Religianto

	Hugh is supervising the gathering of thirty or so six-year-olds.


Stephen		(voice-over) Tony Racklin is headmaster of Lannark Primary
		School in Thurlow. The school has eighty-four pupils, of mixed
		race, religion, gender and shoe size. So how does he deal with
		religious instruction at the school's morning assembly?

	Hugh sits at the piano and plays. The children vaguely join in.

Hugh		We worship you oh God or Gods,
		Whoever you may be,
		We realise that you operate
		Supernaturally,
		We thank you for the birds and bees,
		For creatures live or dead,
		But if you actually don't exist,
		Please ignore what we've just said,
		Aaaaaaaaaa

	Cut to Hugh in interview.

		What I've tried to do, what we've tried to do, I should say, is
		develop a religious agenda that serves the needs of the kids in
		a real sense. You must understand that we have here Muslim
		kids, Hindu kids, Christian kids, Jewish kids, atheistic kids,
		agnostic kids. What they've all got in common is that they're
		all ...

Stephen		Kids?

Hugh		Exactly. That's very important. And therefore, the religious
		package we offer must take account of all those different
		elements under the over-arching umbrella of basic caring.

	Stephen, listening to this, turns out of shot and vomits quite noisily.

Stephen		Sorry ... don't know what happened there ... so how have you
		done that? How have you accommodated these different ...

Hugh		What I've done, what WE'VE done, I should say, is sweep away
		all the old divisions and invent a new religion.

Stephen		A new religion?

Hugh		That's right. It's a kind of religious Esperanto, if you like.

Stephen		Nope. Don't think I do ...

Hugh		We've called this religion Lip Wip Wip Wip.

Stephen		Lip Wip Wip Wip. Now is that the name of the God ...?

Hugh		There is no one, single God in Lip Wip Wip Wip.

Stephen		It's a pantheon, is it?

Hugh		I call it a committee of Gods. There are eight voting members
		and a non-executive chair who rotates every four years.

Stephen		So what form does the worship take? What do you actually
		worship?

Hugh		We worship air ...

Stephen		Air, right ...

Hugh		And flexible work-share schemes ...

Stephen		Aha ...

Hugh		And anything that has a rounded corner on it.

Stephen		Why rounded corners?

Hugh		Well, they're a very important symbol in Lip Wip Wip Wip. The
		kids here worship the one on the edge of the activity table in
		our art room ...

	Close-up of worktop. Pull out to see kids chanting at it.

Stephen		And what do rounded corners symbolise in Lip Wip Wip?

Hugh		Er ... the roundedness of things generally. The fact that
		you're much less likely to hurt yourself on round things or get
		things snagged on them. We prefer them to have a stain-
		resistant wipe-free surface, ideally. Every Farkling we place
		large potato prints ...

Stephen		Sorry, every Farkling?

Hugh		Yes. Farkling is our equivalent of, oh, Christmas, Ramadan,
		Passover ... what you will. It's our major festival. We have it
		at the beginning of January so that parents can take advantage
		of the January sales when buying presents. It's traditional on
		Farkling Eve to place potato-printed pictures on a rounded-
		cornered surface overnight.

	We see kids doing so - looking frankly pissed off.

		Then, when the kids come down they find they've been marked out
		of ten by Parent Farkling.

Stephen		Parent Farkling?

Hugh		Yes ... a sort of Father Christmas figure, but eitherly
		gendered.

Stephen		And instead of leaving filled stockings or something similar,
		they mark a potato-print picture out of ten?

Hugh		Yes - but of course, traditionally, every kid always gets ten.

Stephen		Bloody hell. You say "traditionally", how long in fact has Lip
		Wip Wip Wip been a religion?

Hugh		Well, the religion arose out of some very exciting discussions
		we had during a level two resource allocation module steering
		committee meeting that the trust held last week ...

Stephen		It's alright, I'm controlling myself. So, would you say the
		religion has been a success so far?

Hugh		Well, I'll be as frank as I can. There have been problems, I'm
		afraid.

Stephen		Oh?

Hugh		Mm. Just yesterday one of the kids in Mrs Tremloe's 2acvaw.xp5
		class, Tristram, formed a sect that decided to worship oblong
		surfaces.

Stephen		Oh dear.

	Cut to Hugh, sitting on the desk in the class-room with a small child 
	stretched out on a torturer's rack. Hugh gives a turn of the wheel.

Hugh		Now, come on Tris. I'm very disappointed. What are you?

	Tris wails. Hugh turns the wheel again.

Tristram	I'm a heretic.

Hugh		That's better. So, kids. What do you reckon we should do about
		that? Any thoughts?

Kids		Burn him! Burn the heretic! Torch him!

Hugh		OK. That's agreed then. We'll burn you at the stake in the
		playground during break, Tris. Now. Anna. What's this about you
		being a witch?

	Cut back to Hugh and Stephen.

Hugh		Early days yet, but we're hoping to iron out some of these
		teething snags pretty soon and get a permanent dungeon in the
		old chapel.