offer besides an ice skating rink so in the summer it's pretty deserted. There's another park near here with a playground and jogging trails so everyone goes there in the summer time. But, well, I thought we wanted to be alone," he says.

Charlie smiles and nods. She hopes he doesn't regret bringing her to a quiet, out of the way place for this conversation. He may end up wanting some distraction after what she has to say.

Josh gets out of the car and goes around to open her door. They walk together into the shallow woods, hand in hand. The only movement around them is from the squirrels and birds, who aren't used to their habitat being invaded this time of year. They scurry off away from the intruders.

As they reach a small clearing, Josh leads Charlie over to a large, flat rock and they sit down together on it. He takes both of her hands into his and turns her to face him. "Now, tell me what's bothering you," he says.

Charlie looks away. "It's not that easy, Josh . . ."

"Yes, it is. All you have to do is say it. I'm listening."

"But, you think you can just sit here and hear what I have to say and then things will be perfect. They won't, Josh. It's not that simple. You may not like what I have to say."

"Charlie, I can't imagine anything worse than the thoughts that have gone through my mind in the last few months as I tried to imagine what your secrets could possibly be. It can't be that bad," he says.

She looks at him sorrowfully and says, "No, you're right. It's worse."

"Just tell me," he says softly.

She nods. It's time to tell the truth. She takes a deep breath and begins. As she relates the story of most of her life to Josh, he sits in silence and listens. She tells him about how her mother had abused her, neglected her, let her boyfriends do what they wanted to her. She cries as she tells him how she ran away to Chicago, hoping to find something better, but only ending up in a worse situation. The drug use, the prostitution, even the rape at the hands of her so-called boyfriend Tommy . . . nothing is held back this time.

Josh listens, still holding her hands but not saying a word. His expression remains somewhat even, not really revealing his reaction to the confessions she is making. This scares Charlie, makes her think he is angry or disgusted. She finishes her tale saying, "And that's it, that's everything. So, say something. Yell, scream, call me names, but please don't just sit there. I can't handle that. Josh, if you hate me, I need to know now."

He doesn't speak for another moment and she takes that as an affirmation of her suspicions. It hurts, she won't deny that. His rejection is something she has feared for most of their relationship. But, it's also something she has been prepared for. Deep down, Charlie has always believed that no one would love her once they found out who she really was. She had always been so sure of that. The only time she had ever been wrong was with Doug and Carol. They, along with John Carter, were the only ones who knew all of her secrets and never seemed to think twice about them. They loved her despite everything.

She had always felt like that would not be the case with Josh. The truth was, she had come here today as much to admit to him her secrets as to say goodbye. Charlie loved Josh; there was no doubt about that in her mind. But, she also couldn't continue to live a life that didn't belong to her. She had to tell the truth and, if that meant losing him, that was just the price she had to pay.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly. She wipes at her eyes but to no avail. The tears have yet to stop. Still, she can't stand to watch him just sit there for another second. She gets up and starts walking away. Her heart is breaking but she knows it will only get harder the longer she waits to leave.

Suddenly, though, something unexpected happens. She feels Josh's arms wrap around her. He spins her around and the look she sees there on in his face is indescribable. It's love; pure, simple, unexplainable and undeniable love. The tears on his cheeks match her own and he reaches up to cup her face in his strong hands. Without a word, he brings his face to hers in the most passionate kiss she has ever experienced in her life thus far.

When the kiss ends, Charlie is more confused than ever. "Josh, what . . ." she begins, but he stops her.

"Shh, don't. I'm sorry it took me so long. You just . . . you stunned me a little." He guides her down so that they are both sitting on the ground now. He reaches over and pulls her to him so that his back is to one of the tall trees and her back is to him. His arms envelop her and he holds her close, talking into her hair right at her ear. "I love you, that hasn't changed," he assures her. "But, I do see you differently now," he admits.

She cringes. She knew it.

"It's not a bad thing, Charlie," he continues as if he can read her thoughts. In a way he can. "I see you as a stronger person, probably the strongest person I know. I . . . I can't even imagine living through half of what you have survived. You are truly amazing," he says softly. His eyes are closed now as he places a kiss onto her long, blonde hair.

Charlie is still crying, but no longer from the fear of rejection and disapproval from Josh. Now, her tears are of relief. Her secrets are no longer hidden and yet Josh is still by her side. She had never imagined this day would come. She turns to look at him and touches his face to make sure he is really there. "I don't deserve you," she whispers.

"No," he says, "you deserve better."

"There's no such thing," she replies.

