My first wife didn't like to fly, either.

-- Gordon Baxter

That's not flying, that's just falling with style.

-- Woody, from the 1996 movie 'Toy Story,' regarding Buzz Lightyear.

Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground, and miss.

-- Douglas Adams, 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.'

Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.

-- LCDR Thomas Quinn, USN.

Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

-- Captain Rex Kramer, in the movie 'Airplane.'

We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

-- Cockpit crew in the movie 'Airplane.'

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

-- Benny Hill

When the weight of the paper equals the weight of the airplane, only then you can go flying.

-- attributed to Donald Douglas (Mr. DC-n).

The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.

-- Jonathon Swift

Which is now a more hopeful statement that Swift intended it to be.

-- Will Durant

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.

-- Tom Stoppard

My definition of an optimist has to be the Luftwaffe F-104 pilot who gave up smoking!

-- John Wiley

In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches color of sky, FLY!'"

-- Gordon Baxter

Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God.

-- Gordon Baxter

Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

-- Seen on a General Dynamics bulletin board

It doesn't do any good to stand on the airplane's brakes when you're already on your back!

-- Rex Thorp

Nothing said I had to crash.

-- R.A. Bob Hoover, after hitting a telephone wire and losing two feet of wing in his P-51.

Captain Oveur: "Ya ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: "No sir, I've never been up in a plane before!
Captain Oveur: "Ya ever seen a grown man naked?

-- from the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

-- Captain Oveur, from the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

Doctor Rumack: "When are we going to be able to land?
Ted Striker: "I can't tell.
Doctor Rumack: "You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Ted Striker: "I don't know.
Doctor Rumack: "Well, can't you take a guess?
Ted Striker: "Not for another two hours.
Doctor Rumack: "You can't take a guess for another two hours?

-- from the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

Ted: "We're gonna have to come in pretty low on this approach.
Elaine: "Is that difficult?
Ted: "Well sure it's difficult. It's part of every textbook approach. It's just something you have to do ... when you land.

-- from the 1982 movie 'Airplane II, The Sequel.'

In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

-- Kurt Wien

Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?

-- Jim Tavenner

I know, but this guy doing the flying has no airline experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air. ... Yes, birds too.

-- Air Traffic Controller in the 1980 movie 'Airplane.'

They're beeping and they're flashing. They're flashing and they're beeping! I cant stand it anymore, they're blinking and they're flashing.

-- Buck Murdock, in the 1982 movie 'Airplane II, The Sequel.'

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

-- Mark Russell

[When asked why he was referred to as 'Ace']: Because during World War Two I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft, fortunately three were enemy.

-- Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

-- Jack Handey, 'Deep Thoughts from Saturday Night Live.'

You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

-- Marty Caidin

The light at the end of the tunnel is another airplanes landing light coming down head-on to the runway you are taking off from.

-- Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca.'

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?

-- Jim Tavenner

What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?

-- Gary Larson, in a well-known 'Farside' cartoon.

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

-- Anon.

Buttons . . . check. Dials . . . check. Switches . . . check. Little colored lights . . . check.

-- The Bill Waterson comic character Calvin, of 'Cavin and Hobbes.' fame.

Leader, bandits at 2 o’clock!
Roger; it’s only 1:30 now—what’ll I do ‘til then?

-- The Bill Waterson comic character Calvin, of 'Cavin and Hobbes.' fame.

It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.

-- Dick Markgraf

I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?

-- Don Taylor

When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope." They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets canceled, too.

-- Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.

Son, never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him.

-- The Great Santini, in 'Get ready for a fighter pilot.'

Flying an aeroplane with only a single propeller to keep you in the air. Can you imagine that?

-- Captain Picard, from 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode 'Booby Trap.'

MaCleod, since you've flown the SeaBee a lot you'll understand when I say it was the only airplane I ever owned that you could put in a dive, loose a cylinder and stall out!

-- Ernest K. Gann

I don't like flying because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine is going to help.

-- Kaffie, in the1992 movie 'A Few Good Men.'

It was 1977 and we were on an old DC8 Air Ceylon coming in to Colombo, Ceylon from Bangkok. The landing approach was pretty bumpy, but the biggest bump was saved for when we hit the tarmac - a massive shudder and shake - at least I hoped it was the runway.. We were soon however airborne again and climbing steeply when a voice with a heavy Indian accent came over the PA as follows:
I am sorry about the landing ladies and gentlemen,the pilot will now take over.

-- Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.

This time up in the Himalayas where we had been stranded for days. Each day we would head down to the airfield only to be told the plane could not take off. Finally on a day the weather was slightly better the chief of police informed us as follows:
The allocated pilot for today is the best pilot in Nepal, don't worry, he will take the risk.

-- Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

-- G. K. Chesteron, 'Orthodoxy,' 1908.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes

-- Anon.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

-- Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.'

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

-- Mel Brooks

If God had really intended men to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport.

-- George Winters

In the space age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours -- one hour for flying and one hour to get to the airport.

-- Neil McElroy, 'Look' (1958).

In America there are two classes of travel -- first class, and with children.

-- Robert Benchley

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV.

-- A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass" A-320.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker.

-- custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam.

Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.

-- Arthur Miller

United hired gentlemen with the expectation of training them to become pilots, Northwest hired pilots hoping to train them to become gentlemen. To date, despite their best efforts, neither carrier can be considered successful.

-- Ed Thompson

Tower: Have a good trip.
Pilot: Make that a round trip . . .

-- Lloyd Lace, USAAF, 1944. Said before departing on C-46 missions, flying over 'The Hump' (China - Burma - India).

I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep.

-- Michael Treacy