ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #43

One Hundred Tears Away

By: Courtney

Go ahead and cry now

Just give in to the madness

The only way to feel your joy

Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now

Just give in to the ocean

The only way to tame your fear

Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home

There's a place in your heart, you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek

All of the joy for which you pray

Is closer than you think

It's just 100 tears away

~ 100 Tears Away, Paul Gordon and Vonda Shepard

"Carol, come on, we're going to be late!" Doug calls from the bottom of the stairs. It's Friday morning and they are due at the doctor's office for Carol's sonogram in less than an hour.

Doug sighs and walks back into the kitchen mumbling something about how he should have set Carol's alarm clock ahead an hour so that they might actually be on time. "And she thinks *I'm* always late! Yeah right . . ." Doug mutters.

"She's still not ready, huh?" Charlie asks from her seat at the kitchen table.

"Of course not," Doug smirks. He walks over to the toaster and removes a bagel. "You want half?" he asks as he sits down beside her and holds out half of his bagel.

Charlie shakes her head and gets up. "No, thanks. I need to go get dressed. Josh is picking me up in an hour." She puts her coffee cup in the sink and starts out of the kitchen.

"Hey, try to hurry Carol along for me, would you?" he asks.

"Sure thing," Charlie calls back as she starts upstairs.

Doug sits back and munches on his bagel as he continues to wait. A few minutes pass. He rings his napkin nervously. The longer he waits for Carol, the more anxious he becomes. He doesn't want her to know how nervous he is about this appointment because it will only worry her, but Doug can't deny that he is very much on edge.

He's still mulling over possible scenarios for today's doctor visit when Charlie comes back into the kitchen. "Doug?" she says. The worried tone in her voice makes him look up.

Seeing her face, he knows something isn't right. "What is it?" he asks. "Is she okay?"

"I'm not sure," Charlie replies. "She looks pretty upset. I think you had better go talk to her." She doesn't have to say it twice; Doug is already out of his seat and headed for the stairs.

He hurries upstairs and stops in front of the door to the master bedroom. Pushing it open, he says, "Carol? Honey, are you okay?"

Doug walks fully into the room and immediately knows the answer to his question. Carol is sitting in the chair by the window, staring outside. She has one hand on the chair arm and the other rests on her just barely swelling belly.

Doug goes quickly to her side and kneels down beside the chair. He gently takes her hand from the chair arm and rubs it between his own hands. "Sweetheart?" he says quietly. "What's wrong?"

Carol doesn't answer. She doesn't look at Doug, either. Her gaze just stays on the cloudless, summer sky beyond the windowpanes. A tear escapes her eye and glides slowly down her cheek. Doug reaches up to catch the tear on his fingertip. His face is full of worry as he watches her.

"Sweetie, please talk to me . . ." he whispers. Gently, Doug brushes the hair from her face. He frowns. She looks so fragile, so vulnerable, so frightened. "You're scaring me, Carol," he tells her softly.

"I'm sorry," she says in a voice so quiet it is hardly a whisper. "It's just . . ." More tears spring forth and her words are lost.

Doug stands up a little and wraps her in his arms. She buries her head on his chest and cries. Finally, after a moment, she sits back a bit and starts trying to catch her breath. "What happened?" Doug asks.

"I'm . . . I'm so scared, Doug," she replies. "I mean, today we could find out . . . God, anything! They could tell us anything today. There's no way to know what they'll say."

Doug sighs. He knows Carol is as anxious about today as he is. They are both aware that the doctors could find a potential problem with their unborn child. The thing is, for the last few weeks, Carol has seemed to be looking forward to today. She's been excited, practically counting the minutes until they finally got to see their baby.

"I'm sorry, Doug. I know this is just crazy and I'm just . . . Jesus, I don't know! Maybe I'm losing my mind . . ." she says sorrowfully as more tears threaten her.

Doug pulls her back into his arms and kisses her hair. "No, you aren't. It's just all catching up to you. We should have been talking about all this, what we were scared of, all along."

Carol nods a little. "What if something's wrong?" she asks. "I . . . I couldn't handle that, Doug. If this baby . . . if we . . . God, I couldn't handle that," her voice is so small and frail that Doug barely recognizes it.