He smiles and she smiles back. She scoots closer, leaning up to kiss him. He returns the kiss and within a few moments they are lying back on the floor of the woods in each other's arms. The emotional air has gone from tense, to hurt, to loving, to erotic within the span of a few minutes.

Josh pulls away breathlessly and Charlie looks at him questioningly. "What is it?" she asks.

"Nothing . . . things are just getting . . . well, I think we might get carried away if we don't watch it," he says with a half grin. She can tell by the look in his eyes that he doesn't want to stop, though. And, the truth is, neither does she.

"Would that be so bad?" she asks.

"Well . . . I don't know. What do you think?" he asks.

She props up on one elbow and looks at him as she speaks. "Well, I'm glad we haven't yet. I wasn't ready. I mean, its not like I'm a virgin but . . . I just didn't want to while you still didn't know who I really was. I promised myself I would not fall back into the same pattern as before. After Tommy . . . well, it's not like something I missed. And I wanted the next time to be with someone I loved. Frankly, until today, I couldn't truthfully tell myself that I loved you."

"Why is that?" he asks, listening closely to her words. He is truly interested in what she has to say.

"You didn't know me. I felt like I was misleading you," she says.

"No, you weren't. You are still the same person inside," he says.

"Maybe, but my past makes up a big part of who I am. I don't think I could believe that you loved me until you knew everything about me."

"And now?" he asks, watching for her reaction.

She smiles, "I believe it. I might be making a mistake but my heart tells me that I'm not. This feels right," she says.

"This as in us in love or this as in us *together*?" he asks.

"All of it. I love you, Josh. I've never had sex with someone I loved. I don't need to have sex with you today. I love you anyway and if we wait forever I will still love you. But I want to. For the first time in my life, I want to do this . . . if you do," she says and it is her turn to watch him for a reaction.

"I'm a 17-year-old guy who's never gotten past third base. Is that question really necessary?" he asks with a grin. "Seriously though, are you sure about this? I love you, but I want this to be right for you. I don't want you to do this because you think I expect it or because you don't want me to be mad about all that you've told me today. I will still love you, that isn't an issue."

"I know," she smiles. "And that's the main reason this feels so right. I've never wanted to have sex before. I did it because I had to, or I felt like I should or . . ." she stops and turns away.

"Or because you were forced," he finishes in a soft, pained voice.

"Yeah," she whispers.

"Look at me," he says. She doesn't respond. "Charlie . . ." he says softly and turns her face to look at him. He wipes away the few tears that have crept back onto her cheeks and kisses her softly. "He will never, *never* hurt you again. I would kill him. No one deserves to have that happen to them, but you especially didn't. You trusted him and he hurt you. He doesn't deserve to be alive."

"I just want to forget all that," she whispers, looking down as more tears fall from her eyes.

"But, you know you can't forget. It just has to heal." He wraps his arms around her and holds her close. Her head rests on his chest and she slowly stops crying. "This is hard for me to say, but I don't think we're ready for this step today. I love you and I want you more than I can ever tell you but right now I think we need to wait."

She nods; she just wants to be close to him. The fact that he wants her close but doesn't equivocate that to sex makes her love him even more. "Just hold me," she says softly. "I just need you to hold me."

"I'm never letting go."

Mark walks determinedly towards Susan's apartment building. He had called Mercy and the receptionist had told him she left just before he called. He just knew she had to be home. He had decided he was going to swallow his pride and his fear of rejection and ask her out. What were the chances she'd say no?

'Well, actually, pretty good,' Mark thinks. He had not been a very good friend to her lately. He'd been a downright jerk, actually. She didn't deserve it and he planned to start making up for that tonight. Maybe he and Susan had a chance after all.

His mood lifts and he actually finds himself happy as he walks down the sidewalk. 'She'll say yes,' he thinks. 'And things will work out.'

He reaches her apartment building and starts up the stairs. He needs a way to get rid of some of this giddy energy before he gets to her door. When he reaches the floor of her apartment, he opens the door to the stairwell and starts out. Something stops him, though. There, at the end of the hallway, is Susan. She's standing at her front door and looking beautiful. But, that's not what stops him. What stops him is the handsome, well dressed man who is standing beside her, kissing her softly and taking her arm to lead her to the elevators.

Mark feels his heart sink. He ducks back into the stairwell before he is seen and sits there for a moment as he tries to decide what to do. Finally, he looks down at the tickets in his hand and heaves as heavy sigh. He walks downstairs, being sure to arrive after Susan and her date have already left. As he exits the building, he tosses the tickets into a trashcan by the door and proceeds back the way he came, alone.

July 22, 1998

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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

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