~*~*~*~*~ An Unsent Letter ~*~*~*~*~

Dearest ------,
Why is it that I'm wide awake tonight, almost midnight before a morning I have to work at six am? Why is it that all I can think about is you? Memories of our year together fill my mind; they are vivid and refreshed as though they'd all happened a week ago. It's been 6 months, now that I think about it -- seems like much longer -- since we saw each other on a regular basis, and only here and there has been a conversation in that time. Yet, I can still recall the days where we would go on hikes behind your house, walking alone or walking your dogs, and your hair would shine and your eyes would look at me in that way I'll never forget, that told me your heart was mine. I remember everything, every little detail of our time together. I remember the smell of your hair and running my hands through it. I remember when we made a perfect couple. I remember our first kisses, and the overwhelming feeling that came with them. I remember the hard times you and I went through, and prevailed from, as well as the ones we didn't fair so well from.
What a long 6 months its been. It seems like forever since we were together, I don't know why. I remember how it killed me to not be with you, and to see myself breaking your heart, and I remember seeing red rage at the moment I knew our friendship was over. A feeling that pure, potent, and uncontrollable has only taken over my body a couple of times in my life, and it was the same feeling that ran through me when I stood with you in my driveway that day and screamed, "I love you, -----!" with tears running down my face. Funny how clearly I remember every moment I was with you.
And in the time that's passed since we were together, your face has never left my mind. What is it that reminds me of you almost every day of that six months? --What is it that's making me write a letter to you on a late work night, when it'll probably never be read by you, and you might not even care if you ever did read it anyway? Why did I just lay awake for an hour or more, sifting through all the perfect pictures I have of you in my head? Why do I feel sad, like crying, but can't?
So it seems that once again I don't really understand what I'm going through, and the mere thought of you is keeping me up late at night, just as it did nearly two years ago. My God, I'd hate to think of what you might think of me were you to read this now. I can just see it, in big, bold headlines. "Asshole boyfriend comes crawling back." Is that what I'm doing right now, writing this letter? Am I wishing you were mine to hold again? --Strangely, I'm not really sure what I'm doing or feeling -- this letter's full of question marks with no answers.
As I was laying awake, I was thinking of finding your car, one I'd never forget, and leaving you a note, like I once did long ago. Something like, "PSSSST! Bet you'll never guess who this is!" but you'd recognize the crappy handwriting and open up the letter. "Hi. I really need to talk to you. Call me, please, sometime soon," or, "meet me @ Pneumatix tonight at midnight." But I wonder, if I had you in front of me to speak to right now, what the hell would I say? How could I ever justify to you a need to tell you something without making a fool of myself? I'm sure after how things ended, you have very little trust in me.
Would I tell you the truth -- that I've missed you everyday since I left you? That I can't help to compare all the women I date to you, and base every experience upon what I had with you? And even if I could swallow my pride enough, what might I be looking to accomplish in doing so? --And what are the chances of a meeting with you doing any good, anyway? Even if I just wanted to convey to you that I am really missing you and remembering all the good times we had together, would you ever believe me? Somehow, ------, I don't think you ever really would.
I tell you, there's nothing more humbling than leaving you to go be single and date lots of people, and end up, six months later, laying awake in bed thinking that what I did was wrong. Looking back, I know now that I was very, very afraid to be in love with you, headed toward a future of commitment. It must have been fear of something I'm still not sure I understand that led me away from you. I know now that everything I ever told you was nothing less than honest, and that I handled you and our relationship in the best way I could at that time. And also, now that I'm looking back on our relationship, I'm realizing a lot of things I couldn't have seen then.
The more I think about it, the more I know that you were the only person I was ever really in love with. Since I've been with you, I've dated a lot of girls and gotten to know a lot of different people. I've called only one of those women my girlfriend, and at the time, I really thought I was in love with her. She heard a lot about you during that time — I couldn't shut myself up from talking about you and our times together. Now that I think about it, I catch myself remembering our good old times more than often. Anyhow, the only real relationship I've had since our's, was really wrong from the start. The month it took for me to see that, was a month too long. It wasn't me that went through that relationship — it was some alternate extension of me that tricked me into believing that I had found something real in my life since I broke up with you. I was wrong. Wrong! It may sound strange, but I've dated girl after girl, trying to prove that there IS someone else for me, and, half a year later, I'm as empty-handed as I ever was. Empty house, empty time, empty wall where I just recently took down our prom picture to pack everything up for when I move back home. This whole time, I've kept that picture up, and I've remembered you all to often, and never really stopped to ask why. --Is it possible I ran away from you to search for someone like you and end up missing you like hell without ever knowing it? Is it possible that I denied you out of fear and selfishness, and I put our relationship through that death it went through, only to end up awake at one am wondering what the hell I was thinking?
So what does this all mean? Does this mean I really was being an asshole like you said? Perhaps I was. --And perhaps I'd be no better now were I to ever ask you to trust me again, after all I put you through.
So maybe none of this will ever reach your awareness, and out of respect to you I'll never dare entertain the idea of meeting with you. I fear that would only hurt you and insult you more, and make a bigger ass out of me. Perhaps I deserve to lay awake and miss you, since I threw away my chance to be near you.
If you only knew that I never stopped loving you, and that I love you now as strongly as I ever did... If you only knew that you were the only woman I've ever really been in love with, and that I sit here tonight saddened that I ever threw away what we had together. If you only knew how hard it was to break us up, and how afraid I was to be so in love with you, and how sorry I am that I let myself get scared and hurt you. If you ever believed all of that, then -- I guess I'll never know.
Love Always...

