Oprah Winfrey

	Stephen addresses the camera in his normal clobber.


Stephen		Hello, I'm Oprah Winfrey. Today we're looking at self-esteem,
		what is it, do we have enough, where can we get more if we need
		it? With me is Louella Della Twee, author of I Think I'm Great:
		Why Don't You?

	Cut wider to include Hugh, lolling in a chair in extravagant garb.

		Louella, first of all, have you got self-esteem?

Hugh		No. I don't have it. Don't ask me why.

Stephen		Oh. Alright.

Hugh		God knows I should have it.

Stephen		Really?

Hugh		I'm an intelligent, beautiful, warm, loving, funny, sexy, rich,
		almighty heap of a woman. The only thing I don't have is self-
		esteem.

Stephen		That's a bugger, isn't it? Now your book contains several uses
		of the word "me".

Hugh		I would agree with that.

Stephen		If ...?

Hugh		If what?

Stephen		You would agree with that if ...?

Hugh		If I had enough self-esteem.

Stephen		I see. No, what I was going to say was the first chapter
		contains nothing but the word "me". You have written the word
		"me" 3,416 times.

Hugh		Seventeen.

Stephen		Is it?

Hugh		The chapter is called "me".

Stephen		So it is. Now, can I ask you this question. Why?

Hugh		Why me?

Stephen		Precisely.

Hugh		I don't love myself any more. I used to love myself when I was
		a kid, but then I stopped. I stopped talking to myself, seeing
		myself for what I really am. I took myself for granted.

Stephen		Let's have a pointless round of applause there.

	Applause.

		So what did you do?

Hugh		I confronted myself. I waited till I got home one day, and I
		said to myself, what are you doing?

Stephen		How unbearably tense. And how did you answer yourself?

Hugh		I shifted around, started blaming all kinds of things, then
		eventually I had to admit to myself that yes, I was sleeping
		with someone else.

Stephen		Had you suspected this?

Hugh		I knew. I knew all along. I just didn't want to face it. It was
		the deceit. But then I realised that the only person I was
		really deceiving was myself.

Stephen		I don't think I've ever been more emotionally knotted-up than I
		am at this moment. Yes, madam?

	Phyllida stands up in the audience.

Phyllida	I just wanted to ask Louella where she gets her strength from?

Stephen		Louella, lady wants to know where the mascara arse you get your
		strength from?

Hugh		Can I answer that with a question?

Stephen		Can she?

Phyllida	I'd like that.

Stephen		She'd like that.

Hugh		I want you to do something for me. I want you to stand in front
		of a mirror, take your clothes off, every shred ...

	Laughter from the audience.

		Hey, no. I'm serious, why not? You're you. I want you to stand
		naked in front of that mirror and I want you to say "I like me
		just the way I am. I like my fat hips, and my lisp and my
		whining aggression. I love the fact that I'm neurotic. I'm
		happy that I demand the world's respect without having to earn
		it. I'm me, I'm special, I'm kinda crazy about me just the way
		I am." Would you do that for me?

	Wild applause from the audience.
	   Another woman gets up.

Woman		Can I ask Louella something with a question? I have high self-
		esteem. It's ruining my life. I'm the only person I know with
		high self-esteem. It's terrible. I feel like I'm missing out.

Hugh		Honey, you've just got to learn to lower your self-esteem. Try
		and make up some story about being maybe abused as a child.
		Pretend your husband doesn't appreciate how artistic and
		special and interesting you are. It'll come.

	Applause.

Stephen		We've got a vomit break right now. Don't go away.