"She'll be fine, Carol. I don't care what it takes, we are getting this child here safe and sound," he says.

Carol sits back and looks at him. Tears are rolling down her face once again. "Doug, I want to believe that . . . so much . . . but . . ." Her breath catches in her throat. She whispers, "I can't go on if I lose her . . . I can't do that again . . ."

Carol is crying more than ever now and Doug holds her close to him. He rubs her back gently and tries to calm her down. He wants to believe what he has told her, too. He wants everything to be just fine. But, in his heart, he knows that may not happen. They have known from the start that there were risks involved in this whole pregnancy thing. Now, though, all Doug knows is that if anything happens to this baby that he will lose everything. He doesn't doubt what Carol says. He can't imagine a stronger woman in the world, but . . . well, one person can only endure so much. One more loss really could push her over the edge . . .

Doug pulls Carol even closer to him and hangs on as if for dear life. He silently prays that things will work out. He doesn't know what he'll do if they don't.

"Good morning," Josh says as Charlie gets into the car beside him. He leans over and kisses her cheek quickly. "Doug and Carol already gone?" he asks.

"Yeah, they had a doctor's appointment," Charlie replies as she looks back up at the house. It's not hard for Josh to pick up on the fact that she's distracted this morning.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing . . ." Charlie says.

"It's definitely something. What happened?" he asks.

"I'm just . . . I dunno, I guess I'm worried is all. Carol was really upset this morning; and Doug's trying to hide it but I know he's going crazy about all this, too. I suppose I'm just as worried as they are." She sighs. "I'm sorry, Josh. I know you wanted us to have a fun day and I'm ruining it already."

He shakes his head emphatically as he slips his arm around her slumped shoulders. "You are *not* ruining *anything*," he insists. "This day will be great because we'll be together. And, you don't think I understand that you're worried about your family? I know how hard this is for you, Char. It's okay."

Charlie turns her head towards him and smiles. "Thank you," she says as she kisses him sweetly. "I can always count on you."

He smiles back. "Always."

"Susan, how's it going this morning?" Ben Hendrix asks as he approaches the admit desk.

Susan looks up and smiles. "Good Ben, how's everything with you?"

"Not bad, not bad . . ." He stands there for a moment with his mouth opened as if he has something else to say.

She looks up expectantly and smiles again. "Something you wanted to ask?" she inquires.

"Um . . . well, yes . . . I mean, no . . . I mean, it's not important. We'll talk later. I'm late for a meeting," he says quickly and turns to head for the elevators.

Susan watches him go with a curious look on her face. He's acting very strange. She turns to see the head nurse approaching. "Doris, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Doris says with a smile.

"Does Dr. Hendrix have a meeting this morning that you know of?"

"Dr. Hendrix . . . no, I don't think so. In fact, he told me specifically that he had a very slow morning today," she replies.

Susan nods, now convinced there is more to what Ben is thinking than what he is telling her.

"You know, there is something odd about him this morning, though," Doris adds. "He's acting very . . . on edge. I'm not sure what it is, but something is going on."

'Yep,' Susan thinks, 'and I'm going to find out what it is.'

"Dr. Greene, just the soul I've been searching for," John Carter says as Mark Greene makes his way into the hospital from the ambulance bay.

"Looking for me? Well, at least someone cares," Mark smirks. "What can I do for you this morning Carter?"

"Well, I have these tickets to a dinner theater across town and I was wondering if you'd be interested." He holds out two tickets and Mark takes a look at them.

"These are very expensive tickets, Carter. I can't afford to buy these off of you," he says as he hands them back.

Instead of taking the tickets back, though, Carter holds up his hand in protest. "I'm not selling them, Dr. Greene. I was going to give them to you," he explains.

"Give them to me? But why? You're not a Shakespeare fan?"

"Well, don't get me wrong. I don't necessarily dislike 'A Midsummer Night's Dream', it's just . . . well, Anna doesn't feel too good and I don't think she wants to go. I got the tickets for her, mostly. I think I'd rather just stay with her than go alone or with a friend, you know?"

