Head Gardener

	Stephen is at home in his bathroom, bent over a sink, washing his hair.
	He hums and washes. He spots the camera.


Stephen		Hello. If you're anything like me then you probably wash your
		hair quite often and probably use a shampoo. You're pretty
		tall, you're called Stephen and you haven't got much time for
		gardening. Well, I may have just the answer for you, Stephen.
		It came to me yesterday, when I was standing here bent over the
		wash hair basin. Here's a thing we do a couple of times a week
		(though if it's more than that I urge you to consider the
		benefits of a specially formulated frequency shampoo) and
		which utilises the very same key nutrients and minerals that
		any gardener will tell you are essential for healthy plants and
		gums. So, Stephen, I've come up with this new five-minute
		addition to my hair grooming and facial scrub programme. If
		you're anything like me you'll probably like to rinse after
		your second wash and you'll have a friend called Hugh who plays
		with an Etch-a-Sketch in your airing cupboard.

	Stephen opens the airing cupboard where Hugh is sitting and Etch-a- 
	Sketching.

		Hugh, come on out and help me explain my new break-through in
		hair.

Hugh		Right-o.

Stephen		I was explaining to the viewing several that after the second
		wash I like to have a thorough rinse.

Hugh		No harm in that, if it's done sensibly.

Stephen		Exactly my point. And it's at this stage when my new
		development comes in. Here, in my freshly-watered, protein-
		enriched hair are the ideal conditions - neutral balance Ph,
		active liposomes and gentle cleansing agents - for a small, but
		attractive town-garden. Hugh.

	Hugh takes a packet of seeds and starts to plop them in Stephen's hair.

		What have you chosen, Hugh?

Hugh		A mix of begonias, dog-roses and clematis.

Stephen		No vegetables?

Hugh		I thought perhaps I could sow one or two potatoes just behind
		the crown here.

Stephen		So a general utility garden.

Hugh		Pretty much.

Stephen		Well. Now I have to blow-dry with my Pifco tress-matic on its
		lowest setting and let nature do its work.

	Time has passed. Stephen now has a towel over his head.

		Well, let's see how it's fared.

	Hugh removes towel to show spectacular garden. Flowers, patch of lawn,
	rockery ... the works.

Hugh		I think that's come out rather well.

Stephen		Simple, cheap, effective. Well done Hugh, my head gardener.

Hugh		That's amusing.

Stephen		(to camera) Of course your own hair garden needn't be confined
		to this limited range of plants. The sky's very much the limit.
		Climbing wistarias, alpines, runner beans, you name it. And if
		you have dandruff problems you might consider a traditional
		Japanese snow garden.

Hugh		If you're anything like me, you'll be keen to experiment and
		you will enjoy wearing lycra one-pieces alone in your bedroom.

	Stephen goes and stands oddly, looking at a wall.

		What are you doing Stephen?

Stephen		I'm south-facing.

Hugh		(picking up Etch-a-Sketch) Ah, well it's back to the airing
		cupboard for me.

Stephen		See you next wash day.

Both		Ber-bye.

Stephen		I think the Queen does a ruddy marvellous job. Ruddy
		marvellous. I opened Parliament myself a couple of times in the
		seventies, and believe you me, it's not as easy as it looks.