Consent

	Robert and Jeanine are facing each other across a boardroom table. Hugh 
	is at Jeanine's side, Stephen at Robert's. Stephen and Hugh are opening 
	briefcases and setting up their stall.


Hugh		Right, Richard, are you going to start?

Stephen		Probably better if I start, Nick, yes. Thrash out the position
		in broad terms, so we all know where we stand.

Hugh		That's got to be the right course, Richard. Got to be.

Stephen		I think so, Nick, I really do.

Hugh		Go you on ahead.

Stephen		Position is that my client wishes, in very broad terms ...

Hugh		Broad terms?

Stephen		At this stage broad terms, yes, we can talk specifics later, my
		client wishes to engage in a protracted bout of sexual
		intercourse with your client.

Hugh		Can I chip in here, Richard?

Stephen		Chip in, chip in ...

Hugh		Might save us a lot of time if I just say that my client is
		willing to consider your client's position in a favourable
		light, as long as we can thrash out some of the nitty-gritty.

Stephen		Oh, that's good news.

Hugh		So, shall we pencil a meeting, Richard, or ...

Stephen		We could pencil a meeting, certainly, Nick, but I should say
		that my client is anxious to expedite matters and bring them to
		a speedy conclusion if at all possible.

Hugh		How speedy, Richard?

	Stephen turns and mutters to Robert.

Stephen		My client was thinking along the lines of the next half-hour,
		Nick. I don't know how that sounds ...

Hugh		Ah.

	Hugh confers with Jeanine.

		My client, Richard, would like it clearly understood that she's
		not easy.

Stephen		My client clearly understands that your client is not easy,
		Nick, in fact he wishes me to stress that he has an enormous
		respect for your client in a variety of personal, non-sexual
		ways.

Hugh		My client is reassured by your client's position, and would
		like to know how your client intends to proceed.

	Stephen and Robert mutter.

Stephen		My client was thinking in general terms of dinner at the Bombay
		Brasserie, after which, at some mutually agreeable time, he
		would place his tongue inside your client's mouth and move it
		around slightly.

	Hugh and Jeanine confer.

Hugh		That is broadly acceptable to my client.

Stephen		My client then suggests putting one of his hands up your
		client's skirt and having a bit of a feel.

Hugh		Which hand, Richard?

Stephen		My client hasn't yet decided which hand ...

Hugh		Well perhaps you could fax us with that ...

Stephen		Certainly, that's no bother ...

	He makes a note.

		"Fax Nick ... Which ... hand ... up ... skirt ..."

	Hugh and Jeanine have been conferring.

Hugh		I should say that after your client has put his hand up my
		client's skirt, my client reserves the right to moan slightly.

Stephen		I don't see a problem there ...?

	Robert shakes his head.

Stephen		No, that's fine.

Hugh		At this point, my client will suggest that your client drives
		my client back to your client's flat, where your client will
		play some James Taylor.

	Stephen and Robert mutter.

Stephen		My client doesn't have any James Taylor at the moment, and
		wonders whether Art Garfunkel would be acceptable?

	Jeanine scribbles a note and pushes it across to Hugh.

Hugh		Ah. My client insists that Art Garfunkel is definitely not
		acceptable, but would be prepared to consider Tom Waits.

	Robert nods.

Stephen		Excellent. Moving on, my client would now like to insert ...

	Robert whispers something.

		Would now like to insert a clause allowing him to spill wine on
		your client's blouse and to mop it gently with a handkerchief,
		lightly brushing your client's breasts as he does so.

Hugh		We feel, in the interests of both parties, that a white wine
		spritzer should be specified.

	Robert nods.

Stephen		A white wine spritzer it is. Now my client is keen to know
		whether your client can accomodate ... (Robert whispers)

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		My client is keen to know whether your client can accomodate
		a circular licking motion around the upper body area at this
		stage.

Hugh		Perfectly acceptable. My client will be permitted to gaze at
		the ceiling and say the words "Oh God" and "Yes."

	Stephen writes down and mouths "Oh God" and "Yes" as Robert nods 
	briskly.

Stephen		A move to the bedroom is now indicated.

Hugh		Indeed, I should point out, however, that my client is keen
		that this engagement should run along orthodox lines from
		hereonin.

Stephen		Would that preclude the use of salad items?

	Firm nod from Jeanine.

Hugh		I'm afraid so.

	Robert slightly disappointed.

Stephen		My client believes in that case that things can be
		satisfactorily brought to a conclusion in three minutes, after
		which time ...

Hugh		My client feels that this would be premature. Ten minutes is
		more acceptable.

	Robert looks aghast and swallows slightly.

Stephen		Shall we compromise with six?

Hugh		Six minutes then. I assume your client will then roll over and
		turn his back on my client?

Stephen		My client will most certainly do so. Your client will attempt
		to hold him and he will behave coldly.

Hugh		Quite so. My client will feel spurned and shamed as your client
		refuses to share the afterglow.

Stephen		My client then plans to sneak into his clothes at five in the
		morning and go very early to work, leaving no note for your
		client.

Hugh		My client will feel immensely rejected and angry at this.

Stephen		Quite so. My client will pick up the phone once during the
		afternoon, but fail to go through with calling, after which
		time he will not be in touch again.

Hugh		My client will from hereonin refer to your client as "that
		bastard".

Stephen		My client will blush and look away if ever he sees your client
		at a party.

Hugh		Precisely so. I think that's all satisfactory.

	Robert and Jeanine both nod. Robert looks guilty, Jeanine looks cross.

Stephen		If your client will sign here ...

	Passes over contract.

Hugh		And yours here ...

	They each sign.

		Excellent.

Stephen		First-rate.

	Robert and Jeanine stand. From across the table Jeanine slaps Robert in 
	the face.

Jeanine		Bastard.

	She storms out. Robert shuffles out through the other door.

Hugh		Marvellous.

Stephen		Splendid.

	Pause.

Hugh		Fancy a quick shag?

Stephen		Oh alright.