"Sure, I understand. You'd rather spend the night with a beautiful woman than with a bunch of guys in tights . . . what's not to get?" Mark grins and Carter laughs.

"Exactly," Carter responds.

"The thing is, I'm not sure I can make it to this tonight," Mark says.

"Oh, are you working tomorrow? I thought you were off all weekend. That's why I gave you the tickets. Everyone else was working either tonight or in the morning so I figured you'd be the best person to give them to since you were off. Maybe I read the schedule wrong."

"No, I'm off until Sunday. It's just . . . well, I'm embarrassed to say it but . . . I don't know if I can get a date for this so soon."

"Aw, come on Dr. Greene. It's a free evening with dinner in a fancy restaurant and Shakespeare. What woman is going to say no to that?"

Mark can think of one. He'd like to ask Susan to this, but after the way he's been acting around her lately she'd probably laugh in his face. 'Or spit in it,' he thinks.

"I'll tell you what Dr. Greene. You hang onto the tickets and if you don't think you'll be going by the time I leave at 5 o'clock, you can give them back to me and I'll give them to someone on the subway or something."

"Well, okay, sure Carter. Hey, thanks, it's a nice offer. I'll see what I can come up with before five."

"Okay, great. Well, I better go. I want to call and check on Anna before we get swamped," Carter says.

"Okay, tell her I hope she's feeling better," Mark says and Carter nods and disappears into the lounge, leaving Mark to look at the tickets in his hand and contemplate his next move.

Doug and Carol walk into Dr. Stillwell's office about twenty minutes after their scheduled appointment time. He sits Carol down in a chair. She still looks upset, but not nearly as bad as she did this morning. He whispers something to her and kisses her cheek, then walks towards the receptionist's desk.

"Hi Mandy," he smiles softly at the blonde behind the counter. "I'm really sorry we're late, it's just that Carol . . . well, we had a rough morning. Are we too late for the appointment?" he asks.

She returns his smile and shakes her head. "Nope, the doctor has a slow morning. He said to send you back once you arrived."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," Doug replies and he turns to walk back over to Carol.

He takes Carol's arm and gently guides her up from the chair. "Come on, honey, let's go," he says quietly as they start together towards the door leading to the offices.

"Doug, don't leave. Stay with me," she says as they are almost at the door.

"I will, don't worry," he says. He leans down and presses his lips to her temple for a moment, then they enter the familiar exam room.

"Good morning," Dr. Stillwell smiles. He is an older man, maybe 55 or so, with gray hair and a full beard and mustache. Carol always says he reminds her of Trapper John from that 80's television show. He does look like that actor. One thing is for sure; he has the same warm, welcoming smile.

"Sorry we're late," Doug says as they enter and he helps Carol to the exam table.

"Oh, that's alright. It's slow today. Everyone must be at the beach." He turns to Carol and smiles. "How are you feeling today?"

"Not so good," she says in a shaky voice.

"She's pretty nervous about this sonogram . . . we both are," Doug explains.

Dr. Stillwell nods. "Completely normal and understood. But don't worry. Things have looked very good so far and I have every reason to believe that the same will hold true today." He gives another of his warm smiles and Carol makes a feeble attempt to return it. "So, are we ready to start?" he asks.

Carol looks at Doug questioningly. His left hand is tucked beneath her right hand and he gently strokes the top of it with his right hand. He reaches up and touches her cheek; running his thumb along her cheekbone and giving her a reassuring smile. "We're ready," he whispers to her.

Carol nods. "We're ready," she tells the doctor. He nods back.

As the doctor quickly sets up for the exam, Doug continues to hold Carol's hand and moves close enough so that he can put his arm around her shoulders. By the time the equipment is set up, the nurse has come in and they are ready to start.

Doug feels Carol's hand clinch slightly as the clear liquid is squirted onto her stomach. He tries to calm her down as the doctor begins the sonogram.

At first, they can't hear much. But then, as the doctor gets the machine adjusted correctly, the room is filled with the familiar swooshing they both recognize as their baby's heartbeat. Carol smiles a little and her eyes well up with tears just at this miraculous sound. Doug is excited, too. He remembers the first time he heard that sound during one of Carol's doctor visits. It was when she was pregnant with Sarah. That sound had been incredible, almost unbelievable. It had truly driven home the point that he was going to be a father when he actually heard his child's heart beating.

