Golf

	Hugh and Caroline are at a table, having tea with their son Terry, ten 
	years old.


Caroline	Something wrong, dear?

Terry		Nah.

Caroline	You're not eating your tea.

Terry		Not hungry.

Hugh		Watch it.

Terry		What?

Hugh		Not hungry. Jesus.

Terry		Can't I have an apple?

Hugh		No you can't.

Terry		But ...

Hugh		But? But? No buts in this house, my lad. In this house, we
		leave our buts outside, where they belong. Alright?

Caroline	Eat some of your Pepsi-flavoured chocolate crisps, dear, and
		then we'll see about some apples ...

	The door bell goes. Caroline gets up and goes out.

Hugh		Not hungry.

Terry		Well I'm not ...

Hugh		I'll decide whether you're hungry or not, thank you very much
		for cleaning my car.

	The door opens and Caroline comes in with Patrick.

Caroline	Mr Furkiss, father.

Patrick		Hello.

Hugh		I see, I see. Can he state his business, this Mr Furkiss, or is
		he going to stand there all night like an over-filled bin-
		liner?

Caroline	Father ...

Hugh		I speak as I find, Mr Furkiss. You'll realise that, as you get
		to know me. Now then. What's on your mind you wide-arsed git?

Caroline	At least let the man sit down, father.

Hugh		Mr Furkiss can do his talking standing up, mother. We had to,
		at his age.

Patrick		Well now, I'm glad that Terry's here for this ...

Hugh		Well where else would he be, eh? Tea-time on a Wednesday. Ram-
		raiding old ladies in the High Street, is that what you think?

Patrick		Not at all ...

Hugh		I should think not at all ...

Caroline	Mr Furkiss is from the school, father. He teaches Terry's form.

	A pause and then Hugh jumps to his feet.

Hugh		Mr Furkiss, for goodness' sake sit down. Will you take some tea
		with us? Mother, freshen this tea-pot up with fresh tea, will
		you? Mr Furkiss teaches at Terry's school ...

Patrick		No tea, thank you.

Hugh		Pepsi-flavoured chocolate crisp?

Patrick		Well perhaps a little one ...

Hugh		Mother, fetch up the littlest crisp you can find, and some of
		our smallest cutlery to go with it.

	Caroline busies herself.

		Now then, Mr Furkiss, will you take a pipe of rough shag with
		me over here by the radiator?

Patrick		Thank you, no. I really came to discuss Terry's progress at
		school.

Hugh		He's not been making progress, has he? The little bugger. That
		lad'll feel the rough end of my watch strap before the day is
		over, Mr Furkiss, you have my word on it.

Patrick		Well no, actually, he's not been making any progress. That's
		why I'm here.

Hugh		Hello? Mother, this sounds like bad news ...

Caroline	Just tell us, Mr Furkiss. Terry's no angel, we realise that. If
		he's done wrong, we'd like to know about it.

Patrick		The truth is, Terry has been falling further and further behind
		with his golf.

Hugh		Golf?

Caroline	Golf?

Patrick		As you know, he's got exams coming up at the end of this year,
		and I fear that Terry is going to fail his golf unless he bucks
		his ideas up pretty smartly.

Hugh		I don't believe it ...

Patrick		I'm afraid it's true.

Caroline	But golf was always his strongest subject. He came top in golf
		last year ...

Patrick		Exactly. That's why I wanted to come here, have a little chat,
		see if I couldn't find out what's been happening.

Hugh		I don't understand it. We thought ...

	Patrick produces some cards.

Patrick		These are the scores from his last three rounds, Mr Furkiss. As
		you can see, he shot an eighty-four last Wednesday, and a
		ninety this morning.

	Hugh examines the cards.

Hugh		Bloody Nora. An eight on the fourteenth? Eight? That's
		pathetic.

Patrick		It is disappointing, I agree.

Caroline	The fourteenth is the one ...

Patrick		It's the dog-leg par four. Couple of sand traps, but well out
		of harm's way.

Hugh		Two hundred and twelve yards from the medal tee. It's a piece
		of cake.

Patrick		The rest of the form managed a six or better, and so you can
		imagine why I was concerned ...

Hugh		Terry, you little bugger ...

Caroline	Don't shout at him, father ...

Hugh		I shout as I find, as you well know, mother.

Patrick		Terry? What's happening? Is there something bothering you?

Terry		No.

Patrick		Are you sure? Nothing you'd like to tell me about?

Terry		No.

Hugh		Answer Mr Furkiss, Terry. He's come a long way on a dark
		afternoon for your benefit ...

Terry		There's nothing wrong.

Caroline	Well then why, Terry? Why an eight on the fourteenth.

Hugh		He did it to spite us, can't you see? All the sacrifices we
		made, and he's throwing it back in our faces. He's an evil
		little bastard, that's what he is.

Terry		I'm not. I just ...

Patrick		You just what, Terry?

Terry		Nothing.

Patrick		You're slicing the ball much more than you used to. Why is
		that? Left hand too far over?

Hugh		Cocks his wrists too early. I've always said it ...

Caroline	Hush, father ...

Hugh		Well he does, no getting round it ...

Terry		I just ...

Patrick		Yes?

Terry		I just don't see the point, that's all.

Hugh		Don't see the point? Don't see the point of what?

Terry		Of golf.

Hugh		Don't see the ... that's nice, isn't it? Your mother and I have
		sweated and sweated and sweated for you. We've sweated so much
		it's disgusting. Tell him, mother. Tell him how much you've
		sweated. Show him the stains on your blouse.

Caroline	(pointing) There.

Hugh		You'd better start pulling your ideas up, my boy. What are you
		going to do with your life if you fail golf, hm? What kind of
		prospects do you think there are out there for people who cock
		their wrists too early?

Terry		I came top in French, didn't I?

Hugh		French? French? I'll French you, young man.

Caroline	No you won't, Father.

Hugh		French, indeed.

Patrick		The national curriculum is about the real world, Terry.

Hugh		(examining reports) Bottom in golf. Bottom in Sonic Two. Bottom
		in Lemmings. Bottom in Disney studies. But when it comes to
		something cushy and of no practical use whatever ...
		mathematics, French, English ...

Caroline	Oh Terry ...

Hugh		So. A new regime for you, young man. It's the driving range and
		practice greens with every hour of daylight God sends. And in
		the evenings you will practice your Sonic Two and your Lemmings
		and you will study your Disney videos.

Terry		But ...

Hugh		Uh ... what did I tell you about buts? We do not bring our buts
		into the tea-lounge.

Terry		Mum promised I could go to the library this evening.

Hugh		Well, you should have thought of that before you started
		slicing the ball off the tee and shanking your approaches,
		shouldn't you? Now. Go inside and watch Bedknobs and 
		Broomsticks.

	Hugh looks as Terry slouches off.

Caroline	Don't you worry, Mr Furkiss, we'll keep an eye on him.

Patrick		Oh good. He's a nice lad, Terry, be nice to see him get on in
		life.

Hugh		Now then. What about that rough shag?