So you can see, more than anything, I just regret my mistakes and wish for some form of reconciliation. The past will forever remain as it is, although I am grateful for the way it happened, having learned many priceless lessons from the experience. But sometimes I still wonder what my life would be like today had I not gotten scared. And I still call every now and then; we just small-talk and catch up on how things are going in our lives, but it's nothing like the friendship it should be.

So it's mid-April, 1999, and I'm still left without a sense of closure. A person I haven't been intimate with for about a year still reigns my thoughts because I feel like I've left something out; with a clear head I can see that I know she's not the one for me, but I care for her anyway, and so it's different than just, "Bye. Have a nice life." It requires a little honor, a little rememberance, a little something to say that it was special, and I am thankful for that.

And what better time to honor a special date than on the date itself? Don't we celebrate our birth on the date that it happened? Don't couples have dinner on the night of their anniversary?

I wrote a new letter. Not dripping with loneliness and a hazy intention like the unsent one, but meant to be little clearer. Meant to do honor and convey a thought, and give a good closure, once and for all. I dropped the following letter at her house on April 19th:

Dearest -----,
I've been meaning to get in touch with you lately. I don't want to intrude on your life, but there are a few things I can't NOT say any longer. I realize how long it's been since we broke up, and how unprecedented this letter is. However, this letter's intention is not to pester you or get in the way of your life. I hold no expectation of response over you, and after I get this out I have no reason to bother you again. All I ask is that you let me express these last few things.
You need to know that today will forever be a special day to me. Since this day two years ago, you have been more special to me than you know, and it is my fault you never really learned just what you mean to me, and it is now such a long time later that I tell you.
I remember every detail about you that I loved, and it's less by choice and more because of the very real imprint you've made upon my life that I will always care for you. You are my first real romantic love, and you are the only woman I've ever been in love with. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and you need to know that. I wish I had realized all of this myself long before six months ago.
You need to know that, although it's practically ancient history, I give you my deepest apology for the way things ended. I was so scared to be so in love with you, and I am the sorriest of all that I acted out of fear and hurt you. I should have listened to you so much more than I did.
You need to know that I can't help the fact that I often catch myself sifting through pictures in my head of when we were together, some of the best memories of my life. You really did make an enormous impact on my life. Although I know I haven't made a very good representation of it in the past, I have always loved you, and you will always be in my heart. You're not "just an Ex" to me. I don't know if I will ever again have as great a love for another as the love I had for you. You need to know that, because I feel a great need to honor the year we spent with each other. You are sacred to me, and I can never forget you.
I needed to tell you these things because I can't stand time passing without you at least knowing how the story ends from my point of view. Things were left in a very hazy, hurtful state, and never really reconciled. It drives me up the wall to see you go by every now and then, and know that you don't really know how I regard our past relationship; it's kept me awake many nights, the need to set things at least somewhat right, and pay the respect I feel our year together is due. It may have long since been too late for that, but I want to leave things on the right note between us. I have too many wonderful memories of our relationship to let it stand as anything less than the best time of my entire life. So, thanks for reading this letter and letting me finally rest that at least I've told you how I feel.
And thank you, -----, for being the wonderful person that you are, and sharing that year with me. Other than how I ended our relationship, I don't regret a thing about our time together. I look at the past and see nothing but how happy we were and how in love we were without even knowing it. Personally, I cherish that year, and I will hold you deep inside my heart, always.
All My Heart,
Steve

I know that I miss the memory of her more than the real person that she is now. I know that my letter might have given her good cause to construe my want for a second shot from it, but that is only because I have a different definition of love than she does. I can love someone, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I feel the need to be romantically involved with them. I love because I appreciate and I honor, not because I covet.

I hadn't really expected a response from her. I didn't care much what her reaction would have been that night when she read it. It was enough that I had made my place at the end a positive one. In that respect, it was sort of a selfish gesture on my part, really; I sent this letter because I wanted to feel better about myself more than anything. I wanted an acknowledgement of my mind and my opinion to be heard.

I was surprised when this came in the mail a few days later:

I appreciate your letter, and your honesty. Thank you. You're right, our lives have gone on, and I'm flattered by the way you feel. But the fact remains, I may have been your first love but I assure you that I am not the last. Think of it this way, what we had was wonderful, at times... Well, imagine that & times it my ten and that will be your ultimate love. You will come across it when you least expect it or want it, and I hope, for your sake, that you hold on to it with all your might. Good luck!
Love ----- -------

This card marked a milestone in my life that is difficult to relate the importance of. It marked a finality and forgiveness and acknowledgement on both our parts, and was more than I had hoped for. It is my belief that we avoided a lot of negative karma (for lack of a better word) by settling it in a positive way. A great load of bricks had been lifted between us that day, and after all we've been through, it's a beautiful thing that we were able to end it this way.

I am happy to say that she and I have let the bygones be and just hang out a few times like old friends. We've both grown up a lot to get to that point; the experience I've had with her has been a priceless jewel of lessons and memories that I'll take with me forever. I can finally take a sigh of relief knowing that we have acted positively together
and turned a tragedy into a somewhat decent ending.

...The Second Floor...

...Even More Pictures...

TenSenses@JustFuckingAround.Com

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