Now, though, the sound brings both joy and sadness. He's happy that their baby's heartbeat sounds strong and steady. Nothing could be better than that. However, the sound also brings on memories that aren't so pleasant. It makes him realize that the strong, steady heartbeat that he heard from Sarah was no guarantee he'd ever bring her home, and neither is this sound he is hearing now. There are no guarantees.

Doug looks at Carol and swallows back the huge lump that is forming in his throat. He has to be strong for her. She needs him right now, maybe more than ever before.

"So, how do things look?" Doug asks apprehensively.

"Things look good, very good," the doctor smiles. Carol smiles, too. She needed some good news. "Well, I suppose that . . ." Dr. Stillwell stops in mid-sentence as he examines the monitor and takes a closer look at what he's seeing. He doesn't look happy.

"What is it?" Carol asks, her voice very anxious and full of fear at what she might be told.

"Well . . . maybe nothing," he replies. "See this?" he points to a spot on the screen. Doug and Carol both look and nod. "It's a small spot where the placenta is unattached. Now, it's not really something to be overly concerned about. It's not common, but it's not unheard of either. Many women experience this and still have normal, healthy pregnancies . . ."

"But, many women don't have the risk factors Carol does. What does this mean, doctor?" Doug asks.

"Well, truthfully, I don't think you're going to like it. I think, under the circumstances, it would be best if I go ahead and recommend you stop working for the duration of the pregnancy."

Carol's brow wrinkles. "That's five more months . . . what will I do for all that time?"

"Rest, relax, get prepared for many sleepless nights . . ." Dr. Stillwell smiles. "I think five months from now you'll appreciate this time off. Don't worry, it'll fly right by."

Carol looks at Doug and then nods. "Okay, I'm sure if you think this is best . . . But, you're certain the baby isn't in any immediate danger? Things will be okay?" The trepidation in her voice is unmistakable.

"I'm as sure as I possibly can be at this point," he replies. "For now, things look good. Just try to stay off your feet and get plenty of rest."

"Okay," Carol says.

"Now, let's just take one more look around," he says as he goes back to the sonogram. "Do you want to know the baby's sex? If we can tell, that is."

"I don't know . . . do we?" Doug asks Carol.

"I do if you do," she says.

Doug smiles and nods, "Sure, okay."

"Well . . . it looks like . . ." the doctor is moving the instrument around, trying to get a better view. "From what I can tell, you have yourselves a beautiful baby . . . boy," he finally announces.

Carol keeps her smile but her heart sinks. The doctor looks at her and he cannot see from her grin that she is slightly disappointed by this news. Doug can, though. He's not fooled; her eyes betray her real feelings.

"A boy, that's terrific," Doug says softly to Carol. He kisses her cheek and hugs his arm a little tighter around her.

"Yeah," she breathes.

"Well, I guess that's about all for today," Dr. Stillwell finally announces. "Carol, just call if anything seems unusual and if not I will see you in another two weeks."

"Thank you, doctor," Doug says and smiles at Dr. Stillwell as he and Carol turn to leave.

Once they are in the hallway outside the offices, Carol turns to Doug. "Do you think he was honest with us? Do you think this is really just a little thing? I mean, would he put me out of work and basically on bed rest for something if it were just a minor thing?"

"Carol, honey, don't get upset," Doug says. He turns to her and cups her face in his hands. "We knew all along that this pregnancy was high risk. We knew that the doctors were bound to put you off work eventually. He's just taking every precaution. It'll be just fine, I promise."

Carol looks at him for a moment and a wave of doubt washes over her. She lets it pass, though, and nods at him. "Okay, you're right," she says.

"Good, now let's get you home," he says. He puts his arm around her and they walk together towards the elevators.

"Anything else for you today Miss?" the waitress asks politely.

"No, thank you," Susan replies with a smile. The woman nods and turns back to her other customers and Susan's concentration turns back to the smudged view the diner window offers of the city. It's funny how, when she was in Phoenix, she could be somewhere with Chloe and Joe and Susie and they could be in one of the most beautiful parts of Phoenix, yet she never felt at home. But, then she can look out the dirty window of some diner in a run down area of Chicago and she feels safe. She feels like she's home. She's not sure why Chicago beacons her. It's certainly not her family. She sees her parents very rarely. Actually, she saw more of them when she was in Phoenix than she has since her return to Chicago. No, there is something else here, something that makes this city her home.

Her friends, maybe. Or the only job she ever really loved. She still misses working at County. Mercy is great and everyone has been very nice but . . . well, it's just not home. She'd take her old job back in a minute if it were offered.

Of course, she can't help but be glad in some small way that there was no room for her at County. That would have been a mistake. Mark didn't need her constantly around to remind him of her past rejection, not to mention her part in his breakup with Nina. She still felt guilty about that.

'This is all for the best,' she assures herself as she looks into the half-empty coffee cup in her hand. Staring sadly at the dark liquid, she thinks about how much she misses Mark. He had been the best friend she'd ever had and, when she came back to Chicago, in the back of her mind he had always been a big reason for her return. She'd somehow expected to find him patiently waiting for her return. 'How stupid to expect him to put his life on hold while I figured out who I was and where I belonged,' she laments silently.

There's no going back now, though. The past is past and she'll have to live with the fact that she may have discarded what might have been a great thing. She'll always regret not stay in that train station . . .

"Susan?" she hears a voice say beside her and her thoughts are broken. She looks up, half expecting to see Mark standing there. But, it's not Mark. It's another familiar face that she hadn't quite expected to see.

"Ben? Hi, have a seat," she says with a small smile as she motions towards the other side of the booth.

"Are you sure? You looked kind of lost in thought. I'm not interrupting? Because I can sit over there . . ." he starts motioning towards the other side of the diner but Susan dismisses this suggestion with a wave of her hand.

"Don't be silly. Sit, eat, talk. I could use the company. The last thing I need to do is sit her and feel sorry for myself."

"Is something wrong?" he asks as he slides into the booth across from her.

"Wrong . . . no. I'm just . . . having one of those days, you know? I'll be fine," she assures him.

"Oh, okay," he replies. She can tell he wants to say something. He's acting the same way he was this morning.

"Ben, what's going on?" she asks.

"What? What do you mean?" he asks as he looks up nervously.

"You're acting strange. Is there something you wanted to say?"

"I . . . no, I . . ." he stammers.

"Ben . . ." she says. A small smile plays at her lips and her eyes encourage him to say what is on his mind.

"I, uh . . . well, actually, I was wondering . . . Susan, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" he finally blurts out.

She's not surprised by this question. She had the feeling he was going to ask her out and she also has a feeling that this might be just what she needs right now. She starts to respond when he continues.

"We can just go out as friends if you want. I know how some people aren't into office romance. I guess I can understand that. No, I know I can. We can just go as friends. Or we can not go at all. Maybe that would be better. I shouldn't have put you on the spot like this. It was rude. I'm really sorry, Susan. I always do things like . . ."

"Ben . . . Ben!" she tries to get his attention but he seems to be lost in his own endless line of excuses and apologies. "Ben, shut up and tell me where you are taking me," she finally says.

"Where I'm . . . where I'm what?" he asks.

"Where are we going to dinner?" she asks again, smiling. He smile puts him at ease and he smiles back.

"You really want to go?" he asks.

"I don't accept dates with people I don't want to go out with. This is a date, right? Or are you too concerned about office romances to go out as more than friends?" she asks in a teasing voice. He can tell she is kidding him about his earlier comments.

"No, it's a date," he smiles back. "I'm . . . I'm really happy you said yes, Susan. I've been wanting to ask you out since the first time we met but you seemed . . . attached. I was afraid there might be someone else, to tell you the truth."

"No," Susan smiles sadly; "There's no one else." To herself, she thinks, 'Not anymore.'

Ben smiles and reaches across the table to take her hand. He looks at her and his eyes are warm and welcoming. She can see herself getting lost in those eyes. She returns his smile and thinks to herself that this date might be one of the best things she's done in a long time.

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